Radical Womanhood

Practical Counsel on Singleness (Radio Series)

Several years ago, I met with Nancy Leigh DeMoss and a group of single women to record a Q&A session on various aspects of womanhood and singleness. I'd nearly forgotten about it, but Revive Our Hearts is running that conversation on their radio show this week. We are all over the map with humor, biblical perspectives, honesty, and encouragement as we discuss practical topics such as selfishness, bitterness, hope deferred, relating to families, encouraging single men, and loads more. You can listen to the audio recordings or read the transcripts on the Revive Our Hearts website this week.

Anxiety, Conflict, and the Peace of the Lord

Last month, I heard a wonderful sermon from pastor, author, and rap artist Curt Allen. It is a great follow-on to the earlier post I did about the book, Redeeming Church Conflicts.

Curt addressed anxiety, conflict, and the peace of the Lord from Philippians 4:2-8, an oft-quoted passage of Scripture written by the apostle Paul. What I love about this passage is that it begins by addressing the conflict that two women were having in the early church at Philippi: "I entreat Euodia and I entreat Syntyche to agree in the Lord. Yes, I ask you also, true companion, help these women, who have labored side by side with me in the gospel together with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life."

After addressing this conflict, Paul launches into a passage that highlights one of the most common temptations for women: anxiety due to relational conflict. Paul's antidote to conflict and anxiety is what Curt calls the trump card: "The Lord is at hand" (v. 6). As Curt explains, the "trump card" of the promise of the Lord's return is the motivating factor for the list of responsibilities we see laid out for the Philippians. The Lord is at hand means that the Lord is near. It's Paul's shorthand for the return of Jesus:

Everything in Paul's theology hinges on the fact that Jesus is returning. Yes, He came. Yes, He resurrected. But that is not where the good news ends. The good news ends with the fact that He is returning and so Paul is using that as a motivation in this context, in this argument between Euodia and Syntyche to remind them of what is most important. And it is obviously not who's wrong and who's right. The Lord is coming back. And Paul wants to remind them of this right in the middle of a conflict. ... It's not that God doesn't care that we've been offended. It's just that God cares more that He hung suspended--for the very conflict, the very circumstances that we have. ... Rejoicing is more than just happiness. It is a pursued mentality. It's something that we pursue. Happiness is only a response of excitement to some event.

In this passage, we find that Paul shows us what this "pursued mentality" looks like: "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (v. 4-7). But as Curt points out, what seems easy to do is actually quite hard:

The very challenge to rejoicing is anxiety. Look at verse six: Do not be anxious. That's a funny statement. Think about this for a second. Paul is saying, do not be anxious, right? Paul says do not be anxious, as if it's a choice. He says, do not be anxious as if it's as easy as me turning off this microphone at the click of a button. But you and I both know that it never feels like a choice when you are anxious, right? It never feels like a choice. When the situation happens, and you can't figure out what's going on. And you can't solve the issue, and you don't trust that God can solve the issue, and you're anxious. ... If anxiety keeps you from rejoicing, then you're choosing to submit to anxiety more than rejoicing in the Lord. ... No one chooses to be anxious, but we do choose to stay anxious. 

How do you know what this choice looks like? This passage answers that question. If your anxiety prevents you from praying, thanking, and asking God, then you are choosing to submit to it more than submitting to God. 

This sermon is definitely worth 45 minutes of your time. You can listen to it here. Oh, and if you'd like to read a short article about how Curt had to put his own teaching to the test, Boundless has an article about how Curt dealt with blog criticism of his music. 

P.S. Thanks for your patience with my non-blogging on this site. Writing a book drains my brain! But you can keep up with my short attention span if you follow my Facebook page. Or, just enjoy the sound of crickets here from time to time.

This Momentary Marriage: Ian and Larissa's Story

If you've been reading my blog over the years, you've been introduced to Ian & Larissa Murphy. Their stories have encouraged many people, so much so that I ended up creating their own category on my blog. Therefore, I was very pleased when Desiring God asked Citygate Films to produce a short documentary about them. What an honor to showcase their faith on film! 

