Radical Womanhood

To Be At Home

In response to my last post, "The Economic Base of the Family," Janelle Hardy sent me the following joke:

The industrial revolution came and took the men from the home. Compulsory schooling came and took the children from the home. Feminism came and took the women from the home. And now...they are all out working to pay the mortgage so the dog can stay at home by himself.

Bah-dah-boom, bah-dah-bing.

But it's a good transition to our next post in the Practical Issues for Godly Women series. Last week, Boundless published an article from Heather Koerner about how she evaluated the decision to be a stay-at-home mother. What fascinated me about the piece is that she could speak both as a new mother and as a child who was often in daycare herself. As what's been called the "latch-key generation" becomes parents themselves, I think the "mommy wars" conversation is going to take on some interesting nuances. Here's an excerpt from her thoughtful article:

I can't tell you the exact moment I made the decision to be a stay-at-home mom.

I can remember a few of the moments that I acted on it — like when my husband and I started sacrificing for the "baby fund" or the day I handed in my resignation and said good-bye to almost 40 percent of our family income. But those were the action points, not the decision point.

I think that at different times in my life, I just started to know.

I'm sure it started in my own day care experience. After attending a group day care for much of my childhood, I took different jobs during my college breaks as a child care worker and nanny. Though most of my co-workers were nice, sweet ladies who tried to make the day pleasant for kids, I still began to see that there was something unique and special about a parent's love that a child care worker could never duplicate. Even with my one-on-one time as a nanny, I saw that, as much as I cared about my job, it was still that — a job.

But what about me, I would wonder. I'm a well-adjusted, productive member of society and I came through day care just fine. What's the problem?

I thought about that — hard. Then the answer came to me in three little words: in spite of. Day care had not made my childhood happy. My childhood was happy in spite of my time in day care. It was my parents' individual attention each night and on weekends that helped me to thrive. It wasn't that the days were always bad, but that my parents' love was always best.

I started to ask myself the hard questions: Who is going to raise my child someday? Will the nights and weekends be enough?

At times like that, I sometimes just longed for explicit biblical instruction. You know, some verse that would just settle the whole debate: "Thou shalt be a stay-at-home mom" or something like that.

Read the rest of "Why I'm at Home" on Boundless.org.

UPDATE: I have opened the comments function on this post.

Mentoring the Parentless

This week, the Practical Issues for Godly Women series turns from the topic of outreach to the poor and needy to consider a uniquely feminine trait: the ability to bear and nurture life. We began this series by looking at a question about the priority of a woman's life. I will return soon to that direct question about home-making, but before we get there I want to explore what else is said in Scripture about a godly woman's activities. I started with the Proverbs 31:20 verse about reaching out to the poor because it is something that is applicable to every woman, no matter her season of life or marital status. For the same reason, I'm looking at our responsibilities toward children--responsibilities which, I believe, are not limited to the children we can bear.

In our post-feminist culture, children are not always received with joy, if indeed they are allowed to live at all. I am grieved not only by our high rate of abortion, but by the increasing number of press reports where young children are horribly neglected or murdered. In recent weeks, Washington-area residents have been greatly disturbed by a story of a single mother who withdrew her children from school, held them hostage in the house, allegedly murdered them, and lived for months with their decomposing bodies. The situation was only discovered when U.S. marshals showed up for a forcible eviction. Or the steady stream of stories of men murdering their estranged girlfriends or wives and their children. Or the recent story of a mentally-ill woman in Boston who stopped her car and walked onto the highway carrying her young niece and nephew in her arms. They were all killed. These are horrific accounts! But I would argue that most of these incidents are directly related to the idea that the life and rights of children are dictated by the personal convenience of those who conceived them--whether a pregnancy is "wanted" or not. If a child is disposable in utero, what prevents that logic from migrating outside the womb?

