Regarding Mother's Day

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of meeting an email pal in person: Wendy Alsup. Wendy is a mother, author, blogger, and speaker. We were both speaking at the same event, which gave us plenty of time to talk in between sessions. One of our topics was ministry to women and how it should be shaped. Thus, when I saw her most recent post for The Gospel Coalition, I was eager to share it with you all. More on that in a moment.

Though I've been extremely busy with work and family needs these last few months, I have had one thought that I keep mulling over in my mind. My concern is that in circles that rightly value the roles of wife and mother, the discipleship focus for women can be limited to those identities. Now please understand me that though I am neither a wife or mother, I have a high view of those roles and I certainly trust my publishing and speaking record of the past decade would support that claim. But I do carry no small concern that if we define and disciple women by roles that end in this life, we are missing the greater good. We need to emphasize that female Christ-followers are co-heirs in Him, adopted into the family of God, and sisters to everyone in that redeemed family. Building upon that foundation, most women will also have the roles of wife and mother in this life. Those roles provide additional means of glorifying God, growing in godliness, and investing in the next generation. But they are not the sole way for women to do so, as our heavenly Father intends that all of His children are conformed to the image of Christ through the circumstances, roles, and life experiences that He sovereignly ordains.

Wendy does a great job of unpacking this idea in her post titled, "For Moms, Former Moms, and Wannabe Moms:"

Mother’s Day is a tricky holiday. Like any holiday, it is sweet for some and bitter for others. For some, it’s both. I remember feeling on the outside looking in on Mother’s Day, first as a single woman and then after I miscarried our first. Our church had an entrance near the nursery called the Family Entrance. Could I use it? Were we a family? I finally just used it regardless, almost as an act of defiance. Now as the mother of a 4- and 6-year-old, I can deeply appreciate someone setting aside parking near an entrance that kept me from having to walk my toddlers across a busy intersection. But at the time I was dealing with emotions that weren’t swayed by practical realities. I just wanted to be a mom. And that sign at the church entrance reminded me I wasn’t.

It is an age-old conundrum in humanity in general and Christianity in particular. How do you honor someone who has something good that you want too? How do you applaud the sacrifices of one without minimizing the suffering of the other? I don’t know exactly, but I do think there is an overarching principle that is helpful.

Motherhood is not the greatest good for the Christian woman. Whether you are a mom or not, don’t get caught up in sentimentalism that sets it up as some saintly role. The greatest good is being conformed to the image of Christ. Now, motherhood is certainly one of God’s primary tools in his arsenal for this purpose for women. But it is not the end itself. Being a mom doesn’t make you saintly. Believe me. Being a mom exposes all the ways you are a sinner, not a saint. Not being a mom and wanting to be one does too. We may long to get pregnant, looking at motherhood from afar. God sanctifies us through that longing. We may lose a pregnancy or a child, and mourn the loss of our motherhood. God conforms us to Christ through that as well. We may have a brood of children of various ages, and heaven knows God roots sin out of our hearts that way. It’s all about THE greatest good, being conformed to the image of Christ—reclaiming the image of God that he created us to bear through gospel grace. And God uses both the presence and the absence of children in the lives of his daughters as a primary tool of conforming us to Christ.

Single woman watching your biological clock tick away, I encourage you to look today at your longings through the lens of the gospel. You don’t have to deny your longing or talk yourself into a happy attitude for all the good things you can do without kids. It’s OK to mourn the loss. God said children are a blessing. But after the fall, we do not all get to experience that blessing. The gospel makes up the difference. While you are disappointed in deep ways and that disappointment is real, you will one day sit with Jesus in heaven profoundly content with his work in you through this disappointment. In heaven, you will have no longing for something you missed. You will not be disappointed. May confidence in that hope sustain you.

Married woman experiencing infertility, I encourage you with similar words. People can be callous with their words, especially in the church. But believe in confidence that God in this very moment loves you with a deep love. You may feel estranged from him, knowing that he has the power to give you that sweet infant that he has given so many around you. It seems like he is dangling a desire in front of you, teasing you with it. But understand that unfulfilled desire is a tool he uses to give you even better things—things of himself that you cannot know in easy ways. Believe in confidence that this time of waiting is not just a holding pattern with no discernible value, but it too is a blessing, albeit in disguise, as it increases your strength to run and not grow weary and to walk and not to faint. Wait on the Lord, dear sister, in confidence.

