Radical Womanhood

This Momentary Marriage: Ian and Larissa's Story

If you've been reading my blog over the years, you've been introduced to Ian & Larissa Murphy. Their stories have encouraged many people, so much so that I ended up creating their own category on my blog. Therefore, I was very pleased when Desiring God asked Citygate Films to produce a short documentary about them. What an honor to showcase their faith on film! 

Even though my company produced this film, I'm not going to be bashful about promoting this piece. The reason is not for the filmmaking--it is because of the tremendous, God-honoring faith that Ian and Larissa express. I still cry every time I watch it. May I suggest that you share this with friends who have suffered traumatic brain injury, or any kind of disabling accident? More importantly, may I suggest that you offer respite relief and support to anyone who is a regular caregiver to loved ones who are seriously ill or injured? The Murphys are very fortunate to have a strong community of family and friends who support them in various ways, but this is not true of everyone in similar situations.

I hope you have eight minutes to spare to be inspired by their story!

(Note to fans of The Vow, we filmed this long before the feature film and updated book was released. But it's wonderful to know stories like these aren't isolated, thanks to the grace of God.)

A Spanish-subtitled version is also available.

Desire and Idolatry

It's been great to hear from so many of you after posting my last entry on praying for a husband. I always appreciate the feedback, even if it takes me a bit to read and clear the comments. That's just a limitation resulting from my schedule and busy work deadlines.

Given some of the questions, I just want to address one additional thought from that post -- the tension between idolatry and desire. Here it is in a nutshell: It's not wrong to want a good thing, especially a good thing that God created and instituted from the beginning of creation! So desiring marriage is fine. It's the strength of that desire that we have to monitor. When that desire becomes so dominating that our worship of God is dented or diminished, we know right away that we have crossed the line into idolatry. We can't be satisfied with all of our other blessings, because we run everything through the growing demand for a husband. 

Here are some warning signs to consider. This is by no means exhaustive, but it could be helpful:

• You find it hard to pray because you think God doesn't want to bless you.
• You aren't thankful for all the other answered prayers and blessings in your life.
• You withdraw from others who are getting married or in relationships. (I do understand how hard it can be when someone else enters a relationship, especially with a man you are interested in. Being knocked off-balance by disappointment is common and it takes time to grieve lost hopes. But it should be temporary. If it becomes a permanent way of relating to others, then you've entered the place of bitterness and idolatry.)
• You go to church more aware of the human relationships around you (ones you envy, ones you want) than your relationship with God. 
• You think you have no purpose in the Kingdom because you are single, so therefore you don't serve others in the church or outside of it. You've begun to believe the Enemy's lie that nothing good can come out of this season of your life. 
• Any discussion of marriage or singleness is a sore spot for you, one that keeps bringing you back to the idea that God is withholding something good from you.

Like I said, this is not an exhaustive list, just something to consider. My main reason for posting this today is to encourage you not to lose the joy of your salvation as you wait on God. He may or may not answer your prayers the way you want, but you can be sure there is a wonderful purpose behind His plans for you. 

In the meantime, I'd also like to recommend another resource to encourage you. Some of my friends have created a blog called "fast.pray" about this very topic of praying for marriage. I think you will find it to be a helpful, honest, and hopeful place to visit. 

Why Pray for a Husband?

Over several years of ministering to single women, I’ve heard one question asked repeatedly: “Should I pray for a husband?”

On the surface, it can seem an odd question, but I am sympathetic to the reasons why it is asked. Lurking behind that one question are many others: “What if God doesn’t answer this prayer?” “Is this something I should even be focused on?” “Is it selfish of me to want a husband?” “Is God still good if I pray and I remain single?” and so forth.

My short answer is: Yes, you should pray! And don’t just pray for yourself. Pray for your other single friends (men and women). Pray for the marriages among your friends and family.

Then open your eyes to the many, many prayers He is answering. Every day, God is bringing people together. So instead of sighing with self-pity when you get that next wedding invitation, rejoice for the evidence of answered prayer!

To be honest, I have not always rejoiced at the weddings of others. At least not initially. But the more I’ve encountered the faithfulness of God, the easier it has become. Taking note of answered prayers is the best antidote I know for overcoming the forlorn assumption that your own prayers go unanswered. Soon you will see an abundance of prayers are answered every day, which balances out the long wait for other prayer requests.

