Radical Womanhood

This Momentary Marriage: Ian and Larissa's Story

If you've been reading my blog over the years, you've been introduced to Ian & Larissa Murphy. Their stories have encouraged many people, so much so that I ended up creating their own category on my blog. Therefore, I was very pleased when Desiring God asked Citygate Films to produce a short documentary about them. What an honor to showcase their faith on film! 

Even though my company produced this film, I'm not going to be bashful about promoting this piece. The reason is not for the filmmaking--it is because of the tremendous, God-honoring faith that Ian and Larissa express. I still cry every time I watch it. May I suggest that you share this with friends who have suffered traumatic brain injury, or any kind of disabling accident? More importantly, may I suggest that you offer respite relief and support to anyone who is a regular caregiver to loved ones who are seriously ill or injured? The Murphys are very fortunate to have a strong community of family and friends who support them in various ways, but this is not true of everyone in similar situations.

I hope you have eight minutes to spare to be inspired by their story!

(Note to fans of The Vow, we filmed this long before the feature film and updated book was released. But it's wonderful to know stories like these aren't isolated, thanks to the grace of God.)

A Spanish-subtitled version is also available.

An Anticipated Marriage

If you have been reading this blog for the last several years, you have read about the amazing relationship of Ian and Larissa. And after four years of uncertainty and prayer, they are now married! Whay a joyful occasion!

Given their relationship and testimony, it is fitting they had Mark Altrogge read this John Piper quote during his sermon at the wedding. Whether you are married or not, this perspective is one to take to heart:

Marriage is not mainly about prospering economically; it is mainly about displaying the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church. Knowing Christ is more important than making a living. Treasuring Christ is more important than bearing children. Being united to Christ by faith is a greater source of material success than perfect sex and double-income prosperity.

So it is with marriage. It is a momentary gift. It may last a lifetime, or it may be snatched away on the honeymoon. Either way, it is short. It may have many bright days, or it may be covered with clouds. If we make secondary things primary, we will be embittered at the sorrows we must face. But if we set our face to make of marriage mainly what God designed it to be, no sorrows and no calamities can stand in our way. Every one of them will be, not an obstacle to success, but a way to succeed. The beauty of the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church shines brightest when nothing but Christ can sustain it.

The Limits of Our Knowledge

Just for fun--and to add to the ominous feeling of the DC Snowpocalypse--I watched a PBS documentary over the weekend on the 1918 influenza epidemic. It was well produced and very informative, but I was left thinking about the limits of medical knowledge at that time. They had microscopes to be able to see bacteria, but they couldn't see viruses. So doctors were trying to create vaccines to fight the suspected bacterium, but of course the vaccines didn't work because it was a viral respiratory infection that left people literally dropping dead on the streets. The early 20th century had made so many advances in medicine that people assumed that doctors would be able to solve any illness, but this flu pandemic humbled everyone.

And so we find ourselves humbled once again nearly a century later. The Washington Post recently carried an article about how some patients in a "vegetative state" were discovered to have alert brains:

Many of the patients were labeled with the same grim diagnosis: "vegetative state." Their head injuries, teams of specialists had concluded, condemned them to a netherworld -- alive yet utterly devoid of any awareness of the world around them.

But an international team of scientists decided to try a bold experiment using the latest technology to peek inside the minds of 54 patients to see whether, in fact, they were conscious.

One by one, the men and women were placed inside advanced brain scanners as technicians gave them careful instructions: Imagine you are playing tennis. Imagine you are exploring your home, room by room. For most, the scanner showed nothing.

But, shockingly, for one, then another, and another, and yet two more, the scans flashed exactly like any healthy conscious person's would. These patients, the images clearly indicated, were living silently in their bodies, their minds apparently active. One man could even flawlessly answer detailed yes-or-no questions about his life before his trauma by activating different parts of his brain.

"It was incredible," said Adrian M. Owen, a neuroscientist at the Medical Research Council who led the groundbreaking research described in a paper published online Wednesday by the New England Journal of Medicine. "These are patients who are totally unable to perform functions with their bodies -- even blink an eye or move an eyebrow -- but yet are entirely conscious. It's quite distressing, really, to realize this."

