Radical Womanhood

Leap Year Traditions

I'm going to be away from the blog for the next week. So while I'm offline, I'm going to be pointing you to some of my other cyber-friends.

Today, I have the pleasure of introducing my friend, Erin Sutherland, who wrote a post for the New Attitude blog about the gospel and dating. You should note what is special about today, ladies! Once every four years, the tables are turned and legend has it that women are free to propose on Leap Year. As Erin writes:

Back in the 5th century, Saint Bridget complained to Saint Patrick that women were forced to wait too long for a marriage proposal.  According to legend, St. Patrick set aside one day every four years so forlorn females could ‘pop the question.’  That day is February 29th.  The tradition has found its way around the world; Scotland even made it a law in 1288—and any man who refused a proposal was required to pay a fine!  The idea is: leap year can fix calendar problems, and ‘female proposal days’ can fix lack-of-marriage problems.

Wait for it. When this article pops up on the Na blog, it's going to be good.

Speaking of turning the tables on Leap Year, I'd like to commend my manly friends for discovering the delights of tea. Such a great beverage should not be restricted to the province of females!

Here we have some of my friends visiting London and properly acknowledging the local culture by taking tea at Harrod's. From left: Matt, Nathan, Nathan, and Ken. 

The next photo are four tea newbies and their female friends at the Mayflower in D.C. We gathered in honor of a female friend's milestone birthday (I plead the Fifth regarding any details) and the guys were more than willing to do tea--they even planned it. From left: Angelita, Cleo, Michael, Jane, Jeff, Drew, Melanie, me, Aida, Margaret, and Ian.

Hmmm....a man willing to do tea might be just the kind of man to attract a Leap Year proposal. ;)

The Joy of Eating Together

The good old-fashioned family meal has so many benefits, not the least of which is serving the family some healthy fare. But there are also some benefits just from being together. A recent study published in the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine reported that sitting down for regular family meals may protect teen girls from developing eating disorders.

Dr. Dianne Neumark-Sztainer and colleagues from the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis found that adolescent girls who ate five or more meals each week with their families were approximately one third less likely to engage in extreme weight control behaviors, such as making themselves vomit, taking diet pills and abusing diuretics or laxatives than girls who ate less frequently with their families.

I am especially fond of family meals, perhaps because they are not common in my single adult life. So when I can get together with my extended family, I make a big deal out of it. Growing up, my official family title was Director of Ambiance--I was all about the music, candles, entertainment and the like. Now when I get together with my own nieces and nephews, I like to continue this tradition. When they were younger, we would practice "the art of conversation," as we termed it. Even the littlest ones would think of a question and follow-up response to ask a guest.

Now that the girls are old enough to take on some kitchen tasks, we often cook together, too. I've been trying to teach them how to cook intuitively, using ingredients already on hand. We have made some memorable dishes this way! But we have fun together, experimenting with all kinds of flavors and textures. (You haven't had nouvelle cuisine until you try a five-year-old's dish of mandarin oranges, marshmallows, pretzels, and uncooked spaghetti!) We make our dishes, rate them, and discuss over dinner what worked well and what we'd eat again. I want to encourage them that cooking can be a creative and rewarding endeavor. And since I'm the aunt and this is my special time with the "niblings," I don't mind the mound of dirty dishes afterward. (An impracticality for daily meals, I'm sure.)

Now my nieces are often in the  kitchen making items for family get-togethers or casual meals. My oldest nephew also enjoys decorating the table for holidays and leading us in conversations about what we're most grateful for at Thanksgiving and the like. I don't claim any extraordinary influence here (I tip my hat to their parents), but it's been fun to make my small contributions to their enjoyment of a good meal together!

(Photos: Natalie cooking a holiday brunch; the experimental dinner created by Claire, Stephanie, and Abigail and served on their hand-drawn dinner plates.)

Let's Dish!

In the Practical Issues series, we are now looking at cooking. I acknowledge that cooking is not as much of a gender-specific function today--many men I know are much better cooks than their wives or girlfriends--but in the day-to-day aspect of feeding a family, women are usually the ones to think through the meals and stock the groceries. So if the stove made 19th-century cooking easier, and processed and frozen foods made 20th-century cooking easier (easier, not necessarily better!), what can we say of 21st-century food? I have no idea what lies ahead, but I can tell you that one innovation I truly enjoy is the prep-kitchen concept of a place like Let's Dish.

