Learn to Be Married

So there's this young pastor/church-planter guy. And he is in the midst of a challenging culture, trying to disciple his flock to glorify Jesus. His mentor gives him some advice as to what godliness should look like among his church members. It's not hinged on behavior, but on what sound doctrine should produce in the lives of the people he is serving and leading. Much of the advice is about being self-controlled. Perhaps that's an obvious caution in this culture. But to the older women, this pastor's mentor gives this advice: "They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands."

The younger women roll their eyes. Who needs this piece of advice?! When I find my soulmate, they think, everything will be perfect. He will complete me. We will have fulfilled all possible dimensions of compatibility. We will be ecstatic to be together.

The older women laugh to themselves. Just you wait, they think.

Two millennia later, a major newspaper runs an article rediscovering the wisdom of this advice. The article carries the intriguing title, The Marriage Myth: Why do so many couples divorce? Maybe they just don't know how to be married. The author asks this intriguing question: "What if the truth was that you didn't marry the wrong person? What if you just didn't know how to be married?"

Newly engaged couples don't lack for information. Racks of glossy magazines, checklist-filled books and a huge array of Web sites are at the ready, waiting to guide them through every step of the wedding planning process. No detail is too trivial for obsession -- what kind of stamps to use for invitations, how place cards should be arranged at the reception, which bridesmaids should get fancier bouquets than the rest.

For our weddings, we are hyper-prepared. But for marriage? Often, not so much.

One marriage research, John Gottman, conducted a decades-long study of marriage couples and, as the Washington Post reports in this piece, he found that "all couples -- those who are happily married into their rocking-chair years and those who divorce before they hit their fifth anniversary -- disagree more or less the same amount." They also disagree about the same subjects, with about 69 percent of these disagreements staying unresolved. But what distinguished satisfied couples from the miserable ones, he found, was how "creatively and constructively they managed those differences."

Scripture has always contained this truth, and even more. It's not natural for two sinners to live together without conflict. That's why women have to learn to love their husbands (Titus 2:4), and husbands are commanded to live with their wives in an understanding way (1 Peter 3:7). I am happy to see the general public awakening to this point. But Scripture points us to a higher purpose than marital satisfaction. Marriage should glorify God because that is its foundational purpose and its goal. That is the testimony of Scripture broadly. It is also the concluding thought that this wise mentor, Paul, once gave to Titus, his church-planting colleague: "For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works." (Titus 2:11-14)

My question to you today is, how is this Titus 2 command of older women training younger women working in your church? How is it working in your marriage or engagement? What do you have to encourage the rest of us about the value of this timeless, biblical counsel?

Comments

[eve]

It's hard to know how it's working in my church, since I'm single, not dating or engaged, and therefore not being discipled in that way by an older married woman.

Nevertheless, I'll say this. All of us need training in how to be a good wife to our Ultimate Husband. In this way, discipleship toward maturity is important to us all. And all our churches should be structured in such a way that the culture provokes mutual edification & discipleship.

[Anita Yoder]

I love this! Being single, I know how easy it is to think that of COURSE I'd always love my Prince Charming. I love how Scripture knows us and our weaknesses/needs better than we do ourselves.
My church is stellar in teaching younger women how to love their husbands. Last week in Sunday school, the discussion morphed into how to view dirty socks in the bed. =) (Is it more important than my keeping marriage? is the question to ask, they said!)
And my friends have just written a book for new brides that has great, practical ways of loving and serving husbands, available from www.thenewbrideguide.wordpress.com
I think God's people should help each other support and defend solid marriages and families and I like how you're doing that, Carolyn!

[Anna]

As a young woman who has been married a little over a year, I have received discipleship from women in my church regarding marriage, mostly in a small group setting. But I also have the kind of relationship with an older woman in my church that I can call her when I am at my wit's end in an argument with my husband, and ask her for her counsel (as I did this past weekend). What a blessing.

