Q&A: Women, Family, and Ministry

I am resuming the periodic Q&A topics from blog readers. Today's question is from a college student who became a Christian in her sophomore year.

Q: Many of the college students who attend my church are encouraged to stay after graduation to continue developing relationships that we've formed here over the past four years.  I am the only Christian in my family and I am struggling between making a decision to stay here or to go home in hopes of serving my family and building a better relationship with my parents and younger sibling.  

Something that I am taking into consideration while making this decision is each Christian's role as a minister.  At my church we are taught that second to our identity as a child of God is our role as a minister to those who don't know the gospel.  As a result, our church regularly sends members of our congregation on short term missions trips and many of our couples' children attend daycare 5 days a week so that their parents (moms in particular) can be freed up to work at church and to minister to college students in the evenings.  I know this is contradictory to the way many other churches have modeled family ministry as a priority, and in particular, the woman's role primarily as a wife and mother. At my church we are taught that time spent with family is a good and reasonable desire, but not at the expense of neglecting our responsibilities to bring the gospel to the unreached on college campuses in the area, as well as unreached nations abroad.  In other words, for women to make family a priority, serving primarily our husband and children while others around us have need of saving, has been termed as an inappropriate way to live in view of the urgency of the gospel message.  

I respect my leaders and consider them very godly, Kingdom-oriented people who want to usher in eternal life for as many people as possible.  They're people who have personally devoted a lot of prayers, time, and energy into ministering to others beyond their own nuclear family and I greatly appreciate all the love, training, and spiritual guidance that I have received from them.  However, I am having trouble understanding the role of Biblical femininity within the context of our church.  I was wondering if you could share your thoughts on this?  Why is it important for a woman to prioritize serving her husband and children during her marriage and parenting years -- does that limit one's potential to be a blessing to many?  Is it a selfish desire?  Is it appropriate for me to want to minister to my parents and sister at the expense of being more fully involved in a ministry within the church? 

A: These are great questions to ask and I am glad that you are thinking them through at this stage in your life. You should be commended for having this kind of foresight as your evaluate the teaching and lifestyles of those around you. And I'm glad to share my perspective with you.

First, I don't think there is any tension at all with serving God, unbelievers, and one's family--nor should there be. It requires wisdom to know how to do all three well, and what happens when, but thinking that one is at the expense of another is false thinking right from the outset. I base my answer on the whole counsel of Scripture, and specifically on the passages that address wives in particular (Proverbs 31, Ephesians 5, Titus 2). Those passages address issues for godly living as individuals and as a community of people who adorn the gospel. The idea that a wise woman impacts her family, church, and community is seen in these passages. Therefore, to split them up is not only unbiblical, but is actually the result of secular thinking. (See the chapter about the home and the private sphere in my book, Radical Womanhood, for a fuller explanation of that point.) 

While I very glad to know that your church leaders are passionate about evangelism, I wonder why outreach to college students can't be done in the context of family? In a world of broken families, why can't a college student be welcomed into a family, to see Christ among a happy and whole family, instead of shuttling children into daycare and ministry taking place in fractured settings? I was nodding away with what you wrote until I got to how the model was taking place. It rather grieved me to think that all these children were being shuffled off to other people so that their mothers could be busy ministering to other people. The funny thing is that unbelievers are always measuring the quality of our gospel by the quality of our commitments. The divorces, fractured families, and broken children contradict the gospel message of redemption and reconciliation. And that's why building a solid family is never a limit to being a blessing to many unbelievers. The ministry that is required to go deep with a limited set of people over many years is MUCH more powerful than what is required to go an inch deep with a mile wide set of strangers. All of what you listed doesn't have to be done at the expense of family life. In fact, outreach should build family life. In my opinion, it helps children to have a better perspective of themselves and other people when they realize they are not the fulcrum of the universe--when they can see that their parents are also concerned about other people and expect their children to join with them in caring for them. 

That said, at different points in life this balance will look different. The mother of young children will not have the same kind of outreach time/opportunities as the mother of older children. And for the record, I am not saying that mothers should not have some adult conversation time and outreach. In fact, I think it's great when husbands take the initiative to give their wives the time to have evangelistic and discipleship time apart from their children. It's the five-days-a-week-and-evenings-too model I am addressing here.

If you want my advice, I think that ministering to your inner circle of relationships first (such as family), and then to your church, and from there to others is a good model. Jesus lived it, too, with His disciples. He invested deeply into twelve people, then into others disciples like Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, and then into a wider crowd of followers and needy people. If that's what our Lord did, I think it's a good model for us to follow, too, especially as single people. So I think it's very good that you want to minister to your own family. I believe you can be effective in serving your family, serving your church, and reaching the lost when you see it as a holistic effort, not as an either/or choice. That said, as you consider the move to be closer to your family, do make sure that you are going to transition to a strong local church where you will have mature Christians, especially families, to disciple and mentor you as you reach out to others. Your current church is right in keeping the local church a priority, but not at the expense of other relationships that Scripture also clearly prioritizes. 