One of the challenges I now have is limited time. Though I'm home a lot working on this book, I need as much free time as possible to write. While it's tempting to putter around in the kitchen (which I love to do), I had to figure out a way to eat healthfully and quickly. Frozen meals can only take you so far, especially if you try to avoid preservatives (as I do). There's also a limited palate in the microwavable-foods section. So when a friend of mine invited me to try Let's Dish, I wanted to try it.

If you've never been to a meal-assembly store before, the best way I can explain it is that it's like hiring out a sous chef. You select the meals you want to make online, register for a day and time that's good to go, and then you go assemble meals. The recipes (and nutrition data) are already figured out. The items are already assembled, diced, minced, chopped, etc., and you assemble according to your portions and preferences. Like garlic? Add a pinch more. Dislike cilantro? Skip it. In about 90 minutes, I had 24 meals assembled and ready for my freezer. No preservatives--all fresh! I selected Garlic Herbed Salmon (yummy!), Fusion Pork Tenderloin, Curried Vegetable Stew, and Citrus Almond Tilapia. Each dish serves six, so I divided my portions into thirds for easier access. Let's Dish even provides labels with the cooking instructions. So now, I simply take out a frozen dish in the morning and leave it in the refrigerator to thaw. I come home, heat up the oven, toss in the dish -- and by the time I've done all the little chores that must be handled when you come home (start the laundry, check your email, toss the junk mail, etc.), dinner is ready.

Even better: I had two meals ready to go in my freezer when a neighbor told me his twins were born. So not only am I prepared for healthy meals for myself, I am also stocked up to bless others. (A pre-paid visit to a meal-assembly store is also a great bridal or baby shower group gift.) The only downside is the unattractive bandanas you have to wear in a commercial kitchen--but I'd rather have hat-head and not find hair in my food later on!

If you want to try it, there are lots of similar concepts out there, so here's a link to a site that lists them by state. In the D.C. area, many of the Let's Dish franchises have a newcomers discount, which I expect would be offered by other companies, too. For me, it worked out to less than $6 per dinner -- a little more than a microwave meal, but better tasting and with less sodium on average. (And, hey, if you sign up for Let's Dish, give them my name as a referral. I might get a discount for my next trip there!)

(Photos: The Let's Dish kitchen in Gaithersburg MD; Dawn Weaver and Barb Jones assembling their meals; the three of us ready to go with our meals. Note to Barb and Dawn: I included the unflattering bandana shot of me, too!)

UPDATE: I opened the comments function on this post because a single woman sent in a great idea for how to adapt this concept to serve the married women in her church. Check it out!

Technology and Cooking

One resource I've found endlessly fascinating during my recent research is the out-of-print book titled, Just a Housewife: The Rise and Fall of Domesticity in America by Glenna Matthews. (If you can find a used copy on Amazon, it's worth it. The research is from a mainstream perspective, but one that's fair to Christian theology and influence.) I've learned many things reading this book, including how our cuisine has changed over the centuries because of technology. For example, I never thought through the implication of the stove on the kinds of meals a family would eat. Here's an excerpt from Just a Housewife:

Another technological change that had profound consequences for the style of domesticity was the development of the stove. The transition from open-hearth cookery to cook stove was effected in the middle decades of the nineteenth century. In her Treatise on Domestic Economy of 1841, Catharine Beecher gave instructions for the hearth, while in The American Women's Home, published in 1869, she and her sister Harriet Beecher Stowe discussed the stove. Affordable for almost all American households, the cast-iron stove made it easy to carry on several different cooking operations simultaneously--a feat much more difficult to accomplish over an open hearth--and thus contributed to a more varied menu in non-elite households. In short, the stove led to the demise of the one-pot meal.

By the way, the Beecher family was quite an industry in the 19th-century. I'll have to explore that further in a future post. But Harriet Beecher Stowe was the same woman who wrote Uncle Tom's Cabin, which led to the end of slavery in the United States. She had an influence on American culture and on the course of American history that no woman before had ever enjoyed. As Matthews notes, "This influence came about because Stowe used the moral authority of the housewife to justify speaking out against slavery. The cult of domesticity was predicated in part on the idea that home has an expressly political function. The political impact of Uncle Tom's Cabin, filled as it is with domestic imagery, demonstrated how the influence of home on the world could manifest itself."

