Advice for the Set-Up

After I posted a Valentine's Day testimony from my friend, Mandy, I received this email from another reader who was reflecting on what had happened. She wrote:

I was reading your current blog post last night, and I have a question re: Mandy's testimony.

First off, let me just say that it is such a neat and encouraging story of God's faithfulness and goodness. But there was just one detail of the story that prompted some of my own questioning.

Mandy said that her cousin invited her to dinner to meet Randy. This is where my question comes in...what do you think about being set up to meet a person of the opposite sex?

I am 23 and single, and have encountered a few instances where people have wanted to set me up with a guy. I tend to back away from these opportunities because I do not feel like I should play any part in trying to find "the one." Rather, I desire to trust in the sovereignty of God and want to allow Him to work His will in my life.

That being said, I hear instances like Mandy's, where she complied and she ended up marrying this man, so obviously that was God's will for her. Seeing how God can work through situations like hers, it makes me question: should I be more open to being "set up"?

When I responded, I told this woman that she had asked a great question, so I had two more for her:

How would you know that it's *not* God putting you on someone's heart to introduce you to someone else? If you didn't initiate these offers, then why would you think that you are somehow getting in the way of God's sovereignty?

In fact, I would think the complete opposite of you. ;) I think it's perfectly normal--even preferable!--that people are introduced to each other through the relationships they already have. I actually go around encouraging married people to introduce single friends to each other. It's only an introduction--not an engagement. But if the church would help singles meet and marry, we wouldn't have big business rushing in to make money on this need to meet one another.

Be flattered that people think about you and want to introduce you to others that they know and like! It won't always turn into anything, but you never know! And that could be the very means that God uses to bring you to your future husband. At the very least, you would know another brother in Christ and that is blessing in and of itself.

Our correspondence went for another round, in which this woman clarified that she does not mind meeting other singles in a group context; she's just not fond of blind dates. Ah, yes. Well, who is? They are usually exercises in prolonged awkwardness. But she also added that by showing up for a blind date, she felt like she was pursuing a relationship. So I asked her permission to share this on my blog, because I wanted to think about it further.

After some reflection, I'd like to offer a perspective to both the "target" of the set-up and the one(s) doing the matchmaking. First to the matchmakers: Please know the difference between being a busybody with a self-appointed agenda to "fix" every single person and a friend who truly believes God can use you to network on behalf of your single friends. The difference often lies in how much prayer you put into the situation and how discerning you are. Do not force two otherwise-incompatible people to meet simply because they are single, of the opposite gender, and they show up in church occasionally. Please consider mutual interests, energies, temperaments, and shared outlooks. You aren't in charge of creating the spark, but you can at least foster a good friendship--and that means the two being introduced shouldn't have to wonder why you thought they could be friends! 

Okay, now that I've poked some fun there, let me also encourage you not to grow weary of doing good, either. I was quite serious when I told my correspondent that I go around encouraging married couples to consider introducing their single friends to each other! I'm always plugging this at women's events and I urge married women to enlist their husbands in the cause. They are the secret weapon of single women everywhere, for no one can envision a single man for marriage quite like a married man can. In fact, when I was in Ethiopia this past spring, a married man told me he had invited two of the single men to his house for lunch after church because he wanted them to see how much he enjoys his wife and married life. So this is a worldwide cause, my friends!

Some practical tips: Invite your "targets" and some other people to your home or other outing for a group event. Don't tell the woman what you are doing. Just let her be herself. There's no point in stirring up her hopes if the man is not going to initiate. But feel free to tell the man that you've invited a woman he might enjoy meeting. Talk her up a bit, but not too much. Don't make him feel the pressure--just get him thinking about it. Whatever you do, try your hardest not to make everyone revert back to middle school. And avoid the blind date at all cost, unless your "targets" think blind dates are preferable (you should know their opinions here). You are introducing friends, that's all. So keep it chill.

Now to the "targets." Of course, you know that you never have to accept such overtures. However, I would urge all of us to examine our hearts before we respond. What are our motives for accepting or declining? Are we thinking too highly of ourselves and too poorly of others? Are we unwilling to invest a few hours in meeting another person rescued and loved by Christ? Do we have an unyielding expectation of how God should provide a mate for us? And have we possibly contorted the feminine role of joyful response into a lethargic passivity? I paint that with a broad brush, but I do want to caution us from swinging to extremes. When it comes to relationships, we have to show up. And more than show up, we have to be willing to make an investment and participate.

Finally, we have to reserve judgment until we have enough facts to merit a decision. That speaks to both those who jump off the deep end into romantic fantasy before the introduction and those who fear getting hurt and so they reject the introduction. Neither response is grounded in reality. Get the facts. Ask good questions. Go with a smile and an open mind. Remember that it's not just all about you, so seek to be a blessing to the other person.

And never forget that even if you don't spend another moment in this man's presence on this earth, if he is truly a believer in Christ you will be forever with him in heaven. Let the eternal perspective rule your conduct and thoughts now.

