Radical Womanhood

How Do You Know God's Will?

More Q&A today!

Q: Carolyn, I heard you on the radio, and was thrilled because people tend to shy away from discussions on the topic of being single. Which by the way I am! I am in my early forties, divorced, and have been single again for about a dozen years. I love God. I know the hole in my heart was placed there by Him, for Him to fill. I know that no man will ever fill that. BUT, it is difficult to come home and shut the door....and be alone.... again. I know that God will fulfill His will for me, but my question is, how do I know IF it is His will for me? Do you have any advice on that? Somehow I feel that if I knew that it would be easier to wait. Thank you for your obedience to Christ.

A: You've asked a good question--one that I've asked myself! I wish I could offer a guarantee (I know I'd like one!), but there is no concrete answer. We can never know for sure what God's will is for us in the particulars of life. He does not reveal our futures to us in great detail. We--like Esther--often discover it as we go along in life and see His sovereign hand in our circumstances. Or like Mary or Sarah, we receive His specific direction at particular times in our lives. (I'm not implying that theophanies or angelic visitations are common, though!) But even with something as rare and special as Mary being told she would bear the Son of the Most High (Luke 1:32), she did not know that the Cross of Christ was in her future, too. As I study Scripture, I see that God lets His children know just what we need for the next step of faith because it is our faith that glorifies Him!

As to whether or not it would be God's will for you to remarry as a divorced woman, I would refer you to your pastor, if you haven't already discussed this with him. Many solid, gospel-centered churches have differing positions on this topic, which I won't elaborate on here. Your pastor will guide you according to the convictions of your church elders and will help you determine whether you are biblically free to remarry and if you need to resolve any issues from your previous marriage. Speaking generally, however, since marriage is God's idea and design, I think it makes it easier to trust God for this desire. Marriage is His idea and gift, and is something He provides. Even in a generation in which marriage is so lightly esteemed, it is still an enduring institution around the world. Therefore, like everything in our futures, we must trust Him and go about rejoicing in what we have already received--most important of all, salvation.

As for being alone, you have my empathy. But I can also tell you that solitude is often a choice we make. It takes a LOT of work to reach out to other people and to open our homes to them, but it is something we single adults can do. We do not have to live lonely lives behind our closed doors if we choose to invest in other people. I would encourage you to study Lydia's example in Acts as single woman who opened her home to others.

That said, I know it is hard work to always be initiating with others. However, it not only is a way to expand your social circle and possibly meet a man, more importantly it glorifies God. Don't be defeated by sadness and difficult circumstances. This world is not our home. HOME will be love forevermore in the presence of God!

'Falling Into Sexual Sin'

It's time to bring back the Q&A format again. Here is a question I received a few months ago...

Q: I am in my late 20s, but I am currently not connected to a church (though I do listen to a lot of sermons from your church). I've been wanting to be in a church but I'm still praying for a church. When I was teenager, I became a born-again Christian. I have committed to follow Christ and to seek His will in my life, especially in finding a partner. I've been praying for a Christian partner after I broke up a few months ago with my fiance who wasn't a believer. I am still feeling so guilty because I had pre-marital sex with him.

Recently, I met a Christian guy in the office and we we began to share about our faith and pray together. We got closer, developed a friendship and somehow dated, thinking we were both answers to our prayers of having a believer for a partner. Now, I don't know what to do because we've fallen into the sin of pre-marital sex again. I want to align myself back to God. Please help me know what to do. Should I avoid him?

First, thank you for writing and seeking help with a clear confession. Being a total stranger at the other end of your computer, I can only help you a little bit. You need the tangible Body of Christ, but I'll get back to that in a moment.

To answer your question, no, I don't think you need to avoid people. Scripture tells us to flee from sin (1 Cor. 6:12-20). There are choices and compromises that we make along the way to sexual sin--and these are the situations we need to examine. I'm glad you know that premarital sex is a sin. But it may be helpful to think about the words you used to describe it. When you say you've "fallen into sin," it sounds passive, like it was a hole that just opened up before you and you tumbled in. But actually, you've made several choices along the way before the "big" sin occurred--choices like entertaining lustful thoughts, being alone with a man at intimate hours or places, allowing him to make advances toward you or drawing him by your own seductive behavior, and engaging in all the foreplay that leads up to sex. At each of those steps, you have a choice to be obedient to God or to your flesh. Scripture tells us to flee precisely because the Holy Spirit is well aware of how strong sexual temptation can be. We can't stand around and think about it, or else we will surely weaken and give in to the flesh.

