To Be At Home

In response to my last post, "The Economic Base of the Family," Janelle Hardy sent me the following joke:

The industrial revolution came and took the men from the home. Compulsory schooling came and took the children from the home. Feminism came and took the women from the home. And now...they are all out working to pay the mortgage so the dog can stay at home by himself.

Bah-dah-boom, bah-dah-bing.

But it's a good transition to our next post in the Practical Issues for Godly Women series. Last week, Boundless published an article from Heather Koerner about how she evaluated the decision to be a stay-at-home mother. What fascinated me about the piece is that she could speak both as a new mother and as a child who was often in daycare herself. As what's been called the "latch-key generation" becomes parents themselves, I think the "mommy wars" conversation is going to take on some interesting nuances. Here's an excerpt from her thoughtful article:

I can't tell you the exact moment I made the decision to be a stay-at-home mom.

I can remember a few of the moments that I acted on it — like when my husband and I started sacrificing for the "baby fund" or the day I handed in my resignation and said good-bye to almost 40 percent of our family income. But those were the action points, not the decision point.

I think that at different times in my life, I just started to know.

I'm sure it started in my own day care experience. After attending a group day care for much of my childhood, I took different jobs during my college breaks as a child care worker and nanny. Though most of my co-workers were nice, sweet ladies who tried to make the day pleasant for kids, I still began to see that there was something unique and special about a parent's love that a child care worker could never duplicate. Even with my one-on-one time as a nanny, I saw that, as much as I cared about my job, it was still that — a job.

But what about me, I would wonder. I'm a well-adjusted, productive member of society and I came through day care just fine. What's the problem?

I thought about that — hard. Then the answer came to me in three little words: in spite of. Day care had not made my childhood happy. My childhood was happy in spite of my time in day care. It was my parents' individual attention each night and on weekends that helped me to thrive. It wasn't that the days were always bad, but that my parents' love was always best.

I started to ask myself the hard questions: Who is going to raise my child someday? Will the nights and weekends be enough?

At times like that, I sometimes just longed for explicit biblical instruction. You know, some verse that would just settle the whole debate: "Thou shalt be a stay-at-home mom" or something like that.

Read the rest of "Why I'm at Home" on Boundless.org.

UPDATE: I have opened the comments function on this post.

Comments

[Di Di Ross]

Staying at home for me was a gradual decision. I actually quit my job to go back to school to obtain a degree in elementary education. While I was sitting in a class learning how to discipline a room full of children, it dawned on me that my 4 month old son was being raised by a babysitter. I decided then that my time was better spent at home.

Thank you for a refreshing article on the stay-at-home mom.

[Catherine Davis]

I appreciated this article and have also been frustrated to not find a specific Biblical 'thou shalt stay at home' mandate.
However, I think along with the Proverbs and Titus references, the simple and greatest commandment of "love the Lord your God... and Love your neighbour as yourself" has to include loving our children.
For my husband and I there was no doubt at all that the best way of loving our kids, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, was for us to care for them. I believe its important to sort this question out first before looking at the consequences (ie. less money, less career 'success' and so on)

Cathy

[DeputyHeadmistress]

I am 46 years old, and my mother went back to work when I was six weeks old. She's almost 70 and she is still working.

I knew before I ever had children that I was going to be a stay at home mom, no matter what, and my mother did a better job at mothering than most of my friends' sah mothers.
I do not remember a time when I assumed I would go to work while my children were young. From the time I can remember I knew that when I had kids, I would stay home with them.

I was subject to migraines in sixth grade and often had to leave school, in tears over my pounding, stabbing, head. My mom had to find an extra babysitter just for the migraine times, as our regular day care provider wasn't available in the middle of the day and Mom didn't ever want us home alone (I wasn't ever really a latch-key child). It was a nice lady, but I hated going to a near-stranger's house in tears and sick to my stomach from the pain, even though all I did there was go to sleep in a strange bed in an alien home. That's just one story of many- not all my care-givers were kind.

As an adult I have provided childcare, and I was a dedicated, conscientious, loving provider. But I noticed something- with my own children, nobody had to tell me that it had been too long since I held them- my arms just ached and I naturally went and got picked them up and cuddled them on a regular basis. With other people's children, I had to watch the clock and keep notes to make sure that in the business of day to day living they didn't lack for physical touch just because they were being quiet and easy.
With my own children, when Daddy came home I was bubbling over with everything they had done that day. With other people's children I learned to keep a journal so that I could tell their parents about their days- otherwise, I forgot things.

Of course, when I decided to be a sahm as long as my children were at home, I expected to put them in public school by the time they were 5 or 6. But we started homeschooling when our eldest was 6, and having a large family with a wide age spread, we've been doing that since 1988 and the youngest is only 9.=)

[Lisa writes...]

Thanks for this link. I completely agree with Heather: it's been my observation that most working moms work for financial reasons. I've been home for 14 years; still home even now though all my kids are in school all day--why? There's many reasons, not the least of which is that there are things far important to us than money. While I realize some moms do in fact have to work for their kids to eat,mMy husband and I both want to live like Jesus is the great Treasure of this life, not a second income!

Your Practical Issues series is wonderful!