But back to cooking technology. I also learned that cakes and other baked goods used to be made without "chemical leavening." In the 19th-century, this development was a big deal. I had no idea that baking soda and baking powder were chemical leavening, or even that baked goods used to be made without them. As Matthews notes: "Throughout most of the nineteenth century, cookbooks would reflect a tension between the old style of using eggs for leavening and the new, which permitted the use of cheaper ingredients and required less skill on the part of the baker." Apparently, beating eggs sufficiently to make fluffy baked goods was quite the art and one can taste the difference in the final product.

Better tasting baked goods would be my downfall. I guess I should be happy not to be tempted with them in this century!

Modern Abolition

One thing that fascinates me in my book research is how 19th-century women linked the cause of abolition to the issue of women's influence and role. Both first-wave feminists and those who promoted what's been called "the cult of domesticity" or "Republican motherhood" (meaning, of the new republic, not a political party) fought to end the slave trade. No matter how they defined a woman's role, they agreed that you couldn't examine the role of women without linking it to freedom for all human beings.

Since I'm traveling today, I asked my friend, Janice Lam, for an update on what she is doing in the area of human trafficking. Janice lives in London with her husband, Phil, and their young son. She works part-time as a lawyer for a non-governmental organization that is working to end human trafficking. She and Phil see this as part of their ministry as a family because they share a passion for international development and serving the Lord abroad.  "As parents now, we think a lot more about what it means for us to point our son to Christ and to be godly examples for him," she says. "I often remind myself that this role and legacy that we pass on to him is more important than any human rights work I do."

Janice is pictured at left in a moment of levity, at the Jane Austen house in Bath (U.K.). But her work and witness are a bit more serious. Here is her report:

When I first met Sarah, I wouldn’t have guessed that she had been a victim of human trafficking.  She was bubbly and polite.  A red Santa stocking cap was perched playfully on her head.  The conference room in the downtown Chicago high-rise where we met must have felt light years away from the small hut in Manila where she grew up.  Sarah had been trafficked from the Philippines to the United States by a wealthy family with the promise of a legitimate job that would enable her to send money back to her impoverished family.  Instead, she was ruthlessly exploited and abused as the family’s domestic worker, forced to work 16- to 18-hour days for as little as $100 a month.  The family she worked for took great pains to keep Sarah isolated and friendless, although an occasional phone call to her family every couple of years was permitted.  Sarah managed to endure and survive these conditions for nearly two decades before finally escaping with the help of a family acquaintance who called law enforcement authorities.

Human trafficking is not a new phenomenon.  Two hundred years ago, it was known as the Transatlantic Slave Trade, during which an estimated 3 million people from the African continent were transported from their homeland, sold as chattel and enslaved for the purposes of forced labor in the New World.  Today, human trafficking is defined as the movement of people through force, fraud or coercion for the purpose of forced labor, sexual exploitation, servitude or slavery-like practices.  In other words, people are sold as commodities and exploited for profit.

Estimates as to the number of persons trafficked globally range from 4 million to 27 million.  The International Labor Organization (ILO) estimates there are 12.3 million people in forced labor, bonded labor, forced child labor, and sexual servitude at any given time.  The U.S. government has estimated that approximately 800,000 people are trafficked across international borders, a number which does not include millions trafficked within their own countries.  The overwhelming majority of victims are women and girls and approximately half of them are minors. 

Human trafficking is a lucrative business.  A number of factors contribute to its growth, including discrimination against women; desperate economic circumstances caused by widespread poverty, political instability or war; corruption and complicity on the part of government officials and law enforcement personnel; a lack of information about the realities and dangers of trafficking; and insufficient punishment for traffickers.  The problem of trafficking is also compounded by government policies: many governments, for example, treat trafficked persons as illegal aliens, criminals, or both, exposing them to further abuse such as the possibility of being re-trafficked.  The government may deport a trafficked person rather than assist her if her presence in the country is unauthorized.

I became a lawyer because that is how God called me to serve Him.  Working to combat human trafficking is something that I’m passionate about, but it’s not without its challenges.  Anti-Christian sentiment is not uncommon.  Fresh out of law school, I took a job at a private law firm with a robust pro bono program that enabled me to represent Sarah in a civil lawsuit.  Since recently moving to London for my husband’s job, I started working for a non-governmental organization (NGO) conducting research on UK legislation and its impact on trafficking victims.  I have yet to encounter another Christian in my new office environment.  At times it can feel lonely being the sole Christian in a liberal place.  But the disparaging comments about the “religious right” or “those Bible bashers” don’t offend me anymore.  I’ve actually come to expect them.  These comments have provided at least one opportunity to engage a colleague and explain that the reason I care about this issue is precisely because I am one of those born-again Christians who believes in the dignity and value of a human life. 