It's also important to understand that sex is God's creation and His very good gift to husbands and wives. That strong sexual pull is designed to keep couples together. Sex in and of itself is not bad. It's quite powerful, but outside of the proper channels, it is destructive. Just open up your newspaper one day and look for all the articles about adultery, pornography, sex trafficking, child abuse, rape, STDs, etc. That's the result of human beings deciding they know how to handle sexuality without God's life-preserving boundaries.

Since this has happened a few times with different guys, you should step back and examine what you are doing to tempt both you and the other man. It may not be necessary to avoid your boyfriend, but to avoid your own thinking and behavior patterns. If you are truly repentant before God, if you see sin as He does, then there is also grace for forgiveness. Perfection does not merit us for a gift like marriage--but your future marriage will be a lot better and more God-glorifying if you learn to curb lust now, for certainly lust will follow you into marriage and so will the consequences of prior sin.

That said, avoidance and terminating a relationship are two different things. Avoidance is generally a non-communicative way of skirting an issue. Avoiding your boyfriend won't accomplish anything fruitful. But talking to him will help you make the right decision about whether to proceed in this relationship. The most important thing is to find out if he, too, is convicted of sin and eager to demonstrate the fruits of repentance. If not, flee. Men are called by God to lead, and if his leadership is not built upon godly principles, he will lead you right back into sin. That's when you need to end your relationship, though it should not be done self-righteously or unkindly but soberly in view of the seriousness of sin.

If you decide to go forward with your relationship, are you accountable to mature Christians? Both of you? If so, you will need their help to avoid the temptation of sexual sin and their prayers for perseverance. I encourage you to be honest and transparent with someone who knows you well and who loves you enough not to be silent about your sin. Ideally, this would be someone from within your church. And that brings me back to your first point. You can't be a lone ranger Christian and flourish--to wit, the issues you are facing. None of us is strong enough, or fruitful enough, or effective enough, or wise enough to think we don't need the help of others. You need regular teaching from a pastor who is accountable before God for your life and the lives of others in his church--not just messages from pastors of other churches. And you need fellowship, insight, and care from others in the flock. In fact, I would argue this aspect of being unchurched is one of the reasons you are struggling.

Finally, I highly recommend Josh Harris' book, Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is) to help you further understand this sin. It's a good book for both men and women to read, so perhaps this is something you and your boyfriend can study independently.

I hope this helps you. And because my answers are to the point, I hope you know that they are not said with impatience, but with empathy as a fellow sinner in need of her Savior!

Bride and Breadwinner?

In response to the post earlier this week titled "The Relevance of Food," I received this question from a reader. With her permission, I'm addressing her question here because I think she's not alone in wrestling with these topics. Plus, I've been slacking on the Q&A items on the blog and need to make amends!

Q: I have been living in dorms for seven years, so my ability to apply what I know about nutrition has been lacking, to say the least. As I look forward to getting married in the fall and having my own place for the first time, I am most excited about having the ability to shop for and prepare my own food.

My biggest concern is that I won't have time to cook (or exercise) if I take a full-time job away from home and continue to be active in ministry. It used to be normal for women to quit their jobs when they got married to take care of the home and, eventually, children. As I have run the idea by my friends and family of having a part-time job to allow me to have more time to care for a home, I have received very negative feedback. People have cited money, career, and potential for laziness as reasons to get a full-time job.

Is it reasonable to think that homemaking, even without children, could be the equivalent of a part-time job?

A: Short answer? Yes, without a doubt.

But I think there's much more to consider in your situation than just the question you asked. The first thing that struck me was that you reference getting married in the fall and that you are seeking the counsel of friends and family--but you haven't specifically cited your future husband's opinion. As you two prepare to marry, I hope these plans are the things you are discussing and evaluating together. In fact, as you ponder this decision, you have an opportunity to help him in his new role as a husband. Because the Bible gives him the responsibility to lead and provide for his family, you can signal your willingness to encourage him in this role by taking this matter to him first. What is his opinion here? What are his priorities for your family? Your guidance and input are invaluable in your marriage, and he needs your counsel as he leads, so this needs to be a decision you make jointly as a couple.

