A Perspective on Online Dating

I receive letters on a regular basis asking me what I think about online dating and eHarmony in particular. I've been reluctant to tackle this topic here because it's the kind of issue that requires many bridges to be built--and still will likely be misunderstood by a few. But this coming week, FamilyLife Today will broadcast a series on this topic and so it seems like it would be timely to address it before these shows are aired.

Here, in no particular order, are my thoughts on the topic and some questions to consider:

1) The Internet is just a tool. People use it for good and for evil. Inherently it has no moral value. Thus Christians have to consider their motives for using this tool. I've been asked if those who are using online dating services are not trusting God. My answer is, "I don't know. I can't possibly know the motives of millions of people."

2) There's a lot to be said about motives, but before we get there, let's just consider the cold hard facts. Online dating is one of the most profitable activities on the Internet, according to numerous industry articles published online. Successful businesses are built on repeat clientele. So you have to be savvy about what the numbers really mean. According to a July 25 Knight-Ridder article, eHarmony claims approximately 12,000 couples have gotten married through its service. That's since its inception five years ago, presumably, but if you compared those 12,000 couples/24,000 individuals against the 6 million user benchmark that eHarmony announced in December, that's less than a 1 percent return on investment. So if you are considering a service such as this, you have to remember that first and foremost it's a business. A very profitable business.

3) Speaking of that low return on investment, let's consider another factor in the equation: how we steward our finances. The Bible has a lot to say about money and how we are to handle what we receive from God. (I don't have time to develop this thought now, so I refer you to an excellent book on the topic--Randy Alcorn's Money, Possessions, & Eternity, which I've added at right.) So I would ask those considering such a service if they have prayed about it and if they believe before God that this would be a good use of their money. I'm not saying that the answer is automatically no. I'm not God. I'm simply recommending that we talk to our heavenly Father before we presume to make such an investment. We will have to give an account one day about what we did with what He gave us.

4) Money is not the only thing to be invested in online dating--much time is required, as well, which is another gift from God. Given your other responsibilities, is this the best use of your time in light of eternity? Have you prayed about it?

5) Have you considered how you'll be accountable for your interactions with others online? Just as there is safety in being observed and accountable in your "carbon-based" relationships, there is the same, if not greater, need in cyberspace. Would you be willing to share your user IDs and passwords with others so that your correspondence could be observed?

6) Now, back to those heart motives. Here are some questions to consider. Are you feeling panicked or anxious that you have to "do something" about your singleness? (Bridge alert! Please note the emphasis here on anxiety. I'm not saying that it's bad to be proactive about getting married.) Are you believing the best about God's plan and timing for your life, or are you thinking this is your last available option? Are you sinning in your thoughts against the men around you, judging them for not initiating relationships with you? Have others submitted observations to you about your previous relationships that you have ignored or left unresolved? Are you anxious about your impending birthday? Are you trying to get a date for a future event or holiday celebration because you dread being alone in those situations? Have you considered the strong possibility (given the data I presented above) that you might end up paying to be rejected? That sounds harsh, but obviously that's a common experience in such a clinical and self-serving environment as online dating. Have you thought about the effect that this might have on your soul? Have you counted that emotional and spiritual cost?

7) Have you sought counsel from others about this idea? By others, I don't mean just your other single friends. What is your pastor's advice to you? What would your small-group leaders say? What is your parents' perspective? What about your accountability partners? Would they be willing to "shepherd" you through this process?

8) Have you thought about the narcissism factor? Let's be completely honest here. You won't be receiving all the normal visual and sociological clues about someone you meet online. So any giddiness you might experience while corresponding online has nothing to do with the other person. It has everything to do with the rush of thinking someone else finds you attractive. But you won't know that for sure until you meet. How are you planning to guard your heart in such a scenario?

9) We all know that there can be quite a gap between what a person will tell you about himself and what he actually does. Ladies, when you go online, you initially forfeit a very useful research tool, which is the ability to observe a man's interactions with others. You also typically forfeit the recommendations of others. You only have his own recommendations to weigh. How are you planning to compensate for this?

10) About that Big Meet, you are aware that the collective testimony of online daters is that no one ever looks like their photo ... right?

No doubt you've discerned that I'm not taking a position for or against online dating. I realize that yes, some people have married someone they met online. I also know many more people who have not met anyone suitable online. This, like many aspects of modern life, has no clear chapter-and-verse directive in the Bible. It is a wisdom issue. So I am praying that these ten points will help many singles wisely discern their motives, seek counsel, and consider this activity against what Christians are clearly commanded by Scripture to do and seek.

Comments

[jan]

What a great post! You very objectively laid out the key issues to consider about online dating. I tried it, but have discontinued primarily based on financial and time investment compared to any meaningful results. Now I spend my time blogging...so I'm not sure I've improved my "meaningful results" ratio! :-)

[barb]

AMEN!