The far greater challenge is reminding myself that the Lord is sovereign and in control.  That He hears the desperate cries of the wounded.  Scripture is filled with reminders of God’s heart for the poor and oppressed and His command to come alongside the weak and vulnerable.  (Psalm 82, James 1:27).  If my heart aches for Sarah’s sufferings, how much more is God grieved by these injustices? 

Still, sometimes, I feel hardened to the facts of the trafficking cases that I encounter.  Sometimes I tend to view human trafficking solely as an academic issue about which I conduct research.  Perhaps that is part of the subconscious coping mechanism I have developed over time.  Indeed, it is tempting to believe that the problem of human trafficking is insurmountable.  The numbers are staggering.  The British government has estimated that 4,000 women and children are trafficked into prostitution alone in the UK at any one time.  That’s thousands of shattered lives.  Even once a trafficked person is rescued from her situation, there is no promise of a happy ending.  Some are failed by the criminal justice system—traffickers walk free due to lack of sufficient evidence or witnesses unwilling to testify against them.  The trafficking victims themselves may be deported due to their immigration status, left without physical, emotional or psychological help or any financial compensation.  Worse yet, some may even be re-trafficked soon after they return home.  Governments may be painfully slow in developing and implementing anti-trafficking legislation and bringing traffickers to justice.  Corrupt immigration officials continue to look the other way each time they’re presented with falsified visas or passports for another woman about to leave the country and enter hell on earth. 

Sarah is one of the lucky ones.  Her traffickers were convicted and imprisoned.   The court ordered them to pay her years of withheld wages that they owed her, and that money is slowly starting to come in.  Sarah was issued a special three-year visa, known as a T visa, which allows her to remain in the country and apply for legal permanent residence status at the end of the three-year period.  Sarah works in retail now and enjoys going to parks and spending time with her boyfriend.  The scars are still visible—the lingering distrust in her eyes, the hesitation in her walk, the anger, frustration and tears in her voice as she tries to make sense of her betrayal at the hands of people she trusted.  The road to recovery is a long one.  Some days are better than others.    

I do not give up hope because of the promise that we have in our Heavenly Father through His Son Jesus Christ whose death and resurrection freed us from the bondage of sin.  It is the Lord who, through His righteous judgment, will deliver final justice where our earthly systems cannot.  He commands us not to take revenge but to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:19-21). 

One day God’s people shall dwell with Him in the new Jerusalem.  “He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”  (Revelations 21:4).  On this side of Heaven, we may never see an end to human suffering.  But it is the hope that we have in Christ and the promise of His kingdom to come that keeps me going until the day we are with Him in the new city. 

Photographing the Word

I'm off today to Minneapolis, where I'll be speaking at Northwestern College and Bethlehem Baptist Church over the weekend. I look forward to meeting the ladies there.

In the spirit of going to Minneapolis and talking about the Word, I'm referring you all to Justin Taylor's blog for a fascinating video and interview about the origins of the Bible. How does this relate? Well, I get to touch on both Minneapolis and the Word. I first met Justin when he worked for Desiring God in Minneapolis and now he is the project director for Crossway's ESV Study Bible, which I'm eagerly anticipating. Over the past several weeks, he has done a four-part interview with Daniel B. Wallace, Professor of New Testament Studies at Dallas Theological Seminary. This interview touched on the history of the Bible, the accuracy of the Bible, and how he is preserving those manuscripts through digital photography. No doubt you've heard the charge that the Bible was copied many times and can't possibly be accurate. If so, I think you'll find Dr. Wallace's work to be quite intriguing and reassuring. Even if you don't have time to read this series, I would encourage you to take a few moments to watch the video and pray for this preservation work!

Part One: A Bizarre Illness and Recovery

Part Two: What Is the Earliest NT Manuscript?

Part Three: What is a Textual Variant?

Part Four: Digital Archiving

 

Soccer Mom Wannabe

Monday's post considered the importance of long-term planning for women. Today I'm featuring a haunting article I stumbled across while doing my book research. It is written from the perspective of a woman who is conflicted about the choices she's made as a working mother and how trapped she feels by them. Titled, "Soccer Mom Wannabe," it carries this sub-headline: "Welcome to postmodern child rearing: I watch my son at daycare over the internet. He is growing up in Technicolor, right on my screen."