As I read this article, I thought of Ian Murphy. Many of you are familiar with Ian's story--how three years ago, he suffered a tremendous brain injury in a car accident. And how he was not supposed to live, then not supposed to leave a comatose state, then not supposed to talk, then not supposed to walk, etc. By the amazing mercy and grace of God, Ian has beaten every prognosis (though he is not completely recovered). Along the way, he has had the jaw-droppingly faithful support of his girlfriend, Larissa, and his family. He has thrived even through sad difficulties such as the sudden death of his father from brain cancer last October. 

Two days after his accident, the doctors said Ian's brain death was imminent. As people around the world, literally, began to pray for him, he eventually showed brain activity. But as Larissa told one reporter, she prayed that God would help them communicate more directly:

Even if Ian did remember and still loved Larissa, there was no way for him to communicate it. For months after the accident, he barely was able to open his eyes, much less communicate his affection. He couldn’t squeeze her hand, wink at her or whisper that he loved her. There were days Ian couldn’t even acknowledge her presence, but Larissa said she prayed that God would guard her heart and reassure her, when she couldn’t seek assurance from Ian. She prayed that God would give her signs that Ian still loved her.

“From the beginning, when I would go into the room and talk to him, his heart rate would increase,” Larissa said. “God always gave me signs that Ian still loved me and knew who I was.”

Larissa persevered through many months of disappointment and deferred hopes. She was honest about how painful it was to watch other friends get engaged and married, moving on with their lives as she waited for Ian's healing. Then on Christmas Eve, I heard the good news: they were engaged! As happy as she is upon her engagement, Larissa writes about their future marriage with remarkable wisdom:

Marriage is a huge decision. Every couple pursuing marriage must count the costs of a lifetime commitment. For some couples the cost can be as big as giving up a career to move to a new place, or as "small" as giving up holiday traditions to make new ones with in-laws.

The cost of our marriage seems more extreme. And it's not a "picture perfect" wedding that it sometimes feels like the rest of the world has or will have. Ian has a brain injury. Steve died from cancer. We have very little financial means. It's a possibility we won't be able to have children. The list of the "costs" goes on for awhile.

But all of these costs could happen in every single marriage. It's just that we know them in advance. There are no guarantees that anyone will ever be spared of these hardships and "costs." What's guaranteed is that we will have troubles.

So, I guess that logically brings us to why would we get married? Well, as simple as it is, because we love each other. And we enjoy each other. And we believe that Ian was created to be my husband and me to be his helper. Our marriage will look way different than we imagined four years ago. But it must mean something that I can't look at Ian without smiling. And that he has struggled every day for three years to get better--for me.

I hope this doesn't sound preachy. (no offense to our pastors who read this :) ) This is just the truth that I have to come back to at the end of the day through our engagement, as we wrestle through all of the costs and blessings this marriage will bring. Our marriage could last one month, five years, fifty years, until one of us goes to be with God. The most wonderful thing I can think of doing while anxiously waiting for that to happen, is to go through this crazy lifetime, as long or short as it may be, as husband and wife.

I've written about Ian and Larissa many times before on this blog and I hope I will continue to have that privilege in the future. Ian is a "standing stone"--a living reminder that we finite creatures are limited in our knowledge of how the world works and what God is doing in and through His creatures. While science is just catching up with what Larissa and the Murphy family have already experienced, our hope is still not in medical progress. We have a Savior who offers us complete healing in every sense of the word. It's on Him that we hang our every future hope.

(P.S. Some have inquired about how to help Ian and Larissa. If you would like to send a material or financial gift, send it to Ian Murphy, c/o Sovereign Grace Church, 1220 Wayne Avenue, Indiana, Pa. 15701. If it is a monetary gift, please write Murphy Wedding in the memo.)

Photos: Lydia Jane Photography.

Ian Says Hi

Literally. Ian Murphy said hi to me today. I called my friend, David Altrogge, who was with Ian at the time and he said, "Do you want to say hi to Ian?" And I heard Ian say hi back to me! 

For those of you who have followed Ian's story over the past few years, you'll realize what a miracle that is, for Ian was once supposed to either die or be in a coma for the rest of his life. But our faithful God has worked so many unexplained healings on Ian's behalf. You can read the full story of Ian's accident under the "What Happened' link on Ian's blog. I also recommend reading his girlfriend's Valentine's Day testimony from two years ago, if you are not already familiar with the incredible Larissa Whiteley. Finally, I want to give praise to our ever-faithful Lord who answered the prayers of many people who asked that Ian be able to speak by this past Christmas. 