In fact, these days I typically find it very easy to “rejoice with those who rejoice.” Over the years, I’ve been in many formal and informal prayer groups where women have petitioned the Lord for husbands, asked God to bring more single men to their churches, and interceded for the single men who are already there.  The majority of each group is now married. I can list dozens and dozens of men and women alike who now have spouses—men and women of various ages, ethnicities, sizes, shapes, abilities, and temperaments. And I take great delight in saying that because God is no respecter of our arbitrary standards of who is “marryable” and who is not.

So, praise the Lord! Seriously! I’m not being flip. It’s actually quite difficult to take two self-centered people and move them toward making a lifetime commitment to each other. Marriage is an act of grace in action.

Inevitably, though, when I talk about praying for husbands, someone comes in a theological tangle, wondering if God is good to me and to anyone else who is still praying and still single. Should we even pray for husbands? Is that acceptable? What if we pray and we remain single—what then??

My first answer is that of course God is still good if we pray and remain single. Marriage is a gift for this life alone. If we have received forgiveness for our sins and life eternal, we have already received the biggest and best gift and one that is for all eternity. We didn’t miss out on God’s very best.

Secondly, if we are still alive, the story of God’s grace in our lives is still being written. We don’t know the future. Only He knows the beginning from the end (Is. 46:10 and Rev. 21:6) and so it is arrogant to assume we can survey our circumstances and conclude we know what God is doing. (See: Naomi. A woman who was so very sure God’s hand was against her that she wanted to be called “Bitter.” But as she stood complaining, she had no idea that God was already at work to provide food, a kinsman-redeemer, an heir, and even far more unexpectedly, a place in the lineage of her Savior!)

Thirdly, we have no other option, according to Scripture. Philippians 4:4-7 makes this very clear: “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” This passage makes it very easy for us to understand that all we can do is pray, be thankful, and avoid anxiousness, which leads to bitterness. We’re not in charge of the answers. We’re in charge of the petitions. So, petition away!

But be thankful in those petitions. Since we’re not the omniscient, omnipotent, perfect, holy, just, and merciful Being in these transactions, we get to be the grateful recipients. All the time. Without ceasing. “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

What circumstances do you find yourself in today? Give thanks and pray without ceasing. For as we keep our eyes on Him and praise Him in all circumstances (the good, the happy, the hard, the confusing, the horrifying), we silence the Accuser, the one who exists to blame God for not being good and blame us for not being good enough.

Of this I am supremely confident: When we see our Savior and Redeemer face to face, we will not regret being thankful for trusting Him, even in circumstances we could not control and would not have chosen. We will see then by the light of His glory all that He was doing in and through those very moments. What seemed like unanswered prayer will be set against the grand tapestry of His grace coursing through history. We will see what He was doing … and we will eternally praise Him for it.

So pray without ceasing and eagerly await what God does in and through these prayers.

Connecting Single and Married People in Community

Friends of mine in a nearby church told me about a great idea to promote friendships between married and single people in their church. This idea would work well in any community, but I'm so glad to see it was the brainchild of a married man who saw the value of creating contexts for people to get to know each other in their local congregation. So I asked Duncan & Rebekah Rein if they would share their story for this blog and they agreed. Below is Duncan's guest post and a request for help to set up other churches to use the same system hospitality system.

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I joined Capitol Hill Baptist Church in Washington, DC, in 1997 when there were only about 100 members and it was quite easy to know everyone in the church. Ten years later, I would attend a members’ meeting and see a bewildering array of new faces joining the church, while also saying goodbye to members who were leaving the area, many of whom had been members for a few years but I had never even met. My wife Rebekah joined the church in early 2008, shortly after our marriage. Rebekah was coming from a much smaller church and also felt a bit overwhelmed by the challenge of getting to know so many new people.

The membership of Capitol Hill Baptist is quite transient. That is a fact of life for a church located six blocks from the Capitol. Senior pastor Mark Dever has used the analogy of “embracing the parade,” loving people while they’re here and equipping them for ministry in a new local church in the event that they move away from the area.

I remembered my years in the church when I was in my 20’s. There were great examples of godly pastors, many of whom were accessible, but it was a bit challenging to get to know older men who were living out their faith in the workplace. However, one family in the church reached out to my roommates and me, inviting us over to dinner on several occasions and even including us as part of their family’s summer vacation at the lake each summer. These acts of hospitality made a big difference for us, as we grew more connected to people who were in a different life stage than we were.

