Just Put a Ring on It

There's a billboard I see occasionally on my regional road-trips. A woman is holding up one finger, which is in focus, and her face is unfocused in the background. It looks vulgar--until you realize she's holding up her ring finger. The ad is for a jewelry company, I believe. The image is memorable, but like many ads, the sponsor is often easily forgotten. But I was reminded of this pro-marriage message as I read an article yesterday in The Washington Post by author and sociology professor Mark Regnerus titled, "Say Yes. What Are You Waiting For?" Here's an excerpt that challenges some of our current thinking:

In my research on young adults' romantic relationships, many women report feeling peer pressure to avoid giving serious thought to marriage until they're at least in their late 20s. If you're seeking a mate in college, you're considered a pariah, someone after her "MRS degree." Actively considering marriage when you're 20 or 21 seems so sappy, so unsexy, so anachronistic. Those who do fear to admit it -- it's that scandalous.

How did we get here? The fault lies less with indecisive young people than it does with us, their parents. Our own ideas about marriage changed as we climbed toward career success. Many of us got our MBAs, JDs, MDs and PhDs. Now we advise our children to complete their education before even contemplating marriage, to launch their careers and become financially independent. We caution that depending on another person is weak and fragile. We don't want them to rush into a relationship. We won't help you with college tuition anymore, we threaten. Don't repeat our mistakes, we warn. ... 

But our children now sense that marrying young may be not simply foolish but also wrong and socially harmful. And yet today, as ever, marriage wisely entered into remains good for the economy and the community, good for one's personal well-being, good for wealth creation and, yes, good for the environment, too. We are sending mixed messages. ...

Of course, there's at least one good statistical reason to urge people to wait on the wedding. Getting married at a young age remains the No. 1 predictor of divorce. So why on earth would I want to promote such a disastrous idea? For three good reasons:

First, what is considered "early marriage" by social scientists is commonly misunderstood by the public. The best evaluations of early marriage -- conducted by researchers at the University of Texas and Penn State University -- note that the age-divorce link is most prominent among teenagers (those who marry before age 20). Marriages that begin at age 20, 21 or 22 are not nearly so likely to end in divorce as many presume.

Second, good social science pays attention to gender differences. Most young women are mature enough to handle marriage. According to data from the government's National Survey of Family Growth, women who marry at 18 have a better shot at making a marriage work than men who marry at 21. There is wisdom in having an age gap between spouses. For women, age is (unfortunately) a debit, decreasing fertility. For men, age can be a credit, increasing their access to resources and improving their maturity, thus making them more attractive to women. We may all dislike this scenario, but we can't will it away.

Third, the age at which a person marries never actually causes a divorce. Rather, a young age at marriage can be an indicator of an underlying immaturity and impatience with marital challenges -- the kind that many of us eventually figure out how to avoid or to solve without parting. Unfortunately, well-educated people resist this, convinced that there actually is a recipe for guaranteed marital success that goes something like this: Add a postgraduate education to a college degree, toss in a visible amount of career success and a healthy helping of wealth, let simmer in a pan of sexual variety for several years, allow to cool and settle, then serve. Presto: a marriage with math on its side.

There's much more in this piece, so I encourage you to read the rest of it on the Post's website. It's a piece about trends, so please don't be tempted to despair if you (or someone you love) are no longer twenty-something and still hoping for marriage. I posted this because I think it's good that we as a society rethink the value of marriage and reconsider the benefits of this God-ordained institution. But on a personal level, I want to encourage you because I have seen many answers to prayer lately among women who surveyed their circumstances and felt somehow they possibly might not get married. Fortunately, they serve a mighty God who is still answering prayers--even the faint-hearted, half-hoping, half-doubting prayers of those with a hope deferred. To Him belongs all the glory!

Comments

[sarah]

Interesting, especially as I've been thinking on this subject a bit lately. I'm on my way out of my early twenties as I approach my 24th birthday, but never saw an early marriage as something to despised if it had been a part of God's plan for me. I did tend to be one of those who was half-embarrassed of that desire because it seemed so unacceptable in our culture. I've since learned otherwise that my desire for marriage is from the Lord and nothing to be ashamed of. That aside, my thoughts lately have been on how few people around me really seem ready for marriage at these young ages. I know no one is ever 'ready' in the fullest sense of the word, but it seems there are so few even headed in that direction. Any thoughts?

[Hannah]

As my fiance and I, both 21 and college seniors, prepare for our wedding in August, we've heard all the reasons to wait, usually coming from my parents and often multiple times a week. Thank you so much for including the Regnerus excerpt and reminding me that we aren't doomed for failure.

