Drunk: The New Female Tenderness?

So I'm watching the latest romantic comedy when I sense it coming. "Oh, no, here comes the drunk scene," I groan aloud. 

Everyone else in the room looks at me, question marks popping up over their heads. 

"Watch," I say, gesturing toward the TV. "This is the turning point in their relationship. She gets drunk. He has to care for her. She has to stop being her pugnacious self and dial down her obnoxious-meter. She finally receives some protection and leadership from him, and his ability to see her in a tender way changes their relationship dynamic."

Ten seconds later, the script plays out in the predicted manner. And I want to pull my hair out of my head! Why is this the required plot point in 99 out of a 100 romantic comedies?!

My answer? Because Hollywood has no other device to help young women receive the care and leadership of men--other than to have them get falling-down drunk. Until that point, every female rom-com character is outspoken, in-your-face, quirky, and reeking of insecurities that are propped up by a brittle facade of self-confidence. She spars with her love interest because she has not been taught to make room for him in her life, to live inter-dependently, rather than merely independently. And that independence is a sham, anyway, as the drunk scene inevitably reveals. She needs the help of others, but she is too proud to admit it. And that's when his care comes along. He tames her, so to speak, in her drunkennness. She stops fighting him and learns to trust him, but only after she has been humbled by being out of control herself. 

Once the drunk scene is out of the way, the scriptwriters now have a reason for the male and female lead characters to work together, to trust each other, and to have some mutual care for each other. It is sad that women are being told over and over again that 1) this kind of trust and tenderness can only come about by losing self-control, and 2) that alcohol is a female problem (I never see the men getting drunk in these movies anymore). 

My recommendation is that when you watch these movies, point out this contradiction to those watching with you--especially if they are young men and women. Our culture doesn't have a framework for masculine benevolence anymore, which is sad. It seems the only way to showcase that quality is for someone to be so obviously helpless, as in a drunk scene, and then it's okay for a man to exert protective qualities. As for young women, help them to understand that feminine tenderness and receptivity is a good thing, that men today are still looking for that quality, and that you don't have to get drunk to find it.

Comments

[i.e.]

Very good point.
I hadn't been observant enough to notice that, but it is true.
I absolutely loved:
"she has not been taught to make room for him in her life, to live inter-dependently, rather than merely independently"
This is so true and something I battle with personally.

[Elizabeth]

Wow, this is so true! Thanks for pointing it out!

[Susan H.]

I've noticed this trend in movies as well, and what always strikes me is that this isn't the way real women--at least, not the women I know--behave. Women know that being drunk and out of control is unattractive. And most women know (I hope!) that being drunk when you're alone with a man you don't know well is downright unwise.

[Asheigh]

Great post. And very true.

[ValleyGirl]

VERY good point. I've noticed that in movie after movie, but never really thought about the deeper issues and ideologies behind it. Thanks for drawing our attention deeper!

[Joe Miller]

I have been following your blog some time from my blog, More Than Cake. I enjoy your posts. I also have to say that this is a really insightful point that I have never thought about before. Thank you for sharing this insight from a woman's perspective.

[solofide.blogspot.com]

Awesome! I had never thought about it this way, but you're right on. And I was also thinking about how this is kind of true, but on a different level, of our submission to God. Sometimes it seems like I have to be completely humbled, made aware of my helplessness, and taught how completely out of control I am of my own success or ability before I can *really* trust the Lord. Yes, it's sad (especially because it's so painfully true).
The fact that Hollywood glorifies drunkeness or somehow seems to justify it or make it seem good is extremely tragic. And the fact that it often takens extreme measures to keep my faith childlike and humble is also very sad.

Praise the Lord that we have a gracious and humble God who forgives our rebellion thru the blood of our savior Jesus Christ's life, death and resurrection!

Thanks Carolyn!!

[Vanessa]

I have noticed through my school and work experiences that drunkenness is now socially acceptable among your typical middle-class, middle-aged, married, employed women. Most non-Christian women (and many women who call themselves Christians and are regular church-goers) that I know go to bars regularly and don't see anything wrong with getting drunk once in a while. The church seems to be blissfully unaware of this cultural shift. Many Christians think I am exaggerating when I tell them about my workplace experiences. I am somewhat at a loss about how to communicate to other Christians the seriousness of this growing problem.

[Misha Seger]

Amen to that!

[Laura Anderson]

Wow, I had never realized this before but as soon as you said it, a dozen movies sprang to mind. Thanks for pointing this out and delving deeper into the ramifications!

[Silvana]

Fascinating post. I've never seen your blog before. I'd like to see more exploration of the difference between dependence, independence, and inter-dependence in the context of male-female relationships. Valuable distinction to make, I think.

[Emily]

I've never thought about this, but you are so right. Drunkenness is becoming a larger and larger problem in our society, and dangerous drinking habits have been on the rise among young people ESPECIALLY among young women. Everyone's asking why, but speaking from experience - I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that women still want to ACT feminine. We still want to be taken care of, supported, etc. But in our culture, that's not completely acceptable. We're supposed to be headstrong, independent women. And while there's nothing wrong with being able to support yourself, being unable to be supported by somebody else is.

And this is kind of a tangent, but if the Church wants women to get back into their proper gender role and start acting like women again, they're going to have to step up and take care of us. I have problems with acting feminine because no male figure in my life bothered to step up and care and protect me. Because of this, I was abused and hurt by men throughout my life, and I had to learn to defend and protect myself. And I have been involved in a church and lived with my father my whole life.

[Delina]

Incredible insights. Thank you!

[Marshall Jones Jr.]

Another "I'd never thought of it like that" comment here. Thanks for posting that. Just over the past two or three days, I've been reconsidering some of the male/female stereotypes and such that we've created. This is a good (?) one to add to the list.

I'm not sure which is worse... that women won't accept male leadership unless they're drunk or that men won't provide leadership except for drunk women. Perhaps a bit of both.

It's a spiral, one leading to the other leading back to the other and so on and so on.

Marshall Jones Jr.

[Rachel Gray]

That's a great point!

I saw a variation on the drunk scene in You've Got Mail, when Meg Ryan simply got very sleepy and Tom Hanks put her to bed. I thought it was a weird scene and would be creepy in real life. Now I realize it's in there so Meg can be vulnerable and Tom can be caring. Her character was too independent otherwise.

[Althea LeBlanc]

In the real world, when a woman has to get drunk in order for a man to feel like he is needed and should lead her, it's called co-dependence. It's a sickness, where the sober one is actually enabling the alcoholic so that he/she can fix everything and be needed.

"When a Man Loves a Woman" with Meg Ryan is a good example of this.