My first book, Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Trusting God with a Hope Deferred, has been translated into Korean and will be published soon by IVP Korea. Fortunately, the singles book with the world's most ominous title has been retitled for Korean readers. ;) It will be called The Gift Allowed Today. Wise move. (And this is no slam on Crossway, the publisher of the American edition--I picked the original title. And only later learned how women would read not read it in public without a brown paper wrapper! heh)
Anyway, IVP Korea asked me to write a preface to this edition, sharing what I've learned since its original publication. I enjoyed this opportunity to reflect on the passing of time. This is what I wrote:
When I wrote this book five years ago, I was essentially preaching to myself. I was thinking aloud on the subject of singleness and femininity, unaware this process would attract an international audience. What a privilege to be used by God to encourage other single women, especially in a variety of nations! I’m grateful for this opportunity.
I also hoped this book would be my “swan song” on the subject of singleness. I hoped that I’d write it, then leave the topic forever by getting married. In God’s good providence, that has not happened. What has happened is that my contentment in God has grown. When I speak to other single women on this subject, I often joke that I am a symbol of their unwanted futures. When I was in my twenties, I would have been mortified to find out that I’d still be single in my mid-forties. I thought it was the worst possible fate. But now I have lived long enough to know that while singleness can be hard, there are many worse forms of suffering. God has abundantly blessed me—I can’t even begin to recount all the evidences of His generosity and mercy to me.
I often hear from other single women who are in their late twenties or late thirties and who are truly wrestling with being single. If you are in those pivotal years, facing the turn of a decade, you have my empathy. You are not alone in your struggles. Those years can be very hard for single women—I won’t deny that. But I also won’t leave you without encouragement. Your heavenly Father will not abandon you in this difficulty. He will shepherd you through this season if you will continue to look to Him for help and sustaining grace. I will also share a secret with you: While it seems utterly untenable to reach your forties as a single woman, the passing of time is actually a gift. Reaching midlife sharpens your focus upon eternity. The brevity of life becomes clearer and the reality of our pilgrimage through this life becomes more tangible.
Marriage is a wonderful gift, but it is only a gift for this lifetime. Those who have received marriage in this age will have to relinquish it in the next. We have to hold on to both of those truths in order to keep a balanced perspective. That’s how it is possible to keep on desiring marriage—as I do!—and yet avoid becoming bitter if it is not granted.
In the meantime, I hope this book will serve as a guide in your single years to embracing your femininity as a woman made in God’s image. That is no small thing. Celebrate your womanly qualities! You are no less feminine for being single. That’s the real heart of this book and I trust you will derive much benefit as you read.
Finally, to those of you who have picked up this book wondering if it can predict whether or not you are going to be single for the rest of your life—you will not find that answer here. No “gift test,” no subjective evaluation of your feelings, no gauge of your contentment, and no evaluation of your longing for sexual intimacy will provide that answer to you. Human beings like to think we have some secret for determining our futures, but we do not. Our futures belong in the hands of a sovereign God. He alone knows His good purposes and plans for us. Don’t squander your present worrying about your future. Be wise about preparing for marriage (it is the norm in Scripture!), but quiet your soul like a weaned child whenever you find anxiety about your future stirring in your heart (Psalm 131). Don’t despise God’s wonderful gift, either. If you are avoiding marriage because it seems too confining, too hard, or too risky, then read on. I believe the Holy Spirit will help you see how the gospel is advanced through Christian marriage and what a wonderful gift marriage and motherhood can be.
Though this book is framed through the lens of singleness, it is essentially a book about God’s design for womanhood. My prayer is that as you read, you will become less aware of your singleness and more grateful for your femininity.
