Connecting 'Mentees' to Mentors

Continuing our mentoring sub-theme in the Practical Issues for Godly Women series, we are now looking at the Titus 2 priority for older women to mentor younger women. So let's start with the basics of that. Here's a question I recently received, in which one woman asked how she can find younger women to mentor. I think she will benefit from everyone's input. So I've opened the comments function on this post and look forward to sharing your ideas with this reader.

Q: I often read your blog & just wanted to ask you about some of your recent posts. Many of them have been inspiring, particularly regarding Titus 2 and mentoring young(er) women. I have been praying about mentoring a few young ladies through my church or Campus Crusade, which is a very active group at the university I attend. Do you have any suggestions about finding mentees? Do you have any ideas on how I can prepare to be an effective mentor? Any ideas, suggestions, or feedback you can provide would be helpful. Thank you! -- Rachel

Your ideas and experiences are most welcome!

Comments

[leslie]

in my experience, it happens naturally. i am currently discipling (mentoring) a younger woman. i have been in a community group with her for 2 yrs and we just really "hit it off". from just hanging out at community group or church the Lord was extremely clear about it.

in the past i was part of a "program" set up by the church i was attending at the time and it definitly did not work out being "set-up". i think it has to be totally natural...and that happens through prayer and seeking exactly what the Lord has for you and the other woman.

[Linda T]

When I was a young mom (in my 20's) I prayed for an "older woman" to come alongside. I stayed home with my babies with no car, so I was pretty isolated. No older woman came forward, but I did discover Edith Schaeffer and Elisabeth Eliot - what a blessing! However, I'm now an "older woman" (grandmother) and I've had a number of younger women approach me to say "I'd really like to talk with you about ____." This has opened the door to some great friendships and mentoring opportunities. So, to the younger women, ask! To the older women - Ask the younger women how things are going for them and how you can pray for them. Ask them over for tea, or meet them at that trendy shop for chai. Be a friend. If they seem uncomfortable or are not receptive, nothing is lost. You now know better how to pray for them and they know someone who is interested should a desire for a mentor arise later. I think the best prep God gives us to be mentors is to be aware of His truth and work in our own lives. Spiritual life isn't theoretical; it's "trench work", if I may use the phrase. There will particular younger women who face similar issues that you have faced, so be prepared to guide them through Scriptures that have led you and point them beyond the present moment to Christ.
I'm so delighted to see older and younger women recognizing that God's ways are best. We are put in a Body for our good and His glory. Mentoring is a glorious expression of that Body life.
Blessings,
Linda

[Bethany]

I think it is fantastic that this question is coming up. You won't have to look hard for a mentoree, most young women I know are like myself - craving to be mentored by an older woman. We get frustrated because we can't seem to find women willing to mentor us. Praise the LORD for placing this biblical command on your heart.
I am currently being mentored by an older woman. Every week, we go out for coffee and for several hours talk about EVERYTHING in my life. She always challenges and encourages me. Plus, she is frank about her own life. This has been the best decision I've made in a long time; being willing to be vulnerable with her and allowing the LORD to use her to point out areas in my life needing improvement. Talk to leaders are your Campus Crusade and church; I'm sure they can suggest women who would be open.

[Heather]

I am actually a younger woman, or at least I like to think of myself that way. I am more in the middle. I have always desired to learn from older women, but have a hard time on the other end of the equation than your question.

This year I have had huge doors open up with the older ladies in our church and it has been such a blessing. I have always greeted them and sometimes sat by them in prayer meeting to pray with them, but what really opened up doors was knitting.

One Sunday morning I greeted an older lady in church as we were getting our coats on to leave. I commented on how much I liked her pretty fuzzy scarf. I asked where she got it because I was looking for one just like it. She told me she knitted it. She asked about what colors I liked and that night she arrived at the evening service with a brown fuzzy scarf that went perfectly with my coat. A couple of weeks later I received a pair of matching gloves with the fuzzy cuff. I just love them! In my thank you note I asked if she taught knitting lessons. And that was the beginning of our friendship. Honestly I didn't think I would be able to knit or even enjoy it. I just wanted to get to know this woman that I greatly admired for her grace filled life. She was a recent widow and I thought maybe I could be an encouragement to her as well.

