You’ve Got Lies: Chick Flicks and the World’s Approach to Men and Marriage

Beth Spraul at Capitol Hill Baptist Church has written an intriguing analysis of the effect of chick flicks on our thinking. Like me, she is an avid Jane Austen fan, but she has raised some good points about what unguarded consumption of romantic comedies of any era could have on our hearts and minds. In her analysis, she identifies and talks about three subtle lies that can creep into these movies:

• Lie #1: Men think of romance and relational intimacy exactly like women do! 
• Lie #2: If I marry the right man, all will be right in my life.    
• Lie #3: I will know that a man is right for me by feelings I get when I’m with him.   

To be sure, neither Beth nor I are saying don't watch these films. What we're saying is watch with discernment. And watch knowing what is being sold to you because it can have an effect on how you respond to the real life men who try to initiate relationships. Here's how it affected Beth (and I appreciate her candor):

Ladies, beware of elevating worldly “preferences” and expectations above godly qualities when considering a man. Doing so makes you guilty of the same error that men in the church can make when they elevate physical appearance above biblical character qualities in us. Let us flee from holding on to Hollywood programmed ideals and instead look to God’s word for our criteria. Let us stop asking the wrong questions when considering a man, such as: Is he a good dresser? Do others find him attractive? Did I get the “feeling” I always thought I would get when my future husband would ask me out? And, is he romantic? Instead, start asking the right questions: Can he lead me spiritually? Do I see examples of him serving others? Is he humble and teachable? And, do the elders and other godly men commend him?

When my husband of now nearly six years asked me to begin a courtship with him back in the summer of 2002, I was shocked and caught off guard. I was only living in DC for a summer to do my counseling internship, and I didn’t feel like I knew him well enough to say “yes” when he asked. To top it off, my first instinct was to say a polite, “no thank you,” because he was not at first glance what I “imagined” my future husband to be. For those of you who knew Greg back then (can I get a witness, Michael Lawrence?!), he had a very laid-back type of “California-surfer” style to him—one that I interpreted at the time to translate...“slacker.” He had a bold, confident, and outspoken personality, which I interpreted to mean...“arrogant.” I knew we had different interests and tastes. He was a crunchy, outdoorsy environmentalist, and I’ve never been camping in my life!  

However, when he asked me to court him, he encouraged me to talk to three elders who knew him best—one who had discipled him for several years. He told me to feel free to ask them any questions I wanted about his character. I was so impressed that he was willing to open himself up to such scrutiny, allowing these men to speak to me about his strengths and weaknesses so openly. I was interested to hear from these men, instead of having to go on my own limited knowledge. I hoped to base my answer on his character confirmed by others, not on my mere feelings or instinct at the time. 

I spent the next several days prayerfully considering his offer. My instinct was to say “no.” He was simply not who I had “imagined” and it didn’t “feel” like a good fit. Yet, through the wise counsel of my dad and older brother, Scott, I met with all three elders separately. I was completely shocked by what they had to say about Greg’s character. They spoke of his humility, how teachable he was, his sacrificial service, his strong, natural leadership ability, his passion for God’s Word and his organized, disciplined work ethic—so much for the arrogant slacker idea! I soon realized that my brief, external evaluation of him was not at all accurate, and that I would actually be crazy to say “no” to the kind of godly man these elders were describing to me. They were describing by their words the kind of man I did want to marry, even if he did dress like he was from a California beach town! One elder said to me, “I’d let my daughter marry him.” Another said, “I’d let my younger sister marry him.” I had a decision to make. 

You can read the whole article on Capitol Hill Baptist's website.

(Photo: The marriage scene from the A&E version of Pride and Prejudice.)

Comments

[Sandra]

Spot on! This is so true, we get bombarded by these romantic comedy shows on tv or in the movies and sometimes are not even aware of the influence it plays in shaping our perceptions about real life relationships. One of the points in Joshua Harris's I kissed dating goodbye that I won't easily forget is exactly about guarding yourself against these sometimes unrealistic romantic movies. Although I am as much a movie lover as the next person it's important to remind myself and my other girl friends now and again that what we see on that big screen is after all just entertainment. Thanks for another great and insightful post!

[Roger]

Lie #3: I will know that a man is right for me by feelings I get when I’m with him

You are very right on this. As a single 44 year old single man, I seen too many cases of people taking life lessons from Hollywood. Men do this too of course, but women seems to be more ready to trust their "instincts" to a unwarranted extent when it comes relationships

[JaneSLP]

Great post. We could go on and on about the lies presented to us in movies--for example, in Castaway (not even a chick flick!) Chuck's fiance marries another man while Chuck is marrooned on an island. When Chuck is finally rescued, he comes back expecting that she's waited for him...but she hasn't! Sadly enough, I found myself almost wanting to see Chuck and his former fiance run off together, even though she is married! Ahhhhhh!

Or Everybody Loves Raymond--that show is hilarious, but let's be honest, watching Debra cope with stereotypically stupid and insensitive Ray sometimes even makes me feel a bit more grumpy towards my husband! These days, I just steer clear...why surround myself with negativity and hostility?

[kristi]

I can identify! I confess that I stopped watching "chick flicks" when I was single, because I really struggled with untrue thoughts every time I watched one - it just wasn't worth it.

[Sarah A]

Thanks so much for this post. And I agree that chick flicks do taint our minds insidiously (about marriage, men, romance etc). As a romantic-comedy-fanatic it is hard to admit this fact, but it is very true.

[Kari]

Yes yes!! In watching these movies with my older girls we have been pointing out lie #1 over and over. But we might add...in the modern chich flick the #4 lie is...I will sleep with him and he will not be able to resist falling in love with me. (tied to #1, that men see things the way that women do.)
This does not happen in real life.
Thanks for the post.