What If I Can't Have Children?

This week, the True Woman blog featured a post about infertility and how to live with that unfulfilled longing to be a mother. It is a useful article for anyone who has been disappointed in life. Here's an excerpt:

Infertility can be a lonely place—I know. I've walked that road, too. I've had my times of sobbing in private after a friend tells me she's expecting. Ranting at God it's unfair that I can't have a child when there are all sorts of people who don't even care about Him who seem to have no problem at all. Those painful Mother's Day church services as I watched all the beaming mothers stand up around me and knew it was a club I was not a member of.

But I'm not writing this post to tell you how painful infertility can be. You already know that. Instead, I want to share some ways to cope and ways God used this suffering in my life to shape and mold me into the woman He wants me to be.

The article then goes on to point out four things to do in the midst of infertility to make sure you don't also become barren spiritually. You can read the rest of the post on the True Woman blog.

Comments

[Amy]

I happened across this post by accident but we have the same issue. I've found that being of service to others is the only way I've gotten out of the deep pit of despair. Right now we're raising money for St. Jude Children's Research Hospial's 5k Give thanks. Walk. We may not have kids of our own but we can help others who do and need the help.

[Terry]

As my wife and I went through infertiliy and the adoption process, we struggled.

One day, while reading Hosea, I saw something important about Hosea's life that made a difference in our approach to being childless. His life became an illustration of how much God loves his people. Just as Hosea went through incredible emotional stress in order to show his love to his wife, God went through incredible difficulties to show his love to his people. We came to understand our lives as an illustration of God's desire to add children to his family. As much as we wanted a child, God wants children to be added to his family even more.

When we began to see our struggles as something that illustrated God's love for others, we were able to deal with it in a better way. Seeing our lives as a part of what God was doing in the world gave us the strength to keep going. We could deal with disappointments better when we saw them as honoring our Savior.

[Lisa]

I just wish that the women who can't have children wouldn't feel so bad about themselves. I was lucky. I had good genes and was able to bear a child at 40. I'm nowhere near the good Christian that so many of the women struggling with infertility seem to be, yet I'm a mother. So it is not about who deserves it and who doesn't. For about six months, after I miscarried my first pregnancy, I stared infertility in the face. But, I can honestly say that during this time, I did not envy or feel any anger or bitterness toward women who were pregnant or women who had children. I felt joy in my heart when I would see pregnant women. I felt like, "Well, at least someone is getting lucky." I decided that God did not owe me a baby. That's not to say I didn't want one, but earlier in my life I had been very bitter about having to endure protracted singleness, and I was determined that I was not going to spend the last half of my life feeling bitter about not having children. I had had my fill of anger and bitterness towards God before I got married, and did not want to go down that road again. Yes, I believe God is responsible for my baby, but both my Mom and my Great grandmother had children at 40 and 39, so good genes also played a part.

[Beth Wendling]

Secondary infertility (the inability to have more biological children after having one) is also painful and rarely talked about by anyone. Maybe people believe we should just be thankful for having the one. I easily got pregnant with my son Jonathan 6 months after my husband and I married, but we have had two miscarriages since then and our doctor believes that I won't be able to have another child go full-term.

I am so thankful to God for Jonathan, but my heart does ache for another.

[KK]

Secondary infertility I am sure is very hard but it isn't the same as for those of us who never have children whether biologically or by adoption. I find it strange because most infertility articles and discussions are usually about couples who either have a child and never conceive again or those who take years and then they finally conceive. I believe that was the case with the article and blog on True Women. I have found very little on some like us though I know there are many of us out there.

[Jen]

I think there's always someone who could say, "Why aren't you happy? I've got it worse than you." But everybody who's in emotional pain needs to have that pain validated. It's real pain! There's no "shoulds" about how you "should" feel.

And I say this being guilty of the very thing I describe above. Lisa, your post is very helpful to me today. I am honestly feeling bitter about being single. I pray to God that I don't turn into a bitter woman!! But when I hear about upset infertile women, I tend to think, "Well, at least you have a husband!" (God forgive me for these harsh thoughts)

[B bouchard]

Being single and being infertile are completely different things. I unfortunately am infertile and have a wonderful husband. But it's like a slap in the face when peole ask when you are going to start having babies. I get upset when I see people that aren't grateful for their children and the women that kill their babies becuase they don't want them. I pray for patience and the ability to handle this but it is a very hard life to live.