Radical Womanhood

In Sickness and In Health

Dave and Diana Kendall have been married for about 37 years, the last ten of which have severely tested their wedding vows of "in sickness and in health." At 48, Diana was diagnosed with Huntington's Disease and their marriage, as they knew it, was dramatically altered. Since then, Dave has been her primary caretaker.

Their story--and their Christian faith--was showcased in today's Washington Post Magazine. I was delighted that the Post neither dismissed nor glossed over the religious commitment that undergirds their marriage. In fact, the author, Liza Mundy, included a discussion she had with Dave about the controversial Ephesians 5 passage about marriage, a poignant commentary in light of the way Dave is caring for Diana as his "own flesh" (Ephesians 5:28-30).

In thinking about love, Dave thought a lot about marriage. For years, he had studied Ephesians, in which Paul somewhat problematically describes marriage, saying, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord." His sisters found this directive sexist, but Dave argued that it does not, in fact, give the man the upper hand.

"I think people misinterpret it," he says. "It talks about the woman being submissive to the man, but it also talks about the husband loving his wife as much as Christ loves the church. The man should give his life for his wife. It talks about how you should leave your mom and dad and cleave to your spouse." It is this idea, of marriage as a mutual cleaving, that sustains him.

"If I didn't have that as a core value, I don't know what would keep me fighting the battle. Without something that gives me some higher reason, I would probably lose a lot of the strength that I have."

Love alone, he thinks, wouldn't be enough to keep him committed to Diana. He likes to argue this point with their daughter, who feels that she's witnessing a different, more transcendental love. "Being a woman," she says, "you think of your knight in shining armor, and you think of all these dreamy metaphors growing up. But you start to learn a different principle of love when you see this -- that marriage goes beyond fairy tale love."

"The Vow" is a sobering but grace-drenched portrait of a marriage tested by illness. It's well-worth your time to read. I would also encourage you to pray for the Kendalls and others affected by long-term diseases such as Huntington's.

A Helpmate's Correction

I'm still offline, but I expect to return to the computer next week. In the meantime, I'm wrapping up a week of connecting you with other cyber-friends in my absence. (And this is just a sampling of the great bloggers I read!) Today, I'm pointing you to a priceless resource from the first blogger I ever knew -- Carolyn Mahaney. She and her daughters started the popular girltalk blog several years ago and have amassed there a huge collection of wisdom for daily life. But what I want to draw your attention to is an incredibly helpful message she gave at Sovereign Grace Ministries' 2007 Leadership Conference, titled, "Watch Your Man." (Bonus: it's a free download!)

In this message, Carolyn outlines how a wife’s role means that she is uniquely graced to provide her husband with helpful counsel--and insightful correction. As she notes, God will use a wife’s different life experiences, strengths, gifts, and viewpoints to complement her husband:

Now this should give us faith for how God can use us to serve our husbands. God will give us specific wisdom and counsel for them. We will have unique insight that can serve them in their relationship with God and in their relationship with others. We possess discernment that will help them effectively lead our family. And we have a responsibility to exercise these gifts of wisdom and discernment that God has given us for our husband’s good, both in his personal life and in his leadership role. Now most of the time, this will involve communicating our support and encouragement, or simply sharing our perspective on a matter or giving him counsel and advice, but on occasion, it will include bringing him correction, as well.

In this message, Carolyn provides a biblical perspective on the necessity of being a "biblically faithful friend" who will bring the well-timed rebuke, even as a wife. And she helps wives understand when and how to do this graciously and redemptively. (Single ladies -- don't click away! This is valuable instruction for every woman to have.)

(Photo: C.J. and Carolyn Mahaney, taken by their daughter, Janelle.)

Women Praying Boldly

My friend, Candice Watters, has a new book out with the intriguing title, Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help It Happen (Moody). She kindly sent me a copy, but all my fun reading has to wait until I pass my own book-writing deadline.

In the meantime, she has an excerpt running on Boundless this week, titled "Marriage: An Idol?" One line is especially intriguing: "Where we most often sin in our desire for marriage is not in worshiping marriage itself, but in doubting God's ability to bring it about." That line rang true. Whenever I talk to either single men or women, many express a kind of "hope fatigue" and resignation on this issue, with a strong current of unbelief toward God. Or they express doubt God could provide a spouse whom they would truly enjoy and find attractive. (As if there are all these couples around who married people they found unattractive and boring!)