Even though my company produced this film, I'm not going to be bashful about promoting this piece. The reason is not for the filmmaking--it is because of the tremendous, God-honoring faith that Ian and Larissa express. I still cry every time I watch it. May I suggest that you share this with friends who have suffered traumatic brain injury, or any kind of disabling accident? More importantly, may I suggest that you offer respite relief and support to anyone who is a regular caregiver to loved ones who are seriously ill or injured? The Murphys are very fortunate to have a strong community of family and friends who support them in various ways, but this is not true of everyone in similar situations.

I hope you have eight minutes to spare to be inspired by their story!

(Note to fans of The Vow, we filmed this long before the feature film and updated book was released. But it's wonderful to know stories like these aren't isolated, thanks to the grace of God.)

A Spanish-subtitled version is also available.

A Faithful God to the End

I've decided that one of the most tempting aspects of being the creature and not the Creator is that the fact that we are not omniscient. As in, we don't know what is in the hearts and thoughts of others. We don't know the end from the beginning. We don't know how the present trial will work together for the good of those who love God. We just ... don't know. All we can do is look back and, to paraphrase John Piper, contemplate the growing reservoir of past grace that has flowed through our lives, something we can clearly contemplate as we struggle with believing more grace will come in the future. 

For those who are in that struggle with the unknown, here's an encouraging word from Charles Spurgeon's devotional, Morning and Evening:

"And David said in his heart, I shall now perish one day by the hand of Saul."—1 Samuel 27:1.

The thought of David's heart at this time was a false thought, because he certainly had no ground for thinking that God's anointing him by Samuel was intended to be left as an empty unmeaning act. On no one occasion had the Lord deserted His servant; he had been placed in perilous positions very often, but not one instance had occurred in which divine interposition had not delivered him. The trials to which he had been exposed had been varied; they had not assumed one form only, but many—yet in every case He who sent the trial had also graciously ordained a way of escape. David could not put his finger upon any entry in his diary, and say of it, "Here is evidence that the Lord will forsake me," for the entire tenor of his past life proved the very reverse. He should have argued from what God had done for him, that God would be his defender still. But is it not just in the same way that we doubt God's help? Is it not mistrust without a cause? Have we ever had the shadow of a reason to doubt our Father's goodness? Have not His lovingkindnesses been marvelous? Has He once failed to justify our trust? Ah, no! our God has not left us at any time. We have had dark nights, but the star of love has shone forth amid the blackness; we have been in stern conflicts, but over our head He has held aloft the shield of our defense. We have gone through many trials, but never to our detriment, always to our advantage; and the conclusion from our past experience is, that He who has been with us in six troubles, will not forsake us in the seventh. What we have known of our faithful God, proves that He will keep us to the end. Let us not, then, reason contrary to evidence.

God's faithfulness is something singer/songwriter Heather Williams commented on regarding her song, "Hallelujah." I've been listening to this song a lot in recent days. The open dialogue that David kept with the Lord is what Heather wanted to emulate in her life, especially after the loss of her son. This is a song for those who want to praise God even as they stumble through life. Which is to say, a song for all of us. Because of the Cross, we do know one thing: we are not forsaken.

 

Alzheimer's and Gospel Transformation

A few weeks ago, I met Karyn Heath at a conference. As she spoke to me about her job caring for people with Alzheimer's, I immediately asked her to write a guest post for my blog. This is necessary reading for all those who fear the future and those who are dealing with this disease right now. --Carolyn

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Recently, I left two years of teaching in China to return to my home and job in the U.S.  For me, introductions have become routine.  After a few months in China, I could predict which questions would be asked when I met someone and what responses my answers would provoke.  Now, as I transition back into my home church and hometown, I am finding that the questions and answers are equally predictable.  While “Where do you work?” may seem to be a standard question, people’s responses to my answer are usually revealing. 