I also hoped this book would be my “swan song” on the subject of singleness. I hoped that I’d write it, then leave the topic forever by getting married. In God’s good providence, that has not happened. What has happened is that my contentment in God has grown. When I speak to other single women on this subject, I often joke that I am a symbol of their unwanted futures. When I was in my twenties, I would have been mortified to find out that I’d still be single in my mid-forties. I thought it was the worst possible fate. But now I have lived long enough to know that while singleness can be hard, there are many worse forms of suffering. God has abundantly blessed me—I can’t even begin to recount all the evidences of His generosity and mercy to me.
I often hear from other single women who are in their late twenties or late thirties and who are truly wrestling with being single. If you are in those pivotal years, facing the turn of a decade, you have my empathy. You are not alone in your struggles. Those years can be very hard for single women—I won’t deny that. But I also won’t leave you without encouragement. Your heavenly Father will not abandon you in this difficulty. He will shepherd you through this season if you will continue to look to Him for help and sustaining grace. I will also share a secret with you: While it seems utterly untenable to reach your forties as a single woman, the passing of time is actually a gift. Reaching midlife sharpens your focus upon eternity. The brevity of life becomes clearer and the reality of our pilgrimage through this life becomes more tangible.
Marriage is a wonderful gift, but it is only a gift for this lifetime. Those who have received marriage in this age will have to relinquish it in the next. We have to hold on to both of those truths in order to keep a balanced perspective. That’s how it is possible to keep on desiring marriage—as I do!—and yet avoid becoming bitter if it is not granted.
In the meantime, I hope this book will serve as a guide in your single years to embracing your femininity as a woman made in God’s image. That is no small thing. Celebrate your womanly qualities! You are no less feminine for being single. That’s the real heart of this book and I trust you will derive much benefit as you read.
Finally, to those of you who have picked up this book wondering if it can predict whether or not you are going to be single for the rest of your life—you will not find that answer here. No “gift test,” no subjective evaluation of your feelings, no gauge of your contentment, and no evaluation of your longing for sexual intimacy will provide that answer to you. Human beings like to think we have some secret for determining our futures, but we do not. Our futures belong in the hands of a sovereign God. He alone knows His good purposes and plans for us. Don’t squander your present worrying about your future. Be wise about preparing for marriage (it is the norm in Scripture!), but quiet your soul like a weaned child whenever you find anxiety about your future stirring in your heart (Psalm 131). Don’t despise God’s wonderful gift, either. If you are avoiding marriage because it seems too confining, too hard, or too risky, then read on. I believe the Holy Spirit will help you see how the gospel is advanced through Christian marriage and what a wonderful gift marriage and motherhood can be.
Though this book is framed through the lens of singleness, it is essentially a book about God’s design for womanhood. My prayer is that as you read, you will become less aware of your singleness and more grateful for your femininity.
No way! Is your picture 20 years old? I truly would never guess your age by your photo on this blog. I have appreciated so many of the posts on this blog, and I want to thank you for your ministry.
Posted by: Kim | January 19, 2009 at 10:55 AM
Thank you Carolyn for writing such a beautiful, honest post. You are such an encouragement to those of us women who are single - more than you can ever imagine! God bless you sister.
Posted by: Emily (Unfurling Flower) | January 19, 2009 at 12:00 PM
This was great to read. In the last year God has taught me that I am 24, single and I have a wonderful life. If I'm 44 and single the only reason my life wouldn't be wonderful is because that is the attitude that I choose. Your thoughts really seem to confirm that!! Thank you!
Posted by: Sarah | January 19, 2009 at 12:52 PM
Thank you, everyone! And a special thanks to Kim for the compliment. ;) Yes, the photo is current -- less than a year old. But I have to confess, I had reservations about outing my age online.... ha ha ha ha!
Posted by: Carolyn | January 19, 2009 at 01:07 PM
Carolyn,
As someone who wrestled with how to have my identity in Christ rather than in marriage, one of the biggest challenges in the struggle was the lack of real role models of what true joyful God-honoring singleness could be.
