Radical Womanhood

Look Sorrow in the Face

Yesterday I mentioned the need to "preach the gospel" to yourself--and to help others do the same. My friends at the "Of First Importance" blog have created a resource to help us all do that. Each day this blog will provide one quote to help you live in the good of the gospel. For those who are suffering or grieving, here is one quote that ministered to me today in the midst of a heavy burden for a friend:

But Mary stood weeping outside the tomb, and as she wept she stooped to look into the tomb.--John 20:11

“What the Lord expects from us at such seasons is not to abandon ourselves to unreasoning sorrow, but trustingly to look sorrow in the face, to scan its features, to search for the help and hope, which, as surely as God is our Father, must be there. In such trials there can be no comfort for us so long as we stand outside weeping.

If only we will take the courage to fix our gaze deliberately upon the stern countenance of grief, and enter unafraid into the darkest recesses of our trouble, we shall find the terror gone, because the Lord has been there before us, and, coming out again, has left the place transfigured, making of it by the grace of his resurrection a house of life, the very gate of heaven.”

- Geerhardus Vos, Grace & Glory

When Talking Doesn't Help

When you are swamped by your emotions, you probably turn to a close friend to talk about it. But there's a type of conversation that is unhelpful, especially among women. Christians might call it rehearsing the sins of others, confessing unbelief, or neglecting to "preach the gospel" to yourself. Secular therapists would call it "co-rumination," according to a Washington Post article titled "Enough Talk, Already."

Social scientists are realizing that while talking may strengthen female friendships and leave pals feeling temporarily better, it can also lead to increased anxiety and depression if perspective and problem-solving aren't included rather quickly. And what about the husband who listens every night to his wife complain about her job, then one morning at breakfast offers her steps to get out of her funk? Perhaps he deserves credit rather than having a cup of coffee thrown at him.

"There's a distinction between healthy catharsis and unhealthy rumination," says Alice Rubenstein, a clinical psychologist in Rochester, N.Y. "Catharsis is a form of venting, of not leaving stuff inside." When it turns into rumination with others, she says, "it becomes contagious. You have a sinking ship, and rather than bailing water, you're making more holes in the ship."

Amanda Rose, an associate professor of psychological sciences at the University of Missouri at Columbia, discovered this when she surveyed about 800 boys and girls, ages 8 to 15, twice over six months, attempting to assess depression, anxiety and friendship quality. Rose and her colleagues found that both boys and girls reported drawing closer to their self-identified best friends. But girls also demonstrated symptoms of increased anxiety and depression as their friendships deepened. Boys showed no such symptoms. When she repeated the study on college students, she got the same results.

Advances in the science of the brain help explain this. According to Louann Brizendine, a neuropsychiatrist at the University of California at San Francisco, the female brain picks up emotional cues, both verbal and nonverbal, more quickly than the male brain. Starting at about age 12, girls put feelings into words more efficiently than boys. The key thing, though, according to Brizendine, author of the controversial book "The Female Brain," is this: Brains learn by repetition. Repeating negative thoughts can make not only the injured party but those around her more, rather than less, distressed and angry. ...

Girlfriends hoping to help another friend should ask themselves a couple of things, according to the experts. Will encouraging the friend to spill more dirt actually help her? Or is it time to flip the conversation over to what the friend may be contributing to the problem and what she is going to do?

I'm glad social scientists are discovering the Scriptural truth that there is wise speech and there is foolish speech--and that our words do impact our souls. But I would add one more question to that list: "Is it time to flip the conversation over to what the friend believes about God in her circumstances?"

I agree that women can listen well and listen empathetically to each other. I am grateful for my friends who listen to me as I sort out my emotions. But my gratitude grows when they remind me of gospel truth in the midst of my circumstances--when they remind me of who God is, when they gently point out sins I may be blind to, and when they offer help for my weaknesses. Such friends are wise women, and priceless gifts from God.