As a result of her book, Candice has started a "Women Praying Boldly" community site. I applaud her emphasis on prayer. As I wrote back in 2006 on this blog, several friends and I did the same thing -- we formed an online group and fasted and prayed the first of every month, asking God to bless the men in our church and to bring husbands to us. And God provided many husbands! In fact, another woman from this group just got engaged a few weeks ago. That puts our group at five married (two with new babies already) and two engaged, out of a total of 15 women who ranged from early 20s to late 40s (and the brides were from both ends of the spectrum)! Unfortunately, the group lost steam after a bit--maybe I should start it up again!

To those of you who are married, I saw that Candice addresses how married couples are a valuable resource for single women. I encourage you to strongly consider this, because I agree with Candice that the God who designed marriage is still in the matchmaking business today -- and that those already married can be used by God as wonderful mentors and networkers for singles. I've often said that many marriages I know started with a married couple asking a single man, "So have you ever considered [insert here name of woman he's always hanging out with, but never seeming to notice]?" Sometimes it takes a gentle nudge to change focus.

 

Heartfelt Words

Score another one for biblical wisdom. I found this nugget a few weeks ago in The New York Times. "Marital Spats, Taken to Heart" unwittingly proves that what Scripture says makes for a godly, fruitful and peaceful marriage is exactly what is needed for healthy hearts, too (the emphasis is mine):

Utah researchers have videotaped 150 couples to measure the effect that marital arguing style has on heart risk. The men and women were mostly in their 60s, had been married on average for more than 30 years and had no signs of heart disease. The couples were given stressful topics to discuss, like money or household chores, and the comments made during the ensuing arguments were categorized as warm, hostile, controlling or submissive. The men and women also underwent heart scans to measure coronary artery calcium, an indicator of heart disease risk.

The researchers found that the style of argument detected in the video sessions was a powerful predictor for a man or woman’s risk for underlying heart disease. In fact, the way the couple interacted was as important a heart risk factor as whether they smoked or had high cholesterol, says Timothy W. Smith, a psychology professor at the University of Utah, who presented the study last year to the American Psychosomatic Society.

For women, whether a husband’s arguing style was warm or hostile had the biggest effect on her heart health. Dr. Smith notes that in a fight about money, for instance, one man said, “Did you pass elementary school math?” But another said, “Bless you, you are not so good with the checkbook, but you’re good at other things.” In both exchanges, the husband was criticizing his wife’s money management skills, but the second comment was infused with a level of warmth. In the study, a warm style of arguing by either spouse lowered the wife’s risk of heart disease.

But arguing style affected men and women differently. The level of warmth or hostility had no effect on a man’s heart health. For a man, heart risk increased if disagreements with his wife involved a battle for control. And it didn’t matter whether he or his wife was the one making the controlling comments. An example of a controlling argument style showed up in one video of a man arguing with his wife about money. “You really should just listen to me on this,” he told her.

What’s particularly notable about the study is that the men and women filled out standard questionnaires about the quality of their relationships, but those answers were not a good predictor of cardiovascular risk. The difference in risk showed up only when the quality of the couple’s bickering style was assessed.

Interesting, isn't it? Here's what Scripture tells us:

"Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them." (Colossians 3:18-19 ESV)

"Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." (1 Peter 3:1-2 NIV)

"Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." (1 Peter 3:17 ESV)

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. . . . Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." (Ephesians 5:1-2; 22-33 NIV)

God commands wives not to battle their husbands for control, but to trust God to lead them through their husbands. So what does this study find? Men biologically respond to the battle for control. In the same way, God commands men to love their wives with honor, consideration, and as he loves himself. And what does this study find? Women biologically respond to belittling words, words that communicate a lack of respect, honor or consideration.

In any of our relationships, let us strive to "be imitators of God" and live a life of love, remembering the impact of our words on the souls--and bodies--of those around us.

(Photo illustration courtesy of The New York Times.)

When Sinners Say 'I Do'

When I review the various interviews that I've conducted with married women since the beginning of the year, their answers are surprisingly similar when it comes to applying the doctrine of sin and the gospel of grace to marriage. But some of you may find that to be weird or just plain unappealing. Where's the romance? you might be asking. Romance definitely needs to be cultivated in marriage, but it won't last long if you don't know how to address the fact that you, a flawed human being, are married to another flawed human being. Grace is the soil in which romance flourishes--and grace is not possible without the Cross.