Now, ten years later, I was sure that there must still be other younger members of the church who could benefit from stronger relationships with others outside their peer group. A couple of lunches with some younger members confirmed this anecdotally.

It occurred to both Rebekah and me that we were not doing a great job of “embracing the parade.” Partially, this was due to our selfishness with our time. We’re both introverted, and especially when we were both working long hours, we tended to want to guard our valuable free time. When we did take the initiative to spend time with others, it was typically much easier and much more comfortable to spend time with people we already knew, oftentimes drawing from a circle of friends who had been attending the church for a long time.

However, it appeared to us that there was some inertia that hampered not only our outreach efforts, but the efforts of other married couples who had similar desires and good intentions. With all the new members coming in, how would you even decide who to reach out to? And one-off invitations to people you’ve never talked to before can seem kind of random and out of the blue. Granted, these were small barriers that could be overcome, but in the whirlwind that is life in DC, even small barriers can become significant. We tried to come up with some ideas that would help overcome these structural barriers.

The solution we came up with was quite simple. We’d identify married couples who were interested in building stronger connections with singles in the church and could commit to hosting one dinner per month. And we’d identify singles in the church who were interested in building stronger connections with married couples, and who could commit to attending one dinner per month. People would be asked to commit for a six-month period.

Prior to the beginning of each month, each host couple would receive an email with seven or eight names and email addresses. It would then be up to them to schedule a dinner and invite the names on the list. Each host couple would host a different group of singles each month. The groups of singles would not remain static, but would get mixed up each month, so that over the course of six months, each person would get to know a large number of new people in a relaxed and informal setting.

By providing some centralized organization, we were able to eliminate the barrier of each married couple needing to figure out who they should reach out to, making it easier for them to be consistent and expansive in their outreach efforts. Furthermore, it was encouraging for married couples to know that their efforts each month were being supplemented by the efforts of others, and that each dinner was building, over an extended period of time, into a powerful force for good in the lives of all ministry participants.

We launched this ministry in early 2010. We originally estimated that we’d start with six married couples and 35-40 singles. Instead, we had about 80 singles express interest, and we were able to recruit 12 married couples to serve as hosts.

Since its beginning in early 2010, the ministry seems to have been encouraging for almost everyone involved. We received many notes from singles who appreciated the chance to connect with married couples and learn about God’s work in the lives of people they might not otherwise have come into contact with. It especially seemed to help newer members get plugged into the church more quickly. It helped the church feel a little smaller, both for the singles and for the host couples.

We also received positive feedback from host couples. Rebekah and I hosted a lot of dinners we probably otherwise wouldn’t have were it not for the organization and the accountability that the ministry brought. Not surprisingly, we had many months where work was extremely busy, and without the commitment of having already scheduled a dinner, it is likely that we would not have taken the initiative to try to reach out in hospitality to people we didn’t know. However, we were always extremely happy after the fact that we had pushed through and hosted because we invariably got to know a group of interesting people and enjoyed a rich time of fellowship with brothers and sisters in Christ who we would not have otherwise known.

Rebekah and I had assumed that most of the ministry participants would be young, but we were surprised and encouraged that single members in their 40s and 50s also participated and were able to contribute their wisdom and their perspective.

While the ministry was not intended to be a matchmaking ministry, we did hope to have reasonable gender balance. As things played out, young women in the church were as a group more enthusiastic about the ministry than the young men and signed up at a 3:1 ratio. While we would have liked to have seen more guys in the group, the guys that did participate largely seemed to enjoy the favorable ratio.

We heard persistent rumors that the ministry was an elaborate matchmaking service, and we heard that some guys shied away from it for that reason. The unexciting truth is that we wrote a computer program that generated random sets of names each month. The computer program made sure that a person would not be hosted by the same couple twice within a six-month period, but other than that the invite lists each month were completely random. Of course God is sovereign, even over randomly generated computer programs, and so we can’t deny the possibility that matchmaking could occur, but we did not play any active role, or try to orchestrate any matchmaking. That was not the point of the ministry.