The lips of the wise spread knowledge; not so the hearts of fools.--Proverbs 15:7 (NIV)

Rapidly Learning

This past weekend, I took a group of friends to a man-made whitewater course at Deep Creek, Maryland. The new Adventure Sports Center International mountain-top course offers all the thrills of whitewater with few of the real river dangers. I've rafted the James and New Rivers, but I've never been an involuntary swimmer--until this trip. Our guide delighted in surfing rapids until he could dislodge one or more paddlers. Fortunately, on this course that's not a terribly dangerous experience. Not only can you walk out of this shallow river, there are also a number of guides standing on the shore with throwbags to tow you to safety.

However, it's still a disconcerting and nerve-wrangling experience to be launched from the raft into the rapids; even more so when you pop up under the raft. As long as the raft has also flipped over, you have a natural air pocket. If not, you have a rubber ceiling weighed down with the remaining paddlers. I also learned the hard way that your lifejacket prevents you from trying to swim out from under the overturned raft--you will always bob back to the surface. Duh.

The first time I ever went whitewater rafting, I learned an important lesson. But not about rafting. I learned something about following. My boyfriend at the time was really into cycling and whitewater boating, primarily kayaking. The cycling was fine with me--we had met on a bike trip. But I always thought of whitewater boating as his thing, not mine. So when he suggested we take a trip down the James, I refused to go. Somehow, though, he managed to get me on that raft. I had whined, complained, and resisted the entire way there, trying to cover my fear. He would have none of it.

Finally, as we started down the river, he turned to me and said something to the effect of, "Look, you could do this if you would just shut up and listen to me. I know what I'm doing here. I know your capabilities. Just listen to what I tell you, do it, and you'll be fine. You're the one making this difficult."

He was right. When I stopped resisting him, we both had fun. In fact, I loved it. Though we stopped dating years ago, he gave me two gifts: a love of whitewater rafting and an insight into leadership and followership. Followership is an awkward word, but I use it purposefully. It's quite popular to discuss leadership skills, but nobody talks about followership skills. Yet both are needed. Leaders have to have people following them or they aren't leading anything. A good follower is as necessary to the team as a good leader.

Whitewater rafting provides the perfect illustration. A rafting guide is the leader of several other paddlers in the boat. Some paddlers may be novices, others may be quite seasoned. But on the river, only one person can make decisions in fast-moving water. Everyone else has to listen to the guide and paddle in unison--or else the team goes for an unwanted swim in the rough water. Because he is charged with navigating the rapids, the guide yells, "All forward! Pull hard!" But if he's the only one paddling, the maneuver won't be successful. As the raft approaches the rapids, it's important that the followers are listening carefully and doing what the guide says promptly and thoroughly. Coordinated teamwork prevents disaster.

This is the same principle found in Scripture about marriage. God has assigned the husband the role of the guide. The husband is accountable for guiding the raft according to the instructions he has received from the Bible. Likewise, God has assigned to the wife the role of the fellow-paddler. She takes her paddling cues from her husband, and together they navigate the turbulence of life. If he doesn't lead well, the boat could go in circles. If she doesn't follow well, the boat could capsize.

It's hard to be a top-notch follower, but it's worth the effort to cultivate the skill set. In my observation (and limited experience), good followers know:

- How to assess the "river skills" of a guide before getting into the boat. Once in the boat, they've made a commitment. They can't get out mid-stream. They must stick in that boat until the trip is finished.

- That because the guide has received certain skills, knowledge, and perspectives that enable him to lead, this means the follower must combat the indwelling tendency to second-guess the guide.

- That there's an art to listening well. Therefore, followers learn to listen carefully (without sinful judgment, bitterness, or a rehearsed litany of sins and failures) and then perform the instructions carefully.

- That followers can set the tone of the whole trip with their attitudes and words.

- That the river requires humility of both the guide and the fellow-paddler.

Though neither of us were Christians at the time, my boyfriend provided a blunt but needed assessment of my character and an illustration that later in life made it much easier for me to understand God's harmonious design for marriage. I think of it every time I'm in a raft--and sometimes out of it, too.

(Top photo: The "before" shot, while we were all still dry. Middle photos: Rafters on the trip prior to ours; an ASCI photo of the first drop in the course. In these two shots, notice that the pros in the publicity photo are the only ones actually paddling in the scary moment! Bottom photo from left: Bethany, Connie, Charlotte, Reema, Christopher, Janine, Mace, Novia, and Mindy at Deep Creek Lake.)