That's why I think everyone ought to read a brand-new book titled When Sinners Say 'I Do': Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage, by Dave Harvey.

This book is not just useful for those who are married, though that obviously is its direct application. As I read it, I kept thinking about how most of these principles are applicable in any close relationship. In fact, I just recommended this book to a woman who asked how to reconcile conflict with her housemate. (I also recommended Ken Sande's The Peacemaker for a basic overview of biblical conflict resolution.) But if you, like most of us, have hopes of being married one day, then this book must be on your reading list. As Dave writes: "If you are married, or soon to be married, you are discovering that your marriage is not a romance novel. Marriage is the union of two people who arrive toting the luggage of life. And that luggage always contains sin."

Sin, sin, sin. Does this sound like it would be a dreary book? Well, the good news is that it is not! Dave brings a humorous and light touch to a heavy subject, creating a winsome and appealing approach to an important topic. I read it very quickly the first time, but there's much to go back and mull over. For example, if you have been reading this blog from the beginning of the year, you may have noticed how often these married women referred to themselves as "the worst of sinners." It's not that we rank and measure sin among ourselves; that phrase refers to what the Apostle Paul wrote: "The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost" (1 Tim. 1:15). Dave explains this verse in this way:

First, it's clear that Paul is not trying to objectively compare himself to every other human being, because most of them he had never met! This tells us that his focus is not primarily outward. It's inward. He's also not suggesting that his moral character is bankrupt or his spiritual maturity is zero. He is simply talking about what goes on in his own heart.

He is saying, in effect, "Look, I know my sin. And what I've seen in my own heart is darker and more awful; it's more proud, selfish, and self-exalting; and it's more consistently and regularly in rebellion against God than anything I have glimpsed in the heart of anyone else. As far as I can see, the biggest sinner I know is me."

. . . Now let's look at the very next verse. "But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life" (1 Timothy 1:16).

With the passing of each day, two things grew larger for Paul: his sinfulness in light of the holiness of God, and God's mercy in the face of his sin. Knowing both God and himself accurately was not at all discouraging or depressing. Rather, it deepened his gratitude for the vastness of God's mercy in redeeming him, and the patience of Christ in continuing to love and identify with him in his daily struggle against sin. . . .

But once I find 1 Timothy 1:15-16 trustworthy--once I can embrace it with full acceptance--once I know that I am indeed the worst of sinners, then my spouse is no longer my biggest problem: I am. And when I find myself walking in the shoes of the worst of sinners, I will make every effort to grant my spouse the same lavish grace that God has granted me.

Dave spends the first four chapters addressing the doctrine of sin and why we need to have a healthy suspicion of our own hearts and motives before seeking to address the hearts and motives of others. But some of the greatest "gold," in my opinion, is found in chapters five and six, when Dave addresses mercy and forgiveness.

In the Bible, mercy weds the severe obligation of justice with the warmth of personal relationship. Mercy explains how a holy and loving God can relate to sinners without compromising who he is. God doesn't thump his chest and parade this attribute, as if it's unique to him but unattainable by us. He gives it to us freely, a gift to pass along. "Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful" (Luke 6:36). . . . This also raises some important questions for sinners who say "I do." Do you know God as a God of mercy? Do you see your spouse as God sees him or her--through the eyes of mercy?

The last two chapters will be a surprise to most people. The second to last is titled "Concerning Sex." But it's not a chapter that unmarried people have to skip. It simply addresses how sex in marriage should be a grand adventure, and then examines the selfish, sinful reasons that hinder the joy of married sex. The final chapter is poignantly sweet. It is titled "When Sinners Say Goodbye," and it is subtitled "Time, Aging, and Our Glorious Hope." Referring to the truth of our daily outward decline but inward spiritual renewal (2 Corinthians 4:16), Dave writes:

A maturing marriage is one that sees all the way to the finish line and beyond. As married Christians, God bestows upon us the extraordinary honor of nurturing and celebrating the inner renewal while also caring for the outer decay. It's an adventure in irony, made possible by the gospel, the only real treasure in our brittle jars of clay. Not every married Christian sees this clearly. But joy awaits those who do.

