Crush Catalyst

Will and Anna are my friends. Those are not their real names because of client confidentiality — but close enough. They've been married four years now and have two children. As a former client, Will owes me his firstborn, but I have not, to date, swooped in to collect.

My "client consultations" (always, I should note, stated with air quotes) started in a roundabout way. Five years ago, I published a book for single women and started on the speaking circuit. Soon I added a blog for women. It didn't take long before I realized that I could definitely do a lot more for single women if I also found a way to encourage single men to pursue them. I didn't have to think about this very long, however — eventually a number of the younger single men I knew started to come to me for feminine advice. They nicknamed themselves the "clients" and my adjunct ministry was off and running.

(Full disclosure: This was not a formal, teaching ministry. This was a lend-me-your-sympathetic-ear-and-tell-me-what-she-means ministry. In other words, I became a walking advice columnist and cheerleader for my brothers in Christ.)

My advice to clients consisted of three key pieces of counsel:

1. Men trust God by risking rejection while women trust God by waiting on men
2. Don't allow the passivity of our culture to shape your masculinity
3. Initiate communication and clarify your intentions early on

But why just hand out advice when you can also be a Crush Catalyst? That's my professional, po-mo title for the old-school term, "matchmaker." See, in this litigious world, I can't guarantee any outcomes. Who knows from whence comes the spark for a match? Ah, but I definitely can create context where I might become a catalyst for change.

This brings me back to Will. He had a bad crush on Anna. Every time she laughed, he melted. He loved her laugh. But he had a hard time figuring out how to get to know her better. So I, the Crush Catalyst, volunteered to throw a birthday dinner party for him — and invite her, of course.

The fact that I didn't know Anna very well didn't matter. I rounded up her girlfriends and some other randomly connected people and shoehorned 17 people in my house for dinner. I asked one of the guys to lead a time of honoring Will, during which we went around the table and said complimentary things about Will. (Building up the rep is a crucial part of the Crush Catalyst's job.)

When Anna's turn came, Will began to breathe very loudly. I thought no one else noticed how his heart raced when Anna spoke to him, but two of our mutual friends cornered me in the kitchen afterward and demanded to know if this was a set-up dinner party.

"Why would you ever think that?" I asked, all innocence.

"For one, it's one of the most random collections of people I've ever seen at a dinner party," said one of my friends with a knowing laugh. "Plus I couldn't help but notice how Will reacted when Anna was speaking."

Busted! But for a good cause. I went to their wedding nine months later.

These days, I don't have many clients left. Nearly all are married, and the remaining few are in serious relationships. So now I must franchise.

I've made it my personal mission to go around encouraging married people to introduce their single friends to each other. (Singles can do this, too — obviously — but I've noticed a far greater success rate when the married man has a timely suggestion for the single man!) My motto is: "It's only an introduction, people!"

I'm being serious here. If the church would help singles meet and marry, we wouldn't have big business rushing in to profit off of our desire to meet one another.

So, here's my advice to future Crush Catalysts.

(Read the rest of "Crush Catalyst" and get tips for fellow singletons on Boundless.org. Married? This is DEFINITELY an article for you. Get on over there to Boundless to find out how you can help...)

Comments

[Naomi]

I LOVED this article. Insightful and so funny!! Especially humorous to me because I just returned from a weekend trip with the Young Adults group from my church. Somehow, one of the many conversations about relationships turned into a bet. Yes, a BET. The guys, including my brother (all seriously other Godly young women) decided to make it their mission to find me a husband. I'm certainly not arguing with that! ;) The humor continued and now the bet is as such, I must pay $50 to the person who introduces me to the man I marry!!... I figure, if it takes a lighthearted bet to remind people to make introductions among fellow believers (for the purpose of marriage!), I am cool with that!

[Karen]

Great post, Carolyn! My husband and I are having two single friends over in September to meet each other. We've tried before with this particular guy and another woman, but that didn't pan out. But we're definitely open to being available for this ministry whenever the Lord seems to open a door for it. My husband and I are still thankful for the mutual friend who helps us to get together near six years ago.