Comments

[Lis]

Thank you, Carolyn: this is very helpful! Maybe you'd consider turning it into an article for Boundless?

[Cheryl]

Thank you for your thoughts. My sister-in-law turned down many such invitations over the years until finally she gave in to meeting a man via a mutual friend. She decided "why not?" In God's sovereignty, she (at age 38) and the man married. It is really great to see how God prepared them for each other and made a perfect match.

[Ruth Ellen]

Carolyn,
You are always so insightful! Thanks for doing such a complete job of addressing this subject!
Ruth Ellen

[Talicia Tarver]

I'm usually just a lurker on all blogs, but I liked the advice in this one. I appreciate the caveat given to "fixer-uppers" (for lack of a better title)to understand why they think this man/woman will be ideal for their friend. I am 31 and have had to undergo a series of embarrassing situations, because those who had me in their crosshairs had not taken the time to know me well enough to consider if this man was even "friend" material. As a result, I become frequently ambivalent about meeting men in this venue, and have been tempted to look outside the church for companionship.

There are a lot of reasons for this problem in our secular and ecumenical cultures that have been covered by others much better than I could here. But suffice to say that a great deal of respect for both genders (and for singles in general) has not been maintained. If we are truly trying to love one another as Christ loves us, then a lot of awkward and hurtful situations don't have to arise from any introduction. We should always be ready to meet others in the body...if for no other reason than to see we are not alone (most of the men I was introduced to made it a point to show how put out they were by the introduction).

So in short, I'm glad this blog urges all parties to show a little respect.

-Talicia

[Sam]

DISCLAIMER: this comment is not directed at the mature, Christ centered married people in my life who exercise wisdom, discretion, and discernment. It's more of a reaction to the not so mature, not so wise married people in my life. :)

The point of yours that i liked the most was
"First to the matchmakers: Please know the difference between being a busybody with a self-appointed agenda to "fix" every single person and a friend who truly believes God can use you to network on behalf of your single friends. The difference often lies in how much prayer you put into the situation and how discerning you are."

I am a 35 year old single woman and while I have some really great married people who want my best, I have been profoundly turned off by some others who just want to marry me off rather than truly consider God's will for me. Sometimes, I have felt like it was just a sport for some married people and i was just a gamepiece. I don't want to sound dramatic, but it's kind of like ...
go with me on this... (it's a ridiculous example)
... if you watch American Idol during try outs (are you laughing and rolling your eyes yet?)... the poor singer is standing there (having just put their heart on the table) and the judges are bickering/laughing/fighting/throwing drinks on each other etc. ABOUT the singer, who is standing there afraid and nervous as ever. That singer has to sit and watch while the judges selfishly go on and on and amuse themselves with their shenanigans and not often noticing that, while they're acting like children for their own entertainment, a real person (often afraid and fragile, in the moment) is standing there, alone, exposed and critiqued.
:)
Now, I'm not saying that the matchmakers in my life are like the judges on American Idol (actually, i really hope not! If so, I’d really need to re-evaluate my friend selections), but sometimes, to me, the single person, it can feel like the matchmaker thinks they have a right to insert themselves into the area of my life that may result in a covenant, when I'm not convinced, at all, that they've even sought the LORD about it. (awesome run-on sentence)
It kind of can feel like 'hey, this is my ACTUAL life. It's not a game show or a video game or a sitcom. It's real.'

I try not to be that overly defensive single woman, but when people say to me 'We think you should marry so & so'
(who happens to be a complete stranger to me. uuuh, no pressure for me, eh?),
I just respond by asking (ask, if in an appropriate setting), 'Have you prayed about that on my behalf?'.
they usually haven't. :)
So, i just smile and jokingly say 'well, why don't you do that and if you get a thumbs up from God/Holy Spirit, let me know and we can revisit it."

I guess, in a sense, I'm saying 'don't play with my life'. If you really care, do some of the same investigative steps that YOU would do to make huge/major decisions in YOUR own life. Pretend I'm your son or daughter... before making a recommendation of possibility to your child would you pray, watch, observe, ponder, research, etc?

i know a lot of married/widowed/divorced people mean well, but it can feel very cheap on this end if there's not a sense of true care and thought.

Maybe this comment turned into an on-line
over-share for me :).
So sorry if it did. :)

I guess is comes down to trust, and as the previous comment said, a little respect from all parties. :)

Thanx for all you do!

[Jessica]

Thank you, Carolyn. As a 25 year old single wanting to do things God's way, I have frequently wondered the same thing as the woman who wrote to you. Thank you for addressing this and giving some great perspective. :)

[Audrey]

I am engaged and getting married this month! I wanted to share how we met because we were "set-up" and I obviously think it's a great way to meet people!

First of all, I think it's important to know what you're looking for before being set up. You want the type of guy lined out in 1 Timothy 3: 1-7. I know this outlines an overseer, but what good advice in looking for someone to marry! Obviously, not all apply (like able to teach), but there are some great standards to go by in this passage. So have standards and don't be willing to budge from them!