Now married with three daughters of my own, I regularly look for role models to point my girls to on both sides of the, ahem, aisle. And you are so at the top of that list. I know that you never wanted to be the poster-woman for godly, joyful singleness, and believe me when I say that I pray regularly that your season in this role might soon come to an end. But whether it does or not, know that during this time your are leaving a legacy of faithfulness and joy in Christ that many daughters like mine will be blessed by.
Posted by: Rachael Starke | January 19, 2009 at 01:29 PM
And just to echo what Kim said - you make 4x-ish look great.
Posted by: Rachael Starke | January 19, 2009 at 01:30 PM
Congratulations Carolyn! God is using you in so many ways. I hope you're encouraged looking back on his faithfulness.
mike
i wonder how the phrase “swan song” translated into Korean...
Posted by: mike hartnett | January 19, 2009 at 06:27 PM
Interesting post. Your latest book looks good. Would it be at a local Lifeway store?
Also, I am trying my hand at writing. Would you recommend using a self-publisher or try to find an agent and go to the big publishers?
Posted by: Jennifer Barker | January 19, 2009 at 07:09 PM
Carolyn,
As a married reader, and admirer of your faith and endurance, I want to say thank you. I frequent your blog several times a month and am always inspired by your honesty and the way you challenge your heart. While I cannot understand the suffering that singleness brings on a personal level, I am encouraged as I face my own trials. This particular post is a wonderful reminder to keep an eternal persepective...and you are correct, as we age, we ARE so much more aware of what is most important. I applaud you Carolyn, well done!
Posted by: Deborah | January 19, 2009 at 10:35 PM
Thanks for sharing your heart. Enjoyed visiting your blog tonight. God bless.
Posted by: Kathy Butryn | January 19, 2009 at 10:51 PM
Carolyn,
Even when we married, my husband reminded me that we're all called to singleness at different points in life--before marriage, if we never marry, and if we're widowed. And even in marriage, there are days when you feel single-during times of illness, travel, or various constraints. Your book and your words are really for us all, today and in whatever days we have ahead of us.
I'm blogging about Jesus in my everyday at http://burningbushes.org/
Please visit me!
Posted by: Nicole | January 20, 2009 at 07:20 AM
I haven't read your book (yet), but just ran across your blog.
As another 40ish single, I am so thankful that God has brought me to the point where I want to live out my singleness fully for Him, rather than spending it husband-hunting.
He is the giver of all good gifts, and now (and maybe always) singleness is the gift He's given me. I can trust His provision.
Glad there is someone else out there preaching this message!
Posted by: Trinka Jeffery | January 20, 2009 at 03:46 PM
Carolyn: I first discovered you less than two years ago when i was poking around John Piper's website looking for teachings to download for the long trip between Gainesville and Miami, Florida and I have no doubt in my mind that God led me to your conference teaching "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?" Your blog is always an encouraging and edifying read and I am all-too happy to praise the Lord for growing my faith and contentment in Him through my own singleness and longing for marriage. I pray often for myself and my roommates, that the Lord would provide a godly man to lead and cherish us. I think I had learned that idea from reading a post on your blog awhile back and I pray it for you as well. Have a great day and Go Gators!
Posted by: Giorey | January 21, 2009 at 06:51 PM
Carolyn,
Thank you so much for writting this book. I purchased this book in Dec while I was purchasing some Christmas gifts. It was hard to put it down and finished it within two weeks which is good for me, especially since I didn't want to read it around other ;). I was a great encouragement to me. In my church I am the only single female that is over college graduate age but not yet in my mid 40s and I'm 27. Unfortantly most that are older are not really examples that I would like to learn from since they tend to be bitter and don't leave home to spend time with others often. Most of my friends that I see on a regular basis are younger and the last one got married this past fall. I have become the token single female. My point in this comment is to say THANK YOU for writting this book. It has been an encouragment to me. I became a christian shortly after college and my parents (I'm an only child) are still non-believers and don't understand why I just don't date any type of guy and why do you I have to limit myself by dating a christian. I will re-read this book whenever I need a reminder of why God has me in this place. I also hope to be an encouragement to those around me who are younger and find themselves struggling as they get older and are still single. Your book will be one that I will pass on again and again. Thank you for writing a book that helps me focus on God's plan and not focus on what I think I am missing out on. Thank you for writing this blog and being truthful of the struggles that you go through and how you have/are approaching them and growing.