Author Jessica Smartt Gullion begins her article with this compelling description (with apologies for her slang):

He has not moved from that spot for 40 minutes. He just sits and watches the other kids come in. I think he has a book— it is hard to tell for sure.

The screen updates every five seconds or so. It reminds me of dancing under a strobe light. Flash: He’s sitting on the floor. Flash: Here comes a little girl. Flash: She whacks him on the head. Flash: He’s crying. Flash: Here comes the teacher.

Now, where is he? Flash: He’s crawled over to the cubby holes. Flash: What’s in there?

Every morning the alarm screams at 6:00 am. We get up, get washed, get fed, get dressed, strap his flailing body into the car seat, and haul him out to the daycare where two 18 year old girls watch him and ten other kids so I can go to my job that pays the daycare bill. And I become the voyeur. Welcome to postmodern child rearing: I watch my son at daycare over the internet. He is growing up in Technicolor, right on my screen.

The picture is not very clear. I can make out my son, but I can’t read his face. He is a blue blur. Wait— is that him? Yes, he has cuffs on his jeans this morning (they are too big but I couldn’t find anything else that fit/was clean).

I shouldn’t complain: I am lucky in today’s harsh economy to have a job that pays so well. At least that’s the propaganda they feed me over the TV.

I am lucky…

My mother’s generation fought hard so that a woman like me could earn a higher degree and have a prestigious career and make more money that most of her male co-workers. Feminists fought so their daughters could integrate into a man’s world, and perhaps, take it over. I am woman, hear me roar.

Problem is, this world sucks. I miss my family. On a typical day I am with my son (awake) for about 30 minutes in the morning, 30 minutes at lunch, and about 2 hours in the evenings for a grand total of 3 hours per day. I spend more time with my co-workers than my husband or son.

The author goes on to describe her emotional reaction to this work/life imbalance, concluding with this interesting observation: " I can’t reconcile this working/daycare thing. If I were a religious woman I would 'let go and let God.' But I’m not, so I fight it every day. I never thought I would pray to be a stay-at-home soccer mom."

The author's bio has been updated since this article was first released. Sadly (a reaction I have based on her own words) it says: "Since writing this essay, Jessica Smartt Gullion has had a daughter, who now is at the same daycare as her brother. 'I watch both of them on my computer at work. I am still very conflicted with my decision to work outside the home.'"

Gullion hits the nail on the head with her observation about trusting God. "Let Go and let God" is a weak theological statement for believers, but it's probably as close as an unbeliever is going to be able to come in articulating what it means to trust God for your provision, for His purposes for marriage and motherhood, and for what's eternally important. I don't quote her article to sneer at her. As a childless woman, I understand how little I know about parenting, so I want to proceed with humility. But I am fascinated by how she feels trapped by her choices and sees that faith is the answer. In fact, I found myself praying for her as I quoted her. 

Marx says that we are being exploited for our labor. It doesn’t matter how much money you make. The money part is irrelevant because no matter how much we make we are being exploited. We are disposable drones, punching in, punching out, selling our time, selling our souls. Agreeing that we would rather make money than be with our families. We would rather make money than care for our kids. We would rather sit at our desks watching our children over the internet.

Agreeing that we would rather make money than be with our families. We would rather make money than care for our kids. We would rather sit at our desks watching our children over the internet. That's a powerful summary--and a somber twist on "screen generation" children.

UPDATE: I have opened the comments function on this post, too, to hear from other parents. Comments are moderated.

Planning Ahead for Marriage and Motherhood

I'm currently working on the chapter about domesticity for my book and finding myself totally fascinated by my research. You wouldn't think there would be a lot to discuss in this area, but in fact, the history of domesticity in this nation alone is quite meaty. Of course, I had to do some major cleaning during my breaks--those dust bunnies loudly rebuked me in my studies! As I did my research, I thought of a young woman who wrote me a few weeks ago, asking for advice about the next steps in her future. In light of the history of women, it's funny to me how the questions have changed in the last 200 years or so. So, here is a very practical question for our Practical Issues for Godly Women series. I have posted her original question below and a slightly expanded version of my answer to her. However, I wonder what the collective counsel might be to her, so I've opened the comments function on this post.