A Marriage Story

(We're continuing yesterday's interview with Kelly McMillen. In today's post, she answers my question about how she met and married Rob. I trust this story will encourage many women who are balancing an interest in a particular friend with cheerful trust in the Lord's timing.)

My husband and I had known each other for almost 3 years when he asked me into a courtship. We had been in a small group together and had grown to be friends. I always thought we related well together. During that time, I respected and admired him, and looked for ways to encourage him whenever I could. I think from shortly after I met him, I always knew I would be open to him if he pursued me. But by God’s grace, I didn’t really dwell on it at all. I thought he was a great “catch” and would be a blessing to whomever he married. I knew of his desire for marriage and would pray at times for God to bless him in this pursuit by leading him to his wife…and I was able to pray this in sincerity, without even thinking it would be me!

When God finally led him to consider me for courtship, he has told me that he really didn’t have a sense that “this is the woman I want to marry," but just felt like he was being led to pursue courtship with me. He had prayed regularly about the women in his relational circle and said that my name was always there among others that he prayed about. He said that in the end of this particular season just prior to our courtship, he felt like there were two women that God was leading him to prayerfully consider – me and one other. God providentially closed the door on the other one, so then he began to consider and pray about me exclusively, which probably lasted about a month or so. During this time, and even before this time, he had been encouraged by several men to consider me (unbeknownst to me, of course). He also told me later that he had noticed the way I frequently encouraged him and sensed that I might be open to him. During that last month he stepped up his interaction with me in appropriate ways. We still didn’t do anything “one-on-one” until our courtship began, which served me greatly because I didn’t have to go through that phase of “I wonder if he’s singling me out or if it’s just my imagination!” But, for example, when we were together for group activities, the two of us would ride together, or spend significant portions of time talking together. And we did, on at least a couple of occasions, do things in smaller groups (where it was the two of us and maybe only one or two other people), which I believe brought our friendship into closer focus.

Well, when he did ask me into a courtship, I was SO excited and joyful in my response, since the Lord had placed him on my heart for such a long time. He has told me that my immediate excitement and joy to enter into that season with him really blessed him and almost immediately heightened his feelings for me. I truly believe the Lord had this all planned out such that my unhesitating response to him was going to be what would draw him to me, since he had prayed for this type of response from the right woman. I was truly honored to be walking in courtship with him and this, to him, was like a confirmation from the Lord that he had properly heard the Lord’s calling into this relationship.

Because of our long friendship, including being in the same small group together, and the fact that I didn’t have any concerns about his character, it was a short time before we started talking about marriage. We began talking about it in a general sense on our date nights, during which we were reading through that Journal of Biblical Counseling article “Should We Get Married?” by John Yenchko and David Powlison, which is basically a list of the most important questions that prospective couples should talk through before getting engaged. We were holding that question loosely, using the article as an opportunity to get to know each other through the answering of these questions and trying to discern whether God was confirming our continued relationship or raising any red flags.

It was about 6 weeks into our courtship that he made clear to me he was considering engagement for us and wanted to confirm that I was on the same page (which I was!). At this point we began to talk through specifics of what that might look like. For example, he let me know the general timing he was considering (which I found helpful but some women might find unhelpful – like if it ended up being longer!). Also, he asked me about whether the element of surprise would bless me (um, yes!) and aimed to get an idea of what other considerations would bless me in the marriage proposal.

So then it was about another 7 weeks or so before he asked me to marry him. (This was, by the way, consistent with the expectation he had set for me in our earlier discussion about timing, while still being a surprise proposal!) He used this time mostly to seek input from pastors and other men in his life, and to plan the proposal itself. So our courtship was about 3 months and then our engagement was about 7 months.

I appreciate his leadership in the area of purity during this time. While there were a lot of times we were tempted to push the boundaries of what was appropriate or helpful, I must commend him on his commitment to honoring the Lord and me, and sticking to the goals we had established early on. We both had the conviction, as I believe Joshua Harris had written, that purity was not a line but a direction, and that it would be foolish for us to kiss or engage in other types of physical contact and not expect that it would simply feed the temptation to go ‘too far’ or at the very least cause us to struggle with impure thoughts, since we felt that impure thoughts dishonor God’s plan just as much as impure actions. We are so grateful that our first kiss was on our wedding day, after being pronounced husband and wife – what a precious memory that is to us now!