[Kari]

Thank you Carolyn!!! I think that eHarmony provides a way to MEET people--not KNOW them. It is so easy to get sucked into the trap and convinced by Christians to do whatever I can to "put myself out there". I am surprised so many times by Christians' perspective on dating. Your point about finances is a good one. I think for me--being part of eHarmony has been kind of a distraction when it comes to my relationship with the Lord. I DO believe in the sovereignty of God UNTIL it comes to this area--singleness. Sometimes it seems impossible for God to act, but I am being reminded that I must trust Him to orchestrate HIS will if marriage is in my future. I know that I do not want to be with the wrong mate. I will gladly wait for the right one (sent by God). I am so grateful for God's patience with me.

[Claudia]

Dear Carolyn
thanks a lot for your wonderful, humble and God centered answer. I love your blog - thank you also for investing your time to share a part of your life with us. God bless you richly

[Scott Jonas]

Hello to all,

I’ve been snooping around and couldn’t resist responding to this. I’m sure I’ll get a few ladies mad at me. I tried “Christian” online dating for a year, and came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t want to marry 99% of the women there. Why? Because egalitarianism and feminism have influenced their lives somuch. For example, one lady who initially expressed an interest wrote back and said “after reading your profile again, I think you are more conservative than I am. Neither my pastor or I believe that Paul’s instructions on submission have anything to do with wives.” Although I didn’t even mention “submission” in my profile, I couldn’t believe anyone would disregard the clear teaching of Scripture to that extent. All of a sudden it dawned on me just how much Christians have rebelled against God’s word regarding the roles of husbands and wives, and I spent the weekend mourning the sad state of Christian womanhood in our churches. I also now believe that the most likely reason for so many Christian divorces is the rebellion of women towards God’s teaching for them in Titus 2, 1 Peter 3 and related Scripture. I also believe a large reason for this is weak church leadership and fathers allowing their children to be raised in the public schools. In other words, men are largely responsible too.

I’d suggest readers take seriously Ms. McCulley’s 10 points on internet dating, and recognize the character of the men on Christian single websites may not be that great either. I think the reasons those sites exist, along with singles ministries, again are because of weak church leadership and misguided fathers who don’t take seriously their responsibility in the courtship/matchmaking process. Instead of providing oversight and helping singles get married, they are letting singles “figure it out for themselves” with the result that Christian singles are engaging in worldly dating habits (which are also encouraged by on-line "dating"). These, along with the impact of feminism, will likely lead to a continued high divorce rate, even amongst the E-Harmony couples.

My “humble” opinion is that the best place to find single men and women who truly live out God’s word in their lives is amongst the families in the "conservative branch" of the homeschool movement. That is why I’ve been more involved with homeschooling organizations lately although I’m single, and I’d only marry a woman who is prepared to homeschool children. For example, Greg Harris, Josh Harris’ father, has been a long time leader in the homeschool movement and homeschooled his children (with much help from his lovely wife of course). Wouldn’t you ladies like to find a man like Josh or his brothers? I recommend visiting the Vision Forum and Books on the Path websites for other great learning resources, and suggest every woman make articles on Jennie Chancey’s “LadiesAgainstFeminism.org” website a regular part of their reading. On a related note, Josh’s twin brothers Alex and Brett received praise (and pictures) in some recent posts by Doug Phillips in his blog on the VisionForum.com website. Now there are a couple of fine young men! There is a link there to the Harris twins’ blog site, where they have been giving daily commentary regarding the Vision Forum San Antonio Independent Christian Film Festival. They posted some comments by their father too. Events like the Film Festival are a great place to meet the kind of men and women I’ve been talking about, along with their families. I’d also suggest learning more about the “Family Integrated Church” model advocated by Doug Phillips, Greg Harris, and others. I haven’t heard if Josh agrees with his father or not, as the church Josh leads doesn’t appear to be age/family integrated.

Lastly, in my studies on gender roles in the church (motivated in part by my on-line dating experience), the following are my top picks for ladies’ books:

1. “Created to Be His Helpmeet” by Debi Pearl
2. “Raising Maidens of Virtue” by Stacy McDonald
3. “Becoming a Titus 2 Woman” by Martha Peace
4. “The Excellent Wife” by Martha Peace
5. “Be Fruitful and Multiply” by Nancy Campbell

I haven’t read the ones mentioned by Ms. McCulley but they sound good too. I also recommend “The Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Laura Schlessinger. Although it is secular, she does a good job of writing from a Judeo/Christian perspective. You can learn a lot about the concerns of men from the letters she publishes in her book.

Enough for now! Blessings to all and to all a good night!