The rotating dinners facilitated a multiplicity of relationships. We had hoped that this would provide the foundation for some new discipling relationships to grow organically. While we don’t have a record of how all the new relationships developed over time, we did receive several individual testimonies that were greatly encouraging. One illustrative example testimony is included below:

Dinner at Justin & Abigail's: I just got back to DC after what I thought was a short trip home to Texas over Memorial Day-- but I had an injury during that time and ended up having to stay home three weeks. This was my first get-together after that time-- I was exhausted, still healing from my injury, and really longing for friendship and connection. Abigail wrote me an e-mail and encouraged me to come. Looking back, this was one of my first times I really felt part of the CHBC fam. I met Leslie (and found we had a mutual friend), and David (and found we had similar heart growth since being at CHBC), and Abigail (mutual Texan and had a mutual friend). It was a really sweet dinner and I'm still benefiting from it!

Dinner at Noah & Lindsey's: This dinner and fellowship was SUPER timely. I was majorly discouraged. When I received Lindsey's reminder, I e-mailed her and just expressed my honest feelings-- that I was struggling with sin and really didn't desire or feel the worth of fellowshipping. She wrote me back an awesome e-mail, encouraging me to come just as I am and that we could go back and do dishes and talk if I needed to have a good cry. That night, I came, we had dinner, and we spent about an hour and a half singing. Everyone who came that night was musical-- so we had all different parts of harmony and a few instruments. It was seriously sweet time. That night opened up my life and their life and now I regularly connect with Lindsey, usually going over after work and just being a part of their life as a family for a few hours.

While Rebekah and I have enjoyed “embracing the parade,” unfortunately it looks as if we are going to be joining the parade in the near future. We are planning to move to Birmingham, AL this fall. The ministry has taken a break the last couple of months, as we seek to transition the management of it to someone else within the church. One thing we’re hoping to do is to build a simple website that will make this much easier to manage going forward. In theory, this would also make it easier for other churches to roll out the same concept. If you’re a tech geek who would like to help with this project, please feel free to contact me.

[Note from Carolyn: Post a comment and I'll forward it to Duncan.]

Lust: Not for Men Only

Here is a post I had the privilege of writing for the Desiring God blog.

We're well into the heat of summer now, and that means many churches across the American landscape have, at some point, reiterated the modesty message for the good church ladies everywhere.

Wait. I can actually see that eyeroll of yours even from here. But, friends, don't click away just yet. Because I am going to go where large swaths of American church culture need to go on this topic … but often don't.

I'm talking about lust. And women.

For the past eight years, I've had the privilege of writing two books and hundreds of articles and blog posts for women, which then led to numerous speaking engagements. Right from the start, I noticed a trend at each event, whether in the U.S. or abroad. Invariably, one woman would wait to talk to me until the bitter end, because she wanted to confess something that made her feel doubly shameful. She wanted to talk about her lust and sexual sin, a struggle she was sure was hers alone among the women in church.

How did these women arrive at this conclusion? Because for years most churches herded the men off to talk about lust, while gathering the women to discuss modesty. While those are valid and much needed messages, they are incomplete for the culture in which we now live.

To understand the times, let's look at the messages women have absorbed in recent years. There are stripper pole classes at the gym and women's magazines with screaming headlines about sex and seduction techniques. The morning talk shows candidly discuss sex toy parties. "Sex and the City" becomes a major franchise while "Girls Gone Wild" captures drunken sexual escapades among college students. Abercrombie & Fitch markets push-up bikini tops to 8-year-old girls. Lady Gaga bursts onto the pop music scene wishing she could shut her Playboy mouth. Not one item is sold in the mall without an erotic image. And women are increasingly immersed in online porn.

This highly sexualized culture is the new normal for young women who grew up in the ethos of third-wave feminism's pro-porn, pro-sex work stance. So normal that when I spoke at a Christian college earlier this year, one woman raised her hand to ask, "So are you saying that it's bad that there's too much pornographic influence in our culture? But shouldn't women embrace their sexuality?"

