Soccer Mom Wannabe

Monday's post considered the importance of long-term planning for women. Today I'm featuring a haunting article I stumbled across while doing my book research. It is written from the perspective of a woman who is conflicted about the choices she's made as a working mother and how trapped she feels by them. Titled, "Soccer Mom Wannabe," it carries this sub-headline: "Welcome to postmodern child rearing: I watch my son at daycare over the internet. He is growing up in Technicolor, right on my screen."

Author Jessica Smartt Gullion begins her article with this compelling description (with apologies for her slang):

He has not moved from that spot for 40 minutes. He just sits and watches the other kids come in. I think he has a book— it is hard to tell for sure.

The screen updates every five seconds or so. It reminds me of dancing under a strobe light. Flash: He’s sitting on the floor. Flash: Here comes a little girl. Flash: She whacks him on the head. Flash: He’s crying. Flash: Here comes the teacher.

Now, where is he? Flash: He’s crawled over to the cubby holes. Flash: What’s in there?

Every morning the alarm screams at 6:00 am. We get up, get washed, get fed, get dressed, strap his flailing body into the car seat, and haul him out to the daycare where two 18 year old girls watch him and ten other kids so I can go to my job that pays the daycare bill. And I become the voyeur. Welcome to postmodern child rearing: I watch my son at daycare over the internet. He is growing up in Technicolor, right on my screen.

The picture is not very clear. I can make out my son, but I can’t read his face. He is a blue blur. Wait— is that him? Yes, he has cuffs on his jeans this morning (they are too big but I couldn’t find anything else that fit/was clean).

I shouldn’t complain: I am lucky in today’s harsh economy to have a job that pays so well. At least that’s the propaganda they feed me over the TV.

I am lucky…

My mother’s generation fought hard so that a woman like me could earn a higher degree and have a prestigious career and make more money that most of her male co-workers. Feminists fought so their daughters could integrate into a man’s world, and perhaps, take it over. I am woman, hear me roar.

Problem is, this world sucks. I miss my family. On a typical day I am with my son (awake) for about 30 minutes in the morning, 30 minutes at lunch, and about 2 hours in the evenings for a grand total of 3 hours per day. I spend more time with my co-workers than my husband or son.

The author goes on to describe her emotional reaction to this work/life imbalance, concluding with this interesting observation: " I can’t reconcile this working/daycare thing. If I were a religious woman I would 'let go and let God.' But I’m not, so I fight it every day. I never thought I would pray to be a stay-at-home soccer mom."

The author's bio has been updated since this article was first released. Sadly (a reaction I have based on her own words) it says: "Since writing this essay, Jessica Smartt Gullion has had a daughter, who now is at the same daycare as her brother. 'I watch both of them on my computer at work. I am still very conflicted with my decision to work outside the home.'"

Gullion hits the nail on the head with her observation about trusting God. "Let Go and let God" is a weak theological statement for believers, but it's probably as close as an unbeliever is going to be able to come in articulating what it means to trust God for your provision, for His purposes for marriage and motherhood, and for what's eternally important. I don't quote her article to sneer at her. As a childless woman, I understand how little I know about parenting, so I want to proceed with humility. But I am fascinated by how she feels trapped by her choices and sees that faith is the answer. In fact, I found myself praying for her as I quoted her. 

Marx says that we are being exploited for our labor. It doesn’t matter how much money you make. The money part is irrelevant because no matter how much we make we are being exploited. We are disposable drones, punching in, punching out, selling our time, selling our souls. Agreeing that we would rather make money than be with our families. We would rather make money than care for our kids. We would rather sit at our desks watching our children over the internet.

Agreeing that we would rather make money than be with our families. We would rather make money than care for our kids. We would rather sit at our desks watching our children over the internet. That's a powerful summary--and a somber twist on "screen generation" children.

UPDATE: I have opened the comments function on this post, too, to hear from other parents. Comments are moderated.

Comments

[Katie from Albuquerque]

I looked up your blog because I loved the name. I remembered hearing in a sermon recently that God didn't call us to be meek and wimpy be to be radical and radically different-to change the world around us. I love that!