Love Bears All Things

This year, on Valentine's Day, I ran a testimony by Larissa Whiteley, about her faith in God after her boyfriend ended up in a coma after a car accident. Six months later, Larissa is still persevering. Her boyfriend, Ian Murphy, is showing some improvement--which is an encouraging answer to the prayers of thousands--though technically he is still considered to be in a coma.

This week, Larissa posted an entry titled "Dating Ian," about what it means to persevere in love in an extended trial like this. She wrote:

I sometimes wonder what Ian and I look like from the outside. What do people think when we are out on dates? Do they know that we're dating or do they just think that I'm a sister or a friend? For people that do know us, does it seem strange to them that I'm pushing my boyfriend in a wheelchair and talking to him even though he can't talk back to me? People often tell me that any other girl would leave in a situation like this. From the outside, it probably looks as though this relationship is all one-sided right now. Our relationship doesn't look or seem normal because we can't do things that "normal" couples do. I would've thought the same thing before the accident and still do in times of doubt.

Several people who commented on this post said they've seen Larissa out with Ian and how it has encouraged their faith. One woman, Lee Ann Cramer, said: "Larissa, When I see you pushing Ian around in his wheelchair and talking to him, I do not think that it is strange. I think that it is an amazing example of Christ's sacrifical love for us. It is a wonderful thing, how much you care for him, in such a selfless way. You are honoring God in the way you care for Ian. And those of us who love God also, see the way you care for Ian and only hope that we can show the same love to our loved ones. Take heart Larissa. The one who sees and knows all, sees your good deeds and is pleased."

This post is for all of you who are loving others in sacrificial ways and getting weary. May the perspective Larissa shares in the rest of her entry about love bearing all things refresh your faith today.

Fill Up Your iPod--for Free!

A few weeks ago, a friend asked me where he could find C.J. Mahaney's classic message, "The Main Thing." He wanted to recommend the sermon to another friend and send him the link for a free download. That message was one of many that eventually became part of C.J.'s book, Living the Cross-Centered Life. But at that time, the message wasn't available for a free download.

It is now.

All of the MP3 messages on the Sovereign Grace Store have just been made free to download. You can sort by topic, by event, or by speaker.

Want to check out C.J.'s messages? You just have to sort by his name. You can also find messages by other Sovereign Grace pastors such as Bob Kauflin, Josh Harris, Jeff Purswell, and Dave Harvey. Or you can find messages by guest speakers such as Al Mohler, Wayne Grudem, Mark Dever, Randy Alcorn, John Piper, David Powlison, Ken Sande, R.C. Sproul, Bruce Ware, and more.

You can also find messages from the GirlTalkers: Carolyn Mahaney, Nicole Whitacre, Kristin Chesemore, and Janelle Bradshaw.

How about specific topics? If you need messages on bible doctrine--the essential teachings of the Christian faith--you can find them on the store. You can also find messages on a wide range of topics, such as biblical counseling, modesty, finances, marriage, parenting, and much more.

Have fun shopping!

The Art of the Apology

As apologies go, this one was really lame.

Worse yet, it was delivered over e-mail a few days too late: "Hey, too bad I couldn't make it on Saturday. Something came up. Sorry if it caused a problem."

Anna hit the delete button and swallowed her resentment. The previous Saturday she had hosted a dinner party for several friends. It was the culmination of several weeks of planning, a sizable cash outlay, two nights of cleaning, and one day of cooking. It was a labor of love for several good friends — and a potential audition for the role of a wife. She had hoped her domestic skills would be appreciated and projected into the future by a certain single man. But he was AWOL by the time dinner was served.

"That's what I get for making the effort," she mumbled to herself as the tears began their descent. "He is so not worth it."

The next time Anna saw Mark at a singles event, she refused to make eye contact and coolly walked away.

"I can't believe it — she blew me off," Mark complained to his buddy. "Did you see that? I apologized to her and now she won't even talk to me!"

Sorry if ...