Um, yes. And yes. That answer highlights the problem: the counterfeit has usurped the authentic. Sex is God's idea and his good gift to be properly stewarded within his design. For that reason, the church should be the most pro-sex group there is. We have a message of hope and redemption in the morass of sexual confusion. But first we need to help the women who are confused and in our churches right now. Here are four points on how to do that:

1. Give the truth about sex and why it's attacked.

Let's start with that modesty message. If it's framed as a simple "don't tempt men" message, it is incomplete and easily dismissed. We need to back up and explain first what is good about God's gift and how it is distorted in a myriad of ways. We should equip young women to be discerning about the spiritual battle raging around sexuality. The Adversary has no need to improve upon his first character assassination of God. Contradicting God's boundaries and insinuating that he is holding out on his creatures is nearly foolproof.

2. Teach young women not to mistake broken for normal.

Then we need to teach young women how rapidly our culture became porn-saturated in only one generation. That's often news to those who grew up in it and therefore they often don't understand the brokenness that follows in the wake of the sexual imagery they accept as normal. As John Piper says, lust is the realm of thought, imagination, and desire that leads to sexual misconduct—and young women often overlook how their drive to be sexually desirable is smack in the middle of that realm.

When young women understand the cosmic consequences of sexual sin, the worldviews that shape our consumption of sexual messages today, and how God's glory is under spiritual attack, they will not mistake any modesty message for a frumpy fashion campaign. Nor will they resent the men around them for being impediments to whatever is stylish. Instead, they will be sobered by how Satan still "prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8)—and that men and women alike are fair game.

3. Stop thinking that only men have seeing problems.

Let's not assume that immodesty only affects the eyes of men. Women are becoming increasingly visualized as well, and can be distracted in similar, though perhaps not identical, ways. We also need to remember and help those women who wrestle with same-sex attraction. After I mentioned this recently at a large conference, several women came up to say this is their temptation and how hard it is for them to be open about it in the church. They fear misunderstanding, judgment and gossip.

4. Create a culture of light.

We need to clearly teach that lust is a human condition, not just a masculine one. Knowing God's glory is at stake, we need to create humble church cultures where secret sin is not kept in the dark, but rather brought into the light. If we rightly understand the doctrine of sin, we should never be surprised by our own temptations nor by the confessions of others. We should want to create "safe harbors" for God's people to confess, repent, and welcome accountability for change. The roaring lion waits in the cover of darkness to attack what he finds there, but "whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God" (John 3:21).

Let us help the women in our churches experience the freedom of living in the light.

Carolyn McCulley is an author, speaker, and documentary filmmaker. She has written more about third-wave feminism in her book, Radical Womanhood: Feminine Faith in a Feminist World.

Discernment and Sexual Predators

When I was 17, I briefly attended an unbiblical church. I was drawn in by the size of the youth group and the swirl of activity. There was plenty of discussion about wealth and prosperity, satanic back-masking in rock music, and spiritual gifts. But I don't recall anyone talking about sin, repentance, sanctification, sacrifice, suffering, or living for the glory of God. 

The youth ministry leader was 22 and a recent convert. Plenty of rumors swirled around him, but I gave them no credit until he invited me over to his townhouse. When he acted just like the non-churched men I knew and attempted to initiate a sexual relationship, I called him out. Then I turned him in to the senior pastor. As similar situations surfaced with other girls, much chaos and gossip ensued in the weeks that followed. I'd like to say that this all went down well, but it didn't. It turns out that is very costly to ignore both common sense (a single man only a few years older is leading the youth ministry?!) and Scripture's guidelines about leadership ("He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil" 1 Tim. 3:6). 

In the wake of this mess, I left that church and everything else to do with Christianity. I spent the next 12 years running from God, convinced I had seen the entire spectrum of faith and it was hollow and deceptive. But God, being rich in mercy (sweet, sweet words!), arrested my attention and regenerated my heart and faith on one Easter Sunday on a trip to South Africa. While I doubt I was genuinely regenerated as a teenager (my journals show little fruit), I still ponder that early church experience from time to time and how it dishonored the gospel.

Most recently, I recalled it as I read about a youth director in a local church who for five years was sexually involved with many girls from the youth group. The church did a poor job in vetting the hiring of this man (his previous employer told them about inappropriate contact with a 14-year-old girl), in considering the doctrine of sin ("the senior pastor said he was shocked to hear that his youth director could be involved in inappropriate behavior"), and in observing and correcting his questionable public interactions with the teen girls (cuddling, personal attention, partying). What's commendable, however, is that the church has undergone a long, public transformation process to correct the problems and create a church responsive to victims of sexual abuse.