[Michelle]

I love your idea!!! My husband and I were "set up" under similar circumstances by some seminary friends. We had been discussing the role of the Christian community in matchmaking and agreed that it just made better sense to introduce people we thought would be good matches than to leave it with a more "hands off" approach and end up counseling folks who were in bad relationships later. Admittedly, they were not the greatest of "crush catalysts", but my husband and I were married 2 yrs after they introduced us :)

[Elisabeth]

I greatly enjoyed and appreciated your article on Boundless today. It's a great idea that I wish someone would try on me! :) But in all seriousness, I think it's a privilege to be able to, as a single woman, encourage and help move my friends and siblings along toward marriage, whether it is introducing them to other singles or supporting them in the relationships they are already in. Thanks for the good reminder.

[Sandra]

Great post as always Caroline! I love reading about your way of approaching things - great food for thought and encouragement for all singles

[Aurora]

Carolyn, thanks so much for this thoughtful and challenging article! Nothing is as serious as those things said in jest and you've nailed perfectly here by infusing humor into a serious call to action. I had a conversation with a married friend a week ago about the single men in my church and their general bent toward being passive. One single gentleman in particular came up in our conversation. He serves with my friend's husband and is one of the kindest souls you'll ever meet. He wants very much to be married but to my knowledge, hasn't dated anyone in the recent past. My friend and her husband were pulling into the parking lot at church one Sunday and observed this brother directing cars (he's a very faithful usher, serving wherever needed). Her husband asked, "Don't you know anyone you can introduce him to?" She snapped back, "Do I know anyone? He better get busy and start asking some of the ladies around here out on dates!" While I agreed with her that this sweet man needed to be a bit more "aggressive" in his pursuit, I couldn't resist gently asking her if perhaps she did know someone that might be nice for him to meet and if she did, why wouldn't she make an effort to help make an introduction or a match, much in the way you described. "What would be the harm?" I asked. She thoughtfully said, "Well, I guess I could..." The conversation revealed that for some marrieds (and many singles, I suspect), the idea of helping single people connect never occurs to them. I'm an older single so most of my friends are married. In the 12 years I've attended my church, no one has ever attempted to "match me up" -- kind of sad when I think about it. But, Carolyn, your article is a challenge to me because I don't know that I've ever made the effort on behalf of another. I have to admit, I admire you so much for serving singles like yourself in this way when I would guess it would be very nice for someone to serve you by being a "crush catlyst" on your behalf. I'm going to take a page from your book, set fear aside, and look/pray for an opportunity to support singles in this way. Thanks again for bringing this challenge!

[Jennifer]

I totally agree! If your church 'family' isn't going to help set you up, who will? I just went on a blind date and though nothing will come of it, I was glad that after 5 years of hearing about this fellow that we actually got to meet! There is nothing worse than hearing "Oh I know someone"... I always wonder what I'm supposed to do with that as I'm not going to take the first step in calling them. Or the other great one is when someone new (and apparently single) comes to church and EVERYONE comes to tell me that there is a single man there. What am I supposed to do? Through myself at his feet till he agrees to marry me? (I said this to someone once and she was taken aback... she was the 5th person that night to tell me that a stranger was single). I think it is great for pastors - who know more people - to get involved too. Who better to look after the important issues? Keep up the good work!

[Jackie]

Thanks for the great article, Carolyn! True. I wish more married people would read this and put it into practice rather than always asking, "No boys chasing you yet?"

[Jakeb Brasee]

Whoa, I just stumbled across this blog today AFTER reading the article on Boundless...for a second I was thinking "Hey this blog is stealing things from Boundless!!! >_<"

and then I realized "oh wait..."

=P

[Tanya]

Is there ever a time when we should "give up hope" as singles and just relegate to the fact that God may have something different in store? I used to think that was at 25 (how young!), then 30, then 35, then 40....Now I'm not sure.

[Jennifer]

Loved this post... so funny and true.