What I clearly remember as a new believer--after having lived many years as an unbelieving adult working in the media--was how surprised I was to discover entities such as crisis pregnancy centers and other ministries to families. The mainstream press rarely, if ever, covers how those with pro-life convictions serve women who choose to keep their babies. As seen through the eyes of mainstream media, pro-lifers are solely those who picket, march, and (wrongfully) bomb clinics. So as a new Christian, one of the first places I volunteered was at the local crisis pregnancy center. I was a mentor to four different women and their children over the years.

Now I am a mentor for a young woman in the foster care system. As I've previously mentioned on this blog, I am working with my church to create a foster care ministry. We've ramped up slowly, primarily by getting our members involved in a Christmas gift program over the past two years. Then a few of us went through county training to become mentors to teenagers about to transition out of the foster care system as they reach adulthood. I waited a long time to get matched, but now I have a new friend in a young woman who has had a difficult childhood. Due to confidentiality requirements (and common sense), I can't say much more than that. But suffice it to say, her background is quite typical of the foster children who have seen the ravages of parental drug addiction, multiple foster care placements, and a lack of reliable adults in their lives. Her favorite movie is "The Pursuit of Happyness" because it gives her hope that she can overcome her circumstances, too. I am praying to be a consistent friend in her life and I hope it will last for a number of years, so that she has a sense of at least one permanent adult figure in her life as she transitions to being on her own.

Here's the dilemma: There are a ton more children in this world just like my new friend. These parentless children are desperate for nurturing. Contrary to what many assume, these children don't comprehend why they are rattling around the foster care system.  Even the most difficult, hardened children can be quite sensitive to the issue of abandonment. If a woman is fortunate, she may bear and rear children over a span of 20 to 30 years. But what about those years before and after? I would argue that the overwhelming need of the parentless in our midst is a good sign that our work is not done as women. (Men, too, but I'm not addressing them here.) Even if these children do not carry our genes, we can be the kind of women who so profoundly affect these unrelated children that they will rise up and call us blessed in the years to come (Proverbs 31:28).

How have you been involved in caring for children? The comments function is open on this post. Comments are moderated.

Gifts for Needy Children

I've finished my Christmas shopping and Amazon has informed me that all my gifts have been delivered. Online shopping is truly a gift from God for the frazzled multitasker!

In between ordering gifts, I've been coordinating the communication between my county's social workers and the members of my church who signed up to sponsor more than 200 foster children for Christmas gifts this year. In fact, Covenant Life's reputation spread to the neighboring county and they contacted the local office here asking if we could do the same for their children. So we are actually providing gifts for foster children in two counties and through our own prison ministry program. I am always amazed at the reliability of my church members--they sign up, they follow through, and they are faithful to provide Christmas cheer to needy children in a generous and timely way!

The family I am sponsoring is a single mother with two children of her own who recently took in her niece through the foster care system. At the same time, she went to work and found her company's door locked in a sudden bankruptcy. So she is really financially stretched this year and having a hard time finding a new job. All she wanted was something for her girls to open on Christmas morning, but I realized her need was greater than what I could supply alone. So I contacted some of my colleagues and my caregroup members and asked if they wanted to go in with me to provide financial help for this family. I have been overwhelmed by their generous response. I can't wait to bring the gifts next week and watch this woman's face as she sees the love of Christ demonstrated through His people!

If you are looking for a way to provide a Christmas blessing to a needy child, I'd like to recommend Covenant Mercies. Though it's unfortunate that many charitable organizations are in the news these days for their lavish spending and high administrative costs, Covenant Mercies maintains an impressively low 1.7% administrative overhead cost for their monthly orphan sponsorship program. Covenant Mercies began with an orphans program in Nagongera, Uganda, expanding last year into Ndola, Zambia, and is now preparing for new 2008 programs in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, and Kiburara, Uganda. In the original program in Nagongera, executive director Doug Hayes writes about a new initiative, separate from the orphan sponsorship program, to build a new school in the community:

In the long run, perhaps the most important form of care we provide for our children is in the category of education. In all the countries where Covenant Mercies is working, the sad reality is that most orphaned children – without assistance from the outside – would likely drop out of school by the sixth grade due to their inability to pay school fees. Your sponsorship is critical not only as a provision of necessary funds for school tuition, educational supplies, etc., but even more significantly as a restoration of hope for a brighter future. Our children know that they were vulnerable to a life of merely scraping out a subsistence. Your generosity provides them with hope by keeping them in school.