Nevertheless, over the past few months, I kept coming back to this one thought: we need to instill discernment in young girls so that they can more readily identify abusers and predators. This ought to be embedded in our Titus 2 discipleship, our parenting, and our youth group leadership. Now, please hear me out. I am not piling on condemnation for the girls who were involved in this particular case, nor their families. They have my sympathy. But as I read their accounts, I kept thinking about them and many other young women I know who have been tripped up by the same smooth lies. It's the trend I want to address.

Predators and abusers offer the same routine each time -- you're special, no one else makes me feel this way, don't tell anyone, here's the justification for my questionable behavior, what we have is unique, etc. It never varies because it so consistently works. And you know why? I'm speaking broadly here, but I believe it is generally true: because the rest of us puff up the minds of girls with princess mythologies but we don't (often) equip them to recognize that Prince Charming needs to have some character, not just sweet talk. I can't tell you how many young women I've mentored who couldn't connect those dots. And in fact, how many got defensive when you pointed out the gap between the words and deeds of the smooth dude in question.

Therefore, based on my own experience, this particular church incident, and the interactions I've had with other women, here are the initial basics of a discipling discussion about discernment that I think we should have with every budding teenager (boys need to know these standards, too):

• If you can only remember one thing, this is it: What is legitimate and godly is done in the light, known by others, and doesn't violate biblical standards. Anything you experience that is done furtively, in the dark, and kept secret is nearly always sinful.
• Which means young women need to know biblical standards for godly living. They also need to know the Titus 1 and 1 Timothy 3 passage about the qualifications of leaders, so that they can recognize those who twist the Word for their own gain.
• They need to know that a man who genuinely loves them will honor this relationship publicly, a love that is shown like a banner over them (Song of Solomon 2:4).
• They need to know a godly man and a future husband is an imitator of God who walks in the light, avoiding sexual immorality, taking no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, and who desires to nourish and cherish his wife (all of Ephesians 5). Therefore, one who pursues sexual immorality and encourages them to lie and deceive others is not an imitator of God and needs to be confronted or exposed.
• They need to know the standards of godly speech, so that a man (especially a man in authority!) who texts and talks to them nonstop about sex is automatically suspect in his motives, because this reveals the defiling overflow of his heart (Matt. 15:19).
• They also need to recognize, in humility, that their desire for romance and pursuit is legitimate, but it can become the very thing that trips them up if they aren't willing to acknowledge this is exactly how predators and abusers work the system. If they aren't willing to consider that they are being lied to in any particular situation, they they aren't going to ask the hard questions--of the men or themselves.
• Love is an action. It is measured equally as much in the deeds of those who claim friendship or affection as it is in the proffered words. Make sure they match. 

This are just some of my initial thoughts. I'd like to hear your perspectives, too. I don't want young women to distrust men, but to be wise and discerning, able to question improper actions but also eager to encourage the godliness of others around them.

 

Privacy, Friends and Facebook

I am desperately waiting for a new social network--one that actually values its customers and the reasons they use social media. Until then, I'm stuck with the nation of Facebook. But it's precisely because of Facebook's arrogance in abusing its customers' privacy that I've had to risk offending a few people in my network recently.

Let me explain. A few months ago, Facebook rolled out facial recognition software and automatically made that option available on all of its customers' profiles--despite any kind of custom privacy levels we had already chosen. Right after that happened, I had a few conversations with some of my local friends (i.e., people I often see in the flesh and not on a screen) about their own preferences in being online. Some don't want to be "Google-able" because of the sensitive nature of their jobs. (There are a lot of those people employed by three-letter agencies in the DC area). Some simply don't want their business known everywhere and don't want to be tagged in photos. And some don't want pictures of their children online. 

That made me think through the impact of my choices on their privacy. Because I am an author, speaker, and filmmaker I have chosen to put myself in a more public position, albeit one that barely blips on the celebrity radar screen. When Facebook got started, there wasn't a very good option to separate your personal network from your professional network. As I recall, you could create a fan page and that seemed awkward to me. I couldn't imagine asking someone to become my "fan" instead of my "friend." Eventually, Facebook allowed people to create public pages for their professional efforts. By that point, I already had a jumbled network of people as Facebook friends, some of whom I had never met, some I'd only briefly met, and some whom I really knew and could recognize their names and faces. And my personal updates and pictures of friends and family went out to all of them.