Second, it's quite possible to work full-time, serve in your local church, get exercise, and cook. Many of us do it all the time. However, I think you are wise to consider the importance of what I call the "private sphere" as you get married. You and your husband won't be college roommates, living parallel lives that rarely intersect except at the bathroom door. You will be building a life together, which requires spending time with each other. You can spend all that time together running errands, mowing the lawn, paying bills, and cleaning the house, or you can decide how your "team" is going to share the many responsibilities of adult life so that you aren't being driven by your To Do list. The benefit of having one person with more time dedicated to these "private sphere" tasks is that you have more quality time together as a couple to enjoy each other and to minister elsewhere. Given all the administrative tasks of running a home--house maintenance, shopping, making medical appointments, tracking a budget, paying bills and taxes, cleaning, yard work, and more--it's clear this is at least a part-time job already, even without children!

Yet, you've just spent seven years in college, so I assume you have sunk some money in an advanced degree and you may have college loans to pay off. Your joint finances are another reason why your future husband needs to be involved in making this decision. He may prefer that you get a solid base of experience in your career so that you could pursue the option of working part-time in your field in the future or, assuming you take time off with your children, that you could return to it one day. He could also see the advantage of you working full-time now to pay down school loans before children add to the family's finances. Or he may want to minimize everyone's stress levels by not having two people in demanding, full-time jobs. Again, it's a decision that you make as a couple.

Finally, I want to examine the reasons your friends and family think you should not work part-time. You said they listed money, career, and potential for laziness as reasons to get a full-time job. But the values you listed were excitement about having your own home, a desire to cook nutritiously, a concern about lack of exercise, and the goal of being active in ministry. There's not much overlap here.

Now money is important, but we honestly don't need as much of it as our culture dictates. There are ways to live more frugally and happily on just one income. I live in one of the most expensive areas in the world, but I know hundreds of families who survive on one income. Is it easy? No, but it's done every day. As to career, I don't know what you studied but it would be wise to do some informational interviews in your field to find out how you can navigate different seasons of life while staying active at some level in your profession. You need credible information about trends in your profession to make a wise decision. With regard to laziness, that is a heart issue. You can be employed full-time and still be lazy. Or you can work at home and be incredibly productive. The setting is not what determines your character. If your friends and family observe a pattern of laziness in your life, then tackle that topic as a matter of growing in godliness. But ask any homemaker if there's time to slack off, and you'll probably get a huge guffaw.

My opinion? As I said, I don't know all of your details, but if I were given the opportunity as a new bride to work part-time, I would take it. Marriage is a huge adjustment, as is the transition from college to career. To do both at the same time can be disorienting. But your marriage should trump your career. If God blesses you both with long lives, you'll be married far many more years than you will work. Plus, your marriage is supposed to point beyond you to the mystery of Christ and his church (Ephesians 5:31-32). Your job is not seen in the same light in Scripture. You would be truly living counter-culturally if you put your best efforts into your marriage over your career.

Most importantly, Scripture calls you as a married woman to a few specific things and I would make those a priority in order to honor God: learning to love and follow your husband; learning to love your children; managing your home well; and growing in kindness, self-control, and purity (Titus 2:3-5).

Both Sides of the Story

I think Valentine’s week is a great time to hear from another married woman in our ongoing series about preparation for marriage. But in this case, we get to hear both sides, as I had an unusual opportunity to conduct this live interview with a couple. Kudos to Allan and Meg for being willing to talk so openly about their two-year dating relationship and their 14 years of marriage.

Meg, in what area were you the least prepared to be a wife?

Meg: I was unprepared in every area. I couldn’t make more than popcorn and cereal! But the area I was least prepared for, and probably the area I’m still working on, is submitting my plans, my will, and my determination to my husband. I really didn’t see—and still struggle to see—things from his point of view. When we have a difference of opinion, I’m still appalled to find out how he could see something so differently. That’s just plain old arrogance on my part.

What would you have done differently as a single woman to prepare for this?