Your blog is wonderful, your writing insightful. This article is so sad. My kids are grown now and I remember struggling with this, working off and on and finally deciding to sacrifice everything our friends had in the way of not only luxuries, but really-just enough, in order to stay home with my kids until they were in their mid teens. It was good and it was also rough and I hated it sometimes-but I don't regret the decision I finally was able to make, though I felt guilty doing so. Now that I'm middle aged and out there working, it feels fitting and timely and my kids are proud of me. They look to me as an example of what's possible in life.

I would never begrudge a woman to make that choice for themselves, but I can surely sympathize with the thought that when our Moms stayed home with us because there wasn't a choice-it seems like it was so much easier for a woman's peace of mind. Less guilt. Less over-burden to the nth degree until you feel you're drowning from overwork.

Katie from Albuquerque

[Julie]

Carolyn~
Thank you so much for your blog. I am very interested to read your upcoming book. This blog post in particular hit home for me as I was recently at a "Women's Networking" event put on by the Diversity Committee of my company (engineering firm). This event was meant to help build a network of community for women within the company. During my time with these women, the topic of motherhood while working was a recurrent theme. These women were the "high performers" in the company and what I heard from them over and over was their guilt about not being with their children. My heart broke for these women as I realized for them, there appeared to be no hope. True hope for these women is found in the Gospel, but that isn't the accepted norm in this "Woman's World" society. I was the outcast as I described my desire to forgo my professional career (engineering) to stay at home when I have children. In your research, have you found information or interviewed women that have done just that for the Glory of God? Feminism certainly has swung to the other end of the spectrum as being a stay at home mom is now truly radical. I find it interesting that the statistics for women in enginering or other scientific fields hasn't continued on the incline as it did immediatley after the adoption of Title IV. The numbers have actually begun to decrease since the 1990s. I think this is a true indication of God's design for women. I hope your book will help communicate the bibilical truth for women.
Thanks again so much for your ministry here. You are truly glorifying God!
Blessings,
Julie

[Trish Ryan]

Wow. What a provocative, heart-wringing article. Thanks so much for posting this...it really puts tough choices in perspective.

[Bine]

Thank you so much for posting this! In particular I was touched by this statement: "My mother’s generation fought hard so that a woman like me could earn a higher degree and have a prestigious career and make more money that most of her male co-workers. Feminists fought so their daughters could integrate into a man’s world, and perhaps, take it over. I am woman, hear me roar." I can so relate. For my entire adult life I have struggled with being in positions where I was the primary breadwinner...in my first marriage because neither my ex nor I were believers and he believed women should work, then as a single mom after my ex decided to leave...and now as a Christian who is about to marry a man who makes a fraction of my income and pays child support to his ex. With becoming a Christian, my attitudes and beliefs about the role of a woman have changed significantly yet now I am struggling to crawl out from under the mountain of past disbedience and learning to rely on God's provision. I don't feel I can just up and quit my job as my groom to be would not be able to keep us afloat financially...he would not even come close. So what's a girl to do...pray, pray and pray while I continue to contribute to the family income. Meanwhile I watch my children who are now in school attend after-care programs.

[Jan]

Let me tell you something - I was 30 years old when I had my only son & I swore if I had to go barefoot & have nothing I would be a stay-at-home mom & God honored that desire because I truly believe it is His desire also. I don't care what anyone says - I wanted to raise my own baby - there is no money in this world that can take the place of that for sure. I do so treasure all those years I got to stay at home with him where I belonged. God provided all my needs according to His wisdom/riches & that was all that I needed or required. It is a choice that you make with God beforehand & my face was set like flint & God was with me in the decision/provision.

Jan Carver

[ReformedMommy]

I've never really missed the money we had before we had our 3 children, but what I do continue to struggle with is the sense of accomplishment and reward I had in the workplace. Parenting is unrelenting, exhausting and seemingly fruitless for long periods of time, on top of the fact that the job has so much more eternal import than any secular one. In every sin or bad habit of my kids I see my own sin or neglect, and what litle progress they/we make only comes after weeks or months or sometimes years of work. The words of praise are few and far between. I know that my reward will be in heaven, and I see how much sanctification and godly broken-ness being a mother has wrought in my life, but our culture is so caught up in the instant-gratification/reward mentality that a biweekly paycheck and regular attaboys afford. Sometimes it's hard to trade that mindset in for the (seemingly) far in the future "well done, good and faithful servant."