I not only learned to knit and LOVE it, I made a wonderful friend and mentor. She has taught me so much more than knitting. I have also met other older ladies who knit in our church and they have helped me with different projects. One of the friends of this older woman wanted to get to know me but doesn't knit, so she wants to teach me to make jewelry. At this point, I don't have a lot of desire to make jewelry. I am enjoying my new knitting hobby too much, but I would love to get to know this godly older woman and will probably learn to love making jewelry.

The thing that I have been amazed at is how much these older woman want to know the younger generation, but don't know how and don't feel needed. It's hard on both ends to force a relationship, or find common ground. It would be awkward to approach someone and say, "I admire you and you are old, please mentor me." Or, "I am older and wiser than you and could teach you a lot." But to invite a younger woman over to bake something together or teach a skill is a fun way to build a relationship.

[Sara Rankin]

Excellent questions! That is wonderful you want to mentor younger women. As I have gone through myself wondering how I may serve the younger women in my church, I have found some of the following to be true in my life. This is not an exhaustive list by no means.

1. Look for girls who may not be from the area and/or their families may not attend the same church. By getting to know them and spend time with them, you will serve them and bless them in so many ways.

2. Mentoring someone can mean you putting in all the hard work of initiating and keeping the relationship going. I've often struggled with this and God has used these times to expose selfishness and embrace sacrifice. When it was God's time to end the season of mentoring someone or end the relationship, he made that clear to me and the other person.

3. Have open hands with the relationship. Things change, relationships change. You may only mentor someone for 6 weeks or 6 months.

4. Have fun with the girls! I have found this to be the hardest to implement but a turning point in the relationship.

Blessings!
Sara

[Rebecca Stewart]

First, as someone in search of a mentor: Hi there! Here I am!! (surprised it's that easy huh?)

Anyhow, since chances are good that I'm no where near whatever your local area happens to be, here's my standpoint as a mentee. I think the biggest issue is to be relevant. Many issues in women's lives have stayed more or less the same over the years--we all still have to deal with our periods and that delightful week of topsy turvy emotions, etc.

Some things are different. For example, the cultural undertone that being a wife and mother are not worthy pursuits because they don't benefit society at large (and of course they really DO), has be come much stronger and a greater force to be reckoned with than in the past.

I think one of the most prominent things that young women are dealing with today is what their roles are truly to be. A woman can have an education, and a career, but not at the expense of husband and family. If you do have an education and begin a career, it may be a few short years until you must leave that outside career to be a mother, and then can you really justify all the time and effort and money you put into school?

In other words, we're a confused bunch. We need help with the issues relevant to our generation, and the issues that will always be relevant.

[Lynn]

I have discipled a young girl from my church for almost four years (we celebrate our four year "anniversary" this month and have plans for a girls night out on the town!), and I have two tips to add to the wealth of good advice that others have contributed:

1) If you are mentoring/discipling a young person who still lives at home, develop a good relationship with her parents. Recognize the God-given, spiritual authority of parents over their children and communicate to parents your desire to partner with them in training their daughter to be a woman of God. Many teens have rough relationships with their parents and mentors can be peacemakers in those situations. I talk with the mother of the girl I mentor every week or so, and let her know what's come up in my conversations with her daughter. She (the mother) also lets me know if there are any issues she would like me to address with her daughter. My "mentee" knows that I talk regularly with her mom and there is openness and trust in the relationships between the three of us.

2) If you are mentoring someone, be sure to get mentored yourself! I made the mistake of mentoring someone without being mentored for about a year, and it was tough. It's wonderful to have an older woman who prays for me, advises me, and corrects and encourages me. I have much more to offer my "mentee" when I am also receiving the benefits of a mentor.

[Elizabeth]

That's a great question! It's also one that really resonates with me as I seek to learn how to be a good, Biblical mentor and as I seek an older woman who would be willing to mentor me. (I second Rebecca's "Here I am! Here I am!") There are some great suggestions here already, but here are a few of my own.

Suggestions about finding mentees:

First, start with what God has already given you. When Christ spoke to His followers before His ascension, He told them that they would be His “witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth” (Acts 1:8, ESV). Christ was following a natural progression. His followers would start being a witness right where they were in the city of Jerusalem, then they would witness in the countryside (Judea), then in the neighboring town (Samaria), and gradually, throughout all the earth. Christ didn’t say they would start in Corinth; that wouldn’t make sense when they were already in Jerusalem.

The same it true with us. We needn’t start looking for someone to mentor in a new place. There are probably many younger women in your local church, family, etc. that would love to have this type of relationship, and you probably already have the advantage of knowing their families, some of their background, etc. Furthermore, your local church is the body of believers that you’re committed to serving and growing with. We need to be careful not to assume that the younger women among us don’t want or already have relationships with older women.

