Radical Womanhood

Leap Year Traditions

I'm going to be away from the blog for the next week. So while I'm offline, I'm going to be pointing you to some of my other cyber-friends.

Today, I have the pleasure of introducing my friend, Erin Sutherland, who wrote a post for the New Attitude blog about the gospel and dating. You should note what is special about today, ladies! Once every four years, the tables are turned and legend has it that women are free to propose on Leap Year. As Erin writes:

Back in the 5th century, Saint Bridget complained to Saint Patrick that women were forced to wait too long for a marriage proposal.  According to legend, St. Patrick set aside one day every four years so forlorn females could ‘pop the question.’  That day is February 29th.  The tradition has found its way around the world; Scotland even made it a law in 1288—and any man who refused a proposal was required to pay a fine!  The idea is: leap year can fix calendar problems, and ‘female proposal days’ can fix lack-of-marriage problems.

Wait for it. When this article pops up on the Na blog, it's going to be good.

Speaking of turning the tables on Leap Year, I'd like to commend my manly friends for discovering the delights of tea. Such a great beverage should not be restricted to the province of females!

Here we have some of my friends visiting London and properly acknowledging the local culture by taking tea at Harrod's. From left: Matt, Nathan, Nathan, and Ken. 

The next photo are four tea newbies and their female friends at the Mayflower in D.C. We gathered in honor of a female friend's milestone birthday (I plead the Fifth regarding any details) and the guys were more than willing to do tea--they even planned it. From left: Angelita, Cleo, Michael, Jane, Jeff, Drew, Melanie, me, Aida, Margaret, and Ian.

Hmmm....a man willing to do tea might be just the kind of man to attract a Leap Year proposal. ;)

The Pink Bear Parable

Meet Pink Bear.

Pink Bear is a much-beloved bear. My niece, Claire, has literally loved the stuffing out of him.

Pink Bear was "born" within days of Claire. He has been her constant companion for the last eleven years. He has been patched beyond recognition, but nothing about his appearance lessens Claire's ardor for him. He has a place of honor on her bed along with her newer dolls and bears.

"Don't make fun of him, Aunt Carolyn," she charged me gravely when she granted permission to photograph him. Would that I dared! I once jokingly referred to him as Pink Wad, a mistake I will not repeat.

You see, I want to end up like Pink Bear. I want to love and be loved until all that remains is a tattered remnant. Then may the Lord gently lay me to rest, closing my mortal eyes until the day I exchange an imperishable body for the one that wore out.

Claire did not choose Pink Bear, but she did choose to love him. She received Pink Bear in the hospital when she was just a day or two old. Her commitment to him has been fierce, striking fear and panic into the hearts of her family whenever Pink Bear seemed to be lost.

Pink Bear also gives me hope for her generation. Living in the shadow of those who believed that freedom of choice and "keeping your options open" would lead to maximized personal happiness (which didn't happen), maybe her generation will see the light of truth.

That's why, in honor of Pink Bear, I am highlighting an article that appeared in The Washington Post yesterday, titled "C'mon, Get Happy? It's Easier Said Than Done." The article featured the work of Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert, "who has made it his life's work to understand why people not only make errors in predicting what will make them happy, but also why they make the same errors over and over again." Two key findings:

• Keeping your options open won't necessarily make you happier.

Given the choice, people like to keep their options open.

When researchers asked people whether they preferred to take home a poster they had to keep or take home one that could be exchanged later on, most people chose the latter. But it was people who made irrevocable choices early on who ended up happier with their posters.

Gilbert said the finding prompted him to go home and propose to the woman he had been living with: "I always thought love causes marriage, but my data said marriage causes love," he said. "When you lock yourself in something you cannot get out of, you will find ways to be happier. . . . I do love my wife more than I loved my girlfriend, and they are the same person."

• The things you fear are not as bad as you think.

  Gilbert said a number of experiments have found that people overestimate how unhappy they will be after a tragic event, and this keeps them from taking risks in life.

  Torn between life choices? The experimental results suggest the worst option is usually indecision -- no matter what choice people make, they are more likely to be okay with the consequences than if they stay on the fence...