Also, it became clear to me more and more during our engagement just how much of a servant leader he was. He actively led through all the wedding preparation and served me by not letting me get overwhelmed by all the tasks. He wisely discerned when something needed to be taken off my plate and we would either not do it at all, or he would do it for me.

There were more opportunities for conflict during the engagement, mostly due to the sheer number of decisions to be made, the volume of tasks to be completed, and the way it took its toll on our physical energy level at times. But neither one of us ever had the sense that we shouldn’t move forward with marriage. Thankfully, we knew that the important thing was not how much or how little conflict we were having, but whether we were growing in working through it biblically. This work would continue after we got married and continues to this day, more than 2 years into our marriage. But we can see so much growth, by God’s grace!

Killing An Attitude of Entitlement

The series we began in January about the good goal of getting married lives on! Today, I'm pleased to feature an interview with Kelly McMillen, the bride of Rob McMillen and new mother of Dorothy Rose. (Previous interviews are archived in the About Marriage blog category.) The goal of these interviews is to help us think both biblically and realistically about marriage and what life is like when the honeymoon is over and the real living begins. I've been grateful for the women who have been willing to share their experiences and insights with us.

1. In what area were you the least prepared to be a wife? What would you have done differently as a single woman to prepare for this? Well…the only thing that comes to mind is that I would have spent more time cultivating a biblical view of myself as the "worst of sinners"…recognizing that I am constantly in need of God’s sanctifying grace, that I’m unable to change anything in my own strength, and that I’m never going to be finished with the business of being sanctified. Since becoming a wife, I am much more aware of my sinfulness and my need for a Savior on a daily basis. As a single person it was easy to minimize my sin or not even see certain sins being expressed, because most times there was no context that would squeeze it from me in the way that a marriage relationship does. Seeing my sin more specifically and frequently (and against this person whom I love more than any other!) both surprised me and tempted me to despair and condemnation. I realized that, at least in my life, condemnation and despair are evidences of a reverse type of pride: I would not be despairing unless I had believed myself to be above sinning in that way, and I would not feel condemned unless I were believing the lie that Christ’s sacrifice for me wasn’t enough, like God didn’t really know what he was doing in planning my redemption or that he didn’t know all the ways I was going to sin. Praise God that the grace that saves us is the same grace that leads us and helps us grow for the rest of our Christian lives!

2. What does being a helpmate look like in your marriage? This is a big question, so I can think of a few ways to answer it. Also, after writing out this response, I realized that I should qualify it by saying that I don’t do these things anywhere near faithfully or perfectly. So this is what a helpmate SHOULD look like in my marriage and what I aspire to do!
(1) Praying for him daily and caring for him biblically (pointing him to God) when he is struggling. Actively looking for ways to encourage him and thank him for evidences of grace. Refraining from criticism unless I have spent time in prayer about it and sense the Holy Spirit guiding me to bring it graciously, as an observation, at an appropriate time, and out of pure motives (love for him as opposed to how this will make my life easier or better).
(2) Responding to the priorities he has established in the realms of caring for the home, such as cooking, cleaning, food shopping, errands, and any other tasks he delegates to me. (Perhaps I should mention that in the first year of our marriage, while I was still working full-time, this looked a LOT different than it does now. At that time, the priorities he had for me were different and were realistic given the fact that I was juggling working outside the home with caring for the home.)
(3) In this season, it also means supporting him in the ministry team that he leads.
(4) Regularly sharing my “to do” list with him and asking him if anything should be removed or added, which items are his priorities for me to do, etc. Then, I should do whatever I can to serve him on a daily basis, even if it means that items I’d rather get done don’t get done.
(5) Providing companionship in ways that are meaningful to him. In our marriage this includes things like getting up early to have breakfast with him, not only so I can prepare it for him but also because he appreciates spending a little time with me in the morning. It also includes joyfully greeting him when he comes home at the end of the day, relaxing with him when he desires to relax together (even if my ‘to do’ list beckons), giving him my attention when he wants to talk (even if I am tempted to be distracted by something else).