Those two words are a dodge. They attempt to address the tension in the air but they diffuse nothing. "If" implies the offense isn't evident, requiring the speaker to offer a vague assessment of the problem while skirting any responsibility for it. A simple "sorry" is an air-kiss in the direction of a true acknowledgment of wrong-doing. Offered together, they typically fuel the offense, rather than placate it.

This is the kind of phrase we typically utter when we recognize there is tension in a relationship, but we don't want to put in the hard work to accomplish genuine reconciliation.

And it always comes across as hollow as it is.

[The rest of the article can be read on Boundless.org.]

When God Speaks to a Single Man

There was a time when people would come bouncing up to me with the latest engagement story and expect that hearing this news would somehow encourage me. But I was rarely encouraged. (Sad admission, but true.) I think I was operating under the human principle of limited resources, rather than the divine principle of abundant lovingkindness. If God was blessing someone else, in my creaturely reasoning this meant fewer blessings were available to me, like a game of musical chairs with a dwindling number of seats to grab.

Fortunately, the Lord has been working on that pride in my heart and now I can say I do rejoice with those who rejoice. In fact, when one of my friends recently got engaged, I asked if she and her fiancé would share their courtship story. The reason I think it would encourage all of you is because it is an illustration of what happens when God speaks to a single man who is listening for His voice.

Just like many romantic comedies, the story begins with a bad first impression. When Linda Zimmerman first met Felix Horensavitz, they had a small conflict about the office policy that she had to enforce. However, after they discovered they went to the same church, things soon improved. Here's Linda's side of the story:

I finally did meet Felix under better circumstances. I liked him but had no way to get to know him. Felix then started to drop by my office and would visit with me for an hour or so a day for quite some time. I liked him but he was not in a position to pursue me.

The first time I was really attracted to Felix was when we served together at a church event. I thought, Wow, this guy loves the Lord and he is a remarkable servant. We eventually ended up serving together on a ministry team at church, which gave us an opportunity to get to know each other a bit better. Felix continued to stop by my office and hang out, but he was not interested in me. In fact, after Felix shared his ten year plan with me, I knew he wasn't interested in me.

I decided then I had to move on for the purpose of guarding my heart. I was more than a little interested and he was not. So after praying that God's will be done in our friendship, I surrendered it to the Lord's capable hands and I stopped hanging out with him. I started praying about online dating and was even introduced to a friend of a friend because I wanted to be open to whatever God's will was for me--even if it looked different than what I expected. I didn't have total peace about any of the avenues that were available to me, so I kept praying that God would do whatever He had to do in the heart and life of the man I was to marry so that he could pursue me.

For his part, Felix was oblivious to a lot of this. But God was not. Felix picks up the story here:

When I first met Linda, I had no idea that she would become my wife...Wow it's still amazing to me, even now, to think about it. Anyway, I'm not sure how much time had passed, but I started seeing her more at the church and we would talk. I remember one night we were serving together, setting up someone else's wedding. It was that night that I gave her my ten year plan--and she wasn't a part of it. In fact, for the next several months she would stay clear of me to guard her own heart, but at the time I didn't know that.

By October of 2006, I was in one of my quiet times and I was praying. The Lord spoke to me clearly and said that I was to court Linda Zimmerman. I said, "What? That's not what I'm praying for!" It wasn't even in context to what I was just reading in my Bible. So I questioned God on this and He repeated, "You will court Linda Zimmerman." I then immediately started to pray about this and get counsel from others. In time, it became definitely clear that this was what the Lord wanted me to do.

Thanksgiving came and went and sometime in early December, Linda came out of the woodwork at church and asked me a question. Now I haven't seen her or talked to her in months, but I'm waiting for the right moment to ask her into a courtship. So I see her coming towards me and I'm thinking, I'll ask her now. But before I can say anything, she blurts out a question, I answer it, and she walks away.