Comments

[Junia]

What about just the first part of the question?
"Many of the college students who attend my church are encouraged to stay after graduation to continue developing relationships that we've formed here over the past four years. I am the only Christian in my family and I am struggling between making a decision to stay here or to go home in hopes of serving my family and building a better relationship with my parents and younger sibling."

In my case, our church is also on the smaller scale. How would we decide even if the decision is not about being with family, but decisions such as graduate school? Especially if you are definitely going to commit to a solid church in the new area?

[Holly Mayfield]

Hi Carolyn, Just wanted to share my experience of how I personally have seen the two play out together as you speak of, so you could maybe pass it along to the young lady asking the question. I agree she should be commended for asking such questions.

I too became a Christian in my sophomore of college. A pastor was planting a church close to campus. His wife came to the sorority house, where I was living, to tell people about the church and share the gospel. She had her 6 month old daughter in a stroller. Her husband was walking around to the fraternity houses with their 2 year old son doing the same. We got into a conversation and she shared to gospel with me and a few of my sorority sisters and I committed my life to Christ that evening. From there, they continued to invite me into their life. She stayed at home caring for her children but I was often invited over just to do life with them, making dinner, playing with the children, observing her relationship with her husband and ministering the Gospel to her children. She effectively discipled me while caring for her family and by caring for her family. She did not have to choose between the two. Coming from a broken home, it was wonderful for me to see examples of God's faithfulness in this family.

I am now in her position, as a stay-at-home mom of a two year old and a 6 month old. Evangelism and discipleship looks different than when I was in college. I now do the same things she did, inviting people to be part of our home life. I learned so much from observing her that I am now putting into practice in serving my husband and caring for my children.

I praise God for letting me see how the two truly do go together as scripture states.

Thanks, Holly Mayfield

[Lauren]

I, too, have a question. In light of the expectation of becoming a wife and mother, should we girls attempt to find majors that would not require us to go to graduate school? I myself would love to get married and have children, so I don't really want to go into a career that would require me to spend more time at school and less time for what really matters. Any advice, Miss Carolyn?

[grace]

"At my church we are taught that time spent with family is a good and reasonable desire, but not at the expense of neglecting our responsibilities to bring the gospel to the unreached on college campuses in the area, as well as unreached nations abroad. In other words, for women to make family a priority, serving primarily our husband and children while others around us have need of saving, has been termed as an inappropriate way to live in view of the urgency of the gospel message."

I find this odd, you mean to tell me the leaders of your church tell the women who are married to put others before their families? I would think that ministering begins at home first, maybe I misunderstood what you wrote. On a every day basis I come in contact with people who I may share the gospel with and I may not be lead to do it at all. The most important people I feel the need or the burden to share the gospel with are my children.

[Darlene]

I'm greatful for your comments to these questions, Carolyn! I question the elders of any church who teach that we "evangelize" to the world at the expense of our children's and families foundation. I was discipled by a mom with young kids. She was there for myself and many others while taking great care of her family. She and her husband are now ministering abroad while her grown children are finishing graduate work with the goal of also going into ministry. Together they have been used by God in great ways and are an excellent example of faithfulness.

[Nicole]

I'd love to respond to Lauren's question above about choosing a major based off of the desire to get married.

I went into college with the expectation that I would be married or engaged by the time I graduated, and now 3 1/2 years after graduation, neither has occurred. I was hired in the children's ministry at my church right when I graduated, after obtaining a degree in health and exercise science (which is not being used at all!) I thought I would work for a year and then go to grad school for physical therapy or health promotion. But after a year of working in my church and having a strong desire to get married and have kids, I chose not to go to grad school for the very reason you mentioned, "I don't really want to go into a career that would require me to spend more time at school and less time for what really matters" as well as more spending more money.
What I've come to realize is that your motivation for making decisions needs to based how you can best serve and worship God, not based off of what you want your life to look like. I'm 25 years old, and not married. And I'm at a place where it may be that I don't get married, but if that is how I can best serve God, then I'm excited for this life. I've learned, especially through the past few years, that being a woman is not all about getting married and having children...that is not the end goal in life. If is a wonderful desire to have, and a beautiful life to live if that is God's will for you, but the most important thing you should desire is to serve God. If that means getting married and having children, then God will be faithful to provide. If that means being single, then God has a plan to use you in a way for His glory. If you are pursuing holiness as a woman, and pursuing expressing Biblical femininity, then you will grow to find joy in whatever life God lays before you.
So, to answer your question, I think you should only choose to not go to grad school if you feel God leading you in such a way that you would not be able to best serve Him by not going. Don't make the decision based solely off your desire to get married...you don't know what the future holds, if marriage is in your future or not. It's a difficult concept to recognize, but God wants more for you than to be married. He wants you to live a holy life that gives Him the glory. Pray about what God wants for you, not what you want for you. He will be faithful to lead you in the right direction.