I recognize countless numbers of people are suffering and that these are widespread tough times. But I hope you will read these accounts to remind yourself that we serve the God of the Impossible. May He multiply grace, mercy, and peace to you.

Ian says hi.

A Christmas Prayer for Ian

As we prepare to celebrate the incarnation of the Word, I have a special prayer request to make of all of you. If you've been a longtime reader, you may recall the Valentine's Day testimony of one devoted woman named Larissa Whiteley. Larissa and her boyfriend, Ian Murphy, were planning to be engaged when Ian had a life-threatening accident more than two years ago. Initially, he wasn't expected to survive. Then, with his significant brain trauma, he wasn't expected ever to improve. Then he wasn't expected to be able to  communicate in any measure, such as with sign language. He was not expected to be able to feed himself. Nor use a motorized wheelchair on his own nor even stand on his own. But praise be to God, he has done all of these things!

Now, to the amazement of all, he has even spoken his name! Being a bit behind on my blog reading, I was floored when I read this November 29th update on Ian's blog:

I've been waiting more than two years to write this post. I've pictured the title in my head so many times......

Ian spoke. He said his name last night. And he said it again twice today..........

"For it is you who light my lamp;

the Lord my God lightens my darkness.

For by you I can run against a troop,

and by my God I can leap over a wall.

This God—his way is perfect;

the word of the Lord proves true"

I am floored.

Praying that this is one word of many...

Larissa

Two days ago, Larissa posted that Ian is mouthing words a lot, and thus their life has become a game of charades. Then she added, "Ian said tonight that he wanted me to ask blog readers to pray for his voice." I am joining the hundreds who are praying and I'm asking you to do so, too. I cannot imagine a better Christmas gift for Ian's family and friends (except maybe complete healing!). I am eagerly anticipating what God may do for them this holiday season!

Photo: Larissa and Ian, wearing the garment that won his small group's Ugly Christmas Sweater contest.

Ian's Benefit

More blogging friends to connect with while I'm away from the blog this week: Long-time readers of this blog may be familiar with the story of Ian Murphy, his traumatic brain injury, and the faithful ministry of his girlfriend, Larissa Whiteley. If you are a new visitor, I would highly recommend you check out this touching Valentine Day's tribute from Larissa that I posted last year. Here's an excerpt:

Around August of this past year when we returned from our summer internships, Ian began having serious conversations with his dad about the logistics of pursuing marriage. He had known for awhile that I was “the one,” and now it was down to the timing. We both were working two jobs to save money, and Ian was working especially hard, as I found out later, so that he could buy me a ring. Our biggest struggle in thinking about marriage was trying to figure out the when it could all happen. In my mind, the first of the year made the most sense since we would both graduate college in December.

September 30 changed all of our plans.

That morning while Ian was on his way to work, he collided head-on with an SUV. He was life-flighted to a Pittsburgh hospital where he immediately went into surgery. For several hours, we didn’t know how severe the accident was or why he was in surgery. But we soon received what seemed to be the worst possible news. Ian had suffered severe head injury. The following 48 hours would determine whether he would live or not.

My life as I knew it was gone.

Since that blog post, I've heard from many of you that you are praying for Ian and following the updates on his blog. If you haven't been to Ian's blog recently, you might be astounded at the progress the Lord is giving a young man who was once on death's door. At left is a current picture of Ian and Larissa. And, praise the Lord, he's been walking a little bit in physical therapy!

Ian has not yet recovered sufficiently to speak, but I am in faith for the healing work of the Holy Spirit. Last week I was being silly about Leap Year, but on that same day, Ian's friends held a benefit concert for him. Their goal was to raise funds for a portable ramp for Ian's wheelchair so that he can access more places, as well as other physical therapy equipment. (If you are interested in donating, details are here.) That support is commendable! But please also pray for Ian so that he can fully recover from his coma and voice the proposal he was preparing to say to Larissa.