Meg: I didn’t have the teaching that I have now. I do believe that had I received a lot of the teaching that you’re giving out—as well as the stuff on Girl Talk and all the teaching on biblical womanhood—I think I would have approached aspects of my marriage very differently. I can recall a time in our marriage where we were considering starting a family and I wrestled with that so much. It was a spiritual oppression, I believe. I was so upset thinking that I’d have to pour my life into my children, that my life would just be serving my husband and children, and that I wouldn’t be rewarded for that. I don’t think I had been taught, nor had I gleaned it myself from the Word of God, that my position as a wife and mother would be serving others! In fact, that’s position of every Christian.

Allan: I’d like to add something here about our pervasive culture of selfishness. We’ve been bred, encouraged and coddled in a self-absorbed ethic. We’re told that we deserve things, we deserve the best, we should always have what we want—and the simple fact is that life doesn’t work that way. Life works best when you get a grasp of the fact that it’s not all about you. There’s a tremendous freedom and relief and paradoxical enrichment in that. Because as you start to see that we are who we are through other people, through those we can impact, then the world becomes bigger than ourselves. And there’s a type of fulfillment in that. The people who are remembered and really loved are not the ones who get the most for themselves, but the people who give the most of themselves.

Meg: That’s true. Recently, I’ve been thinking about our American motto of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” You can’t have happiness without the pursuit of life and liberty. You can’t have your own freedom at the expense of others. When we put our own happiness as the highest priority in our pursuits, then there’s little pursuit of serving others. So as a single woman, the culture around me, and the lack of teaching I received in my church then, fostered my sinful mindset of “what’s in this for me?”

Allan, since I have you here, let me ask you the same question. How do you feel you were the least prepared to be a husband?

Allan: I didn’t fully realize the need for transparency and honesty in marriage. Men like to make decisions and we can often times make decisions unilaterally, feeling we don’t need to consult our wife or we can fill her in later. And that can cause a lot of pain and awkwardness. We can also feel—since God gave us the responsibility of being head of the home—that we should not be questioned. That’s an incomplete picture. Even if we do have the authority and the right, that does not extend to the husband the right of callous disregard of the wife’s viewpoint or whatever it is we are committing our family to do.

What would you have done differently to prepare to be a husband?

Allan: Well, I can tell you first something that we did right to prepare—and that was the six months of premarital counseling we had. I would tell anyone that premarital counseling should be mandatory. But I didn’t have a good grasp of biblical courtship. I tried to accommodate Christian morality with a worldly view of dating and pushed that boundary as far as I could. I used a lot of pressure tactics to get my own way—is that a fair statement, honey?

Meg: Yes, probably.

Allan: I wasn’t as prayerful in my dealings with Meg as I should have been, and I rarely sought the counsel of other men. Honestly, I think we could have been married a year earlier if I had been more humble.

Meg: Maybe, but a lot of that delay was my own stubbornness, too. And you were just beginning your Christian walk.

Allan: Yeah, but I didn’t give you a lot of reasons to trust me. I have always struggled with opening up and getting godly input from other men. Historically, I have not built the relationships with men that I have needed, which has negatively affected our marriage. I wish I had seen the importance of that when I was single.

How does Meg function as a helpmate in your marriage?

Allan: The first thing that comes to mind is the way she helps my career. Because she was a CPA, Meg has fulfilled the role of financial director for the two companies I’ve built—something she’s been able to do from home. That has been a big help to me and I’m grateful she had those skills! Moreover, she’s a part of my joys and a part of my concerns professionally. I’m glad we can share this aspect of my work life.

Second, we have a shared vision and commitment to home-schooling our children, to communicating a biblical worldview with solid instruction. Together, we make our children think. We expose them to the world and to real issues. We challenge their minds and then listen to what they have to say—and they amaze us.

These are significant things that mean a great deal to me. I’ve seen husbands not fully involved in their wives’ home-schooling and I think that’s a shame. I read the curriculum. I want to know what’s being taught. I take my job as the “principal and superintendent of school” seriously. I even get to declare snow days!

What was the biggest surprise to you after marriage?