I currently work in the activities department of an Alzheimer’s special care unit.  This translates into the fact that I spend eight hours per day in a room with 20-30 people who are experiencing moderate to severe dementia from Alzheimer’s disease or another cause.  Revealing this usually opens up interesting avenues of conversation.  One sentiment that I hear often from people who talk to me about my job is this one: “I’d rather be dead than go through that.” People have a variety of ways of expressing this feeling, and most often I just nod and say something like, “It is a difficult situation for people and their families.”  There are very few ways to accurately communicate anything about Alzheimer’s without becoming too intense for a “Hi! I just met you” conversation.

 However, when I am speaking with someone who professes to have been transformed by the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I often cannot contain my passion when I hear him or her make a comment of this sort.  Until recently, this passion would have come across with a strong flavor of righteous indignation, but now wise admonition, further study of God’s Word, and personal experience have tempered the expression of my views.  To look ahead, even in one’s imagination, and see something as difficult as Alzheimer’s disease looming over one’s last days is naturally heart-wrenching and daunting.  As Matthew Henry commented regarding Jesus’ prophecies in John 21 about Peter’s own difficult death, “He that puts on the Christian does not put off the man. Christ himself prayed against the bitter cup. A natural aversion to pain and death is well reconcilable with a holy submission to the will of God in both.”

That very concept of “holy submission” in the face of certain humiliating and ugly death is that with which my heart longs to challenge the body of Christ. 

As Christians, we should recognize and revel in the sovereignty of God in every aspect of our lives.  Our goal should be to bring glory to God, and, as we face trials and difficulties in this life, we spend much time in learning how to do that.  In our growing, we learn to submit to God in all the twists and turns of life’s pathways.  This is a common theme of our times of fellowship around the Word, of our songs, of our books.  If we face death in an early or unnatural setting such as persecution or disease, we exhort one another to glory in the affliction as it brings us closer to God and brings to pass His purposes in the world.  His joy and strength shine through our most trying moments with a light that is so much brighter than anything we could possibly manufacture with our own willpower or resources.  The whole of life seems a classroom in which we learn these lessons.

I believe that we fail to see the fullest scope of God’s plan when we do not actively encourage one another to think rightly about God’s sovereignty over the last days of our lives.  Perhaps, I exaggerate, but it seems that we envision that each godly Christian is entitled the perfect death scenario. We want be in our right minds, surrounded by loving family and friends in graceful dignity or otherwise slip away to heaven gently in our sleep. An extended illness we might face with fortitude, but certainly not one that might steal away our memories or personalities on its way.  Yet in the very loss of self that terrifies us when facing Alzheimer’s or similar diseases is there not an unparalleled opportunity for seeing the transforming power of the Gospel?

In the years that I’ve worked in Alzheimer’s care, I’ve never actually heard someone say, “This may not be my choice, but it is God’s choice for me.  I relinquish control of even my mind to Him. I can trust Him with even this.”  I have, though, watched a tiny handful of people live this out.  The beauty of their lives truly demonstrated the fact that God is magnified through weakness.  They reached people that no one else will ever reach.  In the process of Alzheimer’s disease and other illnesses that cause dementia, there is a point beyond which a decision like this can no longer be made.  Whatever is inside will just begin to spill out, embarrassingly and uncontrollably.  So, it is the thought processes or, rather, the heart processes that a person goes through before hand that have potential to shape their experience.  Sometimes the emotion that pours out of a person in the throes of such a disease is fear or bitterness or anger long forgotten but now providentially dredged to the surface.  In such a worst-case scenario, the witness of the Spirit of God’s work in that life is preserved in the memories of family members and friends who rehearse the Truth that ultimately sustains.  More often in my experience, grace still shines through in small joys and courageous humor, in peace that transcends turmoil, in love that gushes out around the jagged edges of the mind. 

Rabboni

The account of Mary Magdalene at the tomb of Jesus is told in all four gospel narratives. She was one of Jesus' faithful disciples, standing with him at the foot of the cross, following Joseph of Arimathea to the grave to see where Jesus would be buried, and rising early the morning after the Sabbath to anoint and wash His Body. It's her portrait in Scripture that became part of my Easter meditation as I studied her to understand the Resurrection through her eyes.

