I'm part of the conversation this week on the Revive Our Hearts radio program with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. It's a conversation some friends and I recorded last fall as part of the True Woman 101: Divine Design video curriculum. This segment is about men and women. And as I (predictably) quipped, "I’m so excited we are talking about the differences between men and women today because I love talking about men. It’s my favorite topic!"
I hope you'll enjoy the conversation, too.
It's the second day of filming the True Woman Table Talk discussions and there's a lot of talking going on around here. We are recording eight hour-long sessions over two days, and yesterday Paula Hendricks (who typing the transcript) said we spoke more than 12,000 words. I don't doubt that!
Paula has also been writing about these video sessions on the True Woman blog. Her first post gave a little behind-the-scenes flavor for this shoot:
Thanks so much for praying for Nancy and Mary Kassian’s True Woman 101: Divine Design video shoot. Please don’t stop! While a video shoot is exciting, it’s also a little crazy, chaotic, and exhausting. All the panelists but Karen Loritts have arrived (she gets in tonight), and Carolyn McCulley’s voice is BACK (thank You, Lord!).
If you had snuck into our darkened auditorium-turned-video-studio this morning, you would’ve seen black curtains, taped-down wires, video cameras, lights, a teleprompter, recording equipment, and people galore.
You would’ve heard things like,
Yep, definitely girly around here! While the women sat around the table (recognize it from the panel discussion at the True Woman Conferences, anyone?), a host of men and women swarmed them—touching up makeup, adjusting mics, rearranging jackets and blouses, offering content advice.
Paula summarized some of the conversation the next day, but as I write this we're still recording. It's been a fun two days and I look forward to the final products!
(Photo above: Mary Kassian, Dannah Gresh, Kimberly Wagner, Holly Elliff and Nancy Leigh DeMoss prep for one of the first sessions. Photo below: Karen Lorritts and I join Mary, Kim, and Nancy to record later sessions.)
When I was 17, I briefly attended an unbiblical church. I was drawn in by the size of the youth group and the swirl of activity. There was plenty of discussion about wealth and prosperity, satanic back-masking in rock music, and spiritual gifts. But I don't recall anyone talking about sin, repentance, sanctification, sacrifice, suffering, or living for the glory of God.
The youth ministry leader was 22 and a recent convert. Plenty of rumors swirled around him, but I gave them no credit until he invited me over to his townhouse. When he acted just like the non-churched men I knew and attempted to initiate a sexual relationship, I called him out. Then I turned him in to the senior pastor. As similar situations surfaced with other girls, much chaos and gossip ensued in the weeks that followed. I'd like to say that this all went down well, but it didn't. It turns out that is very costly to ignore both common sense (a single man only a few years older is leading the youth ministry?!) and Scripture's guidelines about leadership ("He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil" 1 Tim. 3:6).
In the wake of this mess, I left that church and everything else to do with Christianity. I spent the next 12 years running from God, convinced I had seen the entire spectrum of faith and it was hollow and deceptive. But God, being rich in mercy (sweet, sweet words!), arrested my attention and regenerated my heart and faith on one Easter Sunday on a trip to South Africa. While I doubt I was genuinely regenerated as a teenager (my journals show little fruit), I still ponder that early church experience from time to time and how it dishonored the gospel.
Most recently, I recalled it as I read about a youth director in a local church who for five years was sexually involved with many girls from the youth group. The church did a poor job in vetting the hiring of this man (his previous employer told them about inappropriate contact with a 14-year-old girl), in considering the doctrine of sin ("the senior pastor said he was shocked to hear that his youth director could be involved in inappropriate behavior"), and in observing and correcting his questionable public interactions with the teen girls (cuddling, personal attention, partying). What's commendable, however, is that the church has undergone a long, public transformation process to correct the problems and create a church responsive to victims of sexual abuse.