Allison
Posted by: Allison | January 28, 2009 at 09:35 AM
Carolyn,
I have to say as a 50 something single you and your book 'Did I Kiss...'have been a great inspiration to me. I still have my struggles, but soldier on; still trusting God for that Christian soul mate, but delight in the fact that He has blessed me with wonderful gifts that I use to encourage and also bless others.
God Bless You, Jay.
Posted by: Jay Watson | February 01, 2009 at 05:03 PM
Carolyn,
I can't believe I just stumbled onto your site through a random series of searches and links. I am brand new to you and your background and I've heard very little of your book (which shocks me actually :). I turned 40 a few months ago so I am experiencing that decade turning longing in the most intense way ever. My thirties I was always pretty content and had a great outlook on my singleness and then as 40 approached and I began to wonder about motherhood if God had it for me, let me tell you all my old ways collapsed and I have been broken hearted and hurting for months.
I've walked in a very intimate relationship wtih Jesus for almost 20 years so this process has taken me by surprise. My BFF basically, very gently, confronted me saying it's taking over my life and spilling over into others so I knew I needed to put on the brakes and get on my knees. I've also been on this walk wanting so much affirmation "oh wow how hard this is for you and how do you do it, oh you poor thing"....how selfish I have become.
I have struggled with being able to share my singleness struggle openly with people, like in my small group, because I feel so desperate yet a friend told me the other day (whom i've known for 5 years) that she had no idea I wanted to be married because I seemed to love my life and that I had it all! Then to find out how many others thought the same thing. Boy have I fooled so many people! God gets that glory because He's obviously sustaining me.
Then during the depths of this 40s struggle, my pastor announced that he is starteing a series on Song of Songs....let me tell you what that did in my blood - ha! What about me I thought - oh and all those other singles but more importantly me"??!! He and his wife are dear friends so we talked at length about this. Before this series started on March 1st, I began searching my heart, praying, studying and listening to Mark Driscoll's Peasant Princess series to prepare myself, check myself, etc and in this process I was amazed at my selfishness. So sad to see how I had let go of the cross and turned to myself. I realized that a Pastor's greatest counseling chair is from the pulpit and that the marriages in our church, every church for that matter, need to hear this to fight against our culture and of course I will grow in my knowledge too (but I only think that latter thought on good days). :)
I plan on buying your book - it's no accident that God introduced me to your heart today and for that I'm overjoyed. I have prayed and fasted for weeks and months that God would guide me, sustain me, help me and today He has provided! I love it when our Father responds to us after a long season of waiting. I know I'm rambling - I'm hesistant to read back before I submit for fear of how silly all of this probably sounds but it's straight from my heart.
Yesterday I felt alone...today I don't - thank you Thank you Thank you!
Blessings to you!!
Andrea
Posted by: Andrea | March 20, 2009 at 06:06 PM
Carolyn,
I hear many women talk about singleness and how hard it is for them. It truly feels like an issue of suffering at times. I go through phases myself...
I was wondering if you think that the emphasis the Christian culture puts on marriage, (i.e. when) is what causes it to feel like a deeper suffering than it is?
Do you think it's Satans distraction from contentment and service because we feel we are suffering when it may just be a season?
I just wonder if there is a way to be honest with ourselves that we long for marriage, admit we were not given the gift of celibacy (-:, and still give thanks to God for where He has us?
I haven't read your book, so I apologize if you address all of this. Thanks for your site!
Posted by: Joy Eggerichs | February 05, 2010 at 02:28 PM