  "For as long as anyone can remember," Gilbert once noted, "people have hungered for information about their personal futures, confident that if they knew their fates, they would also know their fortunes. Alas, knowing the future is not the same as knowing how much one will like it when one gets there."

Ah. God's principles, proven once again.

The bolded sentences are my emphases. Since we are still in the dawning moments of a new year, I suspect there are a few people out there who want a Pink Bear kind of love, but who are hesitant to make a commitment. It shouldn't take a Harvard psychologist to remind us that there is only One Being who knows the future and He is the God who gives us the grace for those future days. Seeking tomorrow's grace today only leads to indecision--the least satisfying, and most importantly, the least fruitful, option.

You may be worried that the one you love today, while still a sleek, unblemished bear, will one day look like Pink Bear does today. Well, it will definitely happen. I can guarantee it. It will happen even if you don't make a decision. Time makes Pink Bears of us all. The wonder is that the commitment to love now and trust God for the future is the very thing that utterly transforms Pink Bear in the eyes of the beholder into a thing of beauty.

Well done, Claire. I have already begun praying for your future husband. May Pink Bear still have enough fluff in him to make it to the day you get married. I think he'd like to meet his successor.

'Falling Into Sexual Sin'

It's time to bring back the Q&A format again. Here is a question I received a few months ago...

Q: I am in my late 20s, but I am currently not connected to a church (though I do listen to a lot of sermons from your church). I've been wanting to be in a church but I'm still praying for a church. When I was teenager, I became a born-again Christian. I have committed to follow Christ and to seek His will in my life, especially in finding a partner. I've been praying for a Christian partner after I broke up a few months ago with my fiance who wasn't a believer. I am still feeling so guilty because I had pre-marital sex with him.

Recently, I met a Christian guy in the office and we we began to share about our faith and pray together. We got closer, developed a friendship and somehow dated, thinking we were both answers to our prayers of having a believer for a partner. Now, I don't know what to do because we've fallen into the sin of pre-marital sex again. I want to align myself back to God. Please help me know what to do. Should I avoid him?

First, thank you for writing and seeking help with a clear confession. Being a total stranger at the other end of your computer, I can only help you a little bit. You need the tangible Body of Christ, but I'll get back to that in a moment.

To answer your question, no, I don't think you need to avoid people. Scripture tells us to flee from sin (1 Cor. 6:12-20). There are choices and compromises that we make along the way to sexual sin--and these are the situations we need to examine. I'm glad you know that premarital sex is a sin. But it may be helpful to think about the words you used to describe it. When you say you've "fallen into sin," it sounds passive, like it was a hole that just opened up before you and you tumbled in. But actually, you've made several choices along the way before the "big" sin occurred--choices like entertaining lustful thoughts, being alone with a man at intimate hours or places, allowing him to make advances toward you or drawing him by your own seductive behavior, and engaging in all the foreplay that leads up to sex. At each of those steps, you have a choice to be obedient to God or to your flesh. Scripture tells us to flee precisely because the Holy Spirit is well aware of how strong sexual temptation can be. We can't stand around and think about it, or else we will surely weaken and give in to the flesh.

It's also important to understand that sex is God's creation and His very good gift to husbands and wives. That strong sexual pull is designed to keep couples together. Sex in and of itself is not bad. It's quite powerful, but outside of the proper channels, it is destructive. Just open up your newspaper one day and look for all the articles about adultery, pornography, sex trafficking, child abuse, rape, STDs, etc. That's the result of human beings deciding they know how to handle sexuality without God's life-preserving boundaries.

Since this has happened a few times with different guys, you should step back and examine what you are doing to tempt both you and the other man. It may not be necessary to avoid your boyfriend, but to avoid your own thinking and behavior patterns. If you are truly repentant before God, if you see sin as He does, then there is also grace for forgiveness. Perfection does not merit us for a gift like marriage--but your future marriage will be a lot better and more God-glorifying if you learn to curb lust now, for certainly lust will follow you into marriage and so will the consequences of prior sin.

