Losses at Christmas

A few weeks ago, I stood before friends and family members and gave my mother's eulogy. She had succumbed to injuries sustained in a car accident over Thanksgiving weekend. Just days before her accident, the Lord had given me Hebrews 12:28 to meditate upon as I made a list of things for which I was thankful. At the top of that list was the fact my parents were still alive and in relatively good health. 

Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe (Hebrews 12:28 ).

Throughout her time in the hospital and after her passing, I had many occasions to meditate upon the faithfulness of the Lord. My mother's death rocked my world, but God and His kingdom were unshakeable. Whenever someone would muse aloud about why God allowed this to happen, I would acknowledge our mutual grief, but then I would try to gently turn the topic to the greater hope we have in Jesus. Even though we daily receive new mercies from Him, Jesus is not going to patch up this broken world. He is going to give us something much better: a new heavens and a new earth where there are no more tears and no more death. Until then, grief and loss are part of the human experience. These thoughts were what shaped my closing remarks in her eulogy:

When Mom passed away, we knew she wanted to have a funeral shortly thereafter. At first it seemed sad to interrupt the holiday season of feasting and celebrating with a funeral. But during her last days, I realized that a funeral during Advent is actually entirely appropriate. For without the wonderful truth that the Word became flesh and lived among us in the midst of our fallen world with all of its decay, destruction and death—we truly would grieve without hope. Instead, we could commend Mom in her final moments to the loving hands of Her Savior, for He surely knew what it meant to live and suffer in this body of frail flesh.

As the angel said in the gospel of Luke, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” Those words proclaimed the good news of God’s divine rescue—a mission to send His only begotten Son into the world to live the perfect life we cannot, to pay the just penalty for our sins, and in turn give us His perfect righteousness. In this incredible exchange of grace, Jesus overcame the curse of sin and its penalty of death.

This is our true reason for celebrating Christmas. And this the true reason all those who put their hope in Jesus have for worshiping Him … even when we must say goodbye in this life to someone we love.  Our hope is not that God will spare us hardship in this fallen world, but that in His overflowing mercy we will one day receive a new heavens and a new earth – free from sin, free from death, free from tears – and be reunited with our all those we have loved once before.

And then we will fall on our faces to worship Him who made it all possible.

Last year, I wrote about my memories of my Aunt Kathleen and Uncle Kevin, and how they taught me to be more sensitive about grief during the holidays. My mother was so proud of this blog post that she requested I print it out and send it to various family members who aren't online. Little did I know then that I would write a similar tribute to her this year. 

I am not the only one grieving this year. My cousins are also grieving the loss of their father, my mother's brother. Numerous friends are also grieving their family members. And our nation is collectively mourning with the families of Newtown, CT. In fact, grief and loss are entwined in the story of our Savior's birth (Matthew 2:16). 

So for all of us who are mourning this holiday, here is a short film my company produced for John Piper only weeks before my mother's passing. I had no idea then that I, too, would need a film titled "Hope for the Hurting This Christmas." But now that I look back over the last two months, I see the kindness of God in preparing my heart in many ways.

Tomorrow I will gather with my family and we will grieve Mom's absence in many ways. But in our mourning, we will be able to cling to the hope that the pierces the darkness of loss: For unto us, a Child is born. And for that reason, I can confidently wish us all a merry Christmas.

 

(Photo: Beth Altrogge Murphy took this portrait of my mother, Rosalind, during her 80th birthday party two years ago.)

Comments

[Taryn Hayes]

Oh, Carolyn, I can't begin to imagine the hurting you're experiencing and have since this tragic passing. Death is so unnatural. Yet The Lord is soo good always, even in the midst of death. Thank you for your witness in this time. I pray He will carry you and hold you through this most painful of life's experiences.

[Tara Barthel]

So very sorry for your great loss, Carolyn.

Sending our love,
Fred, Tara, Sophia & Ella Barthel

[Michelle Crouch]

Hi Carolyn, My heartfelt condolences to you on the loss of your mother. I lost my father during the Christmas season 20 years ago this year, an event that among other things taught me about loss amid an otherwise most joyous season. May God's amazing grace pour into the gaping hole your mother leaves, one that will continue to ache for many years, and fill you with gratitude for the mother she was and for the hope you share. God bless you and your family as you gather and celebrate, even though it be with tears. Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing: it's the most amazing miracle.

[Connie]

Thank you so much for this--I (we) lost my Mother in late October. I had similar thoughts as you shared because of Christ's redeeming love to my Mother!

[MZ]

May you feel the embrace of the God of all comfort and His abundant grace in a special way during this time. I read your book "Did I kiss marriage goodbye?" exactly around this time last year and it TRULY changed the way I view my femininity and singleness, God bless you! "Let your steadfast love comfort me according to your promise to your servant." (Psalms 119:76)

[Lora Silsbee]

I too am sending my love and deepest sympathies to you right now, Carolyn. Praying for our Lord to continue to comfort and strengthen you as you grieve.
Your friend, Lora Silsbee

[Lynn]

I offer my condolences and am praying for you and your family. Thank you for posting such encouraging words in your time of loss.

[Connie Omari]

May God be with you during this difficult time. She's beautiful... May her soul rest in perfect peace

[Rachel McC]

somehow I missed this post. I am so so sorry for your loss. I know it's been a (only) a month now, I will be praying for extra grace

[Niki]

Sending out hugs to you Carolyn. I pray for the peace of God to overwhelm you. Though we often can't make sense of God's dealings, please remember to rest in the comfort of knowing that our God is wise and good. He loves you. Our times are in His hands and our good and His glory are at the forefront. Live in the hope of Christ. Your separation from your mother is only temporary, God has promised.

[Philippa]

Dear Carolyn,

I am so deeply sorry to hear about your mother’s death. What a lovely photo of her – she looks like such a beautiful lady, inside and out!

Last year, I lost my housemate of 22 years, and a very close friend, to cancer – a very traumatic and untimely death. Her serenity and faith during her weeks in hospital were phenomenal.

One of the verses that helped me stay strong was Isaiah 26:3: “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.”

Whilst going through a bereavement, I don’t feel like reading too many books on loss and grief, but there are three books which I found very helpful: Jerry Sittser’s ‘A Grace Disguised’, Nancy Guthrie’s ‘Holding onto Hope’ and Steve Griffith’s ‘God of the Valley’.

Much grace, love and peace to you and your family, and many prayers.

Philippa
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[Carolyn McCulley]

Thank you all for your kind encouragement to me. I really appreciate your notes of sympathy!