Nevertheless, over the past few months, I kept coming back to this one thought: we need to instill discernment in young girls so that they can more readily identify abusers and predators. This ought to be embedded in our Titus 2 discipleship, our parenting, and our youth group leadership. Now, please hear me out. I am not piling on condemnation for the girls who were involved in this particular case, nor their families. They have my sympathy. But as I read their accounts, I kept thinking about them and many other young women I know who have been tripped up by the same smooth lies. It's the trend I want to address.
Predators and abusers offer the same routine each time -- you're special, no one else makes me feel this way, don't tell anyone, here's the justification for my questionable behavior, what we have is unique, etc. It never varies because it so consistently works. And you know why? I'm speaking broadly here, but I believe it is generally true: because the rest of us puff up the minds of girls with princess mythologies but we don't (often) equip them to recognize that Prince Charming needs to have some character, not just sweet talk. I can't tell you how many young women I've mentored who couldn't connect those dots. And in fact, how many got defensive when you pointed out the gap between the words and deeds of the smooth dude in question.
Therefore, based on my own experience, this particular church incident, and the interactions I've had with other women, here are the initial basics of a discipling discussion about discernment that I think we should have with every budding teenager (boys need to know these standards, too):
This are just some of my initial thoughts. I'd like to hear your perspectives, too. I don't want young women to distrust men, but to be wise and discerning, able to question improper actions but also eager to encourage the godliness of others around them.
A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of meeting an email pal in person: Wendy Alsup. Wendy is a mother, author, blogger, and speaker. We were both speaking at the same event, which gave us plenty of time to talk in between sessions. One of our topics was ministry to women and how it should be shaped. Thus, when I saw her most recent post for The Gospel Coalition, I was eager to share it with you all. More on that in a moment.
Though I've been extremely busy with work and family needs these last few months, I have had one thought that I keep mulling over in my mind. My concern is that in circles that rightly value the roles of wife and mother, the discipleship focus for women can be limited to those identities. Now please understand me that though I am neither a wife or mother, I have a high view of those roles and I certainly trust my publishing and speaking record of the past decade would support that claim. But I do carry no small concern that if we define and disciple women by roles that end in this life, we are missing the greater good. We need to emphasize that female Christ-followers are co-heirs in Him, adopted into the family of God, and sisters to everyone in that redeemed family. Building upon that foundation, most women will also have the roles of wife and mother in this life. Those roles provide additional means of glorifying God, growing in godliness, and investing in the next generation. But they are not the sole way for women to do so, as our heavenly Father intends that all of His children are conformed to the image of Christ through the circumstances, roles, and life experiences that He sovereignly ordains.
Wendy does a great job of unpacking this idea in her post titled, "For Moms, Former Moms, and Wannabe Moms:"
Mother’s Day is a tricky holiday. Like any holiday, it is sweet for some and bitter for others. For some, it’s both. I remember feeling on the outside looking in on Mother’s Day, first as a single woman and then after I miscarried our first. Our church had an entrance near the nursery called the Family Entrance. Could I use it? Were we a family? I finally just used it regardless, almost as an act of defiance. Now as the mother of a 4- and 6-year-old, I can deeply appreciate someone setting aside parking near an entrance that kept me from having to walk my toddlers across a busy intersection. But at the time I was dealing with emotions that weren’t swayed by practical realities. I just wanted to be a mom. And that sign at the church entrance reminded me I wasn’t.
It is an age-old conundrum in humanity in general and Christianity in particular. How do you honor someone who has something good that you want too? How do you applaud the sacrifices of one without minimizing the suffering of the other? I don’t know exactly, but I do think there is an overarching principle that is helpful.