We have learned, however, that keeping our kids in school is not the equivalent of providing them with a quality education. Especially in the rural areas where many children live but few parents pay taxes, students are crowded into schools that are ill-equipped to provide the educational resources and staff needed for such numbers. In Nagongera, our primary area of operation in Uganda, it is not unusual for elementary school children to share a classroom with over 100 other students. This same classroom is typically led by a single teacher, and equipped with only a few desks and textbooks. Frequently, teachers take their students outside under a shade tree rather than attempting to squeeze them into a room that was made for far fewer. Hardly sufficient to facilitate learning on even the best of days, these outdoor classrooms are often dispersed by uncooperative weather. Simply put, our children are indeed staying in school, but their presence in the classroom amounts to an added weight on a system that is already overburdened and unable to deliver quality education.

For this and other compelling reasons, Covenant Mercies has decided to build a school for the children in our eastern Ugandan (Nagongera) program. On the 50+ acres where our orphans’ homes are located, we have set aside a piece of land for this project, with plans to break ground on construction in 2008. The school will be phased in over a four-year period, with space for 560 students anticipated by 2012. In close proximity to our water tower, the school will enjoy the benefits of sanitary cooking facilities and flushing toilets, yet will be set far enough away from our homes to provide appropriate privacy for the families living there. In total, we expect the school project to cost approximately $150,000, including a lab of low-energy computers powered by the same solar panels that run our water system.

You can read about the work with HIV/AIDs programs, Ethiopian slum children, Somalian refugees, and more on the Covenant Mercies website, where you can also make a donation online.

The Tradition Continues

My annual "nibling" tea party with my sister, Beth, and my niece, Natalie, grew to new proportions this year as we invited two guests to join us. Lisa Gallo and her daughter, Alyssa, came with us to celebrate Natalie's birthday at the Mayflower Hotel in downtown D.C. We enjoyed our tea and carbs as a harpist serenaded us. While I appreciate the ambiance of professionally decorated hotels, there's nothing quite as satisfying as the selection of tea and food served in smaller, dedicated tea houses. Nevertheless, we received great service at the Mayflower and enjoyed our girlie time together.

(The tea party: Lisa and Alyssa Gallo, Natalie and Beth Oman, me. Alyssa pours her loose leaf tea. The tree photos: The Gallos. The girls. The Omans.)

Fostering Some Christmas Cheer, Part Two

I expect to hear the sound of silence in cyberspace today, as many people desert their computers to go shopping on Black Friday. I won't be joining the crowds, though. I have studiously avoided this shopping day for my entire life. I don't care how good the discounts are. Being stuck among bloodthirsty, bargain-shopping hordes is my idea of misery. Instead, I am usually home, peacefully putting up Christmas decorations and swilling egg nog.

Now that we can officially think about Christmas, I'd like to recommend an outreach idea. Last year, my church sponsored a gift drive where the members were linked with needy foster care children around the county to provide Christmas gifts to these children. It was so successful that we're doing it again this year. In fact, we told the community liaison from the foster care program that our church would take their entire list.

We pulled it off with short notice last year, but it may not work that way everywhere else. If you are interested in doing something similar to bless the foster care children in your area, you may want to look up your county's foster care agency and call that office and ask for the community liaison (or someone who functions in that role). Chances are, this social worker is looking for volunteers to provide gifts and would be thrilled to hear from you. Even if you can't organize something on behalf of your church, perhaps your small group, Bible study, or Sunday School class could sponsor a few children together.

This is also an ideal opportunity to remind your own children about the true spirit of Christmas. Last year, the Girltalkers got into the action and brought their children along to shop for these gifts, making it into a teaching moment. Great idea! I may do this with my own nieces and nephews, too.

(Stock photo courtesy of Jyn Meyer.)