That said, avoidance and terminating a relationship are two different things. Avoidance is generally a non-communicative way of skirting an issue. Avoiding your boyfriend won't accomplish anything fruitful. But talking to him will help you make the right decision about whether to proceed in this relationship. The most important thing is to find out if he, too, is convicted of sin and eager to demonstrate the fruits of repentance. If not, flee. Men are called by God to lead, and if his leadership is not built upon godly principles, he will lead you right back into sin. That's when you need to end your relationship, though it should not be done self-righteously or unkindly but soberly in view of the seriousness of sin.

If you decide to go forward with your relationship, are you accountable to mature Christians? Both of you? If so, you will need their help to avoid the temptation of sexual sin and their prayers for perseverance. I encourage you to be honest and transparent with someone who knows you well and who loves you enough not to be silent about your sin. Ideally, this would be someone from within your church. And that brings me back to your first point. You can't be a lone ranger Christian and flourish--to wit, the issues you are facing. None of us is strong enough, or fruitful enough, or effective enough, or wise enough to think we don't need the help of others. You need regular teaching from a pastor who is accountable before God for your life and the lives of others in his church--not just messages from pastors of other churches. And you need fellowship, insight, and care from others in the flock. In fact, I would argue this aspect of being unchurched is one of the reasons you are struggling.

Finally, I highly recommend Josh Harris' book, Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is) to help you further understand this sin. It's a good book for both men and women to read, so perhaps this is something you and your boyfriend can study independently.

I hope this helps you. And because my answers are to the point, I hope you know that they are not said with impatience, but with empathy as a fellow sinner in need of her Savior!

Heartfelt Words

Score another one for biblical wisdom. I found this nugget a few weeks ago in The New York Times. "Marital Spats, Taken to Heart" unwittingly proves that what Scripture says makes for a godly, fruitful and peaceful marriage is exactly what is needed for healthy hearts, too (the emphasis is mine):

Utah researchers have videotaped 150 couples to measure the effect that marital arguing style has on heart risk. The men and women were mostly in their 60s, had been married on average for more than 30 years and had no signs of heart disease. The couples were given stressful topics to discuss, like money or household chores, and the comments made during the ensuing arguments were categorized as warm, hostile, controlling or submissive. The men and women also underwent heart scans to measure coronary artery calcium, an indicator of heart disease risk.

The researchers found that the style of argument detected in the video sessions was a powerful predictor for a man or woman’s risk for underlying heart disease. In fact, the way the couple interacted was as important a heart risk factor as whether they smoked or had high cholesterol, says Timothy W. Smith, a psychology professor at the University of Utah, who presented the study last year to the American Psychosomatic Society.

For women, whether a husband’s arguing style was warm or hostile had the biggest effect on her heart health. Dr. Smith notes that in a fight about money, for instance, one man said, “Did you pass elementary school math?” But another said, “Bless you, you are not so good with the checkbook, but you’re good at other things.” In both exchanges, the husband was criticizing his wife’s money management skills, but the second comment was infused with a level of warmth. In the study, a warm style of arguing by either spouse lowered the wife’s risk of heart disease.

But arguing style affected men and women differently. The level of warmth or hostility had no effect on a man’s heart health. For a man, heart risk increased if disagreements with his wife involved a battle for control. And it didn’t matter whether he or his wife was the one making the controlling comments. An example of a controlling argument style showed up in one video of a man arguing with his wife about money. “You really should just listen to me on this,” he told her.

What’s particularly notable about the study is that the men and women filled out standard questionnaires about the quality of their relationships, but those answers were not a good predictor of cardiovascular risk. The difference in risk showed up only when the quality of the couple’s bickering style was assessed.

Interesting, isn't it? Here's what Scripture tells us:

"Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them." (Colossians 3:18-19 ESV)

"Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." (1 Peter 3:1-2 NIV)

"Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." (1 Peter 3:17 ESV)

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. . . . Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." (Ephesians 5:1-2; 22-33 NIV)

God commands wives not to battle their husbands for control, but to trust God to lead them through their husbands. So what does this study find? Men biologically respond to the battle for control. In the same way, God commands men to love their wives with honor, consideration, and as he loves himself. And what does this study find? Women biologically respond to belittling words, words that communicate a lack of respect, honor or consideration.

In any of our relationships, let us strive to "be imitators of God" and live a life of love, remembering the impact of our words on the souls--and bodies--of those around us.

(Photo illustration courtesy of The New York Times.)