3. What was the biggest surprise to you after marriage? I think I may have believed that submission, as biblically defined, would be easier than it actually is. I had such a desire to be married, to serve a godly husband, and to learn how to be a godly, submissive wife. So I guess perhaps I thought this strong desire would make me better at it. (Ha ha!) I never anticipated how many times we would disagree on small things, mostly matters of preference, and how I was not at all entitled to have my own way on these things just because they were small, or just because they fell under the category of home management, or for any other reason. (Just to give you an idea, I’m talking about dumb little things like how long to store an opened jar of spaghetti sauce in the fridge before it gets thrown away.) My husband might make a decision at times based on my input, but he’s not obligated to do this. This attitude of ‘entitlement’ to have my own way was probably the biggest thing I had to work to put to death early in our marriage. An important verse for me was Philippians 2:5-8: “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” If my Savior, who was in the form of God, humbled himself, took the form of a servant, and obeyed to the point of death, how much more should I, as a weak, sinful person, be willing to humble myself and die to myself and my own preferences daily? I needed to learn to trust that God has sovereignly and lovingly placed me under my husband’s leadership, and that unless his decisions are leading me into sin, I can joyfully follow him knowing that ultimately the Lord has good for both of us in it. This is easier said than done when I think he’s making a poor decision or one that I don’t agree with – but even at those times, or especially at those times, it’s important for me to obey the Lord and submit to my husband. Sometimes, the Lord wants to teach him something through a mistake that he makes. More often, though, I find that he wants to humble me by showing me that what I thought was a mistake was really the path of wisdom!

4. How do you think single woman should pursue/prepare for marriage?
(1) Spend time with married couples or married ladies and ask them these kinds of questions! Also, once they know you well, ask them to tell you what they see in you as the areas where you could most grow in your preparedness for marriage. (Then, make a plan for growing in these areas.)
(2) Involve yourself with godly married couples or families whenever and however possible – this might be by living with them, or serving them by babysitting or other practical ways – not only for the purpose of getting to know them, which is great, but also to get a real-life vision for what God requires in marriage and how it is lived out on a daily basis. (You can also get their help in practical skills where you know you need to grow – whether it’s cooking, cleaning, budgeting, basic home improvement tasks, child care, or whatever other skills might serve your future marriage.)
(3) Practice humble, biblical self-assessment and conflict resolution. In particular, I would say, learn to recognize the sin of sinful judgment in your life. When you are tempted to judge someone, put Matthew 7:1-5 into practice and learn how to find the log that is in your own eye, regardless of how obvious and blatant the sin of others may appear to you. When you are in conflict with another person, be quick to humble yourself, confess your own sin without defending it or accusing them in the process, and ask their forgiveness. Be quick to forgive the other person (whether they ask for it or not) and then work on not keeping a record of their wrongs.
(4) Practice seeking the input of others on decisions ranging from small to large. Then, don’t just ignore it if it doesn’t agree with what you were inclined to decide, but humbly ask yourself if there is any wisdom for you in the counsel you are being given (especially if multiple people are giving you the same counsel!)
(5) Actively look for ways to serve the needs of others ahead of your own. Work to die to your own preferences whenever possible!
(6) Look for ways to encourage the men in your circle to lead. Don’t try to be the ‘leader’ in group situations where there are men present, even if those men might not be the strongest leaders you know. If you really feel like you have unique gifting appropriate for the situation, perhaps ask them what you can do to help, rather than just ‘taking charge’. It will help you to practice a peaceful and gentle spirit in preparation for what it looks like to submit in marriage, and it will encourage growth in their leadership.
(7) Read great books on the biblical role of a wife like Feminine Appeal, The Excellent Wife, The Fruit of Her Hands, and Reforming Marriage. Figure out which parts you can apply to your life as a single woman, and use them to get a realistic vision for what it will look like to be the kind of wife that God requires.
(8) Practice a consistent devotional life, characterized by lots of Scripture reading and application, humble self-evaluation, and prayer for others.