Procrastination won the day for quite some time because I didn't relish having to sort it all out. But after the latest Facebook blunder, I figured I owed it to my flesh-and-blood relationships to do the hard work of paring down my friend network and setting up a public page. I am still in that process. So far, most people have been very gracious about my notice to defriend them and my invitation to join my public page. I am honored by their initial interest in my activities, so I have been slowly writing personal notes to each and every one of them, explaining my reasons. It's a lot of work, but I hope it minimizes any offense. In the end, I'm sure that most people will find what I post on my public page a lot more relevant than the latest pictures of a cookout, kids playing or something else equally mundane in the course of life.

Having a Facebook public page also means that this blog will continue to be the place where I write longer entries. But my public page is likely to be updated more often with quick links and items of interest. I invite you to join that page if you want to be updated more than once every week to ten days -- or whenever I have a thought longer than 400 characters. 

Oh, and while I'm explaining my views about online networking, let me also clarify that my Twitter account is primarily about film news and updates. So if you want to know more about the world of Citygate Films, please feel free to follow that. But it might bore you if you're not a hardcore film person. I'm also on LinkedIn, but not very active. Since that is a professional network, I really am selective about connections there. I will only accept links to people I have worked with or know fairly well. 

Social media has so many implications for our relationships -- how we use it, when we use it, how it is read, etc. I'd like to hear more from you all how you process these decisions and what biblical concepts have shaped your use of it.

Do One Better

"It’s hard to do everything, but it isn’t hard to just do one better." Angle Smith has a great blog post about how valuing relationships and the needs of others can be walked out even in the midst of crushing deadlines. Here is a great example of what Philippians 2:4 looks like when you consider the needs of others as being more important than your own. Check it out.

Abstinence Rising Among Young Adults

The National Survey on Family Growth released a report yesterday on sexual behavior, sexual attraction, and sexual identity in the U.S. Of all the trends profiled in this report, one has captured the attention of most media: abstinence is on the rise among young adults. As the Washington Post reported:

Among the findings of a sweeping federal government survey of American sexual behavior is one that may surprise those bewailing a permissive and eros-soaked popular culture: More than one-quarter of people interviewed in their late teens and early 20s had never had sex.

And the number was growing.

The latest round of the quaintly named National Survey of Family Growth found that among 15-to-24-year-olds, 29 percent of females and 27 percent of males reported no sexual contact with another person ever - up from the 22 percent of both sexes when the survey was last conducted in 2002.

"The public's general perception is that when it comes to young people and sex, the news is bad and likely to get worse," said Bill Albert, chief program officer of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, an advocacy organization in Washington.

The seventh and latest round of the survey, first done in 1973, provides a corrective to that view.

"Many, many young people have been very receptive to the message of delaying sexual activity," Albert said. "There's no doubt about it." He added that the nearly 40 percent reduction in teen pregnancy since the 1990s - which experts attribute to both increased condom use and increased abstinence - represents "extraordinary progress on a social issue that many once considered intractable."

That young adults see the value of abstinence may be a surprise to some, but around Citygate's offices it's what we've been focused on for the last few months. I've been working with director Suzanne Taylor on her film, The Road We Know, which is about a group of young adults in Botswana who are facing the second-highest HIV/AIDS infection rate in the world and boldly advocating for behavior change in a culture where it's taboo to talk openly about sex and disease. I'd like to introduce them to you through two short videos: an opening excerpt where their passion for their message is evident and the current production trailer for the unfinished film. 

If you like what you see, you can become a patron of the film through Indiegogo. Your support would be so meaningful to us! Please help us spread the news about the film. Any financial and prayer support would be wonderful in these final stages of film production!

Photo: A production still from THE ROAD WE KNOW.

Prayer Brings New Life to Barren Areas

Nearly seven years ago, I was part of a group of women in my church who were fasting and praying for marriage, for single men to be saved and added to our church, and for God to bless the single men who were already part of our church. A year and a half later, I wrote about God's faithfulness in answering those prayers. Here's an excerpt:

At the time, it was nearly impossible to add another meeting to our collective schedules. So we decided to form an online prayer group. The first of every month, we decided to set aside time to pray and fast for God to provide husbands. Over email, we would share Scripture verses or prayers with each other.