Then I find out Linda has been talking to a guy in Connecticut and he was going to come down to see her the next weekend. I have now got to scramble and ask her into a courtship before this guy gets down here. So I called Linda and told her that I needed to talk to her. We met the next day at lunch time. I began to tell her what had happened in my quiet time and all the things that had transpired to get me to this point. I was even bold enough to tell her that I was stepping out in faith in this because it really wasn't what was in my heart at that time, but I want to be faithful to God. So I laid out a plan that I thought my life would look like and asked if she wanted to go for the ride. She told me that she needed some time to think about it and pray. I said that's the best answer you can give me, pray!

I'm not surprised that Linda asked for time to pray. She has always been a praying woman. In fact, she was among the small group of women I once mentioned in a previous blog post that were praying for husbands and praying for the men of our church. Here's how she concludes the story:

I was caught off guard when Felix called me up and asked if we could meet for dinner or coffee. I thought either he was going to correct me or confront me on something, because we had not spoken for three months at that point. So we set up a time to meet on my lunch hour the next day. Felix was so kind, very clear and humble when we asked me into a courtship. He just came out and said, "I asked you to meet with me because I want to ask you into a courtship. If you say no, please know it will not affect our friendship because I want God's will for both of us first and foremost." He went on to tell me that he chose me because he knew I would help him grow in his relationship with the Lord. That blew me away because I can be a little bold and often have been tempted to believe the lie that no man would want to marry me because I was willing to speak truth to them. On the outside I was calm and cool, but on the inside I was totally like, "AGH!!!!!"

After talking to my pastor and several good friends, I was advised not to leave Felix waiting if I knew my answer. So six hours later, I called Felix and told him yes, I would be honored to court him. It was a wonderful lesson to me about how godly men truly honor and are attracted to the things that God holds in high regard and finds attractive--and to seek the Lord in prayer for all things.

When I was 17, God in his mercy saved me from his wrath. I started praying then for a godly husband and to be a godly wife when the time came. I am now almost 33 years old, and I can tell you that God has been faithful to answer my prayer for a godly husband. Felix either has every quality I prayed for or is working on it. I know many of you reading this have prayed for longer than I have. But please do not stop! I have learned it's more about what I believe about the One who answers my prayers, as opposed to the prayers prayed or what I see in my circumstances.

Felix and Linda will be married September 1 and, Lord willing, I'll be at their wedding, thanking God for His blessing upon them.

Prayer Update: Two Hostages Freed

An update to last week's blog post: If you didn't see it in the news today, two female hostages from the South Korean church group held by the Taliban were freed Monday and are reported to be in stable condition.

Please keep praying for this group--both for their safety and for the gospel to be demonstrated and proclaimed among their captors.

Virtual Infidelity

Years ago, I read an article that talked about virtual reality taking over carbon-based reality in such a way that people would stop being able to tell the difference between the two. Virtual reality would allow human beings to think they could create a reality apart from God's creation--and thus be free of His authority.

In many ways, we are here now. The virtual world of Second Life is introducing a host of problems. I've never explored Second Life, but I keep reading about it and the implications of its existence. A recent article in The Wall Street Journal introduced a new concept: virtual infidelity. Unlike chat rooms with real, carbon-based people, these are relationships between virtual reality avatars in the Second Life world. The problem is that avatars, like puppets, don't move or interact without someone manipulating them. So the creator/user of the avatar gets sucked into hours and hours of life in virtual reality, often to the detriment of real life relationships.

In this piece, "Is This Man Cheating on His Wife?," the WSJ piece seeks to explore the impact on a blood-and-flesh marriage of a Second Life marriage.

On a scorching July afternoon, as the temperature creeps toward 118 degrees in a quiet suburb east of Phoenix, Ric Hoogestraat sits at his computer with the blinds drawn, smoking a cigarette. While his wife, Sue, watches television in the living room, Mr. Hoogestraat chats online with what appears on the screen to be a tall, slim redhead.

He's never met the woman outside of the computer world of Second Life, a well-chronicled digital fantasyland with more than eight million registered "residents" who get jobs, attend concerts and date other users. He's never so much as spoken to her on the telephone. But their relationship has taken on curiously real dimensions. They own two dogs, pay a mortgage together and spend hours shopping at the mall and taking long motorcycle rides. This May, when Mr. Hoogestraat, 53, needed real-life surgery, the redhead cheered him up with a private island that cost her $120,000 in the virtual world's currency, or about $480 in real-world dollars. Their bond is so strong that three months ago, Mr. Hoogestraat asked Janet Spielman, the 38-year-old Canadian woman who controls the redhead, to become his virtual wife.