[Bernie Kawazoe]

Thank you for such a thought provoking article. I'm sure that this gal is one of many that feel this way daily and have been indoctrinated to believe that a definition of success is a "having it all", i.e. career, husband, home, kids, and other extra curricular activities.
I remember being pregnant with my 1st child (I have 4 now), believing that I would continue to work out of the home because I had "worked so hard" to get to where I was. But God, in His kindness, really soften my heart in the 8 weeks that I was home with my daughter. I went back to work full-time, commuting an hour and a half each way and I was miserable. God finally broke me and I put in my resignation, with hesitation, but in faith that God would meet all our needs. He honored our decision and I've been blessed to work part-time from home for the same company for 7 years now! I've only had to go into the office once or twice a year.
My heart breaks for ladies that have to leave the primary care of their children to others. It's a hard road to travel, but God is faithful to meet needs if they believe they belong at home. I can say that because I've lived it. But it took my obedience and a step of faith, first. And then, He graciously honored that obedience.

[Melissa]

Carolyn,
I have been reading your blog and anything writte by you for a year-and-a-half now and continue to be encouraged daily by it. It was especially interesting to read your article today, as I just wrote on my own blog yesterday about a new TV program entitled, "Secret Life of a Soccer Mom". The program unforunately looks like more ridicdulous propagation about why women should pursue their dreams in career and ignore their responsibilities to home and family. Keep up your God-honoring work and thank you for generously sharing it with us!
In His Love,
Melissa

[Debbie V.]

I may be missing the point but it seems to me that it is as one commenter said about "choices", but I don't think we are trapped by our choices. As Christian women we have the Lord who works all things out in our lives for good.

A lot of moms do work so that they and their family can eat, have clothing and a roof over their heads. In this case, working IS NOT a choice. There is very little left over for extras, and certainly not soccer fees or minivans. They learn to accept the situation, love their families the best they can, and trust God to take care of the big picture. They are thankful that their needs are met.
If a family is able to make do on the husband's salary, so that there IS a choice for the mom to earn money at a job, I don't see anything wrong with wanting to improve living conditions. What each family considers "better" is up to them. In this case, if the mom chooses to work, and it turns out that her time would be better spent at home, then she can return to staying home full time, because she has a choice.

[jaia]

Thanks, Carolyn; as always, I find your advice encouraging and wise in both of your last 2 posts.

With my husband's and parents' support and encouragement, I recently completed my doctorate in education (which I started before I was a wife or mother). By the world's standards and the opinion of my colleagues and professors, I'm now "wasting" the opportunities and gifts I've been given by staying at home with my 3 young kids instead of blazing trails of reform out in the world. By God's standard (though I confess I struggle at times with it), I'm honoring my God and my family, and changing the world - hopefully - by raising up Kingdom citizens who adore God and are learning about grace and the gospel in daily life. THAT has truly been the BEST gift and blessing of all.

I echo the comments made to your previous post supporting finishing school and the benefits of education (not necessarily the "degree") in marriage and parenting. I also wanted to add that my husband frequently reminds me that anytime we find our righteousness ANYWHERE besides the cross of Christ - whether it's in working or staying at home, in a degree, a job, or in our kids - we'll ultimately become discontent and disillusioned with our efforts, and Christ and the gospel are diminished in our lives. And oh, how easy it is to build up a false righteousness in the decision to stay at home and in the perceived benefits to my children! I think, sadly, the "mommy wars" (between stay-at-home and working moms) are at times most distinct in the pride and self-righteousness demonstrated by those of us in the church.

Our family's been blessed in that we haven't been impacted financially by our decision for me to be at home. I know that is a big issue for a lot of people, especially here in CA where it sometimes seems impossible for a family to live on one income. One piece of pragmatic advice I got from your blog that I have often passed on to young couples is to start budgeting and living on ONE income, even when you still have two. It's hard and it hurts...but far less so than when you try to make that move under duress :).

Blessings to you, Carolyn, and sorry for the long, rambling post!!

[Emily]

Carolyn,
Thank you for posting this very thought-provoking article. My heart goes out to that dear woman; how many more women there are in the workforce who feel exactly the same, Christian and non-Christian alike. It is so telling of our times.

[Lisa writes...]

What a heart wrenching article. Her despair and resignation and sense of entrapment are, as you described, haunting. I was particularly struck by the statement "we would rather make money." Certainly there are those women who must work for their children to eat and no one should disparage their choice and the necessity to do so. However, it's been my observation that most women work for the money, often claiming it to be necessary but really it's the stuff they find necessary.