Meg: The biggest surprise to me was that I didn’t just marry Allan, but I married him and all that came with him—including his extended family members. Because I met him outside the context of his family, I didn’t realize that I would now have additional members to my family, too. At first, I considered this an intrusion on my dream. Sure, I accepted Allan. I loved Allan. But did this mean that I had to accept and love these people, too? But that's also where I've seen God pour out the greatest measure of grace in my life, and I'm glad for this lesson.

What area of homemaking was the biggest challenge to you as a new wife?

Meg: I think it would be planning and cooking meals. When I was single, I would just eat when I was hungry and graze the kitchen until I found something that fit my taste buds. But now with a family, I have to consider many more people and their preferences and needs. It was, and still is, one of the biggest time management issues for me.

Allan, what area of being a husband was the biggest challenge to you?

Allan: Leading. It’s one thing to lead yourself. It’s another thing to recognize the awesome responsibility and seriousness of leading a wife and children. The responsibility of setting an example, being a spiritual leader, and exercising authority with wisdom and compassion, and yet firmness when needed. How to be firm without being angry—that’s still something that I wrestle with. It’s a challenge to me.

I would also add, earning respect more than commanding it. There’s a requirement to be consistent, knowing that these little eyes are looking at me, taking it all in, and feeding it right back to me, all that they see. Leading a business is very different from leading a family. In a business, if someone doesn’t perform, you can fire him or her and hire someone new. Families come with all their own warts, limitations, and failures, but there’s no turning back. You have the family God gave you and you must build with them. I love my family—they’re incredible, they absolutely amaze me. But families require a different kind of leadership. And it comes with a special type of grace.

Making Friends with Men

I appreciate the feedback I've been receiving about this ongoing new year's series about the goal of getting married. Though I am no longer able to moderate and publish comments on a regular basis (see the commenting policy for further information), I do read all the letters I receive and answer as many as I am able. With some letters, I ask the sender if I can answer it on the blog; that's the case with the letter that follows. I'm grateful for the visitors here and the letters I receive!

Q: How can I develop male friendships? I've been inspired by your blog to actually start having people over to my house. When I looked over this coming year as to the possible events (slumber party this month, possibly an Easter Tea), I realized that I don't have any guy friends I can invite over. Therefore, this is a void I'd like to fill, but don't know how. I abandoned the singles ministry at my church over a year ago. It was too meat-markety and as a Black woman at a predominantly white church, I wasn't on the menu. I've settled into a lovely women's class that has challenged me to grow in my Christian walk. It's also wonderful to see a taste of the other side, how women look after years of walking with Christ. I sing in the choir and have developed wonderful lady friends through that ministry. No guys, though. A problem is that it seems like single men and women can't talk to each other at my church without it signaling that you're together or that the guy is interested in you. I'm not the only woman who's noticed this. Still, even if it is true, it still doesn't solve my problem. I've begun praying about the matter. Any suggestions? Thoughts?

A: You've raised several good points in your letter, but I must start with the comical one first. Are you despondent because you are hosting a slumber party and a tea and you don't know any single men to invite!? I think I can confidently state that the former might raise some eyebrows and the latter would ensure many regrets from the guys! I'm sure that was just an unfortunate set of examples, but it amused me greatly!

Okay, to the heart of your letter. You want to know how to cultivate male friendships. I'm glad you said you were praying about this already. That's the first step. Whatever we want, we should confidently bring those requests to our heavenly Father in prayer. As we make our petitions and supplications known to the Father, with thanksgiving, the Holy Spirit searches our hearts and helps us to see things we may have been blind to. Is there anything God is revealing to you now?

Perhaps I can offer an observation. One part of your letter did leap out at me. You may want to consider and pray about your statement: "I abandoned the singles ministry at my church over a year ago. It was too meat-markety and as a Black woman at a predominantly white church, I wasn't on the menu." Captain Obvious says it's going to be hard to make friends with single Christian men if you have abandoned the singles ministry at your church.

Now I do understand that the tenor of singles ministries varies widely across the church at large, so you might be accurate in your label of "meat-markety." Or that might reveal something about your own perspective. Either way, doesn't it grieve you--even slightly--that this is part of a church you belong to and serve? The singles ministry has the potential to be so much more than a meat market! But not if everyone abandons it. Perhaps this is something to pray about. If it bothers you, it must bother God much, much more. Frankly, I don't know of anyone who actually enjoys that kind of superficiality. I hear from single adults all the time who are longing for intimacy. Marital intimacy, of course, but also just the intimacy of true fellowship with other Christians.