Motherhood is not the greatest good for the Christian woman. Whether you are a mom or not, don’t get caught up in sentimentalism that sets it up as some saintly role. The greatest good is being conformed to the image of Christ. Now, motherhood is certainly one of God’s primary tools in his arsenal for this purpose for women. But it is not the end itself. Being a mom doesn’t make you saintly. Believe me. Being a mom exposes all the ways you are a sinner, not a saint. Not being a mom and wanting to be one does too. We may long to get pregnant, looking at motherhood from afar. God sanctifies us through that longing. We may lose a pregnancy or a child, and mourn the loss of our motherhood. God conforms us to Christ through that as well. We may have a brood of children of various ages, and heaven knows God roots sin out of our hearts that way. It’s all about THE greatest good, being conformed to the image of Christ—reclaiming the image of God that he created us to bear through gospel grace. And God uses both the presence and the absence of children in the lives of his daughters as a primary tool of conforming us to Christ.
Single woman watching your biological clock tick away, I encourage you to look today at your longings through the lens of the gospel. You don’t have to deny your longing or talk yourself into a happy attitude for all the good things you can do without kids. It’s OK to mourn the loss. God said children are a blessing. But after the fall, we do not all get to experience that blessing. The gospel makes up the difference. While you are disappointed in deep ways and that disappointment is real, you will one day sit with Jesus in heaven profoundly content with his work in you through this disappointment. In heaven, you will have no longing for something you missed. You will not be disappointed. May confidence in that hope sustain you.
Married woman experiencing infertility, I encourage you with similar words. People can be callous with their words, especially in the church. But believe in confidence that God in this very moment loves you with a deep love. You may feel estranged from him, knowing that he has the power to give you that sweet infant that he has given so many around you. It seems like he is dangling a desire in front of you, teasing you with it. But understand that unfulfilled desire is a tool he uses to give you even better things—things of himself that you cannot know in easy ways. Believe in confidence that this time of waiting is not just a holding pattern with no discernible value, but it too is a blessing, albeit in disguise, as it increases your strength to run and not grow weary and to walk and not to faint. Wait on the Lord, dear sister, in confidence.
And mom who fails her children regularly (because that’s everyone else), preach the gospel to yourself this day. If you have any grasp on your reality, you are likely painfully aware of every failure you’ve made with your children. And maybe you are fatigued by the fears of future failure as well. It’s okay that your children expose your own sin. In fact, it’s the mom who doesn’t seem daily aware of her failures that most concerns me. Christ has made the way for you to be at peace. If you sinned against your kids, ask their forgiveness. If you are kicking yourself for your failures, preach God’s grace to yourself. Don’t learn to live with your sin—don’t embrace it with the attitude “that’s just how I am.” But don’t deny it either. Be honest about it. You sinned. You confess. God forgives. You get up and walk forward in confidence. It’s called gospel grace, and THAT is the legacy to leave your children.
By the way, the conference at which Wendy and I spoke (along with Holly Stratton, pictured above) addressed the "jewel of contentment." If the issues that swirl around the topic of motherhood elicit discontentment in you, I recommend you check out those messages.
(Photo, from left: I am standing with Holly Stratton and Wendy Alsup.)
Spring is always a crazy travel season for me, which means I get to meet more of you all in person but be less present on the blog. So my apologies for the recent silence. However, I am glad to say that I may be able to make up for it a little bit this coming week as I attend The Gospel Coalition conference in Chicago. My pastor is sending me specifically to sit under the training of Kathleen Nielsen and learn more about teaching the Bible to other women.
In fact, I want to give a big shout-out to my pastor, Eric Simmons, for suggesting that my church, Redeemer Church of Arlington, send me to this event. He and the elders of my church wanted Redeemer to make that investment in me as I facilitate the women's Bible studies in our church. I do not do that work alone. I am assisted in this endeavor by a team of faithful friends who have each leading one of those groups--and Eric has told these ladies that the church will get them whatever study resources they need to do this. The reason I mention all this is that I was greatly encouraged that my pastors and elders appreciate these labors and want to invest in us as we serve other women in our church, and I want to encourage that model.