[Leslie]

Thanks for sharing about the recent answered prayers of the women who weren't quite sure that marriage was in their futures. A very timely encouragement!

[Jennifer Wilson]

My husband and I married young - I was 20 and he was 24. I still had 1 year left in college (granted, I went to Bible college aka "Bridal College" and most everyone there was also getting married). And now we're 24 & 27 and have NO REGRETS about getting married when we did! We learned how to live on a budget, and thus, how to honor God with our stewardship and didn't have to fight sexual temptation for as long. Plus, we have the best shot at living to see a 50 years or more anniversary! Many Christians have no biblical reason for waiting to marry, rather, it's the pressure of society that most fear. So silly to cower to fear of man. :)

[KS]

I just finished reading Just Do Something: A Liberating Approach to Finding God's Will by Kevin DeYoung. While he acknowledges that "singleness is not a disease in need of a cure," DeYoung urges people to make a decision and marry, and he discusses the problems arising from delayed marriage. Great book!

[anne]

My husband and I were both 21 when we were married. Both still in school, and broke as jokes it was not always easy.
Sometimes in the course of the first few years I felt like I was "missing out" becuase I had already "settled down".
Now approaching 30 and celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary this year it is amazing to me the work God has done in our lives.
As we grow older we get set in our ways, ways we like to do things, things we like and dislike and when you get married (no matter when you do) you have to learn to adjust to one another. As we are older I think it is harder to adjust.
NOT to say that getting marriage at an older age would NEVER work, but I agree with you...Why has getting married young {besides parental concerns} become so socialy wrong and harmful?
I read the rest of the Post article, it is very intersting, but I'm with you, it is about time that we as a society re-evaluated the VALUE of marriage.

[Rachel]

My boyfriend and I have been dating almost two years now, but have known each other much longer. He is 20 and I am 19.
I find my desire to get married is much stronger than his, which is very frustrating. He tends to be one of those who wants to "wait until he's out of school and has a solid career" type couples. But I know I would be happier being poor college students and being married! I know God has a plan for me while I'm learning to be patient and wait, but it is very frustrating. I guess men are generally not ready for marriage until a later age, but I fully agree it has to do with the culture and the way it is frowned upon.

[lewsta]

Glad to see someone in the public arena coming out in FAVOUR of marriage as an institution, and railing against some of the cultural "whiz-dumb" that has ruled for far too long. His point about the differing rates of maturation between young men and women is telling---and SHOULD speak strongly against our prevalent age-segregated society. This is part of why so many do marry at twenty or so who are not ready. They've ONLY been exposed to those of their own age, so who else do they know who is "in the pool" of eligibity?
I have known women as young as fifteen who are fully mature enough to marry, knowing full well what that entails. I've known others in their forties who are no more ready to marry than the typical twelve year old in the government schools. AGE per se is NOT an indicator. Maturity and a right understanding of who one is in God is what matters. Whence cometh this? From PARENTS who have taken seriously their responsibility to TEACH their children, at all times, the whole counsel of God. I've a GreatGrandmother who married at fifteen, he was twenty five. We also have a photograph of her with GreatGranddad taken on their seventieth anniversary, still madly in love. What has changed, that we don't see either of these any more? And has it really been change for the better? I rather think not.......

[M.]

Newer research shows that the fertility of men declines with age, too, as does the quality of sperm. 35 is thought to be a cutoff age of sorts for men, too. The older the father, the higher the risk of his children's being autistic, schizophrenic, or having Down's syndrome. Carolyn should have mentioned this in her post, although she may have been unaware of this research. Let's stop putting the onus of fertility and aging solely on women. Men have just as much to gain as women by marrying and fathering children young.

[Sarah]

Thank you for this, I belive strongly in young marriage, I will be going away to bible college in the fall, and people just keep telling me "watch out for chrisian ring by spring!!" and "beware of Bridal Bible College" My thought is, If the Lord brings me my prince charming while I am a freshman, sophmore or Jr, I will unashamedly marry him. You just get more married years together, there really is no downside.... Thank you so much!!!

[Carolyn McCulley]

Yes, fertility is an issue with both men and women, which the Post article mentions but I didn't excerpt. Thanks, everyone, for your feedback!

[Sarah]

So much can change in a decade. When I was in college (10 years ago) I was the odd one. I was NOT getting married straight after graduation. Over the course of three years (beginning at age 19) I had accumulated 9 brides maids dresses (and all the accessories to go with them). Some women even bragged about the fact that they were at college to get their MRS degree. And I went to a state school, not private! There was an inherent pressure as a senior in college to get engaged then. My how times have changed.