Second, I would encourage women to take special note of younger women who don’t have family nearby, have lost their mother, or who don’t come from believing families. In a sense, these women are some of the orphans that Scripture encourages us to care for (James 1:27). The former two groups of women can’t just go home and have their mom’s show them how to do things (i.e. prepare a certain dish). The later two groups can’t just ask their mothers for Biblical advice on things (i.e. relationships).

Third, while those desiring to be mentored ought to humble themselves and ask older women for their time and counsel, those desiring to mentor also ought to make an attempt to connect with younger women, assuring them that they are willing to take the time to build a relationship/friendship and offer counsel. (It seems that the woman asking the question is already doing this, but I thought I'd put that out there as a suggestion for others who may be desiring but not actively pursuing a mentoring relationship. I would love to be mentored but am unsure who has the time to invest in that type of relationship.)

Preparing to be an effective mentor:

First, (and most important though it may seem obvious), we must be in the Word (and other spiritual disciplines) on a regular basis so that we are ready to offer a word in season (Proverbs 15:23, 2 Timothy 4:2). We must always be ready to offer Scripture in encouraging, rebuking, correcting, training, etc.

Second, learn to ask heart-probing questions using Biblical language rather than merely bringing conclusions. Some starting points you may find helpful are: GirlTalk's recent post with questions for pursing Biblical Fellowship: Fellowship Questions and One More Question. Also, the Family Room Blog has also had some questions that could be adapted for this use: Unveiling Grace and Grace-Directing Questions.

Hope this serves!

Warmly,
Elizabeth

[Beth]

You just have to put yoursef out there and ask! The mentor/mentee relationship can feel a little bit like having a DTR. I remember asking my mentor to disciple me, it was late one night in her car and my heart was pounding and I was so scared she would say no. But remember, as the mentor, usually this is a younger girl who looks up to you so it may be intimidating for her to think of asking you. If you want to mentor someone, the best way to do it is to ask! Also, pray that the Lord would provide those relationships for you. He certainly will do it.

[Rachel VanWagnen]

Hello Everyone! Thanks so much for your responses to my question! Just to clarify: I am a graduate student at a local university so I'm a bit older than the traditional undergraduate student. Again, your insights are very much appreciated. ~Rachel

[yellerdaisies]

I would qualify as a younger woman. But, one of the things the Lord has shown me is that there is always someone younger. I don't have to wait to be "older" to disciple. In the singles ministry at our church there's lots of girls! :-) Most of them are younger than me, so I've struggled with who am I supposed to be "mentoring"? Two things I have found very helpful: 1. Prayer. Seeking God and asking Him who He wants me to serve. Who does He want me to mentor and share my life with. His answers haven't always been the people I'd pick. :-) But, when I act in obedience, I've the reasons why He's put a specific person on my heart.
2. Wait. I want to run out and grab the first younger girl I see and start sharing my life with her. But, I've seen a lot of wisdom in waiting on God. He doesn't always tell me who right away. I have to stop and sit and wait for Him to guide me. For someone that likes to "do" that can be frustrating! But, I've seen so much wisdom in waiting.

[Laurie]

I am just starting to disciple/mentor 2 girls in their 20's, what do you think they'd like to study, any ideas to pass along?

[Liz]

This is great to open it up for comments. Lots of good stuff going on here. As a young woman (30 this year), mother of two girls under 5, and a pastor's wife, I've had a lot of requests for me to mentor others, and some good (and no good) seasons of mentoring (or not mentoring) for me. I always think scripture is a good place to start and here is why:

1. Personal stuff is good, but your opinion on their opinion isn't nearly as powerful as God's Word.

2. As women (silent or verbose) we usually find some outlet for processing ideas. That seems to be the best time for personal stories and "life-learning" if you will. If you start with scripture you take it on its own terms and then it can morph into personal transformation by the Holy Spirit as a response to the Word of God. I find it a lot harder to go the other way.

3. Leading young women through scripture prepares them to read scripture on their own and then to lead others (be they children or adults). What better gift can you give someone?

4. As you get to know your "mentee" you can always change to a book study or something else. There's no set formula and it's okay to change it up. It's easier to know there is a gospel foundation because you went through it with them than to assume they have a good foundation (or not). Assuming they have pieces of the gospel that they don't have can make the application of the gospel tricky.

Hope this helps.