And mom who fails her children regularly (because that’s everyone else), preach the gospel to yourself this day. If you have any grasp on your reality, you are likely painfully aware of every failure you’ve made with your children. And maybe you are fatigued by the fears of future failure as well. It’s okay that your children expose your own sin. In fact, it’s the mom who doesn’t seem daily aware of her failures that most concerns me. Christ has made the way for you to be at peace. If you sinned against your kids, ask their forgiveness. If you are kicking yourself for your failures, preach God’s grace to yourself. Don’t learn to live with your sin—don’t embrace it with the attitude “that’s just how I am.” But don’t deny it either. Be honest about it. You sinned. You confess. God forgives. You get up and walk forward in confidence. It’s called gospel grace, and THAT is the legacy to leave your children.

By the way, the conference at which Wendy and I spoke (along with Holly Stratton, pictured above) addressed the "jewel of contentment." If the issues that swirl around the topic of motherhood elicit discontentment in you, I recommend you check out those messages.

(Photo, from left: I am standing with Holly Stratton and Wendy Alsup.)

Comments

[kristi]

I could not agree more with this post!!

[Kalyn]

What a great article. I am a wife, but not a mom, and it pains me to see women uphold motherhood as some trophy or prize to attain. I respect mothers, and am glad to honor them on Mother's Day, but motherhood is not the end-all. Our relationship with God should be first. Thank you for the reminder.

[Niki]

Oh wow, you know I appreciate the way you took the time to acknowledge and address single women in this article. For some reason alot of people seem to think that not being able to have children is a longing that just married women have. Married or single, you are a woman and as we know just by looking at our bodies, we are designed to have children, so for single women it isn't always necessarily the longing for a companion but also to carry out and live the essence of your femininty, the very thing that sets you apart from men which is having kids and just like a married woman having fertility problems and feeling the pain each time their invited to a kiddie's birthday party, sibgle women can feel that pain too.
I am single and each time I see a pregnant woman I look on wondering if its something I'll ever to get to experience. I try not to dwell on it all the time and do encourage myself by reminding myself that my ultimate goal is to grow to maturity in Christ and once I'm sitted at His feet in eternity whether my desires are granted or denied me, they will never compare.

[hannah anderson]

Thank you for the link to Wendy's article. I too have been wrestling with exactly this issue lately: how do we disciple women a way that extends past roles and develops the inner woman? I am a sometimes pastor's wife (always the wife, the pastoring is on-hold momentarily)and have been pretty concerned that a lot of young women seem to be adopting biblical application without truly understanding the gospel behind it. This produces a lot of tired, emotionally and spiritually drained moms and wives on the one hand, and a number of discouraged singles on the other. We've seriously got to put the gospel back into "biblical womanhood" and realize the depth of what that truly means.

[Chalise @ Memphis Misfit Mama]

I read and posted Wendy's blog post the other day and it brought tears to my eyes as I thought of my single friends who long to be moms and my married friends who long to be moms but are struggling with infertility. We do have an eternal calling! Thanks for that reminder.

[EMBG]

"adopting biblical application without truly understanding the gospel behind it."

hannah anderson (4th comment) nails the issue precisely above. However noble the intention, it is truly troubling when the church is just fine with teaching practical "role" application to women (time management, how to do laundry, patience with young kids, why to have sex frequently with hubby, how to dress modestly, etc) but reserve teaching "theology proper" (nature / character of God) for discipleship classes with men only. Knowing God rightly is the only true ground for godly character.

The fruit of the Spirit is just that - fruit that overflows from being indwelt by and submitted to the Holy Spirit. It isn't just a set of character traits that one determines to get good at. It is beyond sad when we who love grace so much in our overall theology are content to reduce gender roles to legalistic behavioral prescriptions. Biblical womanhood is being a woman who is a disciple of Christ - no more and no less. Biblical masculinity is being a man who is a disciple of Christ - no more and no less. That doesn't mean that there aren't differences between men and women [less J Ligon Duncan or Susan Hunt jump up to condemn "androgynous discipleship" :-) ] but it does mean that if I am wholeheartedly pursuing Christ, I will become the man or woman I was meant to be - no need to add in a lot of extra rules!

Recently advertised was the ladies seminar “A Woman and Her Emotions: How Do You Feel About Your Feelings?” Now I'm sure the content will be sound but can you imagine such a seminar title for men? "A Man and His Emotions: How Do You Feel About Your Feelings?" Who would attend? Not being someone who tends to be highly emotionally driven (my weaknesses tend to go in the opposite direction) and having heard that kind of talk myriad times at women's meetings, it holds little appeal for me either. I'm waiting for the seminar titled: "A Woman and the Mind of God: How do you think about your thought life?" Exploring what it means to take every thought captive - learning prayerfully to "have the mind of Christ" in all of our responsibilities, roles, and relationships. I need to learn how to be content and discontent - rightly. To be ambitious and humble. To fight for justice for the oppressed and have a gentle and quiet spirit...