Discernment and Sexual Predators

When I was 17, I briefly attended an unbiblical church. I was drawn in by the size of the youth group and the swirl of activity. There was plenty of discussion about wealth and prosperity, satanic back-masking in rock music, and spiritual gifts. But I don't recall anyone talking about sin, repentance, sanctification, sacrifice, suffering, or living for the glory of God. 

The youth ministry leader was 22 and a recent convert. Plenty of rumors swirled around him, but I gave them no credit until he invited me over to his townhouse. When he acted just like the non-churched men I knew and attempted to initiate a sexual relationship, I called him out. Then I turned him in to the senior pastor. As similar situations surfaced with other girls, much chaos and gossip ensued in the weeks that followed. I'd like to say that this all went down well, but it didn't. It turns out that is very costly to ignore both common sense (a single man only a few years older is leading the youth ministry?!) and Scripture's guidelines about leadership ("He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil" 1 Tim. 3:6). 

In the wake of this mess, I left that church and everything else to do with Christianity. I spent the next 12 years running from God, convinced I had seen the entire spectrum of faith and it was hollow and deceptive. But God, being rich in mercy (sweet, sweet words!), arrested my attention and regenerated my heart and faith on one Easter Sunday on a trip to South Africa. While I doubt I was genuinely regenerated as a teenager (my journals show little fruit), I still ponder that early church experience from time to time and how it dishonored the gospel.

Most recently, I recalled it as I read about a youth director in a local church who for five years was sexually involved with many girls from the youth group. The church did a poor job in vetting the hiring of this man (his previous employer told them about inappropriate contact with a 14-year-old girl), in considering the doctrine of sin ("the senior pastor said he was shocked to hear that his youth director could be involved in inappropriate behavior"), and in observing and correcting his questionable public interactions with the teen girls (cuddling, personal attention, partying). What's commendable, however, is that the church has undergone a long, public transformation process to correct the problems and create a church responsive to victims of sexual abuse.

Nevertheless, over the past few months, I kept coming back to this one thought: we need to instill discernment in young girls so that they can more readily identify abusers and predators. This ought to be embedded in our Titus 2 discipleship, our parenting, and our youth group leadership. Now, please hear me out. I am not piling on condemnation for the girls who were involved in this particular case, nor their families. They have my sympathy. But as I read their accounts, I kept thinking about them and many other young women I know who have been tripped up by the same smooth lies. It's the trend I want to address.

Predators and abusers offer the same routine each time -- you're special, no one else makes me feel this way, don't tell anyone, here's the justification for my questionable behavior, what we have is unique, etc. It never varies because it so consistently works. And you know why? I'm speaking broadly here, but I believe it is generally true: because the rest of us puff up the minds of girls with princess mythologies but we don't (often) equip them to recognize that Prince Charming needs to have some character, not just sweet talk. I can't tell you how many young women I've mentored who couldn't connect those dots. And in fact, how many got defensive when you pointed out the gap between the words and deeds of the smooth dude in question.

Therefore, based on my own experience, this particular church incident, and the interactions I've had with other women, here are the initial basics of a discipling discussion about discernment that I think we should have with every budding teenager (boys need to know these standards, too):

• If you can only remember one thing, this is it: What is legitimate and godly is done in the light, known by others, and doesn't violate biblical standards. Anything you experience that is done furtively, in the dark, and kept secret is nearly always sinful.
• Which means young women need to know biblical standards for godly living. They also need to know the Titus 1 and 1 Timothy 3 passage about the qualifications of leaders, so that they can recognize those who twist the Word for their own gain.
• They need to know that a man who genuinely loves them will honor this relationship publicly, a love that is shown like a banner over them (Song of Solomon 2:4).
• They need to know a godly man and a future husband is an imitator of God who walks in the light, avoiding sexual immorality, taking no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, and who desires to nourish and cherish his wife (all of Ephesians 5). Therefore, one who pursues sexual immorality and encourages them to lie and deceive others is not an imitator of God and needs to be confronted or exposed.
• They need to know the standards of godly speech, so that a man (especially a man in authority!) who texts and talks to them nonstop about sex is automatically suspect in his motives, because this reveals the defiling overflow of his heart (Matt. 15:19).
• They also need to recognize, in humility, that their desire for romance and pursuit is legitimate, but it can become the very thing that trips them up if they aren't willing to acknowledge this is exactly how predators and abusers work the system. If they aren't willing to consider that they are being lied to in any particular situation, they they aren't going to ask the hard questions--of the men or themselves.
• Love is an action. It is measured equally as much in the deeds of those who claim friendship or affection as it is in the proffered words. Make sure they match. 