Q: My name is Amanda, I am 20 years old and engaged to my fiancé, Mark. We are both Christians and embrace our biblical roles as male and female.  I have a calling on my life to be a stay-at-home wife and mother, while Mark is the breadwinner.  My parents, however, are not Christian.  They want me to get a college degree even if I don't use it.  However, unless I stop school now and work full-time until the wedding, then we have no way of paying for it.  Mark is encouraging me to stop school, and my pastor's wife said she was in the same situation and God has provided for her and her family while she stays home with the kids.  When I told my mom I was stopping school, she cried and has not talked to me since (this was two days ago).  Am I doing the wrong thing by stopping school, or am I just taking on the persecution for His name's sake?

A: This is not an easy situation to advise, Amanda. You are not yet married, so your parents' counsel and perspective is very important at this time, as they are still your God-ordained covering (even as unbelievers). But you also need to let your future husband begin to lead in these major decisions. And of course the counsel of your pastor is vital. I am on the fence myself, so please allow me to just muse aloud with you. Without further details or knowing you personally, I can't provide any solid answers for you, though perhaps I can help you sort through some issues to consider.

First, I commend you for making the roles of wife and mother a priority. This is definitely Scripture's accent for women, so I am glad you see and treasure this, too.

That said, I don't think these roles mean you have to forfeit any contributions to your family's finances. In fact, as I study, I see this is a relatively new idea in the history of the family--and in many ways it is the development of the consumer-driven, advertising-saturated economy that arose in the 20th century. But that's a longer blog post for another day! So let's look at Scripture, instead (always the better choice!). The example of domestic wisdom that we have in the Proverbs 31 woman is of an industrious woman who provided for her immediate family and extended household, and her skills led to some profitable trading. Her business savvy supplemented her family's income in the short-term (trading) and long-term (buying a vineyard, which takes years to come to fruition).

In light of the wise planning demonstrated by this virtuous woman, let's consider your situation. What would be best in the long-run? Well, I have seen many difficult situations arise later on in life when a woman is suddenly on her own financially--either because of death or unwanted divorce or chronic illness in her husband. Should any of those situations arise, what would be your best plan? Also, what might serve your husband later on in life? It's quite common for men to re-tool their careers in mid-life. If Mark ended up switching careers and needed your help with the family's income during the transition, what would you be prepared to do to help him?  If you have the opportunity to finish your college degree, it could turn out to be handy for your family finances later on, no matter what happens. Of course, if you have to go into great debt for this degree, that's another situation to consider. A heavy debt load could be the worst of all situations for your family. I don't know how you are currently paying for your college education, so by asking these questions, I'm just trying to get you to think longer-term about your marriage and your family's needs. You may have some specialized skills already that could bring in more money than entry-level service jobs, but since I don't know what either you or Mark are studying, I am a bit in the dark here.

Second, you say that you are stopping your education because you need to earn money to pay for the wedding. But you can certainly get married tomorrow without all the trappings. What you are looking to pay for is the pageant, the celebration, the big party. There's nothing wrong with that, but I wonder if that short-term goal of financing an event is more important than the long-term goal of being able to contribute to your family's finances in cases of economic downturns or other challenges. As our economy moves into recession, I've seen many women who are working in some fashion to support their families while their husbands are temporarily out of work. This does not negate the breadwinner obligation on the husband, but it certainly helps to have the Proverbs 31 business skills to contribute to the family's income when needed. Personally, I think we are headed for a major shakedown economically and that the next few years will be much harder than we've experienced in a long time. If you are working now to earn a down-payment on a home or to begin a 401K fund for your (likely) future as a widow--I know, a grim thought for an engaged woman, but it's often the case--then it might make sense to stop school and begin working. But think carefully about working to pay for an event that is literally consumed in one day. Don't get me wrong -- I love weddings! And I've optimistically been setting aside money in a wedding fund, too. But our "wedding industry" is out of control and the expectation for what's spent on that one day is borderline insane. In light of those questions and concerns, would working now or getting a college degree be the wiser decision? And practically speaking, would you be able to make enough money without a degree to be of any serious financial help?

Finally, I would appeal that you not think of this discussion with your parents in terms of persecution. This is just the beginning of many diplomatic conversations you and your husband will have in blending your families and their expectations with the formation of your own family. I would encourage you to see this as an opportunity for beginning regular dialogue of your plans and biblical convictions with both sets of your parents. In your case, if your parents believe you are willing to consider their views and to include them in conversations with your fiancé and your pastor and his wife, then you will be investing in a more solid adult relationship with them in the future. Your gracious patience here with them is akin to the 1 Peter 3 concept of the gracious patience of an unbelieving wife with her husband.