Hearing God's Voice, Take Two

These days, it is common for news articles to talk about the dangers of being online. But there is also a blessing to be found in the blogosphere--that of accountability for one's words. My policy on my blog (see my sidebar) is that I'm unable to moderate and publish comments because of the limitations of my schedule. But I do read every comment that comes in. This feedback is valuable, especially when I've been unclear or even incorrect.

Recently, I received a helpful comment from a man named Tim, who respectfully questioned the way I interpreted a passage in John 10 for an article titled, "When God Speaks About Relationships." Tim wrote:

I do not agree with the inferences you draw from Jesus' words in John 10. That's primarily because of what's going on in John 10--the topic under consideration. Jesus wasn't discussing matters of how Christians live their lives, or how we receive guidance from God. He was discussing matters of salvation, and His identity as the good shepherd who will lay down His life, and how some people recognize Him for who He is and respond by following Him but some people don't. It's iffy to try to apply the phrase "hear my voice" in this passage to another topic that doesn't show up in the context.

So I forwarded his remarks to my pastor, Isaac Hydoski, and asked Isaac for his review in how I handled the Word and how I was trying to address my main point about processing your impressions of God's leading. Isaac provided this helpful clarification:

I think we can draw a conclusion from this text that God does indeed speak to us today but I don't think I would have used this text as a primary means to do that. What seems to be the clear context of this verse is our relationship with God through Christ and how Jesus functions at the center of that relationship. But there is a "experiential" aspect to this in that Jesus is implying in that the sheep "know" and "hear" his voice, and appropriately respond to his voice. So, I believe we can infer from this verse how we hear from God.

D.A. Carson says about this verse: "The theme of mutual knowledge of the shepherd and the sheep, is also of great importance. This mutual recognition, or better mutual knowledge, is clearly experiential, and is analagous of the mutual knowledge of the Father and the Son."

I likely would have used verses such as Hebrews 1:1-2 to show us that the normative way in which God speaks to us today is through the revealed Word of God, His Son. God speaking through His Word is the norm, and should function in such a way for us as we seek counsel from God and others. That said, I believe it would be unwise to conclude that God cannot speak through "impressions," "a sense" or even, should He choose to do so, an audible voice as we commune with Him. God spoke audibly many times during Jesus’ ministry (baptism, transfiguration, etc.), spoke audibly to Paul on the road to Damascus, etc. These impressions simply need to be tested by the wisdom and authority of Scripture and the fellowship of God’s people. I would also add that how the Spirit brings conviction to us through the Word is an example of God speaking today. I use the phrase that I "heard his voice" in moments like that where Scripture illumines my thoughts and intentions of my heart and moves me towards repentance.

I am grateful for the opportunity to correct my original column. Given the volume of output on this blog, I don't expect to be error-free. My main point in the column remains--that our impressions of God's leading and speaking need to be evaluated by Scripture and by the input and counsel of God's people. But I regret leaning on the wrong text to support my point. Thanks to the fellowship of the blogosphere, I have this opportunity to amplify this column and bring the better teaching from my pastor to each of you.

Thanks again to Tim for taking the time to review my column and send in helpful feedback. For everyone else, please do send in your comments. I hope this encourages you that I actually read them!

When God Speaks About Relationships

[Here's an article I did for Crosswalk, based on a question I received following the testimony of two of my friends in a blog post titled, When God Speaks to a Single Man. With the permission of the correspondent, I used it as a basis for this month's Crosswalk column. An except follows below...]

QUESTION: I am a single woman and I read an interesting testimony where a single man said that during his personal devotions, God told him to pursue a certain woman. This man wasn’t praying about her or even considering her, but he was sure it was God’s voice. But then he continued to pray about it, sought counsel from others, and over time came to believe he had truly heard from God. So he did ask this woman out and they eventually married. But I don’t get this. If God is speaking clearly, why are counsel and prayer necessary? Isn’t that relying on men and not on God? Does God really speak clearly to mankind today apart from His written word?

ANSWER: This is a great question to ask, because when it comes to discerning God’s leading in the area of romance, our emotions often cloud our subjective evaluation. Some people lean very heavily on their own interpretation of signs and impressions. Others lean very heavily on their own desires and understanding, without seeking God in prayer. It’s easy for us to live in the extremes—but it’s always a mistake to do so.