Mary Magdalene must have been a brave woman to not only have witnessed the pain of Jesus' crucifixion, but also to have endured both an earthquake (as recorded in Matthew 28:2) and angelic visitation at His grave (as reported by all four gospels). She was also a bold woman, as she did not shrink back from her sovereignly-appointed assignment to be the first witness to the resurrection of her Lord and Savior -- even in a culture that considered the testimony of women to be worthless. As the IVP Bible Background Commentary states, "The witness of women was worth little in Judaism; that Jesus first appears to a woman would not have been fabricated and shows us how Jesus' values differ from those of his culture."

But it's the portrait of her worship in the gospel of John that drew my attention. John's gospel concludes with personal scenes of Jesus interacting with a few of His disciples after His resurrection. In the section about Mary Magdalene at the tomb, we see her fierce devotion to her master (John 20:11-18). As soon as she hears Jesus speak her name, she recognizes His voice and any confusion about who was standing in front of her evaporates. She responds by clinging to Him and calling Him, "Rabboni," a more personal and less formal version of "Rabbi." While Rabbi means "teacher," Rabboni means "my teacher." Her Savior speaks and she responds with the acknowledgment of a personal relationship. 

The focus of Scripture is always on what God has done to glorify His name and to rescue His people. But there are times when we can glean something distinctive from the account of a particular person in the Bible. From Mary Magdalene, I see what devotion looks like even when God's activities seem confusing or disappointing. I am certain Mary Magdalene did not expect that her "rabboni" would be publicly executed and humiliated. But even in those circumstances, she is on hand to serve Him. Thus, her service places her in the position of seeing her grief turned to joy as she encounters where she likely never expected Jesus to be: resurrected from the grave. 

The Incomparable Christ

We are now four weeks out from Easter and as my family makes plans to celebrate, I am thinking about how to prepare spiritually. One helpful resource is the series Nancy Leigh DeMoss is going through on her Revive Our Hearts radio show: "The Incomparable Christ," loosely based on Oswald Sanders' classic book. She will be airing programs on this topic right up through Resurrection Sunday. I recommend you check out the series, including some of the recent programs she's aired:

• The Sinlessness of Christ (yes, there are self-described Christians who aren't sure about this!)
• The Two-fold Nature of Christ (fully God, fully man)
• The Manliness of Christ (He was a true friend to women, even as an unmarried man)
• The Humanity of Christ (to be our mediator, He had to be human)
• The Deity of Christ (He is not just a great moral teacher)

The series includes Scriptures for meditation and personal application questions. It's excellent material to use for personal devotions (as I am doing) or small group study. 

A Story of Living Hope

Last year, I wrote about John Spiro and his battle with ALS (also known as Lou Gehrig's disease). Earlier this month, he gave a powerful testimony at Covenant Life Church about what it means to trust God in suffering. We need more testimonies like these.

This video starts after the Spiros are introduced and the church gives them a standing ovation. The Spiros have been pillars of Covenant Life Church, pouring their lives into the church for more than 25 years. Their faithful service and devotion to God are commendable even apart from these recent trials. But as John says in this testimony: "I am so grateful that I have been well-taught over the years on suffering and trials and the complete sovereignty of God in these situations, for it has well-prepared me for this season I and my family are now experiencing."

If you want to be prepared to glorify God in suffering, I recommend Joshua Harris’ message, “Fiery Trials.”

The Limits of Our Knowledge

Just for fun--and to add to the ominous feeling of the DC Snowpocalypse--I watched a PBS documentary over the weekend on the 1918 influenza epidemic. It was well produced and very informative, but I was left thinking about the limits of medical knowledge at that time. They had microscopes to be able to see bacteria, but they couldn't see viruses. So doctors were trying to create vaccines to fight the suspected bacterium, but of course the vaccines didn't work because it was a viral respiratory infection that left people literally dropping dead on the streets. The early 20th century had made so many advances in medicine that people assumed that doctors would be able to solve any illness, but this flu pandemic humbled everyone.