A Valentine's Day Testimony

There's nothing quite like that season of romance just as marriage seems to be on the horizon. So many hopes, so many dreams, all bound up in a future yet to unfurl. But sometimes there are trials of faith to be found in that season, too. So today, in honor of Valentine's Day, I'm posting a moving testimony from a young woman who is trusting God for her "pre-fiance" and their future together.

Long-time readers may remember my blog posts last year about a video series titled "Drowning Melville." It was the brainchild of David Altrogge (who played Rudy McWilliams) and Ian Murphy (who played Tom Sanders). Together they wrote, produced, and starred in these hilarious videos. David is a friend and colleague of mine, but I only had the privilege of meeting Ian once. Nevertheless, I pray for him now on a regular basis. Here is Larissa Whiteley's story about Ian:

I met Ian almost two years ago when we were sophomores in college. At first, we both thought each other to be extremely annoying. He was too quick to give his opinion and I acted too much like a tough girl.

But the more time we spent together, the more I was attracted to him. I began discovering that I loved his strong opinions on everything and loved that he could make everyone laugh. I loved that time with him was never boring, that he had a great sense of style, he owned work boots and he listened to jazz music.

Those were just the fun things about Ian. What attracted me the most was his deep love for God and desire to glorify Him. Ian’s faith to me seemed unshakable. He was not afraid to point people to the cross or challenge them in their beliefs. I was not a Christian when we became friends but Ian took such an interest in teaching me about God and the church. I learned more through Ian in our first few months of friendship than I had from anyone else my entire life. Ian and I had many tough conversations where he was pointing out sin in my life, sin that I had been blind to. But he did it in such a way that I knew that glorifying God was his heart’s deepest desire. His question to challenging me was always, “What are you believing about God right now?”

So here is this great guy who was not only daily pointing me to Christ but also embodied everything that I ever wanted in a husband. There was just one problem--I completely denied to everyone and myself that I liked him. I knew that he was waiting to date until he was ready for marriage and in no way did I think that he would ever consider me to be wife material.

Little did I know that Ian was beginning to love the gentler heart that God was cultivating in me along with my sometimes inappropriate ability to stay serious. Ian said he was able to see Christ at work in me and was able to see all that changed in my heart since my salvation, which occurred during the time we were friends. He also claimed that he laughed 97% more when he was with me and said that he’d just be bored without me. After conversations with his parents about dating me, the timing was finally right and on November 30, 2005, he asked me to dinner.

Then began what became more than a year of laughing and growing with my best friend. And throughout that year we realized that we probably shouldn’t try to make it through life without each other.

Around August of this past year when we returned from our summer internships, Ian began having serious conversations with his dad about the logistics of pursuing marriage. He had known for awhile that I was “the one,” and now it was down to the timing. We both were working two jobs to save money, and Ian was working especially hard, as I found out later, so that he could buy me a ring. Our biggest struggle in thinking about marriage was trying to figure out the when it could all happen. In my mind, the first of the year made the most sense since we would both graduate college in December.

September 30 changed all of our plans.

That morning while Ian was on his way to work, he collided head-on with an SUV. He was life-flighted to a Pittsburgh hospital where he immediately went into surgery. For several hours, we didn’t know how severe the accident was or why he was in surgery. But we soon received what seemed to be the worst possible news. Ian had suffered severe head injury. The following 48 hours would determine whether he would live or not.

My life as I knew it was gone.

For the next three days, we were updated on Ian’s numerous injuries and were given more and more discouraging reports on Ian’s condition. We were told that his brain was dying. He was failing three of five brain activity tests. We talked with organ donation people and even contacted the funeral home. Ian was given days or hours to live--we just had to wait. Brain death was imminent.

But our faithful God answered three days of pleading for mercy and healing. Tuesday night his brain began responding and he started to move his arm and leg. Wednesday morning we were told Ian was “over the hump.” Brain death was no longer imminent. God delivered Ian from the valley of death.

It has been four months now since the accident, and Ian is in The Children’s Institute in Pittsburgh, where he participates in several forms of therapy. He is still in a coma. Apart from a miracle, this will continue to be a long and challenging process of recovery. But Ian is alive.

I don’t know the outcome of this. I don’t know if Ian will be the same person when he wakes up, if he wakes up. I don’t know if we can get married. But I do know that God’s strength has kept me here and will continue to keep me here, until he shows me otherwise.