The woman he's legally wed to is not amused. "It's really devastating," says Sue Hoogestraat, 58, an export agent for a shipping company, who has been married to Mr. Hoogestraat for seven months. "You try to talk to someone or bring them a drink, and they'll be having sex with a cartoon."

Mr. Hoogestraat plays down his online relationship, assuring his wife that it's only a game. While many busy people can't fathom the idea of taking on another set of commitments, especially imaginary ones, Second Life and other multiplayer games are moving into the mainstream. With some 30 million people now involved world-wide, there is mounting concern that some are squandering, even damaging their real lives by obsessing over their "second" ones. That's always been a concern with videogames, but a field of study suggests that the boundary between virtual worlds and reality may be more porous than experts previously imagined.

What I noted in this piece is that Ric has been married in real life for seven months. But he's been married in Second Life for three months. Not much of a gap there. Sue is not ready to give up on her marriage, according to this article. I hope this couple can survive. But virtual reality is already taking a toll on other marriages:

Family-law experts and marital counselors say they're seeing a growing number of marriages dissolve over virtual infidelity. Cyber affairs don't legally count as adultery unless they cross over into the real world, but they may be cited as grounds for divorce and could be a factor in determining alimony and child custody in some states, according to several legal experts, including Jeff Atkinson, professor at the DePaul University College of Law and author of the American Bar Association's "Guide to Marriage, Divorce and Families."

Any relationship, especially a marriage, requires an investment of time, energy, effort, and communication. When the best of these things is going elsewhere, the relationship will suffer. Virtual reality introduces a new paradigm, but our sinful and self-centered hearts go with it. We obviously need God wherever we are.

I haven't read about gospel-preaching avatars yet, but I wouldn't be surprised to learn of their existence...

(HT: Paleoevangelical.)

Girls and Poverty

Did you know that girls in impoverished countries are less likely to receive adequate medical care or food, compared to boys? Here are some grim statistics I recently received from World Vision:

- Seven out of ten of the world's hungry are women.
- Nearly half of all girls born in the 50 least developed countries will never attend school, sentencing them to a life of poverty and disease.
- Due to poverty, illiteracy, and the denial of decision-making power, women are becoming infected with HIV faster than men in Asia, Africa, Eastern Europe, and Latin America.
- Every six seconds a girl under five dies of preventable causes.
- Of the 800 million who lack basic work skills to rise out of poverty, two-thirds are female.

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Another little girl has died. It's almost overwhelming to comprehend.

I sponsor a little girl through World Vision. They are looking for more sponsors for little girls. I'm sure Compassion International is, too. I also support Shared Hope International to rescue female victims of sex trafficking (a result of poverty as well as sin) and Covenant Mercies for AIDS orphans (you can sponsor a child through Covenant Mercies, too). None of these agencies will meet their budgets on my modest donations. But I'd like to use the platform the Lord has given me through this blog to encourage you all to give, too. Out of the thousands who visit each week, perhaps we could add sponsors for several hundred more girls around the world? What a joy that would be!

I'd like to make a special plea to the single women reading this blog who want children. There are little girls around the world who could benefit from your nurturing side right now. If you are not doing so already, may I encourage you to sow what God has given you into the life of a little girl in an impoverished nation? If you decide to do so, please send in a comment. I'm opening the comments for this post.

(The photo above is of Angela. She is two years old and lives in El Salvador. She is also looking for a sponsor.).

UPDATE: On Saturday, I received a quick note from Tom Emmons at Compassion. He wrote: "Thank you for your post about girls and poverty. Also, thank you for your link to Compassion’s web site. Your article and link to our site has already resulted in activity on our site and at least one newly sponsored child!" That's wonderful! I am praying for many more sponsors. In fact, I asked the Lord for a specific number--a big number--of new sponsors. So please do let me know if you decide to sponsor a child from any of these organizations. I would truly rejoice to hear from you!