This are just some of my initial thoughts. I'd like to hear your perspectives, too. I don't want young women to distrust men, but to be wise and discerning, able to question improper actions but also eager to encourage the godliness of others around them.

 

Comments

[Nicodemus]

My daughter has valued Joshua Harris's book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". I have not read it myself but she tells me much about it and from what I hear I am grateful for it and has started to share it amongst her friends. It is difficult for parents to know how to guide their children and especially when as with my wife and I we do not come from a christian background and so these warnings and guidelines you have put forward are very helpful. Thanks.

[K in Philly]

My father's church, which is a believing church but in a denomination that does ordain women, hired a husband and wife team to be their youth leaders. Both are graduates of seminary. They actually split the full time salary between them, and of course only need one set of family coverage for health care. The husband also works another job, and the wife spends the rest of her time with their two little ones. (and of course is able to do lots of stuff with the youth with the kids along too).

As a rule I am not in favor of women as pastors, as I don't see that there is any wiggle room in scripture, but in terms of a youth group (i.e. non adults who are being led) I think this is a GREAT arrangement. Not only do the girls in both the middle and high schools groups have a warm Godly woman available to them, but the interactions with her husband are just that .. the girls know that he is her husband. (and vice versa for the teen guys in the group)

[Sarah Patch]

Glad you wrote this Carolyn. I think the first of the bullet points is particularly valuable. Great post!

[Cheryl]

I absolutely agree that young girls need to be taught how to discern the intentions of men. The women in our church were recently talking about this in light of the sex trade and how so many young girls are lured in because they are naive and are honestly just looking for love. We need to train our daughters to detect and discern noble and ignoble motives. Great post.

[Stephanie B.]

Fascinating situation, and I'm glad the church is making amends. It is always hard to make sure "things done in secret" are brought to the light, but I'm glad it is happening in this case. I wholeheartedly agree with your points about what young ladies need to be taught and of what they need to be made aware (regarding behaviors by men, esp. those in church leadership, but really any guy who shows them interest!). Such damage is done to the Body in cases like this; it grieves my heart and I hope that as a whole the Church can continue to root out this type of behavior- for the glory of the Father, not just to "save face" with the public.

[Okiepokie]

Awesome message but it shouldn't be just for young girls, plenty of young men are taken advantage of in the same situations as well.

[CalLadyQED]

Thank you sharing your experience, Carolyn. This is indeed a real danger. Thanks for bringing up the issue of things done in secret.

[Tamara Kaufman]

This was such a great article that I have "reblogged" it. I hope you don't mind. Thank you for writing something so clearly on this subject.
www.solomonsdaughters.blogspot.com

[Alissa]