Adopting Across Ethnicities

Next month is Adoption Awareness month, but as long as I've already started this week talking about orphans, I'll tackle the adoption topic early. Over the last few months, a number folks have mentioned Carolina Hope Christian Adoption to me. Last week, the ministry outreach coordinator, Dan Cruver, sent me a short note with this intriguing job description: "One of my primary responsibilities is to help Christians increasingly think about orphan ministry and adoption from a gospel-centered perspective. Carolina Hope has commissioned me to explore and articulate the beautiful gospel-connection between uppercase Adoption (i.e. God's gracious adoption and lowercase adoption (i.e. our adoption of a child), so that Christians become more firmly grounded in the gospel and grow in their understanding of its profound implications for all of life. We are also committed to helping Christians think theologically about transracial adoption."

Though I can't ever recall hearing a sermon on this topic before, I have "seen" this sermon in the lives of many pastors I know. In fact, as a new believer it was one of the things I first noticed: a significant number of the Sovereign Grace pastors I was meeting had adopted children from other nations or ethnic backgrounds. No one made a big deal out of it, but it spoke volumes to me then. Well, Dan recently interviewed one of my favorite blogging pastors,Thabiti Anyabwile, pastor of First Baptist Church of Grand Cayman, about transracial (or multi-ethnic) adoption. As always, Thabiti eloquently considers issues of ethnicity through the lens of the cross. Even if adoption isn't on your radar at present, I would encourage you to read this interview just to deepen your thinking on this topic.

(Photo: Eduardo Antonio is one of the children awaiting adoption through Carolina Hope. He'll be two next month. He lives in Guatemala, where he is recovering from malnourishment, due to abandonment.)

Waiting for a Match

I'm waiting to get matched.

Yes, matched for marriage. But that's not what I'm talking about this time. I'm waiting to get matched with a foster child. My county has several ways for residents to get involved with the needs of foster children living here, and I've signed up to be a mentor to a young adult who is aging out of the system. Upon reaching 18 or 21 (it seems to depend on the circumstance), foster children here are aged out of the system. Suddenly they are without a formal support system. I remember how confusing those early adult years were (ahem, not all that long ago!)--suddenly you have to deal with insurance, tax, budget, employment, and medical issues that you didn't have to handle previously. You have roommates, responsibilities, and reams of choices. What you do in this season often dictates the direction of the rest of your life. As a young adult, I had my parents to turn to for their help and counsel, but who would a foster child have? How weird it would seem to suddenly be cut off, left to drift away on your own.

So the county has created a pilot program to provide mentors for those who have aged out of the system. I heard about it as I was working with Mark Mitchell, the pastor of mercy ministries and outreach at my church. We are slowly building a foster care ministry as one of the elements of our mercy ministries team. Our intention is to roll out a program in the coming year that will allow Covenant Life Church members to serve the orphans of our area (for that's what foster children really are) in a variety of ways--from working with the county to help with one-time events all the way to becoming vetted and trained for emergency foster care, vacation relief, and full-time foster parenting and/or adoption.

In the meantime, I invited a few single ladies from my church to exercise their Scriptural call to mentor younger women by participating in this pilot program. There are three of us who went through the training and background clearance. We are all waiting to be matched. As busy working women, this struck us as the best way we could personally get involved with the needs of our foster care system. Would you please pray for us that we would be matched, and that we would be effective instruments in the Lord's hands to serve these young women?

Our mercy ministries team is also planning ahead now for this year's Christmas gift collection for foster children. If you are interested in doing something similar in your own church, it's not too early to get started! Though last year we had a huge response from church members when we announced this drive in December, it would have been even better if we had done so in November (which we're planning to do this year). That means it has to get on your church's calendar and to your local foster care agency several months prior. So here's a heads up to start brainstorming, praying, and talking to your pastors.

Finally, if you've never really thought about the church's obligation to serve the orphans of our day, let me leave you with the provocative observations of Anthony Bradley, from The Resurgence blog. Here's an edited excerpt:

Why does America have orphans if it has Christian churches?