When I look back at the past four months, I can’t believe that we’ve made it. And I can’t even begin to put into words all that God has done for us. I can’t look at this trial without seeing God’s hand in its design and His grace in sustaining us. While it’s not what I would choose for Ian, myself or his family, I believe that God will continue to use this for our good.

Even though I can’t see my future as clearly as I thought I could before, my affection for and devotion to Ian has not changed. Our relationship is now constrained to a hospital room, our dates are now him sleeping through the movie instead of me, and our conversations are more one-sided than ever! But I have never felt like I don’t have a boyfriend or struggled in my thoughts to stay faithful to this relationship. I still stand by the thought that anyone facing this situation would do the same thing. To me it’s easy--it’s just Ian. God has blessed me with a deep love for Ian and he continues to pour out strength so that I can continue through this affliction. And while my role as a girlfriend has changed, I’m still his girlfriend. If I were the one in a coma, Ian would never leave my side either.

More than my affection for him as a boyfriend, though, is my love for him as my best friend and brother in Christ. I have been called to serve Ian. And while I miss serving him in the ways I used to, like making him dinner or being his daily planner, I have been called to pray for him, talk to him, and just be near to him. There’s no place I’d rather be than sitting next to his bed.

Some days are harder than others. Like the days I am keenly aware that I haven’t heard Ian’s voice or laughed with him in four months. And then there are the days where I see that Ian is clearly in pain, but he can’t tell me and he can’t fix it himself. I don’t know where Ian’s mind has been since the accident. I’ve struggled with feeling guilty if I enjoy a big meal or do something fun. Ian’s mom wisely told me once that we must believe that Ian is someplace far better than we can imagine. God has been very gracious in protecting my heart and mind from focusing too much on the pain that Ian is enduring now. In moments that I do think about it though, I must turn to Jesus, knowing that only He knows exactly what pain Ian is feeling and knows exactly what he needs to be comforted.

While God tells us to ask for the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4), I’ve often found that my reason for wanting Ian to wake up is so that we can get married and I can have him back. But my motivation in prayer should be for God to be glorified, no matter how that affects my personal life. I am challenged daily to remember that whatever God has for my future and for Ian’s future is good and is exactly what we need, even if it’s not a future together. His love for us has not changed. He has met our greatest need through Jesus dying on the cross for our sins, and anything this side of heaven is a gift of His mercy.

To guard my heart, I’ve found that I cannot try to plan out my future. If I picture Ian and I together and spend hours daydreaming the exact details of our wedding, I am not trusting that whatever God has is best. But if I think about Ian not being in my future, I’m giving up hope that God can completely restore him. I must control my thoughts every day, while continuing to pray that if it’s God’s will, we can spend our lives together.

I’m learning daily that only God can ever satisfy me and ever comfort me. I feel so lonely sometimes without Ian. But if I’m looking away from God, I will always feel lonely, even if Ian comes back. Only God is accessible to me every second of every day. We don’t have to balance schedules to meet or wait until a certain hour to talk. Only God can give me exactly what I need, when I need it. Only God’s word can comfort my soul and can never fail me. While God blesses me with relationships within the church, I have learned that before seeking my friends, I must first bear my heart to God and ask Him to fill me with His grace.

This is definitely a sad time of my life and every morning I must ask God for abundant grace. Ian missed our one-year anniversary, our college graduation, and Christmas. But through God’s strength, we are able to keep pressing on, for this is what God has for us. I cannot do this on my own but God is so faithful--His strength is made perfect in my weakness. (2 Cor. 12:9) Weariness is not an excuse for me to sin. I can often hear Ian’s voice in my head saying, “What are you believing about God right now?” God promises to deliver us, whether it is on earth or in heaven, and I am awaiting that day (Psalm 34:19).

I will continue to pray that God completely restores Ian and brings him home to us. I hope that He is weaving together a beautiful love story for us. But I must respond in submission and believe that whatever God has for me and for Ian is best, because He is my king.

Larissa posts regularly on the blog that the Murphys have created to update all those who are praying for Ian's recovery. If you would also like to pray for Ian and build your faith about how God answers prayers, please visit Ian's blog. Then go love on all those God has put in your life today. No one knows the future except the One who saved us for it.

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