Does God Still Speak?

Let me start with your last question first: Does God still speak to mankind today apart from His written word? Scripture is full of references to God leading and guiding His people (Ps. 16:7; 25:9; 32:8), but I think one of the most helpful passages about God’s voice is found in the gospel of John.

“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me—just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd. . . . My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.” (John 10:14-16; 27-28 NIV)

Jesus promises that His people know His voice. He compares this relationship to dependent sheep that need a shepherd to lead them to food and water and to protect them from harm. Relationships are not based on a one-time command (“follow me”); they are built upon ongoing dialogue. In fact, the Bible presents many different relationship metaphors for the way God interacts with His people—father, bridegroom, master, teacher, and, of course, the good shepherd. A relationship cannot exist in a vacuum of communication. We are not called to be in a monologue with the Lord or in a relationship with a book. The book points to its Author, who still speaks to His children today.

So how do you recognize the Lord’s voice? [Read the rest of the article on Crosswalk.com.]

Dating: When Words and Choices Clash

Dan Phillips at Team Pyro lit up the blogosphere last week with this classic Pyromaniac analysis of Christians dating unbelievers. I bet you haven't encountered this spin on "missionary dating" before. Here's an excerpt:

Let me approach the issue another way.

Would you date a child molestor? Oh, of course not. Instant deal-killer. Thief, murderer? No and no. Rapist? Never. Those are really bad things.

But not as bad as being an enemy of God (Proverbs 15:9; Ephesians 2:3)? I think we have some seriously skewed priorities.

See, if you are in a dating relationship with someone who doesn't love Christ, you've already said the Christ-issue isn't the issue to you. Her looks, his job, the way she treats you, his sense of humor— whatever; these things matter more to you than Christ does. . . .

See? You've already dealt a death-blow to your own credibility. You really might as well stop talking. Your priorities, your choices, have drowned out your words (cf. the principle of Titus 1:16).

To be clear, I agree that missionary dating has problems. I've written about it before. It's the mixed messages and mixed motives that present problems. But friendship evangelism is both good and necessary! We need to reach out to others--but in relationships with no strings/expectations attached.

When Talking Doesn't Help

When you are swamped by your emotions, you probably turn to a close friend to talk about it. But there's a type of conversation that is unhelpful, especially among women. Christians might call it rehearsing the sins of others, confessing unbelief, or neglecting to "preach the gospel" to yourself. Secular therapists would call it "co-rumination," according to a Washington Post article titled "Enough Talk, Already."

Social scientists are realizing that while talking may strengthen female friendships and leave pals feeling temporarily better, it can also lead to increased anxiety and depression if perspective and problem-solving aren't included rather quickly. And what about the husband who listens every night to his wife complain about her job, then one morning at breakfast offers her steps to get out of her funk? Perhaps he deserves credit rather than having a cup of coffee thrown at him.

"There's a distinction between healthy catharsis and unhealthy rumination," says Alice Rubenstein, a clinical psychologist in Rochester, N.Y. "Catharsis is a form of venting, of not leaving stuff inside." When it turns into rumination with others, she says, "it becomes contagious. You have a sinking ship, and rather than bailing water, you're making more holes in the ship."

Amanda Rose, an associate professor of psychological sciences at the University of Missouri at Columbia, discovered this when she surveyed about 800 boys and girls, ages 8 to 15, twice over six months, attempting to assess depression, anxiety and friendship quality. Rose and her colleagues found that both boys and girls reported drawing closer to their self-identified best friends. But girls also demonstrated symptoms of increased anxiety and depression as their friendships deepened. Boys showed no such symptoms. When she repeated the study on college students, she got the same results.

Advances in the science of the brain help explain this. According to Louann Brizendine, a neuropsychiatrist at the University of California at San Francisco, the female brain picks up emotional cues, both verbal and nonverbal, more quickly than the male brain. Starting at about age 12, girls put feelings into words more efficiently than boys. The key thing, though, according to Brizendine, author of the controversial book "The Female Brain," is this: Brains learn by repetition. Repeating negative thoughts can make not only the injured party but those around her more, rather than less, distressed and angry. ...

