For Mothers Struggling with Guilt

 I became aware of the 9Marks eJournal on pastoring women because it is carrying a review of my book, Radical Womanhood. But the article that captured my attention is one by my friend, Jani Ortlund, who graciously and winsomely encourages young mothers who are struggling with guilt.

This was a timely piece for me to read because I had just been listening to a mother talk about the common temptation to think she was failing her children. I say "common temptation" because I hear that from nearly every mother I speak with. I know countless women who are making incredible sacrifices for their children and yet feel they are falling short. I strongly believe part of that is spiritual warfare--lies from our Enemy who wants mothers to lose sight of God's grace and quit the ministry of pointing rebellious children to a redeeming Savior. Jani fills out this idea with the opening of her article:

Guilt is a young mother’s habitual shadow. It has a nasty way of soaking through many of her efforts at nurturing, serving and loving others. “Am I doing enough for my children? For others? What do they think of me? What does God think of me?”

As a young mother everyone wants something from you—your family, your church, your boss, your neighbor. And most likely, you give way more than you ever thought you could. But along the way guilt nibbles at your soul, eating away your inner peace and joy. And it often lingers through the years, even after your children are grown and gone.

Dear young mother, don’t waste your guilt!

Don’t waste your guilt, but instead listen to it and evaluate it. Take it out of the shadows and examine it in the light of Scripture. Lay out your feelings before Christ. Is this guilt legitimate conviction of sin? Then confess your sin, receive his forgiveness and ask him where and how he wants you to change.

But maybe your guilt is a nagging, self-focused fear that if you were just a bit better or worked just a little harder, then you would be noticed and admired enough to feel okay about yourself. That is false guilt, rooted in pride. It will hurt your family and hinder your relationship with your grace-giving Father. If this describes your guilt, then remind yourself that through Christ’s death and resurrection, you’re accepted by God. The solution to false guilt, as to true guilt, is the gospel.

Paul speaks of these two kinds of guilt in 2 Corinthians 7:10. There is a godly grief that produces repentance, and a worldly grief that produces death. Ask yourself this question: is what I give my time and energies to driven by life-giving repentance or life-depleting pride?

Jani addresses these questions in the rest of her article, "For the Young Mother: Ministry, Guilt, and the Seasons of Life." I trust it will be a refreshing perspective for anyone who is weary in her parenting role.

Comments

[Jen C.]

Thanks so much for highlighting this article. It is spot-on at identifying how much we moms struggle with guilt. I hadn't quite realized how much, but it is my constant companion. And, I am learning to turn to the gospel to help me battle this false guilt. It is so true-this is a form of pride, because I really do want people to think I'm super-mom, with a clean house, clean, obedient, happy children, dinner in the oven, and a happy, perfect marriage. Oh Lord, slay my pride!

[Fritz]

I want to comment on this post and also the 'Counsel for Single Parents'.

I have found from my own experiences that I am much more judgmental of my own children than other's children. So, don't worry (feel guilty) about having 'perfect children'. They (as we all are) are responsible for their own sins. We can give them guidance, but it is up to them whether or not they follow our instruction.

As a single dad, I know that my kids aren't perfect, but have always had people cmopliment me on how well behaved the young men (10 & 15) are that I'm raising. You do the best the you can with what you're given/got, and let the Lord handle the rest.

As a man, I don't feel the "motherly guilt" so much, but pride in not asking for help (asking for directions, anyone? :) ) comes in to play. I've had to ask for help for some things. I guess, thankfully, I am not raising any daughters alone. :)

Blessings to all of the single parents out there. We all have been given a difficult task. But remember, God never gives us anything we can't handle......

[Bethany in mid-MO]

I found you today through Adrian Warnock's links page. I appreciate this post!

Bethany (a young mother of 5) in mid-MO

[Sharon]

WOW! I really needed to read this today. There is no such thing as false guilt. I used to tell myself that there was false guilt, and I needed to get over myself. But, I learned that guilt is there for a reason, but it is misplaced guilt. It is guilt that needs to be, like the author stated, brought before the throne of God and dealt with.

Is there unconfessed sin in my life? Is the guilt I'm feeling about the issue or about the fact that I am really sinning (pride) by feeling guilty for putting too much emphasis on carnal things (house isn't perfect enough, I still have baby fat to lose, yard needs fixing, haven't been to bible study in forever it seems..the guilt just kept coming...LIES)? This season of motherhood for me is so critical: and the battle is being won on my knees with brokenness.

I prayed for years for a child. And when the Lord blessed me with a child, and I became a long-awaited stay-at-home mom after years of being an accomplished school teacher, I became depressed and terrified, gripped by guilt for hating my baby (selfishness) and being thrown into uncharted waters. I thought "my life" was gone. But, he was resurrecting me!

God was in my darkest hour and poured forth His mercy and grace via His word; daily repentance and seeking His strength at every waking hour became my only sanity. And then one day I looked up and had His word in my heart and a smile on my face for choosing joy in motherhood.

The world world would call it "postpartum." The Bible calls it sin, and He saved me out of my miry pit and put my feet upon a rock! Thank you again for this WONDERFUL article. Very needed for this young mother and surely for others. Well done!

Because of Christ,
SMS