What if you were to effect some change? What if you were to bravely reach out to others and treat them as brothers and sisters, with no expectations? You might find that after making some effort to invest in other people that it's not so much of a meat-market after all. And you might inspire others to do the same thing. Each of us can be tempted to look at a crowd and judge the motives of everyone there. But when we make the plunge to meet the individuals who make up that crowd, we can always find many people who defy the stereotype we've had of that group.

I remember a few years ago when the college-age and career-age singles ministries at my church were merged into one group. We older singles were tempted to think the younger singles would judge us or not include us. I confess that I entertained those thoughts on occasion, too. Never would I have guessed then that a number of those younger singles would end up as some of my dearest friends today. As Christians, we have far more in common with believers of any age (or race or socioeconomic background) than we do with people of more similar demographics in the world. We are united because of what Christ has done for us and we will be united in heaven as we praise Him for all eternity.

Where to start? Each church is different, so I can't presume to give you an exact formula for how to make new friends. But I would recommend discarding speculations. When you are talking to a man, don't worry about what other people think--focus on the brother before you. He's not an object to be secured. He's a co-heir in Christ with you. He probably needs encouragement to keep running the race with perseverance. One reason the meat-market culture pops up is because we singles lose sight of the fact that this isn't one big game of musical chairs. We tend to position ourselves to ensure a seat when the music stops. We're so focused on obtaining something before the buzzer sounds that we can view people either as objects to acquire or obstacles to get around. That is the aroma of the meat market.

To break this trend and make new friends, I would recommend the following steps:

1) Pray about and for the local church you are in. If you are convinced this is the church that God has placed you in, then could it be possible that your husband might be there, too? Both marriage and the church are God's ideas, so you can be optimistic about them in equal measure. It appears you are being spiritually fed in your women's class and that you are serving in your church through singing in your choir. So it may be worth the effort to invest in the singles ministry, too.

2) Are there men singing in the choir? Why not start there with developing friendships? Common interests jump-start friendships. You could invite a mixture of fellow singers over for dinner and a concert on DVD. Or arrange a group to go hear another choral performance.

3) Let the women in your class know what you are praying about and struggling with. Then be bold and ask some of your closer friends if they can introduce you to any single men they know. In my experience, it doesn't often occur to others to network on behalf of singles. Married couples let their need for childcare be known. So why not reciprocate with your needs? Tell these women it's not easy to make new friends as a single adult, and ask if they can facilitate some events to connect you with the singles they know. Offer to host it at your home, if that's feasible, if they will issue the invitations. That's one way to make it simpler for busy women with families to pull off this idea.

4) This one is a little more sensitive to address, but I would be remiss if I didn't point it out. So I'll just be direct. Men like to be around women who encourage them, not judge them. Men have acute radar for women's sinful judgment. If you think it's just your private opinion that you are "not on the menu," I can assure you it's not. Because you harbor that idea in your heart, it will spill out in your words and actions. It may be true that some of the men may not be attracted to you, but that's the case for every woman. No one attracts everyone they meet. I don't know the particulars of your church and it may be true that there is an unaddressed element of racism there. But I also know that for every reason we think we are unattractive to men, there are women with those very same qualities getting married all around us. The Lord is not beholden to human reason and I think He loves to confound our logic in order to receive all the glory. Don't let that lie from the Enemy separate you from fellowship.

5) Be seen encouraging and talking to a wide circle of men. That way you will cultivate a reputation of someone who is genuinely interested in others, as opposed to genuinely interested in just one man.

6) Be interested in things men like to do, too. Or let a guy introduce you to one of his hobbies or interests. You could be surprised at how much you enjoy it. I now like kayaking, whitewater rafting, cycling, classical music, blues bands, opera tenors, and poetry because of the men I've befriended or dated. (Any attempts to make a camper out of this diva have fallen short, however!)

7) Be cheerful. All of us, but especially men, are attracted and refreshed by joyful, uncomplaining, undemanding, grateful women.