I am also looking forward to hearing Zambian pastor Conrad Mbewe speak on Wednesday evening. Having filmed in Zambia and having just wrapped a film in Botswana, I am eager to hear more about this pastor's vision for the churches he is planting in both nations and beyond.
I look forward to posting little updates and thoughts throughout the conference as I am able. So keep an eye on this blog as I share what I've been able to glean.
The last of the True Woman conferences was held this past weekend in Ft. Worth, TX. Tim Challies was among the blogging team there and he brought his wife, Aileen, with him. It was a pleasure to meet Aileen after reading about her for years! You can check out what Tim posted (on momentum and on the definition of a true woman), as well as what others on the True Woman blogging team posted. But even better: the True Woman team has posted all the messages from all three events online! You can even create a True Woman event for your own church or small group by downloading the leader's kit.
I left the Ft. Worth conference thinking about something Dannah Gresh said during our panel discussion. Dannah encouraged us to begin teaching our girls at a young age about modestly, purity, and serving—and not to wait until they are young teens to guide them in forming godly values. She emphasized that the grade school to 'tween years are the prime time to shape the value systems of young girls. So I decided to be intentional about discussing the True Woman event while visiting afterward with my three nieces, who range from age 8 to 13. (They get this perspective from their mother, too, but I wanted to add my auntie input.)
With their mother's permission, I introduced my seminar topic about the challenges girls face in developing nations. I gave an overview of the issues (skipping some of the more graphic problems), and then focused on how some girls aren't allowed to go to school for either political or economic reasons. We then watched a short video produced by the New York Times about girls in Swat Valley, Pakistan, who were banned from attending school by the Taliban. I prepared them for the sobering images of Taliban justice, but I thought it was important they understand how valuable their own education freedom is in this nation. (During my seminar, I mentioned I had sent this link to them, but they hadn't had the opportunity to see it.)
Then we talked about why God wants women to manage their homes and what kinds of ministry can take place in the home--and why that's important in light of eternity. I told them how you can go much deeper in conversation in the privacy of your home, as opposed to being in restaurants, and about how the Bible portrays the home as being a discipleship center and mission field. We talked about all of that over a home-cooked meal of beef brisket (a yummy pot-roast style recipe from the New Basics Cookbook), mashed potatoes with sauteed mushrooms, steamed garlic broccoli, and pistachio pudding. The girls were all involved in creating the meal--trying new recipes together is one of our traditions. Then the next day, we invited a friend over for dinner and a home-cooked pumpkin pie with spiced hot cider. As we prepared, we talked about how to create ambiance and make a guest feel especially welcome.
I wasn't sure how much was sinking in, but I discovered even my youngest niece was listening closely. After church on Sunday, I took them to Starbucks for more discussion time. As we sat down with our drinks and muffins, I mentioned how fun it was to have this special girl time together. Abigail shot me a knowing look and said, "But shouldn't we do this at home?"
Busted! But it was worth it to know they heard me.
I've known of fellow blogger Hannah Farver for years, but I finally had a chance to meet her this spring at the first True Woman conference. (Note to those who missed that conference: there are two more True Woman events coming up this fall in Fort Worth and Indianapolis!) We connected after the conference to talk about the new message I gave there on global women's issues. I rambled at top speed during our conversation, but Hannah heroically managed to grasp the gist of what I was saying and posted an interview on the Lies Young Women Believe website. Here's an excerpt:
Slavery, poverty, and violence directed toward women all over the world has been described by some as "the human rights cause of the 21st century." While America itself may not accept the oppression of women as a cultural norm, girls across the world are killed every day from abuse and gender-selective abortions.
At the 2010 True Woman Chattanooga conference, Carolyn McCulley spoke on these staggering statistics. She made a powerful case that "women's issues" shouldn't just be of interest to feminists and professors with axes to grind. As believers, we ought to care for the plight of the oppressed. I sat down at chatted with Carolyn over the phone, picking her brain about "social justice" and the "activist dimension" to Christianity. Here's what followed:
Hannah Farver: In your workshop at the True Woman conference, you drew a connection between social justice and biblical womanhood. For most people, just looking at those two topics side by side, they don't seem to be related at all. Could you maybe explain that connection?