Should I Date Someone Whose Theology is Different?

Here's a good post-Valentine's Day question--and one that transitions us into some of the relational themes in our Practical Issues for Godly Women series. Today's Q&A comes from John Piper's podcast. You can listen to it or read the edited audio transcript below:

Q: Should I date someone whose theology is different?

A: Don't ask the minimalistic question. If you only want to know how little you have to agree on together in order to move forward, then you're asking the wrong question.

There should be a robust and common enthusiasm and joy about the gospel. You should also have a similar understanding of the gospel so that you're not always tricking each other by your words. You want to make sure that you have the same definitions for the words that you use.

So start at the center, and want the most.

It is difficult to rear your children and to worship together if you disagree on the center of the gospel and on the big issues of God's sovereignty. This involves the centrality of the cross, the substitutionary atonement, the inerrancy of the Scriptures, and the role of God in sin and suffering. You have to be able to nurture each other in ways that don't offend the other, and that flows from your view of the sovereignty of God.

So if one of you believes that God is not sovereign over the troubles of your life and over the salvation of the lost, but the other one does, then it is going to be very difficult for you in worship, devotion, and child rearing.

I would be very hesitant, frankly, to move forward in a relationship where there are deeply rooted differences about God's sovereignty, the gospel, or the inerrancy of Scripture. In regards to more marginal things, however, I wouldn't make them a criteria.

HT; Justin Taylor

Boasting on Valentine's Day

For those--married and unmarried alike--who today are unable to boast in flower deliveries, sparkly little gifts, or uber-romantic dinner plans as evidence of being loved ... there is something even better to boast in.

Thus says the LORD: "Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight," declares the LORD. (Jeremiah 9:23-24, emphasis added)

You are loved with an everlasting love. And what seems bitter now, can be made sweet. There is something good developing in the long wait. As Paul Tripp writes:

This side of eternity you and I are called to wait. We're called to recognize that the most important, most essential, most beautiful, and most lasting things in our life are things over which we have no control. No, these things are the gracious gifts of a loving Father. He never is foolish in the way he dispenses his gifts. He never plays favorites. He never mocks our neediness. He never plays bait and switch. He never teases or toys with us. His timing is always right and the gifts that he gives are always appropriate to the moment. He is kind, faithful, loving, merciful, and good.

The One on whom we wait is a dissatisfied Messiah. He will not relent, he will not quit, he will not rest until ever promise he has made been fully delivered. He will not turn from his work until every one of his children has been totally transformed. He will continue to fight until the last enemy is under his feet. He will reign until his kingdom has fully come. As long as sin exists, he will shower us with forgiving, empowering, and delivering grace. He will defend us against attack and attack the enemy on our behalf. He will be faithful to convict, rebuke, encourage, and comfort. He will continue to open the warehouse of his wisdom and unfold for us the glorious mysteries of his truth. He will stand with us through the darkness and the light. He will guide us on a path we could never have discovered or would never have been wise enough to choose.

When the time of fulfillment is at hand, God has a surprising way of supplying our needs. I appreciate Mark Altrogge's comments:

I love how the Lord provides for his people in unexpected ways.

Peter doesn't know where the cash will come from to pay the temple tax, so Jesus tells him to go fishing. He pulls out a fish with a gold coin in its mouth. Another time the disciples tell Jesus to send the crowds away so they can go into the local towns and grab some food. But Jesus comes out of left field again and turns a few fish and rolls into a picnic for thousands.

Three days after the Israelites watch God split the Red Sea and engulf the Egyptian army, they come to a place called Marah (Ex 15:22). Three days and they have yet to find any water. Their lips are cracked and their throats parched. So when they see desert sun glinting on water their hopes soar. But when they run to taste it, it's brackish. It's obviously Moses' fault. He should have done a Google search for the nearest pure watering hole before leaving Egypt. "Hey miracle man, what are we going to drink?" they gripe. They were obviously suffering short term memory loss. Hadn't God miraculously saved them from Pharaoh just 3 days earlier? How often our first response to any trial is to grumble and plunge into instant unbelief.

Read the rest of Bitter to Sweet for further encouragement today.

And happy Valentine's day!