When Outreach Doesn't Come Easily

Q: I just read your post on hospitality and the outline of your talk. I can certainly see the importance and the clear Biblical call to hospitality. But what do you do when you're an introvert, and your husband is an introvert, and you DEFINITELY do not feel you have the gift of hospitality??

This is something I'm totally struggling with right now. We're in a new town and both of us have a hard time making conversation with strangers. We feel awkward and uncomfortable around groups of new people. We'd love to be the kind of people who can draw others out and make them feel totally at ease and welcome...but we aren't! We both love to talk when we're around people we know well, but reaching out to strangers? We're at a total loss.

I've made cookies for all our neighbors at Christmas, trying to do something small to reach out, but there aren't really any natural opportunities to build relationships. So although this hospitality thing is something I feel guilty for not doing, I'm just not sure what to do.

I'm not sure I even have a specific question I'm asking...just lamenting and hoping for some advice, I guess. Any thoughts??

A: I hope it encourages you to know this, but some of the best people I know at drawing others out are actually introverts. They've submitted themselves to the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit, so there is a Spirit-controlled aspect to their natural personality, if you will. Extroverts need to talk less about themselves and introverts need to make the effort to reach out to others. Both temperaments are concerned about themselves, but it is expressed in different ways. I think it's only the work of the Holy Spirit to teach us to get beyond our self-interests to consider the interests of others as being more important than ourselves.

But there are practical things we can do to submit ourselves to the "stretching" of the Holy Spirit. I think first we have to recognize that the hospitality commands in Scripture are not limited by natural temperament or besetting sin patterns. Extrovert or introvert, we are all called to be hospitable. We are also called to go into all the world to preach the gospel and make disciples. So the first step, I would think, would be to study these portions of Scripture and prayerfully ask the Holy Spirit to change our natural inclinations to match God's heart on this subject. And then pray for the people we would like to reach out to. The Lord has promised that the fields are ripe for harvest, but He wants us to pray for the laborers. Why? Well, obviously we need His help to get motivated to go out to the lost (again, irrespective of temperament).

Then there are practical steps we can take. One is to practice our skills at getting to know other people. It takes creative listening skills to hear what someone is saying and make the leap to an inspired question for follow-up. I'm learning to do this myself. An extrovert's fallback tendency during any lull in the conversation is to link back to a personal anecdote. It seems to keep the conversation lively, but it is not helpful in getting to know someone else. So I need to practice the art of asking good, insightful questions as much as anyone else. There are books out there about asking good questions, so I would recommend browsing through a few of those and squirreling away a few good questions for the lull.

Ultimately, we want to understand how we came to connect with the people around us. What led them to study for the field they are in? What led them to move to this area? What do they most look forward to on the weekends? What kind of travel do they enjoy? What books would they recommend to someone else? And so on. Pundits say that the people we consider the most fascinating are the ones who get us to talk about ourselves.

So as we take a real interest in others, the "events" will fall in line. If we're praying for others, I think the Lord will inspire us to consider inviting them to dinner, for a cup of coffee, to go to a sports game, to attend a party, to meet for brunch, whatever.

Finally, for those who get anxious thinking about reaching out to others, or for those who immediately start considering how they can impress with their entertaining skills, I would recommend Ed Welch's book When People Are Big and God Is Small, listed at right. That book addresses what the Bible calls "fear of man" or what is commonly termed as approval-addiction, co-dependency, anxiety disorder, and so on. If we are threatened by opening up to others or if we unduly strive to impress them or earn their approval, we are caught in the fear of man. If we are more concerned with what other fellow-sinners think of us, rather than what the Lord thinks of us, we won't make much headway in offering genuine hospitality.

So those are some of my suggestions off the top of my head. Does anyone else have a God-centered testimony to share about cultivating a heart of hospitality?

Comments

[Elizabeth]

Carolyn,
What an excellent and motivating response. I too have been trying to work on my ability to get to know other people, since the Holy Spirit began convicting me of my self-centeredness in certain social situations (especially when I feel a bit uncomfortable). You have offered some very practicle suggestions on how to connect with those around us. Thanks!

Elizabeth

[Rose]

I used to be an introvert, then I developed, through God's help, into an extrovert - or at least a person who reaches out to others in ministry. One thing I've learned as God has blossomed me is that when you are used in that wonderful way, be sure to keep an inner circle of folks who minister to you. For a "reformed introvert", ministering extrovertedly all the time is draining and you need down time and good friends who will minister to you.

[Ren]

Hospitality is all about making someone at ease, not putting on a show to entertain them.
I appreciate you pointing out the qualitites of an introvert. I am the extrovert and my husband is the introvert. It took me a whole semester to get to talk to him, because he was always engaged in a REAL conversation with someone. I couldn't just jump in and talk about the weather. This is a great quality I see in him, and it has given me a desire to go deeper in conversations.

[anoninva]

Ren, I agree with your distinction between entertaining vs hospitality. I think that when we hear the word hospitality we are really thinking entertaining. And so we can feel really overwhelmed by trying to ensure people are having a good time, eating what they enjoy etc. My advice is this: keep it simple. Simple meals or even have a dessert get together. It is best to start with "easy" people - those who you have alot in common with, or an older couple. Lots of times I find that older saints can put you at ease when you have them in your home. They usually have interesting testimonies too of some aspect of their Christian life. But this I have found after living in three states and having people into my home: People appreciate it no matter what! They just enjoy getting an invitation and being able to spend time with others, even if it is not particularly exciting or novel. These days alot of people don't live near family, they don't know their neighbors, and they don't get invited out, so it is a treat to be asked over. Start small and build on it. You can do it!

[PY Lo]

This is such an important article for me. I am also very introverted and only feel comfortable with people I know. It is so hard to be hospitable. Carolyn said, "some of the best people I know at drawing others out are actually introverts.They've submitted themselves to the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit, so there is a Spirit-controlled aspect to their natural personality, if you will." For me, God did it in a way that I did not expect. He paired me with a friend who is very very hospitable (yes, she certainly has the gift from God to be hospitable) to lead a home fellowship. I am learning to be more hospitable, but it is SO VERY DIFFICULT! Trusting Him to help me on this. :)