Scott Jonas
E. Wenatchee, WA

[Philippa]

As a British Christian woman who has a fulfilling ministry in her church, and who has worked in both secular and Christian employment over the last 20 years, I strenuously oppose the viewpoints espoused on the Ladies Against Feminism and Vision Forum websites. There is an intelligent debate to be had on the impact of feminism, and the meaning of biblical headship and submission, but all these organisations want to do is turn the clock backwards. This is far from an adequate response, to put it mildly, to the immense challenges facing Christians in our post-modern, increasingly secularised culture. I would be very wary of such movements coming to British shores, but I doubt they would make much headway – thank goodness.

The ‘let’s blame society’s current ills entirely on women’ mentality is deeply depressing to behold, no less depressing than the ‘all men are oppressors’ mentality espoused by militant feminists.

To make it clear: I’m not a radical feminist, nor have I ever been. The man who marries me (assuming I get married, in God’s providence) will find a supportive, respectful and loving wife. But denying women the vote? Saying that women should stay at home under their father’s authority until they get married? Regarding artificial birth control as a sin? What century are these people living in??? And what, pray, separates their views from those of fundamentalist Muslims, who also oppose women’s rights? There is a happier biblical balance to be found between narrow fundamentalism and aggressive feminism.

It also doesn’t surprise me in the least, given their view of women’s roles, that LAF and Vision Forum have faulty theologies of singleness. According to these folk, unless a Christian woman is married and has children, she is not fulfilling her God-given dominion. But this is an inadequate reading of Scripture. St. Paul celebrates singleness as a positive thing. The evangelical church desperately needs a rich theology of celibate sexuality, because the most compelling model for singleness is Jesus Himself. As Lauren Winner says in her excellent book Real Sex – the Naked Truth about Chastity (Brazo Press), singleness can be an authentic theological witness of God’s love for us … just as marriage is an exalted witness to the mystical marriage between Christ and His church.

It is ironic that the LAF website features pictures of elegantly gowned ladies of leisure sitting around reading, as if to transport us back to some Jane Austen never-never land in which all was light and joy simply because women were at home. Jane Austen herself was wiser: she was no feminist, but she wrote with piercing clarity about the interior world of women and how restrictive it was – and the evils of women’s total financial dependence on men. All her novels are based on this theme. She was also a believer: it’s hard to miss the strong Christian morality in Pride and Prejudice.

The viewpoint espoused by Sovereign Grace Church, by way of contrast, comes across to me as the acceptable and gracious face of Reformed Evangelicalism. I’m not Reformed myself – more of a charismatic Anglican – but I greatly enjoy Carolyn’s blog and found her book ‘Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?’ extremely helpful and winsome, and thoroughly biblical and Christ-centred. I recommend it to my other single female friends without hesitation.

It is clear, Mr Jonas, that you don’t care for feisty Christian women, which personally I find a shame, as I believe that God is rather fond of His feistier saints, but I do wish you well in your search for a soulmate.

Cordially,

Philippa

[Susan]

Carolyn, once again your godly perspective illuminates what for me has been a somewhat murky mystery--how to urge my single friends to be wary about online dating without sounding like a spoil-sport. Your advice will remain in the back of my mind and (hopefully) will be at the ready when I need it next time.

I am 54, single, and tried E-Harmony for three months. After one promising gentleman whom I had corresponded with for two months accidentally sent me a romantic email intended for another of his online women, I grew skeptical. Two days later I was "matched" with a man I knew from a local church. I had known him several years, had spent time with him at various functions and trust me, we would NOT be compatible. So much for the value of the personality profile! Needless to say, I quit and do not intend to go this route ever again.

I attend a family-integrated church in my area even though I am single, so I know what you are talking about, Scott Jonas. I enjoyed reading your post!

[Carmen]

Mmm hmm....That's what I'm talkin' about! Although I have pondered from many angles, you've provided new ones. Excellent!! Thanks.

[Isabelle]

Carolyn, could you post your source for #2? I'm interested in reading that article.

[Single Proposition]

Thanks for this great advice. I've been doing my own research...maybe my experience will help some of you out there as well.

S.P.

[fumania]

Wow! This website seems like a great place to post difficult questions. I love reading the articles and enjoy the intelligent exchanges...

O.k.. I have a question to ponder and have been heavily weighing this question for some time now..

Should people only date those within their income brackett? All view points appreciated.

I am a 33 year old woman and have been dating some really professionally financially well-off men for some time now.. And it is wonderful to be treated to so many things I cannot afford on my own.. trips, gifts, elaborate dinners..

However, what is the expense of this, if I cannot return the dinners, elaborate gifts and trips..

I am a teacher and work very hard at my job.. however, no matter how many hours of work I put in, I will never be able to afford to give as the prior boyfriends/dates have.

And at some point, I begin to feel the power shift in the relationship, and I begin to feel "owned". At which point, I initiate a break-up.

How am I to have a relationship of equality, if I date those that are millionaires???

Is my thinking off here?..

I know i will likely get a roasting as I am sure I have offended a few readers, never the less, I appreciate your responses.