America has nearly 115,000 orphaned kids in foster care waiting to be adopted. Some wonder how this is possible in a country with Christian families. Surely, there are 115,000 missional families in America, right? Missional families, for example, embrace the redemptive mission of God and practice "true religion" in their local communities (James 1:27). Missional Christians in America could eliminate the foster care system tomorrow if we would stop "shootin' up" with the American Dream in order to get high on a lame life lived for the sake of comfort and ease.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world," writes James (1:27). As a matter of fact, the Bible has over 40 verses mandating God's people to look after orphans and the fatherless for various reasons.

According to the American Religious Identity Survey, conducted by the City University of New York, there are over 224 million Christians in the United States. So, why are there 115,000 orphans in a country that has over 224 million Christians?

Since God's people have always been called to live missionally we are not surprised to see that James is not saying anything new. "When you harvest the grapes in your vineyard, do not go over the vines again. Leave what remains for the alien, the fatherless and the widow" (Deuteronomy 24:21).

Let's break this down further. The Washington Times reports that there are about 65 million evangelicals in America. So, again, why are there 115,000 orphans in America's foster care system? Does this mean that there are 65 million people missing huge sections of their Bibles? Would someone please alert Crossway and Zondervan!

Historically, the early church was known for taking in their culture's orphans and the needy. This is such an ancient tradition of the church (except for post-1960s American evangelicals) that Pope Benedict XVI even talked about it in his first encyclical "God is Love." He writes, "the Church cannot neglect the service of charity any more than she can neglect the Sacraments and the Word. . . Justin Martyr in speaking of the Christians' celebration of Sunday also mentions their charitable activity, linked with the Eucharist as such. Those who are able make offerings in accordance with their means, each as he or she wishes; the Bishop in turn makes use of these to support orphans, widows, the sick and those who for other reasons find themselves in need, such as prisoners and foreigners. The great Christian writer Tertullian relates how the pagans were struck by the Christians' concern for the needy of every sort."

Sadly, some of you are now more concerned about the fact that I quoted a Pope than you are about his actual point. Here's the deal: pagans were introduced to Jesus because Christians were taking care of the needy in obedience to Scripture. Taking care of the needy is not done only for the sake of evangelism. Practicing "true religion" is an extension of the kinds of Kingdom-oriented, salt and light, truth-bearing, grace-filled, Jesus-loving people who live to treat other people the same way God treats them (Ephesians 2:8-10).

UPDATE: I'd like to hear from those who are already involved with foster care. So I've opened the comments thread on this post.

The Birthday Boy

In previous posts, I've written about creating "auntie traditions"--special celebrations between aunts and their "niblings." In one post, I solicited ideas for a special event for my oldest nephew. As my niblings turn 10, I take them out for some grown-up activity to celebrate. My two oldest nieces have enjoyed going out to tea, but I was sure my nephew, Patrick, would rather do anything but that. So when he turned 10, I gave him a gift certificate for a lesson with a golf pro as a way to introduce him to the sport.

So this past weekend, we went out for lunch, a monstrous chocolate dessert, and his lesson. He's played miniature golf before, but his mother and I were quite surprised when the pro showed him the various clubs and Patrick could name them all correctly (and note the one that was missing). As we stared at him in disbelief, he said, "I learned it playing golf on the Nintendo Wii." Well, of course. Why didn't we think of that? As much fun as the Wii can be, it can't replace playing the real sport and Patrick learned some great tips from his instructor. In short order, he was hitting the balls a fair distance on the driving range. Though Patrick's father thinks golf is not a real sport, I think it's a good skill to have for professional purposes. If you can play golf, you might get to "conduct business" on the course with your boss. (Tangent ramble: If golfers can hold meetings on the golf course and call it work, why can't non-golfers do tea or pedicures together and call it work? Just wondering...)