5. What is one thing about men you learned after marriage? I think I have learned, and am learning, that biblical leadership is just as hard for them as biblical submission is for us. (Just look at Genesis 3 - it’s because of the fall, in both cases!) I think I was tempted in the beginning to think that men have it easier than women because as leaders, they have the final say on decisions. But they bear a lot of responsibility in this regard. They are one day going to be held accountable before God for how they led their wife and family. Not to mention the fact that their leadership should be primarily characterized by sacrificial love. So, it isn’t enough for them to just be good decision-makers. God knows their hearts and sees when they are leading sacrificially versus when they are leading from self-interest. But my encouragement to them would be that God’s grace is ever-present and will meet any of them right where they are to help them grow. It really will! God is all about glorifying himself in this process of sanctifying men and making them good Biblical leaders. And furthermore, it is ultimately the shed blood of Jesus that makes them acceptable before God, not how many instances of sacrificial leadership they can point to in their lives.

[Tomorrow's post will be about their courtship and engagement, from Kelly's perspective. But you can get a head start by reading a bit of Rob's perspective. He added a comment to last month's "How Do You Crack Twigs, Exactly?" post--it's the last on that thread.]

Joni On Marriage

I am a pushover for a good love story. That's why I'm recommending you check out this interview from a few weeks back with Joni Eareckson Tada and Nancy Leigh DeMoss on Revive Our Hearts. In it, Joni tells how she met her husband, Ken, and what an embarrassing first date they had. But as much as I appreciate the "how we met" story, I am even more grateful for Joni's candid glimpse into the daily challenges of her marriage and how she is now even more in love with her husband. The "how we grew together" stories are always better than the "how we met" testimonies.

One Flesh for the Glory of God

Greetings from Greensboro, North Carolina! As I'm on the road again for another video shoot, I'm going to be brief here and point you to a new sermon series on marriage by John Piper. Whether you like to read, listen, or watch sermons, the Desiring God website makes it possible to pick your preference. Here are some of the recent titles in the series:

- Marriage: Forgiving and Forbearing

- Marriage: Pursuing Conformity to Christ in the Covenant

- Staying Married Is Not About Staying in Love (Part 2)

The entire series, "Marriage, Christ, and Covenant: One Flesh for the Glory of God," is archived on the Desiring God site. For those of you who enjoy hearing the stories of how people met and married, here's the story of how John met Noël.

There's lots of good stuff in these links. Enjoy! 

Both Sides of the Story

I think Valentine’s week is a great time to hear from another married woman in our ongoing series about preparation for marriage. But in this case, we get to hear both sides, as I had an unusual opportunity to conduct this live interview with a couple. Kudos to Allan and Meg for being willing to talk so openly about their two-year dating relationship and their 14 years of marriage.

Meg, in what area were you the least prepared to be a wife?

Meg: I was unprepared in every area. I couldn’t make more than popcorn and cereal! But the area I was least prepared for, and probably the area I’m still working on, is submitting my plans, my will, and my determination to my husband. I really didn’t see—and still struggle to see—things from his point of view. When we have a difference of opinion, I’m still appalled to find out how he could see something so differently. That’s just plain old arrogance on my part.

What would you have done differently as a single woman to prepare for this?

Meg: I didn’t have the teaching that I have now. I do believe that had I received a lot of the teaching that you’re giving out—as well as the stuff on Girl Talk and all the teaching on biblical womanhood—I think I would have approached aspects of my marriage very differently. I can recall a time in our marriage where we were considering starting a family and I wrestled with that so much. It was a spiritual oppression, I believe. I was so upset thinking that I’d have to pour my life into my children, that my life would just be serving my husband and children, and that I wouldn’t be rewarded for that. I don’t think I had been taught, nor had I gleaned it myself from the Word of God, that my position as a wife and mother would be serving others! In fact, that’s position of every Christian.

Allan: I’d like to add something here about our pervasive culture of selfishness. We’ve been bred, encouraged and coddled in a self-absorbed ethic. We’re told that we deserve things, we deserve the best, we should always have what we want—and the simple fact is that life doesn’t work that way. Life works best when you get a grasp of the fact that it’s not all about you. There’s a tremendous freedom and relief and paradoxical enrichment in that. Because as you start to see that we are who we are through other people, through those we can impact, then the world becomes bigger than ourselves. And there’s a type of fulfillment in that. The people who are remembered and really loved are not the ones who get the most for themselves, but the people who give the most of themselves.

Meg: That’s true. Recently, I’ve been thinking about our American motto of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” You can’t have happiness without the pursuit of life and liberty. You can’t have your own freedom at the expense of others. When we put our own happiness as the highest priority in our pursuits, then there’s little pursuit of serving others. So as a single woman, the culture around me, and the lack of teaching I received in my church then, fostered my sinful mindset of “what’s in this for me?”