And so we find ourselves humbled once again nearly a century later. The Washington Post recently carried an article about how some patients in a "vegetative state" were discovered to have alert brains:

Many of the patients were labeled with the same grim diagnosis: "vegetative state." Their head injuries, teams of specialists had concluded, condemned them to a netherworld -- alive yet utterly devoid of any awareness of the world around them.

But an international team of scientists decided to try a bold experiment using the latest technology to peek inside the minds of 54 patients to see whether, in fact, they were conscious.

One by one, the men and women were placed inside advanced brain scanners as technicians gave them careful instructions: Imagine you are playing tennis. Imagine you are exploring your home, room by room. For most, the scanner showed nothing.

But, shockingly, for one, then another, and another, and yet two more, the scans flashed exactly like any healthy conscious person's would. These patients, the images clearly indicated, were living silently in their bodies, their minds apparently active. One man could even flawlessly answer detailed yes-or-no questions about his life before his trauma by activating different parts of his brain.

"It was incredible," said Adrian M. Owen, a neuroscientist at the Medical Research Council who led the groundbreaking research described in a paper published online Wednesday by the New England Journal of Medicine. "These are patients who are totally unable to perform functions with their bodies -- even blink an eye or move an eyebrow -- but yet are entirely conscious. It's quite distressing, really, to realize this."

As I read this article, I thought of Ian Murphy. Many of you are familiar with Ian's story--how three years ago, he suffered a tremendous brain injury in a car accident. And how he was not supposed to live, then not supposed to leave a comatose state, then not supposed to talk, then not supposed to walk, etc. By the amazing mercy and grace of God, Ian has beaten every prognosis (though he is not completely recovered). Along the way, he has had the jaw-droppingly faithful support of his girlfriend, Larissa, and his family. He has thrived even through sad difficulties such as the sudden death of his father from brain cancer last October. 

Two days after his accident, the doctors said Ian's brain death was imminent. As people around the world, literally, began to pray for him, he eventually showed brain activity. But as Larissa told one reporter, she prayed that God would help them communicate more directly:

Even if Ian did remember and still loved Larissa, there was no way for him to communicate it. For months after the accident, he barely was able to open his eyes, much less communicate his affection. He couldn’t squeeze her hand, wink at her or whisper that he loved her. There were days Ian couldn’t even acknowledge her presence, but Larissa said she prayed that God would guard her heart and reassure her, when she couldn’t seek assurance from Ian. She prayed that God would give her signs that Ian still loved her.

“From the beginning, when I would go into the room and talk to him, his heart rate would increase,” Larissa said. “God always gave me signs that Ian still loved me and knew who I was.”

Larissa persevered through many months of disappointment and deferred hopes. She was honest about how painful it was to watch other friends get engaged and married, moving on with their lives as she waited for Ian's healing. Then on Christmas Eve, I heard the good news: they were engaged! As happy as she is upon her engagement, Larissa writes about their future marriage with remarkable wisdom:

Marriage is a huge decision. Every couple pursuing marriage must count the costs of a lifetime commitment. For some couples the cost can be as big as giving up a career to move to a new place, or as "small" as giving up holiday traditions to make new ones with in-laws.

The cost of our marriage seems more extreme. And it's not a "picture perfect" wedding that it sometimes feels like the rest of the world has or will have. Ian has a brain injury. Steve died from cancer. We have very little financial means. It's a possibility we won't be able to have children. The list of the "costs" goes on for awhile.

But all of these costs could happen in every single marriage. It's just that we know them in advance. There are no guarantees that anyone will ever be spared of these hardships and "costs." What's guaranteed is that we will have troubles.