The old adage remains true: If you want a friend, be a friend. I hope these points help you! I suspect that married women and some of the men reading this entry may have a few ideas, too, so I'm opening the commenting function for a limited time to feature some of the most helpful feedback.

And Baby Makes Three

This month's Crosswalk column addresses the addition of a child to the relationship of best friends. I've excerpted part of my column below...

QUESTION: I have run across a situation I have never encountered before and don't know how to handle. My best friend, a thirty-something Christian woman, is married, and she and her husband are starting to think about having a baby. Up until now, we have been really close since (except for marriage) our lives are pretty much the same. But a baby will, of course, change all of that.

I am really praying for the Lord to lead me in what my new role will be in my friend's life. My question is: do you have any practical suggestions for how I can be encouraging and helpful to my friend in this time? I want to be there for her and her new family emotionally, spiritually, and practically, but I have no clue how to do this.

ANSWER: Kudos to you for thinking of how to be a blessing at this time! That’s 90 percent of the effort right there. Well done!

Now to the practicals. My friends have children ranging from infants to teens, so I have had the benefit of watching how different stages of parenting affect adult sociability. From my personal experience and observation, I would say the first child introduces far more change than subsequent children. Becoming a parent is kind of like learning to ride a bike--it takes all your concentration to keep yourself upright. Then one day, it becomes almost an unconscious skill. Right now, your friend is entering the wobbly stage. If you remember that, you won’t be offended by her distraction as she concentrates on issues of conception, pregnancy, and child-rearing. She has to learn these new skills before she can multi-task them.

Being a friend to someone on this new journey is an opportunity for you to learn, as well... [To read the rest of column, visit Crosswalk.com's singles channel.]

Drowning in Comparisons

I'm headed to Phoenix today to participate in the By Design: Embracing Biblical Womanhood conference. I won't have time to post for a few days, so I leave you with this extra-long Q&A column for Crosswalk's singles channel--"Drowning in Comparisons." At the heart of this correspondent's question are the flood of feelings she experiences attending a church service primarily for singles:

But how do I continue to go to church when I feel bitter, jealous, and down on myself all the time? How do I continue when I feel anxious that I'm not in the “in crowd” (it's like being back at early high school!), that I'm not being invited to parties where I might possibly meet someone, and that I’m not getting to meet anyone half decent? (Followed by the positively self-destructive thought that if I met them they wouldn't want to know me, anyway.) My friends say I am funny, witty and kind. What am I doing wrong? And how do I live now? How do I maintain hope? I know my bitterness, jealousy of others, backbiting (even to myself) about the people who do not include others and are selective in who they want to know (even though I think they are in the wrong) is wrong, and sinful. But I cannot pretend it’s not happening, and I am finding it such a burden to keep going to church week after week under the weight of all this stuff.

I know this is not an uncommon experience, so I pray my answer to this particular woman will serve many others. You can read the rest of the article on Crosswalk's website.

Bible Study and Personal Devotions

(Though I can no longer moderate and publish comments, I periodically want to address some of the questions I receive--one of the original purposes of this blog. So here's a recent email I received...)

Question: I have wanted to ask you if you’ve addressed on your blog the topic of Bible studies in your devotions. Have I just missed it? I have read the Bible through several times over the years and try to stay up with what my church is going through. I’ve also done the ‘Psalm a day’ study. Aside from those, though, what is a good ‘topical’ study? Does that make sense? How do you decide what to read from month to month?

Answer: You've asked a good question--and a timely one, too, because this month we start another nine-month single women's discipleship course at my church. One of the components of this course is quiet-time accountability. We will be keeping track of our personal devotions and sharing those developments with the group each week. Even though I'll be leading one of the groups, I need this accountability like everybody else. We live in a busy, busy world and it's a constant battle to not only have personal devotions, but to have effective and fruitful ones.

During one of our meetings, I typically bring in a number of Bible study resources and we talk about what each one is geared to do. I usually have a Bible dictionary, a commentary on a book of the Bible, a cultural commentary, a study Bible, a concordance, and a lexicon. I'll then show how each can help us understand a particular passage.

I enjoy studying Scripture with these tools in my personal devotions. I just finished going through Acts and Romans, for example, and primarily I was using a study Bible and Mark Dever's Promises Kept: The Message of the New Testament. When I hit difficult passages, I also pulled out other commentaries.