Girlfriends hoping to help another friend should ask themselves a couple of things, according to the experts. Will encouraging the friend to spill more dirt actually help her? Or is it time to flip the conversation over to what the friend may be contributing to the problem and what she is going to do?

I'm glad social scientists are discovering the Scriptural truth that there is wise speech and there is foolish speech--and that our words do impact our souls. But I would add one more question to that list: "Is it time to flip the conversation over to what the friend believes about God in her circumstances?"

I agree that women can listen well and listen empathetically to each other. I am grateful for my friends who listen to me as I sort out my emotions. But my gratitude grows when they remind me of gospel truth in the midst of my circumstances--when they remind me of who God is, when they gently point out sins I may be blind to, and when they offer help for my weaknesses. Such friends are wise women, and priceless gifts from God.

The lips of the wise spread knowledge; not so the hearts of fools.--Proverbs 15:7 (NIV)

Love Bears All Things

This year, on Valentine's Day, I ran a testimony by Larissa Whiteley, about her faith in God after her boyfriend ended up in a coma after a car accident. Six months later, Larissa is still persevering. Her boyfriend, Ian Murphy, is showing some improvement--which is an encouraging answer to the prayers of thousands--though technically he is still considered to be in a coma.

This week, Larissa posted an entry titled "Dating Ian," about what it means to persevere in love in an extended trial like this. She wrote:

I sometimes wonder what Ian and I look like from the outside. What do people think when we are out on dates? Do they know that we're dating or do they just think that I'm a sister or a friend? For people that do know us, does it seem strange to them that I'm pushing my boyfriend in a wheelchair and talking to him even though he can't talk back to me? People often tell me that any other girl would leave in a situation like this. From the outside, it probably looks as though this relationship is all one-sided right now. Our relationship doesn't look or seem normal because we can't do things that "normal" couples do. I would've thought the same thing before the accident and still do in times of doubt.

Several people who commented on this post said they've seen Larissa out with Ian and how it has encouraged their faith. One woman, Lee Ann Cramer, said: "Larissa, When I see you pushing Ian around in his wheelchair and talking to him, I do not think that it is strange. I think that it is an amazing example of Christ's sacrifical love for us. It is a wonderful thing, how much you care for him, in such a selfless way. You are honoring God in the way you care for Ian. And those of us who love God also, see the way you care for Ian and only hope that we can show the same love to our loved ones. Take heart Larissa. The one who sees and knows all, sees your good deeds and is pleased."

This post is for all of you who are loving others in sacrificial ways and getting weary. May the perspective Larissa shares in the rest of her entry about love bearing all things refresh your faith today.

The Art of the Apology

As apologies go, this one was really lame.

Worse yet, it was delivered over e-mail a few days too late: "Hey, too bad I couldn't make it on Saturday. Something came up. Sorry if it caused a problem."

Anna hit the delete button and swallowed her resentment. The previous Saturday she had hosted a dinner party for several friends. It was the culmination of several weeks of planning, a sizable cash outlay, two nights of cleaning, and one day of cooking. It was a labor of love for several good friends — and a potential audition for the role of a wife. She had hoped her domestic skills would be appreciated and projected into the future by a certain single man. But he was AWOL by the time dinner was served.

"That's what I get for making the effort," she mumbled to herself as the tears began their descent. "He is so not worth it."

The next time Anna saw Mark at a singles event, she refused to make eye contact and coolly walked away.

"I can't believe it — she blew me off," Mark complained to his buddy. "Did you see that? I apologized to her and now she won't even talk to me!"

Sorry if ...

Those two words are a dodge. They attempt to address the tension in the air but they diffuse nothing. "If" implies the offense isn't evident, requiring the speaker to offer a vague assessment of the problem while skirting any responsibility for it. A simple "sorry" is an air-kiss in the direction of a true acknowledgment of wrong-doing. Offered together, they typically fuel the offense, rather than placate it.

This is the kind of phrase we typically utter when we recognize there is tension in a relationship, but we don't want to put in the hard work to accomplish genuine reconciliation.

And it always comes across as hollow as it is.

[The rest of the article can be read on Boundless.org.]