[Bethany Grover]

In my experience limited experience, I've noticed two things about mentoring:
1. It happens best individually- not that teachings and small groups can't be helpful, but the most powerful teaching happens in the details of life.
2. It primarily involves discipleship- not that practical tips can't be helpful, but in the end what makes a great spouse is a great Christian- someone who walks with God and lives and loves like Him.

I have had the wonderful privilege of being mentored by many women over the years. Most of them are part of Providence Church of Pittsburgh, where I attended for 7 years.

But the one who sticks out as the best example of mentoring I've ever known is Jere Harvey. Carolyn, I don't know if you've ever met Jere or how well you know her. Out East she's primarily known as Dave Harvey's mom. But in Pittsburgh she has a ministry all her own.

When it comes to mentoring, Jere is an intentional woman! She works both within the church (through caregroup and evangelistic Bible studies) and independently in relationships God develops with believers and nonbelievers. She submits both kinds of mentoring to her pastors, constantly seeking counsel. She has no problem crossing age and cultural barriers. For a while she was the assistant caregroup leader of the young singles caregroup- and that was after she was a grandma. I'll never forget riding to New Attitude with her singing Beatles songs.

Jere knows how to make you feel welcome, she's always interested in the details of your life, she feels your joys and sorrows with you, and gives loving encouragement and gentle correction. She offers a wonderful combination of practical advice, life experience, and biblical counsel.

And she follows up!! I haven't lived in Pittsburgh for 4 years, and yet Jere still emails me, calls on occassion, and even comes to visit. I know I'm not the only one she keeps in touch with like that.

Most impressive I think is her willingness to share her own struggles with girls and ladies so much younger and less mature than herself. I think I've learned the most from her humble sharing of the lessons God has taught and is teaching her. She wants so much to show God's greatness, she doesn't seem to mind sharing her weakness. In those moments she often says things that I wouldn't have thought to ask about- so invaluable! I wish everyone had a Jere.

[Rosie]

Thank you for posting. Knowing truth and living it out by God's grace does make a difference in how we walk before Him, and the way we treat others. Romans 12:2ESV comes to mind"... but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." For now I pray this as a single sister in Christ as I love God and others.

[Angela]

Wow - I really needed to read this today, especially the statistic about 69% of the disagreements staying unresolved. I'm just finishing my first year of marriage (some days it's still hard to believe we've made it this far), and I've always felt that we need to resolve everything to have a good marriage. This post is going to help me rethink that and hopefully find a more content place in our marriage. Thank you, Carolyn.

[Joanna]

Sadly, I did not receive any mentoring or training through the local church because it doesn't exist here for the most part. (I have just learned about biblical womanhood (via internet & books) in the last 2 years of my life & marriage of almost 10 years.) I live in the Buckle of the "Bible Belt" and unfortunately, the most influential churches here actually believe women can be pastors over men & other harmful feminist beliefs. I have a strong desire to change that non-mentoring situation here & bring in a Titus 2 type of teaching--but ladies are SOOOO resistant here. I also was a single mom, divorced, when I first came into the church, and had better mentoring on how to be single than how to be married. Hope this info helps.

[Faith]

What a great post. I see this all the time and (being only 4 years into my marital journey) I can also attest to the naive thoughts many young women have. It wasn't long into our marriage...actually it was probably as we were going through pre-marital counseling that we realized we needed/wanted older men/women to pour into us. We go to a very large, very young church though and so it is very difficult to find older women who are able to commit to a relationship like this. Thanks for your thoughts.

[Crystal]

This is such a valuable concept.
I am a relatively young woman and I have been married twelve years. I intentionally look for godly woman mentors, but the sad truth is that I see very few Christian marriages that I want to model mine after.
I'm not the only one. I see young Christian women get greedy for advice from a woman who seems to have a godly marriage.
Working to have a healthy and godly marriage is important to me anyway, but it reminds me that if I expect to mentor a younger married woman, I need to make sure that what I am modeling is something that she would even want.

[Debi Walter]

Thanks, Carolyn. I'm from Metro Life Church and love this post! If you don't mind, I'm sharing it with the readers on our blog - The Romantic Vineyard. I'm placing it on two permanent pages - The "Wives Only" room and the "You're Engaged" room.