I've recently begun to visit this blog via a link on GirlTalk. Although I've not read your books yet (emphasis here: this oversight will be corrected SOON), I've found myself... strengthened, encouraged, edified, Sharpened by the words you offer, Carolyn. As a mother of six children (the oldest daughter will turn 18 in November and the youngest child is 2), former victim, and redeemed daughter of the King Most High, I can't tell you how much this particular post has stirred me up. Over the past month, as I've read your posts and looked through your CityGate Films site, and in poking around at many of your links, I have been profoundly moved to begin a purposeful women's ministry within my local church. We are a Bible-preaching, Christ-exalting body that love each other and our Lord. Yet, as I read about Titus 2 discleship/discernment discussion you recommend (and the Bible commands), I am pricked again: we simply do not have an established structure/place/format in our church body for woman to woman mentoring (aside from the occasional book study). Allowing that such important, frank discussions are going on in every home, it seems that much support can be given and gained from a corporal approach as well. I'm wondering: if you were to give a list of practical steps for beginning such a ministry or discipleship, what might it entail? (Note: first on my list will be Radical Womanhood, as I'm anticipating much "meat" there...) Thank you for your time in this blog. I'm amazed at how chock full it is of book reviews, Biblical guidance, and frank, transparent discussion and consideration.

[Alissa]

*Just one addition to my previous comment: I searched out the True Woman link and conference! Wow! Sounds just like what I was asking for! Thanks for linking your readers to such great material and opportunity.

[Holly Poe]

I was concerned when your article began with "I had briefly attended an UNBIBLICAL church". It's not wise to imply that this type of thing only goes on there & therefore if a girl goes to the RIGHT church it won't happen...Unfortunately, we live in a sinful world & we are sinful people (only saved by the grace of God) and even in Biblical solid churches with godly leadership there are sinful people...even in pastoral roles as well as elders and deacons, it's unfortunate but true. Please look at Hebrews 11...isn't Samson listed in God's Hall of Faith? Other than that, I felt your article was 'spot on' :-) Blessings

[KC-Alb]

There's nothing I could disagree with in your post, Carolyn. However, I would urge you to emphasize the underlying spiritual need.

Yes, girls need training in how to identify and protect themselves from predatory, evil males. But it isn't just that. Men and women - everyone - all of us in our current anti-god, androgynous, liberal society - need constant training and re-training in the subject matter of that beautiful vision for manhood and womanhood that God designed.

It's the same either direction, as 'Okiepokie' above points out:

--Women need training in how God would like to see them treating the men around them - yes, with all due wisdom and discernment.

--Men need training in how God would like to see them treating the women around them - again, with all due wisdom and discernment.

In either direction, to cast the opposite gender as a significant percentage predatory and evil, without emphasis on the positive message and solution, may be counterproductive. It could contribute to the increasing gender-hostility, rather than to the gender-harmony we seek.

Increasing gender-hostility helps neither gender.

[Callie]

This is a critical teaching in light of the popularity of the Twilight series. These novels and movies glamorize the predator relationship, deceptively portraying it as safe and protective. It breaks my heart that this is the image of "love" that so many young women are absorbing into their hearts and minds today. Since this is the obvious strategy of the enemy, we need to be intentional about teaching truth in this area.

[ccinnova]

Okiepokie is correct regarding young men. Those of us in the Washington, DC area may remember that a male former teacher and counselor received a 25-year prison sentence last month for molesting teenage boys. In addition, there have been several high-profile instances around the country of female teachers prosecuted for seducing male students. I realize these are examples from outside the church, but they illustrate Okiepokie's point.

Carolyn, I'm grieved that you were mistreated sexually by an authority figure in the church. However, as a single man I'm also grieved that your "common sense" statement reinforced negative stereotypes about us. Just because a man is single doesn't necessarily mean he's a predator (or, for that matter, immature, irresponsible, and/or porn-addicted). Likewise, just because a man is married doesn't necessarily mean he's pure. Within the last two months, for example, a married senator and a married congressman resigned their respective positions due to sexual misconduct.

A survey conducted in 2005 by University of Virginia professor W. Bradford Wilcox found that only 15% of single men attend church weekly, as opposed to 32% of married men. Undoubtedly the majority of non-attendees don't know the Lord. I can't help but wonder, though, if a significant minority of single men love the Lord but grew sick and tired of being judged inferior, or worse, by their churches solely because of their marital status.

[Angela]

I am so glad you wrote this article! For the past couple of years now, that Scripture about "He must not be a recent convert" rang true in my mind constantly.