Allan, since I have you here, let me ask you the same question. How do you feel you were the least prepared to be a husband?

Allan: I didn’t fully realize the need for transparency and honesty in marriage. Men like to make decisions and we can often times make decisions unilaterally, feeling we don’t need to consult our wife or we can fill her in later. And that can cause a lot of pain and awkwardness. We can also feel—since God gave us the responsibility of being head of the home—that we should not be questioned. That’s an incomplete picture. Even if we do have the authority and the right, that does not extend to the husband the right of callous disregard of the wife’s viewpoint or whatever it is we are committing our family to do.

What would you have done differently to prepare to be a husband?

Allan: Well, I can tell you first something that we did right to prepare—and that was the six months of premarital counseling we had. I would tell anyone that premarital counseling should be mandatory. But I didn’t have a good grasp of biblical courtship. I tried to accommodate Christian morality with a worldly view of dating and pushed that boundary as far as I could. I used a lot of pressure tactics to get my own way—is that a fair statement, honey?

Meg: Yes, probably.

Allan: I wasn’t as prayerful in my dealings with Meg as I should have been, and I rarely sought the counsel of other men. Honestly, I think we could have been married a year earlier if I had been more humble.

Meg: Maybe, but a lot of that delay was my own stubbornness, too. And you were just beginning your Christian walk.

Allan: Yeah, but I didn’t give you a lot of reasons to trust me. I have always struggled with opening up and getting godly input from other men. Historically, I have not built the relationships with men that I have needed, which has negatively affected our marriage. I wish I had seen the importance of that when I was single.

How does Meg function as a helpmate in your marriage?

Allan: The first thing that comes to mind is the way she helps my career. Because she was a CPA, Meg has fulfilled the role of financial director for the two companies I’ve built—something she’s been able to do from home. That has been a big help to me and I’m grateful she had those skills! Moreover, she’s a part of my joys and a part of my concerns professionally. I’m glad we can share this aspect of my work life.

Second, we have a shared vision and commitment to home-schooling our children, to communicating a biblical worldview with solid instruction. Together, we make our children think. We expose them to the world and to real issues. We challenge their minds and then listen to what they have to say—and they amaze us.

These are significant things that mean a great deal to me. I’ve seen husbands not fully involved in their wives’ home-schooling and I think that’s a shame. I read the curriculum. I want to know what’s being taught. I take my job as the “principal and superintendent of school” seriously. I even get to declare snow days!

What was the biggest surprise to you after marriage?

Meg: The biggest surprise to me was that I didn’t just marry Allan, but I married him and all that came with him—including his extended family members. Because I met him outside the context of his family, I didn’t realize that I would now have additional members to my family, too. At first, I considered this an intrusion on my dream. Sure, I accepted Allan. I loved Allan. But did this mean that I had to accept and love these people, too? But that's also where I've seen God pour out the greatest measure of grace in my life, and I'm glad for this lesson.

What area of homemaking was the biggest challenge to you as a new wife?

Meg: I think it would be planning and cooking meals. When I was single, I would just eat when I was hungry and graze the kitchen until I found something that fit my taste buds. But now with a family, I have to consider many more people and their preferences and needs. It was, and still is, one of the biggest time management issues for me.

Allan, what area of being a husband was the biggest challenge to you?

Allan: Leading. It’s one thing to lead yourself. It’s another thing to recognize the awesome responsibility and seriousness of leading a wife and children. The responsibility of setting an example, being a spiritual leader, and exercising authority with wisdom and compassion, and yet firmness when needed. How to be firm without being angry—that’s still something that I wrestle with. It’s a challenge to me.

I would also add, earning respect more than commanding it. There’s a requirement to be consistent, knowing that these little eyes are looking at me, taking it all in, and feeding it right back to me, all that they see. Leading a business is very different from leading a family. In a business, if someone doesn’t perform, you can fire him or her and hire someone new. Families come with all their own warts, limitations, and failures, but there’s no turning back. You have the family God gave you and you must build with them. I love my family—they’re incredible, they absolutely amaze me. But families require a different kind of leadership. And it comes with a special type of grace.