Carolyn McCulley: The first is, whenever we use the phrase "social justice," it's loaded with meaning from both sides. I tended not to use that phrase, as much as I talked about standing up for oppressed women in developing nations.
I think there's two prongs [of these issues] that need to be given equal weight. One, that we're made equal in the image of God and we're equally in need of a Savior, and equally co-heirs with Christ. There's fundamental equality across the board. That's often assumed, but not expressed. My point in this message is that we who value the role of women, who value God's identity for women who are female Christ followers, [if] we don't do anything to stand up for those women in other nations who are aborted or maltreated or abused or underfed simply and soley because they're female, then we have a heartless message.
HF: Speaking here specifically to the blog audience of the Lies Young Women Believe website, why should we, as young women, develop a social conscience?
CM: Developing a social conscience has a lot of meanings...but I think that if we're going to use that phrase in Christian circles what that means is fulfilling the Philippians 2 concept of considering others needs more important than your own. Materially we live in the richest society that has ever walked the earth. We have more wealth at our disposal than any generation has ever had, and we think that everyone lives like that. It's for those reasons it's important in particular for young women to stand back and say, "I am not going to become a caricature or creation of the women's media, an empty vain woman who is only out for accolades of my personal appearance." I think women [who become] socially conscience are becoming eternally wise, thinking "What is going to earn the commendation of my Lord and Savior?"
HF: There seem to be a lot of organizations that advocate providing clean water to third-world countries and "eradicating poverty," but downplay telling people about Jesus. What would you say to that?
CM: Here's a question I'd throw out to [those who may be interested only in humanitarian work and not evangelism.] In the end, when your good works are done, are you serving in such a manner that people walk away and say "Those are good people" or "Those people who know someone very important that I need to know"? Often social justice efforts can be done in a way that builds up the reputation of our church but doesn't make a lot out of Jesus. We're not going to receive [heavenly] reward for that. It doesn't advance the gospel. It just advances our reputation. I say that with care--I'm not saying 'stop serving the poor,' but you're going to be complete ineffective if you cut it off [there].
HF: How can we pray for you, as you continue to make documentaries and advocate these issues?
CM: Pray for wisdom...[so at least I know] at the end of the day what I'm doing is bringing glory to God.
Carolyn McCulley: Radical Womanhood: Feminine Faith in a Feminist World
This is my second book, from Moody Publishers. You can check out some excerpts and blog posts from when I was writing this book by clicking on the Radical Womanhood: The Book category. Or you can watch a four-minute mini-documentary about the history of feminism that introduces the book.
From a Black Female Congregant
The topic of race and church life has been billowing about in the blogosphere. Maybe there is a renewed interest because of the release of John Piper’s book Bloodlines and the subsequent features on Desiring God. Whatever it is, I’m thankful. I’m thankful that there seems to be an open dialogue about race particularly as it relates to black and whites worshiping together. With that said, I do believe after reading books, articles, and blog posts I find one element of the black experience missing-that is the black female experience.
I grew up being told that I have to work triple as hard because I am black and then triple that because I am female. So, that’s what I did. I grew wanting to be Oprah but “better”. Because of the socio-economic position of many blacks this need to be driven is ingrained in us. And if we have opportunities like I did, we best take advantage of them. Many of the black females I ran with in college went on to be doctors, lawyers, etc. I was looked down upon by a research professor when I expressed my desire to stop grad school and do the internship with my church college ministry Volunteers For Christ. See, I was forfeiting all that the civil rights leaders had worked so hard for me to be able to do- I had gotten into law school and wasn’t going to go.
I highly recommend that you read all of "Dear Pastor" on Trillia's webzine, especially her gracious conclusion.
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