My personal devotions can include a number of practices. When I'm feeling particularly unfocused, I often go on prayer walks to get my blood stirring and my brain in gear. I sometimes sing worship songs along with my iPod. But most of the time, I study specific Scriptures and then read further in another book that's usually geared toward personal application. I just finished David Powlison's Speaking Truth in Love, which is about the practice of biblical counseling, and now I'm going through Charles Spurgeon's The Triumph of Faith in a Believer's Life. I also keep a journal. My journal is a chaotic mix of confessions, prayers, personal application, and insights from Bible study.

That said, I don't want to point to my own practices as being sufficient because I need to grow, as well. So I want to recommend an outstanding message from the New Attitude conference by Mike Bullmore. It is titled "Feeding on God: Cultivating a Fruitful Life in the Word." You can download the MP3 and the outline from the Sovereign Grace Store. I can guarantee you it's the best $2 you will spend in a long time! You may also want to read other posts on this topic in the Spiritual Disciplines category.

The Testing that Produces Joy

Q: I was reading the first chapter of James the other day and just got stuck on how to actually be joyful in the midst of trials – like an extended season of singleness. My head knows lots on this subject, but it’s SO hard to transfer that to my heart. So what practical ways have you found to have your heart count all trials as joy?

I've been pondering this question for the past week, and in doing so, have found it to be God's sovereign timing that the question was sent when it was. During this same time, I've attended a wedding, rejoiced with friends who just entered a courtship, was told the happy news of another couple's pregnancy, heard the results of a sonogram of another pregnant woman, and congratulated two friends on their first wedding anniversaries. In other words, lots of opportunities to rejoice with those who rejoice, despite my own unfulfilled desires in those same areas.

Conversely, I have also been praying for those with serious illnesses, threats of job loss, financial needs, and family crises from exposed sin. In both, I am only entering in these situations vicariously. In one set of circumstances, I may be tempted to covet blessings. In another set of circumstances, I may be tempted to fear similar trials. Both perspectives are limited by my self-centered view--unless I apply myself to the instruction found in the first chapter of the book of James. Verses 2 through 12 offer this rich supply of instruction:

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. Let the lowly brother boast in his exaltation, and the rich in his humiliation, because like a flower of the grass he will pass away. For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the grass; its flower falls, and its beauty perishes. So also will the rich man fade away in the midst of his pursuits. Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

In his study Bible, Dr. John MacArthur provides a number of rich insights into this passage. He says that the Greek word that is translated "consider" in the NASB or "count" in the ESV may also be translated as "evaluate." I take this to mean that we are not to be passive or fatalistic in the way we view our circumstances, but rather to take on an analytical view, akin to a financial accounting, as we examine the things that cause us heartaches. Considering, counting, evaluating--these are verbs that require us to look at an object or a circumstance from many perspectives. Because the natural human response to trials is not to rejoice, the believer therefore must make a conscious commitment to face them with joy. It's so patently true that joy that comes from getting a new perspective on life that this has become a film and novel cliche.

But are your present circumstances sufficient to be deemed a trial? Trials come in various forms but for the same purpose. As Dr. MacArthur writes: "The Greek word [for trials] connotes trouble, or something breaks the pattern of peace, comfort, joy and happiness in someone's life. The verb form of this word means 'to put someone or something to the test,' with the purpose of discovering that person's nature or that thing's quality. God brings such tests to prove--and increase--the strength and quality of one's faith and to demonstrate its validity (vv. 2-12). Every trial becomes a test of faith designed to strengthen: if the believer fails the test by wrongly responding, that test then becomes a temptation, or a solicitation to evil."

What a wonderful summary! So if every trial becomes a test of faith designed to strengthen us, we come back to the original question I recently received. What are some practical steps can we take to count present trials as joy?

Evaluating Spiritual Maturity

This week, Crosswalk's singles channel is running a new Q&A-style column from yours truly, addressing a question from a reader who wanted to know how to evaluate the spiritual maturity of any potential date. Though no answer can ever be exhaustive on such a matter, I hope I provided some useful aspects to consider. To read the six points I recommend, visit Crosswalk's website.