I've been approached {an an adult} in two different churchs {one by the pastor I was the church sec, and by my counselor/deacon} in an almost similar manner. I never said anything to anyone in the church b/c both men had families that I was very close to and had small children. I couldn't see myself devestating their wives like that.

These men "know" the Bible and seem above board. I believe their wives are even fool to the degree of the deparvity lurking within her bed! Many of these guys are preditors {I've done reading on their behavior for the past two years—almost obessively because I just can't figure out how I was fool, or rather I couldn't figure it out, but now I know.}

They suffer from "personality disorders" such as passive-aggressive, narcassism and others. They are good because this has alwasy been their way and like you said, "It works." They are so good until they can fool some of the elect.

For a long time, I couldn't understand how they could be the way that they are appearing to be so "faitful", but the key is "apperance" for them. They want to look like mainstream American's though their heart is far from it.

Church leadership overlooking this sort of person and this Scripture is just openly inviting Satan in to reek havoc on the flock.

I've told myself that I will never be so open with any church leader again. I've learned to talk to God and leave it. More than anything, though, I've learned that I should never feel so comfortable as a female having and trusting men as my "best" friends.

[EMBG]

My DH was involved in a church when he was a pre-teen where a male youth leader molested at least one young man in the group. Both boys and girls in the church can be a target for criminals and criminals often target church environments because of how "trusting" we can be. Adults need to be vigilant. Children should be trained to recognize what is and isn't acceptable behavior. Leaders need to be very open in confronting the danger, whether potential or when an incident has occurred. Cover ups should not be tolerated, nor should Christian values like "forgiveness" be used to manipulate victims and their families into staying silent.

[DebraJean]

After reading all of the comments each one I find myself nodding my head in agreement.
Angela, Wow, could I relate. Unfortunately, the relationships we all long with one an other, sometimes is taken advantage of and leave us wanting to keep us protected from any other possibility of becoming hurt again.
Satan works that way to. He wants you to isolate yourself from any potential relationships that will strengthen you. Might I suggest, confiding and sharing with anyone to be done with a leader of the church which is female. I have learned not to share anything of any significance with male leaders. IF and that's a BIG IF, I do share, I share with my Pastors wife present in the midst of my confiding. I also never place myself in a situation to be alone with a male in my church. Whether that be to sit and bible study or a ride home, it just doesn't happen. It's a rule in our church.
I just recently ended a relationship.

I thank God for His will and not mine.

[Anonymous]

This was a great article. I usually read this blog without leaving any comments, but this article was an exception. I just had to say thank you for writing about this very important topic. The first and last points really hit home for me (what is godly is done in the light, and actions should match up with words).

Could you suggest any additional resources on this topic(books, articles, blog posts, etc)?

[Lisa writes...]

Wise words here, particularly relevant as a church in our small town has recently endured (still enduring) a similar scandal. May the Lord grant us discernment!

[Stephanie Holmberg]

Very wise words. Thank you.

[Danielle]

Such great teaching points! As the mother of two daughters this is invaluable info!

[jan]

Carolyn, maybe you should edit/delete DebraJean's dirty laundry airing above? Not sure what her experience adds to this discussion. Any way your posts is good and timely. I think the biggest take away is that parents need to stay involved and aware of their young people. Keep communication lines open, know where they are and who they are with. Not sure why we have youth groups to begin with because the potential for problems seem to outweigh any benefits. What is the rationale, anyway? Wouldn't older women/younger women mentoring groups be more biblical?

[Carolyn McCulley]

Good point, Jan. Thanks for suggesting it. DebraJean, I did take the liberty of editing your personal dating story for everyone's edification, but left your other comments. Thanks for participating in this discussion!

[sarah]

Thank you for writing this... a good 'heads-up' to us all. I may not have considered how important it is to instill this discernment in my kids had I not read this. It's so easy to overlook. A hard, but very real and necessary subject to address.