Second, it's good to have someone who knows you well to set you up. One of my best friends and her husband met a guy while they were at seminary. They became really good friends and eventually my friend started to notice qualities in this man that she knew I wanted in a future husband. She told me about him and I was a little hesitant at first because, hey, that kind of thing can just be awkward. But she continued to bring it up and the more I heard about him and learned through my friend about his character, love for the Lord, etc, I decided to give it a try. They told him to give me a call and a year later here we are...getting married in 1 month!

Thanks for your blog!
Audrey

[Shelley]

I wanted to let you know that I really enjoy keeping up with your blog! It is encouraging :)

Your second to last paragraph was a great reminder. I think it is easy for women who have been hurt in a relationship to just avoid single men, even unwittingly. For some reason there is that assumption that we're psychic and we can only see definite disappointment in the future...ha! what a discouraging outlook! God is wiser than we are and we do not know what He holds for the future. Thanks for the great reminder (not to hide)!

[Melissa Goins]

Thank you, Carolyn! This was an extremely helpful post. For me - I was reminded of the importance of treating all men as brothers in Christ. I was reminded to be more focused on how I am serving them, rather than being focused on my self and my own comfort level. As someone who is always very wary of "set-ups", I have found myself responding with fear when I'm not sure if this is happening. (i.e. "should I go? Are they arranging a set-up of any sort?"). Instead, I want to respond in faith and enjoy getting to know my brothers and sisters in Christ w/out fear! (I'm referring to group contexts). And again, if I'm focused on serving those around me, suddenly my preoccupation with determining if things are awkward suddenly disappears! Oh to honor Christ during these times!

And to my married friends - I thought it was such a helpful reminder!! Particularly in encouraging married men to give single men the vision for a Godly marriage.

Thank you, Carolyn!! I've forwarded this article to many friends!

[Jennifer]

Thank you for posting this. I have been set up on 2 blind dates in the past - and while the first one was a disaster (he joked twice with police that we weren't drunk yet), the second one, though nothing has come of it, restored my faith that there are godly men out there. At 35 God has brought me to a place where I am happily and thankfully content to be single - not that I don't want to be married one day - but I am content with not being married. I love that my married family and friends are "on the lookout" and often tell them that I want them to be. I have often told my pastor and elders that they should be looking out for the singles as well... since they have a wide range of groups and friends that they come in contact with. I understand what your reader meant by saying that she doesn't want to instigate anything - I agree wholeheartedly (which is why I'll give my phone number but not take his). There is a sweetness in being pursued that I think is often missed out on.
Thank you for your faithful words of wisdom and guidence and encouragement.
Jennifer

[Saralyn]

I was "matched" 15 years ago this month by my roommate's father to the young man he was mentoring. I'll admit, I was not too excited about the idea when it was first posed and even put off the meeting for weeks. But having someone who knew and loved us both and who understood our personalities and commitment to the Lord made the dating process so much easier. It was sort of like being pre-approved for a loan, I knew he was a good man; I just needed to learn if he was the one for me. My roommate’s entire family went with us on our blind date to Moody Bible Institute’s Founder’s Week Conference, and twenty-two months later the “matchmaker” officiated at our wedding ceremony. I will be forever grateful that someone meddled in my affairs and introduced me to my extraordinary husband!

[Lydia]

Great article, Carolyn. An introduction set up by mutual friends is one of the best ways for singles to meet prospective mates. Not only is there a measure of built-in accountability, but the personal element is there in a way no on-line personality profile can provide. Certainly God is sovereign over who marries, but he uses means, of course, and match-making by wise friends is a great way to go about it.

[Cathy]

Excellent! I wish I had the nerve to send this to all my married friends who don't think twice before suggesting set up's. Thank you, Carolyn!

[emsolideogloria]

Very good post and comments. I would love it if my married friends would bother to set me up BUT I'd have to echo the comments on this: it's better if they are friends who know me well. I know what I want and I'd rather be single than settle for less.

I was actually just reflecting on my way home that I've only met a few men who were both single, politically conservative, doctrinally sound believers, respectful, responsible and capable of engaging me intellectually (something of a prerequisite for attraction on my end).

I'm not even sure my married friends would know someone remotely right for me (since I don't) but I do like people generally and I'm never adverse meeting someone new. I think I'd feel safer being set up by trusted friends than just meeting someone on my own.

I'm not shy and don't feel like I need to be a fly on the wall until my prince sweeps me off my feet. I can take the initiative in conversation, meetings and so forth and am not interested in a guy who can't handle that. But, I'm traditional enough that I want him to ask me out, make the first phone call, etc. I want him to think I'm worth that! :-)

[Sarah]

Thank you so much for this! I had read it before, but it did not so much apply at the time. Finding myself in such a situation this week, I knew I could dig up something encouraging on your blog that applied and here it was...just what I needed. Renewing my mind with the truth that the eternal perspective needs to rule my life in the here and now. However things pan out, I know it will not have been wasted, thanks to these reminders.