Patrick's belated birthday celebration was just one of the many fun events this past weekend--including a visit from a fellow Boundless author, Suzanne Hadley. She bravely toured Washington's museums and monuments on a steamy 95-degree day and still insisted it was fun. It's always a treat to spend real time with someone you know from the blogosphere. I also recommend you read her latest Boundless article, "You're a Great Guy, But..." for a helpful insight on how too many words of affirmation can be confusing when declining a date.

(The middle photo is of Patrick with golf pro Eddie Rosario of the Every Body Golf School in Fairfax, Virginia. We were impressed with how well Eddie worked with Patrick--how encouraging he was, how much information he conveyed, and how he did it at an age-appropriate level. So here's my plug for him if you are in the area and interested in golf lessons!)

Motherhood Prep

Motherhood often closely follows marriage for women. So when you ask married women about their transition to this new season, their reflections frequently include the impact of children. Such was the case for one of my friends. After managing a successful career, she married and had two children in quick succession. As she reflected on her transition from singleness to marriage, what came to mind first was how she could have better prepared for motherhood. Though she was always eager to become a mother and loves her children immensely now, there were a number of practical challenges for which she felt unprepared:

I was the least prepared and most surprised by some of the events that came up once I became a mommy. If I could have done something differently as a single woman to prepare for this, it would have been to serve some of my married friends with their newborns and pray for them as they walked through this season.

It's not just about knowledge of what to expect. It was more about the wisdom gained from a mom that no book could ever transmit. There can be so many different unexpected events during the delivery and the first few months after the baby is born--it can be a trying season. It helps so much to have a friend and sister in the Lord that can pray for you, counsel you, and baby-sit for you so you can catch up on some sleep.

When you couple hormonal swings during this season with sleep deprivation, simple tasks like changing a soiled diaper or comforting your child can be a challenge. When your days are about changing diapers, nursing, pumping, and caring for your older toddler, it is sometimes hard to see God's perspective in it.

I believe that if I as a single woman had better served my married friends with their newborns, it would have blessed them and I could have gleaned from their experience and wisdom in the process.

Do you have any friends with newborns? Maybe today would be a great time to give them a call and offer a helping hand. It's sure to be a valuable investment for both of you!

Auntie Moments

Today is the fifth birthday of my niece, Abigail. In honor of her birthday, I've been studying the biblical account of her namesake. We'll look at her life next, but first, please permit me a bit of "auntie bragging."

I'm in Dallas for the holiday weekend, celebrating several family events: the belated wedding anniversary of my sister, Alice, and her husband, Fred; the belated 10th birthday of my niece, Claire; and, as mentioned, Abigail's 5th birthday. Fred & Alice enjoyed a night away for their anniversary while the girls and I had a sleepover. We cooked dinner and breakfast together without using recipes. I taught them how to cook intuitively by smelling various ingredients and experimenting with them. The chicken stir-fry turned out very well, but the pancakes the next day were, well, "interesting." The girls tried several ingredients and food coloring combinations. Their favorite (and edible) pancakes were the ones made with pancake batter and Swiss Miss hot chocolate mix--their secret ingredient.

I also took Claire and Alice out for Claire's ten-year-old tea. (For those of you in the Dallas area, we went to the Lavender House in McKinney and had a delightful time.) Claire's 8-year-old sister, Stephanie, is eagerly awaiting her turn for tea. It's so encouraging to me that they look forward to this auntie "double-digit" tradition. Claire declared it one of the best days of her life, no doubt because her generous mother bought her a miniature china tea set of her own! ("Not all because of that," Claire said. "It still would have been great without the tea set.")

But I have to give props to my sister for the Tinkerbell party she created for Abigail. We were up past midnight creating paper flowers, hot-glueing garlands, making star cookies, and cutting out fabric mushrooms for various decorations. All eight girls wore their Tinkerbell costumes while playing various games (musical mushrooms, pin the wings on Tinkerbell, etc.) and consuming the Tinkerbell cake. I had no idea that the internet was such a valuable resource for party-planning moms. Alice simply googled "Tinkerbell parties" and was linked to a number of sites with ideas from other mothers. I have made note of that for my Aunt Adventures!