As if often happens, the group lasted for about a year and then slowly dissipated. But God, who is rich in mercy, did not waver in faithfulness toward us. Several weeks ago, I thought about this original group of 16 women. We range in age from early 20s to late 40s. Since we began praying, one has already gotten married, three are engaged, one is currently in a courtship, and two have been pursued for courtship. There may even be other relationships that I'm unaware of, but without canvassing the original group this is what I know at present. That includes women from both ends of the age spectrum--the Lord is not bound by what we might consider to be limitations. In fact, the group was rather diverse, and the statistics I just quoted included women raised in the church and women saved as adults, women from other nations, women with significant health challenges, and single mothers.

I hope this encourages anyone reading today who is despairing because of her circumstances or what "conventional wisdom" says about extended singleness. I remember that when we started this group, I had been crying out to God to glorify Himself in our weakness. I distinctly remember standing outside one night and praying while looking at the stars. I told God I wanted all the glory to be given to Him. I didn't want any method, practice, or dating business to be held up as the solution for our record high number of single adults in the church. I wanted to experience the same grace George Mueller did as he cared for thousands of orphans in 19th-century England: to take all my needs to God in prayer so that He got all the praise when the prayers were answered.

I've been thinking about this group because another one of those dear friends from that original prayer group is getting married this weekend and I have the honor of being one of her bridesmaids. In fact, as I think about it, the vast majority of the women from that group are already married. What a testimony to the faithfulness of God to answer prayer!

Since starting that group, I've become aware of how many other praying groups of women exist in our nation and even around the world, including my friend Candice Watters, who wrote a book and started a blog about women praying boldly for marriage. Most recently, another friend has been sending me emails about a group of women who are fasting and praying for husbands each Monday. This email group grew too large and soon became a blog. It began back in 2007 and now includes women from around the world. One of the contributors to this blog, Connally, wrote this entry to encourage those praying this week:

As you probably know, we just switched up to this blog format.  The fun thing about this is that as people sign up, we can see where they are located.  In addition to people signing up from throughout the U.S.—from Mississippi to Vermont, from San Francisco to Atlanta—we have people from Canada, Mexico, the Dominican Republic, Netherlands, Ireland, Germany, Australia, Italy, Dubai, Bangladesh, India, Russia, Hong Kong, and Japan!  It’s amazing.  In other words, and I hope this encourages you, the widespread gender/relational angst and the related wave of “unintentional singleness” isn’t just “your issue,” but it’s something experienced by many.

So, given the fact that it’s not just an isolated experience for one or two women who are “too picky” or “too desperate,” “too strong” or “too weak,” we inevitably come back to asking what we can do.  And I’d like to propose that praying really matters.  Recently, I read an article about praying for those who are yet to know Jesus as God’s beloved Son (let alone themselves as God’s beloved child).  The author made the point that “travailing” in prayer, “laboring” on behalf of these friends/colleagues/neighbors/family members, is integral to God’s Spirit birthing new life in these men, women, and children.

Interestingly enough, the examples that the author—a man—uses to support the importance of laboring in prayer are almost all taken from Biblical stories of barren woman who persistently prayed to be delivered from their barrenness.  These women had passionate desire, these women were compelled by their longings, these women unflinchingly wanted to see and experience fruit in their lives.  And so they prayed their guts out! (Take a look below at the references.)

Now I am not saying that there is a magic formula in the sense that fervent prayer guarantees a particular, personal outcome (let’s face it, there were 5 of us initially involved in this prayer and fasting thing, and 4 have gotten married.  Guess who number 5 is?….So I’m under no illusion that we control God).  But, I am saying that there is historic precedent of women—who tend to feel the pain of relational gaps more deeply than men—taking that pain and transforming it into powerful prayers on behalf of new life growing in the gaps (be that new relationships, new children, new growth, or new spiritual life in those we love).

So please know this week as you pray, your prayers—perhaps born out of barrenness in your own life on some level—are one of the means that God has always used to bring about new life.  He has done it for generations of people, and he is doing it literally around the world.  You don’t need to deny your longings, your aches, your confusion or your hopes.  Rather, let those realities become the powerful fuel for your prayers—for our prayers—for new and robust life.

No matter what your petitions are to God today, I hope you are encouraged by this view that we are privileged to be able to intercede in prayer and see God bring life out of the barren aspects of our existence.