So, I guess that logically brings us to why would we get married? Well, as simple as it is, because we love each other. And we enjoy each other. And we believe that Ian was created to be my husband and me to be his helper. Our marriage will look way different than we imagined four years ago. But it must mean something that I can't look at Ian without smiling. And that he has struggled every day for three years to get better--for me.

I hope this doesn't sound preachy. (no offense to our pastors who read this :) ) This is just the truth that I have to come back to at the end of the day through our engagement, as we wrestle through all of the costs and blessings this marriage will bring. Our marriage could last one month, five years, fifty years, until one of us goes to be with God. The most wonderful thing I can think of doing while anxiously waiting for that to happen, is to go through this crazy lifetime, as long or short as it may be, as husband and wife.

I've written about Ian and Larissa many times before on this blog and I hope I will continue to have that privilege in the future. Ian is a "standing stone"--a living reminder that we finite creatures are limited in our knowledge of how the world works and what God is doing in and through His creatures. While science is just catching up with what Larissa and the Murphy family have already experienced, our hope is still not in medical progress. We have a Savior who offers us complete healing in every sense of the word. It's on Him that we hang our every future hope.

(P.S. Some have inquired about how to help Ian and Larissa. If you would like to send a material or financial gift, send it to Ian Murphy, c/o Sovereign Grace Church, 1220 Wayne Avenue, Indiana, Pa. 15701. If it is a monetary gift, please write Murphy Wedding in the memo.)

Photos: Lydia Jane Photography.

Welcome, 2010!

Happy new year -- a happy new decade! -- to each of you. As you contemplate the coming months, I thought you might enjoy this perspective from Counsel from the Cross by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Dennis Johnson. I read it with my nieces this morning during our devotion time together. It was refreshing to consider, especially as we lifted up our bold prayer requests to God for the coming year.

Even though we assume you are very familiar with 1 Corinthians 13, we recommend a different, perhaps novel, approach to this wonderful passage: rather than looking at it as a series of commands, consider looking at it first as a sneak preview of what we'll see when we finally gaze upon [Jesus] "face to face" (1 Cor. 13:12). Rather than automatically asking, "What does this passage tell me to do?" let's ask, "What do these verses tell me about God's love for me through Christ?" We have taken the liberty to paraphrase the passage with that emphasis to help you see what we mean:

As the author of language and as God's Living Word, Jesus can speak in the tongues of men and angels, and yet he condescends to speak simple words that nourish, soothe, and delight our souls. He knows the past and the future, understands all mysteries and knowledge; has all faith and reigns as Ruler over all; and yet, his love caused him to humble himself and remove our mountain of sin. Because of his love, we who are nothing have become "beloved." He gave away what was rightfully his, humbled himself, and delivered up his body to be burned in the scorching furnace of the wrath of his Father.

Jesus is patient and kind; he doesn't envy and boast. When faced with Satan's temptation to prove his Godhead in the wilderness and on the cross, he never showed off his power. He was utterly humble. He wasn't arrogant or rude, railing on the disciples, deserting them because of their selfish ambition. He isn't arrogant or rude with us either. When standing before his accusers he didn't insist that they treat him with respect, nor did he proudly demand their accolades. He was silent, like a lamb before her shearers. The humble King of heaven wore a crown of thorns and a purple cloak. He is never irritable or resentful, picking away at every little foible he sees. In love, his blood covers our multitudinous sins. 

He doesn't gleefully rejoice when you sin, glad to finally have an opportunity to give you your comeuppance. He rejoices when you believe the truth, not simply the truth about you--that you are sinful and flawed--but also the truth about him--that he loves and welcomes you. Out of love for you, he bears all things. He has unflinching faith and hope in your transformation because he knows the power of his love. He knows that one day he will bring you to be with himself. He has endured and continues to endure all things out of love for you. His love never ends. Never.

Ten zillion years from now, when he has had time to really see what sort of person you are, his love won't have worn out. In fact, he knows you through and through right now and loves you all the same. Your shameful secrets cannot shock or repel him. His love never ends. One day we will see him face-to-face and then we will fully understand, for the first time, what real love looks like.