I am profoundly grateful for the decision my husband and I made for me to stay home. I used to call it a privilege...and it is...but I think the term "privilege" offers the connotation that staying home is only for those who might be considered "privileged." It is a sacrifice, a blessing to be sure, but not an easy one.

This comment is getting lengthy, but I also wanted to echo something an earlier commenter said. Part of the challenge in staying home is the sense of a lack of accomplishment, which is a lie of our culture. So many stay at home moms feel as if they should be doing something "more", something "bigger." What a struggle to see with an eternal perspective and know that there is nothing this world offers--no accomplishment and no paycheck--that compares with the responsibility of raising a generation in the fear and admonition of the Lord!

I stay home because I believe God has called me here to be a mom to my four boys, but also to show that Jesus Christ is the great Treasure of this world and the next, far more precious than mere money.

[Lori]

Carolyn - I saw you when you spoke in Charlotte a couple of years ago and follow your blog fairly regularly. It is SUCH an encouragement to me as a single mom. It truly keeps me focused on the cross!
The Lord put it on my heart years ago to stay home with my 5 children even after my husband left me. I actually even struggled for a year about whether or not to home school them even as a single mom. I home schooled 4 of my 5 (one has special needs and therefore did attend school) despite the very heart-wrenching protests from many members of my family. I do have a teaching degree and yes, I could have worked. But instead I CHOSE to enjoy my children while they were young and live off of child support and a bit more from a very part-time job. We lived in 1,000 sq. ft. I do not in any way fault a woman for having to work if she needs to. I just want to encourage those of you who struggle with whether or not it is possible. My kids are high school aged and older now and I will NEVER regret staying home with them and spending every precious moment I could with them. I dread the empty nest that is looming ahead and I know will be here ever so quickly! Blessings to those of you who are trying to make that decision and know that if God wants you home, He'll provide a way!

[Julia]

Wow. I find it interesting how many of the comments here are from stay-at-home moms. Perhaps they're the ones with the time to read blogs! I worked full time while raising my children. In point of fact, so did most of our foremothers: they often just did it within the home. In my case, my husband and I owned a business until my children were in high school, which gave me more opportunity to spend time with them (they came to the office in the afternoons) than many other moms get. My children also received the blessing of getting to spend lots of quality time with their father, which I suspect, is something most of these children do not have. My choice to work wasn't about "luxuries". I drive a ten-year-old car and my television is the old fashioned kind--without a cable hookup. But I have three wonderful Christian adult daughters who are pursuing their own dreams of serving Christ in a variety of forms, with recognition that their job is to move forward in obedience to the calling of their Lord, regardless of what limitations the culture--sacred or secular--suggests should be placed on them.

[Mrs. U]

This article just breaks my heart. Why does this lady continue to work? Money?

My husband is a pastor of a small church in a small town. He makes just enough money for us to pay our bills (although there have been times when the church couldn't pay us and we had to wait on paying those bills!!!!). While I could have a job, too, and easily more than double our income, I do not work outside of our home. I love taking care of my family and our home. I would not trade this blessed profession for all the money in the world.

Life is so short. Children grow up so quickly. Do I want my children to remember me always dropping them off at the door of the daycare in their latest designer outfits? Or do I want them to remember me being with them all day long, loving on them, reading with them, LIVING with them?

Money or family? The choice is simple. I choose my family.

His,
Mrs. U

[Jessica Gullion]

Greetings! Thank you to everyone for your prayers and thoughts. It is so interesting to read everyone's comments.

This essay is (actually was.. it was written a few years ago) a very small snapshot into my life.

Unfortunately not everyone has a choice about this matter, and that's what led to the tension in the original essay. At the time I wrote this my family depended on my income to keep a modest roof over our heads and food on the table. My children did not, and still do not, wear designer clothes. For whatever reason, God did not find a way for me to stay home at that time. I can assure you, I prayed many times a day for it. When I used the phrase "let go and let God," I meant that I should have accepted the place I was in, that is, being the primary breadwinner of the family when in fact I wanted to be at home. I was, however, blessed to have a great support system, and wonderful othermothers to help me during that time, and I am so proud of my amazing children.

Thank you again for the prayers.